#you'renotalone

 Hi, I'm coming to you live from my bedroom floor. Fresh out of a cry and holding on for dear life. I have been keeping so much inside; my feelings, my family issues, my social issues, etc. But something I find very comforting when I myself am feeling down, is reading or watching something of someone relating to how I feel. Even if it's a completely different type of pain, it's a nice feeling to know your not alone in this lonely world. So this is why I've decided to create a blog, to help people get through things simply by relating to me. Let's start off with why I was crying. 

I was crying just a few minutes ago because of something I said to my mother. I told her, "Sometimes I'm more of a mom to my younger siblings than you are". That triggered something in her, a different reaction than I'm used to. She didn't scream in my face, call me names, talk about my flaws, or any of that. She just looked kind of shocked and started laughing. Then, of course, denied it. She, then, turned off my phone and won't talk to me. The reason I said that to her was because it's the truth. Although, yes, she's been here the entirety of all of mine and my siblings lives, she's been very bipolar if you will. She would/will have these crashouts of crying, screaming, cussing, and hurting (verbally) the people she loves most, her kids. And after she has these crashouts, I'm left there to pick up the pieces. Whether that be for a day or a week. 

One night I was out with my best friends at the time, and my little brother texted me if when I get home I could make him noodles because "mom got mad and didn't wanna make anything". Obviously, I rushed home to feed not just him, but the other two girls as well; then, put them to bed. 

Another night, my sister wouldn't go to sleep she was freaking out and being ridiculous, but then, my mother started calling her names and dragging her quite forcfully to her room -- making my little sister freak out more. My mom just wanted her to go to sleep which I understand, but the way she went about that was not okay. The night ended with me comforting my little sister in my bed until she fell asleep. 

Those are just a few examples. But little things like that have happened my entire childhood, and though, I wasn't like Fiona Gallagher from Shameless, I feel that I have helped take part in raising and caring for my little siblings. I feel like even if my mom was perfect, being the eldest daughter you are kind of set up for the responsibility like that. And of course, it never helped that my dad wasn't around either. Family stuff like this, I think, has had a lot to do with my diagnosed depression. Unfortunately, this isn't something I can control like my schedule, it's something I'm born into. That's the thing about family, it can be three things. One, it can be the absolute biggest blessing known to human. Two, it can be the absolute worst curse known to human. Three, it can be both at the same time. So with that said, I want you to know I do love my mom a lot. I just wish she didn't make me feel the responsibility of the second parent, and I wish she saw me as her daughter too. 

This is the end of my first blog. However, this is far from over. Please when you read this, don't feel sorry for me, this isn't not a "woe is me" type of situation. I wrote this blog because I want people to know that they're not alone in family issues. I want people to know that I feel what they feel too. 

Yours Truly, 

A message to your heart:

لا تحزن ولا تفكر كثيراً

Do not be sad and do not over think

فوالله الذي خلقني وخلقك يدبر لك ما سيدهشك ويجبر كسر قلبك

For by Allāh, He Who created me and you He will fix everything for you and give that which will amaze you and mend your broken heart.

تفاعل ولا تيأس إن الله على كل شيء قدير

Do you ever feel so tired of everything? School? Relationships? World?

Heeeeey...how ya’ll doin?..

Jk, anyways...

This is something I have been wanting to do and I have been procrastinating to get done. Well here I am, with a blog. I will continue to be anonymous because well, I just don’t want anyone to know me.

I created this blog because I want to be able to vent. I want everyone to be able to vent. I want to relate to others. I want others to relate to me. I want to help others. I want others to help me. This is a safe place. I want all of us to be comfortable with each other. I want us to be a little family of fuckers who just don’t know wtf is going on with us and what’s going on in the world.

This is some serious shit. Yes, we can vent about stupid little shit but for the most part, we’re here to talk about childhood trauma, past trauma, relationship trauma. Any kind of trauma you got, you’re in the right place honey. I got AAAALLLL kinds of that! 

I always believed that my purpose on this Earth was to help young children, teens and adults who have gone through what I have gone through and worse. I want to know your deepest secrets. I want to know your deepest trauma. I want to know how you feel about whether you could make the decision to wake up in the next life because you’re tired of this one. Everything you tell me is safe with me. I am Scorpio so trust me when I say that (OMG bitch stfu with the astrology. You’re going to scare everyone away!!). Tell me all the fucked up things you’ve done to yourself, your family, your friends and to strangers. Whatever situation you’re in, I am here to push you forward. I am here to smack some love ( and tough love tf you can’t have it all), wisdom, guidance, courage, strength, support, all that EVERYONE needs on this Earth I will provide it for you. Why? Because I care. I will never give up on you. I don’t care how fucked up your life is, I don’t care how much YOU fucked up your life, I will be there. You are given one life and one life only. You can’t go back in time. You can only keep moving forward. Even if you feel you have absolutely no hope to keep going, I am here.

In all seriousness, I will always insert some humor, even dark humor. Some fucked up humor ._. I mean hello?? My page is called life is full of shits and giggles sometimes we gotta mix that shit up.

This is all I have to say for now. Again, I want a little family where we all accept each other, are comfortable with each other, we help each other and we DO NOT give up on each other. 

My next blog post will be about me. I want to tell you guys some personal things and just things in general about who I am so you feel more comfortable. BUUUUUUUUT I am just going to repeat again I am a Scorpio so you can’t know everything about me and I have trust issues....No mames, smfh...I am kidding. I don’t want to be that type of person on here at least. 

I know there is no one on here yet but I love you guys. Talk to you tomorrow.

I want to feel my happiness illuminate from within my soul.

I want to liberate myself from these shackles called thoughts; that only bring pain to my world.

I want to feel the gracious air, and feel like I am standing on top of the world.

I want to find the intellectual that lingers beneath me waiting on her moment to shine bright.

I want to see this world for the beauty that it is, not a never ending nightmare that haunts me.

But most of all,

I want to be the person my loved ones feel in love with...