#yearslater

I’m baaaaaaack. Not sure for how long, but I have a life update that realllllly takes the cake (relatively speaking...your lives are very important and they matter). 

5 1/2 years after being diagnosed with HSV2, received from my boyfriend at the age of 23 (first boyfriend, first time having sex, doing all the things, etc.) - that same man, my now-husband, did the following:

1. Told me out of the blue that he’s not happy with his life and doesn’t love me or know if he wants to be with me

2. Had an affair and didn’t tell me - I found out when I stumbled across receipts and photos - and he was waiting to tell me for our 1st therapy session after he dropped the “I don’t love you and I haven’t for a long time” bomb. Oh yeah, and he has feelings for her. Great.

3. Promised he wouldn’t see her (this woman who has my SAME NAME) while we’re figuring this out; that was a lie (mind you, he promised this both to me numerous times this week AND our therapist - yesterday. Just hours later, I was driving around, saw his truck at a motel, text/called to confront him, and his side piece got my number from him and started threatening me. He never came out.

4. Told me part of the reason he stayed with me when he didn’t want to (and didn’t want to marry me) - because HE FELT SO AWFUL about giving me herpes and taking my virginity (which is a concept I don’t believe in) in a really fucked up way. 

SO - my husband, my partner of 6 years, attributes “hanging in there” and “holding out hope that love would grow” TO THE HERPES HE GAVE ME 5 1/2 YEARS AGO. 

ANYONE ELSE get fucked over like this? Real question. Up until yesterday I considered working on this relationship - forgiving him, seeking my own therapy so I could trust him again. Now idgaf. I’m done. 

Only know 'bout how I won't be here later

It's been just over 3 years since I was raped and called a liar by the friend group me and my sister had at the time.

This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. 

This is how magic is done. 

By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering its a feather bed.

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This year, instead of being hopeful, I keep thinking about my mom's loss and how I wouldn't be able to come back from it at all.

The last 2 to 3 years have been the most painful. I had never felt so much pain. I don't imagine my mom's loss being this painful. I imagine it to be worse.

In high school, I remember feeling pain. I was betrayal and in that moment somehow I knew I was going to be okay. And it got better. And I was okay eventually.

But in the last few years I lost so much. And I can't even tell you how I am here. Breathing. Still in one body. The pain was in my veins. I was okay to die. I lost. A lot.

So at this point I am crying my eyes out because I don't know how to move or where to go. I want to try again, as if I didn't just fail dismally. Yesterday. As if I didn't just lose a career, friendships, the love of my life, money and family. Everything I gave my first and best, I lost.