God Squad causes problems (aka when you're the only gods around for thousands of years, you start to discuss stupid things)
Yandi: I have a question: is the ocean a soup? Yanming: yes. it's got meat and vegetables. Laojun: ... Yandi: You seem concerned about that Nezha: THE OCEAN IS SOUP, LAOJUN Laojun: well, i am concerned. about calling the animals meat. for the soup. Nezha: .....they're alive meat? Laojun: Nezha: YOU are alive meat, Laojun. Yanming: well, he's not wrong. Laojun: I know that, just... calling the little creatures meat and vegetables for the soup- Yanming: -it's funny. Nezha: LOOK LAOJUN, IN THE CONTEXT OF SOUP, IT'S ALIVE SOUP. Yandi: there we have it; the ocean is alive soup to us gods. Yanming: ......why did we even talk about this?
...
Nezha, meeting Laojun again w/ Hei and the other kids: you still sad about the alive soup, Laojun? Laojun: Xiaohei: what the fuck are you guys talking about.
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Yandi: Wait, if baby oil dissolves condoms, what does it do to babies? Laojun: Believe it or not, babies and condoms are made of different materials. Yanming: It’s like rock paper scissors. Baby oil defeats condom, baby defeats baby oil, condom defeats baby. Nezha: Rock also defeats baby.
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Yanming: They... well, I wouldn't call it inheritance per se. What do you call it when you kill someone and get their stuff? Laojun: Uh... murder?? Yandi: Adventuring. Nezha: Tuesday.
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Nezha, aka "the only one who actually currently lives in the modern world" Laojun: I didn’t know that air fryers are a real thing. Used to think that they were made up by the internet as a funny joke and that their purpose was to “fry air”. Yandi: WAIT, BUT IT FRIES THE AIR TO FRY THE FOOD? Laojun: I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS A KITCHEN APPLIANCE, MY FIRST ASSUMPTION WAS SOMETHING AKIN TO AN AIR CONDITIONER! Yanming: IT’S NOT LIKE AN AIR CONDITIONER? Nezha: You guys clearly don’t own an air fryer.
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Yanming: What does your own spiritual realm contain? Emperor Yan: Pennies. Yanming: How many? Laojun: Pennies. Yanming: You're not the first person I've asked this today, but how many? Nezha: Pennies. Yanming: I hope all of you get stuck somewhere and you have to consume each other's souls to survive.
Bonuses:
(If Wuxian + friends raised Hei as a baby)
Xuanli: everyone loves chili dogs Laojun: I don't think he can eat solid food. Wuxian: Then put it in the blender? (Yanming: ...you're all the worst.) Nezha: well, if you say so. (picks up Xiaohei) Laojun/Wuxian: THE CHILI DOG, NOT THE BABY!
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Qingning was still learning English. Laojun: can you ask me again what you just asked me? what was that question? i don't think- i didn't hear you. (young) Qingning: when can we have lesbian? Laojun: mhm. okay. maybe i did hear you right. um. i don't know what- i don't know what that is. i don't know what you mean. Qingning: lesbian! Laojun: no, no i know what you said, but i don't think that word means what you think it means. Qingning: it's like spaghetti. Laojun: (stifling tears of laughter) excuse me. do you mean lasagna?? Qingning: yeah! Laojun: okay. um. yeah, i'm sure we can have lasagna soon! does that sound good? Qingning: yeup! (Xuanli wheezing breathlessly in the background)
