Ky, they/them

I DONT LIKE THISSSSS

Fuck, they don't tell you about the downside of it all, sure there's the downside of one-sided obsession, there's the downside of not having an obsession and there's the downside of being the object of unwanted obsession

BUT what about the downside of being filled with the purest shit this world has to offer, doing this dance back and forth, giving and receiving, connecting with your other half and just GOD

And now you're, me, this is about me, now I'm stuck waiting like a dog, and sure, I'm some type of dog, and sure I WAS used to waiting, but now I've tasted the fruit and I can't go back and sure it's only for a bit, it's literally halfway over BUT FUCKING SHIT you can't just expect me not to tear my hair out in the meantime

NOTHING'S FUCKING WORKING

manga? Boring

Games? Dull, draining

Porn? Kys

Music? ITS ALL ABOUT YOU

Just sleep makes this bearble

NOTHING is filling this hole like you do

there’s truly not much else in this world for me anymore. i’ve seen enough. i just want a quiet life with my beloved.

my darling deserves someone who is pure. not a rotten, envious angel like me.

i used to crave abuse (i still do. technically) and maybe it was easier that way. pain and apathy exist in excess in this world. true love and understanding is harder to find. especially when, for me, pain itself is so tangled up in all of it. i know i’m sick and my disease is weaved into the love i offer.

someone will understand. my love is out there, praying for me, wishing, feeling as if he is being split apart by the needing… just like i am. i have to believe that.

i have to believe that the love waiting for me is enough to trump all that has come before. that it’s enough to make it all worth it.

i have to believe that, or it was all for nothing.

Vomits, vomits,

I woke up not ready to shut up all the thoughts,

🌾 . my brain for half a second, said: he’s going to leave you

i am now distraught and trying not to have a breakdown

I feel disgusting. Needy. The kind of desperate that makes people uncomfortable when they see it up close. You're probably busy. Just living your life, unaware that I'm here spiraling because it's been three hours since your last message. That's not normal. I know that's not normal.

But you've trained me to expect you. Your consistency, your timing, the way you always came back. Now there's a gap where your attention should be and I don't know what to do with my hands or my thoughts or the ugly voice in my head telling me you've finally realized I'm not worth the effort.

Maybe you're just busy. Maybe I'm overreacting. But right now I feel like a dog waiting at a door that never opens, and the shame of that; the raw, pathetic need of it, is making my skin crawl.

I just want you to come back. I just want to stop feeling like this.