You always knew that something about the way other people perceived you rubbed you the wrong way, but for the longest time you just couldn't pinpoint it to an exact reason. Until, of course, some day you could. It was a relief, but also a little frightening, as you figured that in order to feel comfortable, you also had to come out to the people around you.
Rafael and you have been dating for a couple of months already, and it was burning on your tongue from the beginning, but you just couldn't make yourself say it. You couldn't tell him that you were trans; that you didn't exactly identify with the binary genders, but tended towards being more masculine. The possibility of him rejecting you made you feel sick with nerves, fear, sadness.
Obviously, you knew that he was accepting of trans people; but you knew that for some people, often times, that acceptance only extended to people they didn't actually know, let alone dated. You didn't necessarily think he wouldn't be accepting of you, but you feared that perhaps he just couldn't be with you anymore then. It wasn't what he's signed up for after all when he started dating you.
Still, you felt like you would explode some day if he continued unintentionally misgendering you.
You have already started to wear more masculine aligned clothes and cut your hair short, which has made you feel a lot better about yourself. Rafe didn't even question it. He complimented your new haircut, and your new clothes. Every little change about you, he took in stride.
So, some day - well, night - months later when your seven months were pending, you decided that you just couldn't possibly go on like this any longer. You had to say something about it.
The two of you sat in his office, as you were working on a case together, using it to spend some more time together again. You just started taking a break, when you felt incredibly nauseous with nerves, panic creeping up on you and making you tremble and your breath stutter.
"What is it?" Rafael inquired, raising an eyebrow at you, looking concerned.
"I- fuck. I have to tell you something," you croaked weakly.
He nodded, telling you to go on.
You took a deep breath. Now or never.
"Well, uh, I've been thinking about this for a long time. About the way I feel about myself? Nevermind. Uhm. What I am trying to say is that I've never felt particularly comfortable in my body and with how people perceived me and I couldn't really tell why until about a year ago. And, uhm, so I realised that I am a non-binary male? I- yes, I'm a non-binary male. I don't really identify with either of the binary genders, but I do lean towards being masculine. And I go by he and they pronouns. Oh, and, uh, I'd like it if you could call me Y/N instead, please. Yes."
Fuck, you just wanted the floor beneath you to open up and swallow you whole. Why did you have to be so fucking awkward about it? Well, it has been your first time coming out to anyone, so perhaps that could be an appropriate excuse at least.
Your face burning, you looked down and on your lap, playing with your fingers.
"Okay, Y/N" Rafe said after a moment.
With a slack mouth, you looked back up at him.
He smiled at you, gently, a softness in his eyes and features that made your heart stop and your breath stutter, like so often.
"You're not... You're not leaving me?"
"No, God, no. Why should I?"
"Well, I mean, aren't you... Aren't you straight? Wouldn't that make it confusing?"
You were utterly dumb-founded. Even more so, when he chuckled at what you've just said.
"I'm not. I thought you knew, but apparently not. Well, I'm bi, actually. So, not that it would make any difference because I love you and I wouldn't leave you, even if I wasn't bi, but it definitely makes it less confusing, I suppose."
"Oh, wow, okay. Alright. That's- Huh," you stuttered, unsure of what was appropriate to say, or even what you wanted to say.
Smiling, he got up from his chair and rounded his office table you two sat at the entire time. When he stood right in front of you, he stretched out his hand to you, helping you stand up, too. Then he wrapped his arms around your waist and pressed a soft, gentle kiss to your lips.
You smiled into it and kissed back immediately, relief washing over you in waves. "I love you," you whispered against his lips, when you let up for a moment.
"I love you, too, sweetheart."
After that night, you felt so much better. A pressure has been lifted off your chest and shoulders, making you more energetic again. Rafe made it an effort to alternate between your pronouns regularly and using your name as often as possible, when you were in private. It was wonderful.
One setback was that you weren't out at work, yet, so every time he had to pretend not to know this about you and use your previous pronouns and dead name, you cringed inwardly, a stabbing pain in your chest each time. When you came home from work, he would always shower you in affection and use your name over and over again, until you almost cried happy tears.
Together, you decided that you should come out to the team, sooner rather than later.
For that, you both invited Amanda, Fin, Mike, Olivia and Sonny to your home for dinner. It was nice, cosy, and just like a big family having a normal, happy dinner party. You had decided to come out after you've all eaten; and you came to regret that bad decision as time went on because your anxiety has gotten increasingly worse. As you felt nauseous, you could barely force your dessert down anymore, your hands trembling all the way through. Everyone at the table had noticed, you were sure of it, they were trained detectives after all.
You hated the way your nerves acted up, even though you knew very well that, again, none of them were necessarily transphobic or anything. Sure, Sonny has made a few questionable remarks about trans victims, but he also grew up in a strictly catholic household where his parents had taught him those things. He has educated himself since and those weird things he said were in the past now.
When you were all finally done with dessert and Rafe, Sonny and you had cleared the table, you sat back down and took a deep breath, grasping Barba's hand in yours tightly. He squeezed it reassuringly.
"Okay, uh, so I have something I really want and need to tell you," you started. Everyone looked at you inquiring, but gentle. You explained your situation, name and pronouns once more. This time a little better than when you told Rafe.
He was smiling throughout, squeezing your hand rhythmically.
When you were done, you sighed and couldn't look at any of them once again. This time you looked at your hand that was joined with Rafael's.
"Thank you for your trust, Y/N," Liv was the first to talk.
The others followed suit, thanking you, telling you they were proud of you, that you're still the same person they came to like, and that nothing would change, other than the things you wanted to change, of course. All of them made it a point to use your real name, when they've said their bit.
In the midst of it, Barba also came out as bi, when Amanda asked if he was still with you because he loved you, or if there was more to that.
After that, you've only heard your dead name being uttered occasionally, when someone slipped up in the beginning, or when someone was around who didn't or couldn't know. It was good. You felt better. You made plans on how to handle your future, and the legal and even medical transition. Rafe supported you throughout, especially with the legal things. He's gotten you the best lawyers for it, too.
You couldn't have possibly been happier.
