#x reader angst

CH 4

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“He really said that?” Jiyong asks, baffled on his balcony as he finishes a cigarette.

After you left Seunghyun’s studio you packed a suitcase and temporarily moved in with Jiyong.

You nod. “I swear, I don’t even know who he is anymore.” You hold your head in your hands.

He lights another. “He’ll come around. You know he will.”

“You say that because, deep down, you’re a hopeless romantic. The way he looked at me…”

“He’s just…scared. He’ll call.”

You shake your head. “No, I don’t think so. Not this time. Fuck, what am I going to do Ji?”

He stubs out his cigarette in the ashtray. “I can’t make that decision for you.”

”I know…” You exhale, leaning back in your chair. “Having an abortion seems like the most logical choice, especially after his reaction. I can’t afford to…”

Jiyong crouches in front of you, grabbing your hands. “Hold up. First off, fuck Seunghyun and his reaction. Two, money is not an issue. I won’t let my niece or nephew struggle IF you want to go through with this. You can stay here…or I’ll help you get your own place…”

A small smile forms on your lips. “You don’t have to take care of me just because your best friend has left me out to dry, Ji.”

”Stop.” He says, squeezing your hands tightly. “Just for a second, be real. What do you want? Take all the other circumstances out of it. What do you want?”

You close your eyes as you really, truly, think about it. What do I want? Motherhood was never something you had really thought of until you met Seunghyun. There was a short time the two of you had talked about children but you both were young, in your early twenties. The world hadn’t hardened the two of you yet.

You both joked about having kids and a dog living in a nice penthouse overlooking the Han river. You’d eventually become head choreographer for BigBang and you’d tour together with your kids, exposing them to the world, art, and everything in between.

Now, things were so different. Seunghyun was barely there physically and mentally. He can’t even take care of himself and you’re a struggling business owner. A baby just doesn’t make sense…but it’s a part of Seunghyun and that idea brings warmth to your chest. An innocent, living, breathing part of the two of you in this chaos seems so…bittersweet.

Keeping the baby would be the most difficult thing you would ever take on, especially now that there is a real possibility you’ll be doing it alone, but Jiyong and the others, they would be there for you. Seunghyun may even come around one day…

”I-I want to keep it.” You say shyly.

Jiyong tilts your chin up towards him. “Then that's what you're going to do.”

_____________________________

A few weeks later, you're in the thick of your morning sickness, when Jiyong’s doorbell rings. You all but crawl to the door to see seaweed soup delivered to your doorstep with a note:

Not sure how you're feeling but I read this helps… -S

For the next few days, his communication comes through random doorstep deliveries. You feel optimistic that he may come around, that eventually he will return a text or call. But he continues to ghost you. All you can do is notify him of your upcoming appointment and request that he be there.

Friday. 9am…we are supposed to hear the heartbeat.

…but that appointment doesn’t come.

A few days before, you wake to a sinking feeling. Something in the back of your mind screams something is wrong, but you choose to ignore it, continuing with your day to the best of your abilities. After lunch, you’re not able to ignore it anymore. The cramping you’ve felt all day has intensified to the point you’re all but doubled over the dance bar.

“You don’t look so good.” Your colleague says. “Food poisoning?”

You nod. “Yeah, probably. I better head out. Can you cover for me the rest of the day?” You force a smile.

She kindly obliges and you gather your things. Breathing through the searing pain.

Once out on the street, you call Seunghyun. No answer, typical. You send him an additional text to call you as soon as he can and then you resort to the one person you can always rely on. Jiyong.

He answers on the first ring. “Hey mama, what’s…”

“Ji…” Your voice comes out panicked. “Something’s wrong…”

“Where are you?”

“Headed to the ER…” You manage through a sob.

“I’ll meet you there.”

The hospital is a blur of faces and tests. Jiyong arrives right before the doctor comes in to confirm what you knew deep down.

“I’m sorry.” He says empathetically. “Sometimes these things happen. There’s nothing you could’ve done.”

You stare at the print on the hospital gown as the doctor goes over what to expect over the next few days. He then places a hand on your shoulder and says, “You can always have another baby.” And turns to leave.

Tears don’t come. Just silence.

Jiyong and Jae Ho help you get home. He clears his schedule to stay with you. You don’t eat, you refuse pain meds, and you don’t sleep. It was selfish of you to think that a baby would give you a permanent part of Seunghyun that he couldn’t give you himself. What happened was justified. The two of you didn’t deserve to be parents…

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Jiyong’s Perspective

Miscarriage

Jiyong knows you aren’t in a headspace to absorb what the doctor is saying so he does it for you. He takes notes on what to expect and how to take care of you…help you. Seunghyun should be here…He thinks.

The ride home is silent. Jiyong doesn’t know what to say or do. You’re just a shell of the person he knows and you have every right to be. He knows you would never say it out loud, but you wanted this so badly.

Once back at home, Jiyong tries to get you to eat but you refuse. He stays close by, afraid to go too far, helping you to the bathroom and back to bed. After two days, exhaustion takes over. Jiyong knows that now is the time to track him down.

After multiple demanding voicemails and texts, he decides to show up at Seunghyun’s apartment door. After knocking incessantly, he answers.

“Jiyong, what do you want?” Seunghyun says smugly.

“You should’ve answered her calls.”

Seunghyun shrugs. “I’m not ready to talk to her yet. I feel horrible about how we left things and I’m still wrapping my head around this…the baby…”

“You don’t have to worry about that anymore…” Jiyong says somberly.

“What?”

“She had a miscarriage.” His reply is sharp. He wants him to feel like shit.

Jiyong watches as the color drains from Seunghyun’s face and he stumbles back from the doorway. “Is she…”

“Okay? Physically, yeah they say she’ll be fine. Mentally? No. She hasn’t eaten, she can barely sleep. She’s a fucking mess, man. You should’ve been there for her.”

He’s speechless as he stares back at his best friend, processing the news.

Jiyong pushes past him. “Pack a bag and get over to my place. Be there for her Seunghyun. Step up for once."

He doesn’t speak, he simply goes through the motions grabbing the bare necessities, tossing them in an overnight bag.

Jiyong waits in the hall, and takes note of boxes and paintings lining the floor. He steps in the room once containing storage and sees it’s mostly empty. Putting two and two together, reality dawns on him…he was making space for a nursery.

When Seunghyun emerges from the bedroom he finds Jiyong looking around the now empty room. The sorrow in his eyes is telling. He wanted that baby too…

________________________

Seunghyun sits in the chair in your bedroom at Jiyong’s, watching the rise and fall of your chest, his cheeks damp.

When you told him weeks ago, he’d made the choice to refuse any and all responsibility even going so far as to accuse you of trapping him. In his reflection, you had been justified in slapping him.

What you didn’t know was in the notes section of his phone there was an entire checklist coming together to furnish a nursery. He was reading articles on pregnancy and what to expect so, at the very least, he could try to understand what you would be going through and support you.

This mistake-no this miracle-was going to be a reset for him and he was going to prove to you that things could be the way they once were…

But now, like everything in his life, this chance, this journey with you, your child together is gone.

He closes his phone and wipes his eyes. This chapter, as much as he wanted to open it, is closed. He will help you through this, build you up, and bow out. He can’t risk holding you back anymore.

He crawls into bed beside you, pulling you close.

Naturally, you shift towards him. The smell of his cologne wakes you.

“Seunghyun?”

“Shhh, I’m here…” he says quietly.

You sit up. “You didn’t take my calls…how did you…”

“Ji told me…”

“But you’re not speaking to him.”

“He…showed up at my house. Told me to get my shit together...”

Tears prick the corners of your eyes as the reality of the situation comes flooding back.

“I should’ve answered. I should’ve been there…at the hospital when they told you, not Ji.”

“E-everything is falling apart…”

“Shhhh...” He says, tightening around you. “I’m the fuck up. For the past few weeks I’ve been…an asshole. I should’ve talked through this with you…about what you…”

“I…I wanted it.” You say into his chest, letting out a sob.

Tears run silent down Seunghyun’s face, but he doesn’t let you see them. I did too… He thinks.

“I feel like it’s my fault…” you whimper.

“No. Don’t say that. It wasn’t your fault.” He says into the top of your head, holding you tightly.

The two of you stay like that for a while, grieving over the life neither of you even knew you wanted in the first place.

—————————

The next few weeks Seunghyun doesn’t leave your side. He’s sober for the first time in what seems like months. You see a glimpse of the old him, shifting back into your familiar routine before the controversy and the depression took hold. He takes care of you. Cooking for you, doing laundry, cleaning. You don’t lift a finger for weeks.

He accompanies you to your follow up appointment, the excitement of hearing a heartbeat and seeing a grainy image now replaced with an empty sadness that echoes the walls of the exam room in a different way.

You get a clean bill of health and an encouraging "You're still young. You can try again in a few months.” But there won’t be a next time.

The two of you are silent entering Jiyong’s apartment. He left a few weeks ago for Paris so you and Seunghyun could have some much needed alone time. You clear your throat.

“I could make dinner.” You say, hopeful. “ Or maybe we could go out? I heard there’s a new place downtown that is supposed to be good…” You ramble.

Seunghyun shakes his head. “No, I’m not staying.” He says gathering his things.

For the past month he’d practically been living with you at Jiyong’s full time. You thought you’d be moving towards living together at his place again and hadn’t realized he’d packed his bag prior to leaving for the doctor.

A look of confusion crosses your face. “Tired of me already?” You try to joke, but his look is serious.

“I wanted to be sure you were going to be okay before…”

“Before what?” The question comes out quick, fearful.

“Before you navigate life…Without me.”

“Without you?” You look at him puzzled. “We’ve been together for years in one way or the other. This…this is just…”

“A sign that you deserve better. I’m crashing and burning Y/N.”

“No…it’s…A hiccup. A sad, tragic thing that happened to me…to us. This is nothing we can’t get through together, Seunghyun.” Your voice comes out strained as you struggle to keep your composure, grasping at anything you can to change his mind. “We’ve been through so much…”

“Too much. I’m done bringing you down with me. “I’m done hurting you.” He says, approaching you. He puts both hands on either side of your face, bringing his forehead to yours. “I am ruining your life one day at a time. You’re going to find someone else, get married, hell, maybe even have a real family one day.”

“But I want that with you Seunghyun, I…love you.” You choke, grasping at the fabric of his hoodie. “I love you Seunghyun. Please…”

“I’m not the man I was when we met all those years ago, Princess. You love the idea of me, not who I am now.”

You hear the words you once said to him now repeated back to you and god, does it hurt…

He places a gentle kiss on your forehead. “I will love you the rest of my life but I can’t continue to drain you the way I’ve been for the last 6 months. I’m not good for you…You have to move on.”

You stand still as he grabs his bag and approaches the door.

“Seunghyun…please…” You croak in disbelief. You are the one who leaves. The one who gives up and needs a break but you’re not running this time. You’re feet are planted firmly in this relationship but he…he is the one who is letting you go.

“I’m sorry.” He says quietly, not looking back. He opens the door and closes it carefully behind him.

You lean against the door as your legs give way. Seunghyun is gone. And this time, in your heart, you know he won’t be coming back.

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Master List

Your body felt heavy, you could feel blood seeping from your wound despite your best effort to stop the bleeding. The warm liquid stained your shirt, causing the fabric to stick to your skin. You winced, a twinge of pain hitting you as you leaned against Leon, who had one arm wrapped around your waist yo keep you on your feet. At this angle, you couldn't get a good look at his face, but you could tell he was worried.

"Come on, stay with me" he urged, panic in his voice. He kept his eyes forward, afraid to see the amount of blood you had lost. This wasn't supposed to he a difficult mission, but nothing ever seemed to go right for the two of you. You had taken a hit meant for Leon, which left you in your current state. The feeling of guilt built up in his chest as he urged you to keep going. He was afraid that you would die. The two of you had been partners for two years, and during that time, Leon had developed feelings for you. Though, he was terrified to admit it out loud. So, he kept his feelings barried, never telling you the truth. And now, he was starting to regret that.

Suddenly, you slipped, Leon catching you before you hit the ground. He could feel his heart racing as he watched your eyes close. The panic became harder to contain as he quickly picked you up, doing his best to not cause you anymore pain. He quietly apologized as you winced and continued making his way to the helicopter that was waiting for you both. It was so close, but the amount of blood spilling from your wound scared him, would he make it in time to save you. Despite all the thoughts running through his mind, Leon didn't stop. Finally, he made it to the helicopter and laid you down. By that point, you had passed out. Leon stayed by your side as the helicopter lifted into the air, he held your hand, silently praying you would survive.

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"Leon" you spoke, it had been a month since you almost died, and there was something different about Leon. You had recovered, but he had been acting distant, which worried you. Leon turned to look at you, eyes filled with a mix of emotions that were hard to make out. You frowned, wishing he would tell you what had been bothering him.

"You wanna tell me what's going on with you?" You asked, the question coming out harsher than you intended. Leon was quiet for a moment before he responded.

"Nothing" he said, but you weren't buying it.

"Don't bullshit me, Leon. I can tell there's something wrong. You've been avoiding me lately" you retorted, crossing your arms over your chest. Leon sighed, he hadn't meant to avoid you, but after the mission, his feelings for you could no longer be denied. But, he felt conflicted. You almost died protecting him, and he felt guilty because of that. But even when he tried to distance himself from you, he still felt the urge to be by your side.

The conflicting thoughts felt like a weight pushing against his shoulders, one he desperately wanted to get rid of. He took a deep breath and thought to himself. Maybe he should just tell you the truth.

"I love you" he finally admitted, his face turning slightly red. The words hung in the air as you stared up at him, eyes going wide.

"When you almost died on that mission, I was scared. I blamed myself" he continued, you didn't say anything. You simply let him speak his mind. Though while you listened, you knew you were blushing. You had never expected him to feel the same way.

"I don't want to lose you" he admitted, there was a pause between the two of you, the atmosphere filled with a tense silence. Then, you stepped forward and stood in front of Leon. His heart started to race, but he didn't step back. Then, you leaned forward and pressed your lips against his in a passionate kiss. After getting over the shock he was feeling, Leon melted into the kiss. His eyes fell shut and he wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you as close to his muscular body as he physically could. You responded by wrapping your arms around Leon's neck as you let yourself get lost in the feeling of the kiss. Leon's lips were soft, the kiss felt as if it was taking your breath away.

Eventually the two of you had to pull away, and as you did, you spoke.