#writer@work

I’m beginning to feel icky – no, ickier – with the ugliness of this world lately. Social media is full of crazy people, but thankfully I can still see the good ones too. It’s a daily challenge to stay sane out there.

I don’t mind being a Darwinian once in a while. You know, believing in the ‘survival of the fittest’ and practice that and all. It’s good to be competitive at times. It gives you a strong motivation to move forward and improve yourself.

However, too much of it is no good. It stresses you out, giving you a heavy feeling of not achieving enough. You may forget to be grateful for what you’ve already got.

Worst of all, you can get cocky too. You may start thinking that you’re better than the others once you (believe that you) have the upper hand. You may start resenting others bitterly too when it’s the opposite; you feel that they gain the most of the advantages in the existing systems.

Like, seriously – grow up. Not everything in life has to be a competition. No need to beg for validation from other people.

These days, ‘survival of the fittest’ sounds crueler to me. I think it has always been. In reality, not everyone is stranded on the same spot. Some still have more privileges than others, no matter how you try to look at this. Let’s not lie by saying that we’re in this together.

Come on, there’s no need to get sensitive about this. It’s the truth, like it or not. Don’t worry, you don’t have to apologise for the privileges that you’ve already got right now. There are things that you can still do better these days, things that really matter.

Let’s help the less fortunate, even just a little. Help them in any way you can. I’m not being holier-than-thou about this, because the truth is – we never know.

Next time, it could be us.

Bored to tears already? Yeah, me too. I’m also fed up with these overly-mentioned terms:

·         Social (and physical) distancing.

·         The New Normal.

·         Self-quarantine.

However, the term ‘distancing’ has given me some perspectives lately:

For starters, last Eid Holiday. You see, in Indonesia, there’s this tradition where families hold gatherings and invite people over for an all-day feast. We visit friends and neighbours.

That’s actually fun, until we get to…small talks. You know, relatives or neighbours asking you some of these questions or comments, year after year after FREAKING year:

·         “So who’s your boyfriend/girlfriend now?”

·         “What? You’re still single at this age?”

·         “When will you get married?”

·         “When are you getting married?”

·         “What? No kids yet? How long have you been married anyway?”

·         “Only one kid? Your little one needs another sibling – at least one or two.” (What do they really know, seriously? They don’t even ask the toddler.)

·         “Wow. You have lots of kids. I’m sure you must be overwhelmed.” (Oh, thank you for the not-so-needed comments.)

·         “All girls? Don’t you want to try to get a son this time?” (As if they can do that the same way they order take-outs from their favourite deli.)

I know, I know. Such rude and intrusive questions/comments, eh? Unfortunately, that’s just how our culture works here. (Well, most of the time.) The sad thing is, many elders still believe that they’re entitled to throw you those lines in public without caring – whether you’d feel comfortable or not. Consider age their legal right. (Yes, it’s my sarcasm.)

In short, you get your feelings invalidated…like, a lot. You must have the thickest of skin or you’ll get into a useless fight.

This year? Thank God. In a way, you might have missed the usual traditions, but at least you didn’t have to put up with such drama. If you had used Zoom for free for a chat with your distant family and relatives last Eid holiday, you had to be effective with the 40 minutes’ session before getting disconnected.

Don’t get me wrong. I try not to hold any grudges here. (Believe me, I seriously do.) I just feel deeply reluctant myself when somebody treats family gatherings as life appraisals between members, comparing who’s already got what and who’s better at this and that…and many more.

The Benefits of Distance                                

Indonesians are generally sociable. Most of us are still tied to our families. We tend to make friends wherever we go. Plenty of us can even turn strangers into friends before turning them again into families too – or at least soul siblings by choice.

In fact, plenty of us still talk to our old school friends as we age. Sometimes it’s about real closeness, other times it’s more about maintaining relations / friendships, just for the sake of it. I know my sister still keeps in touch with friends she’s known since grade school. There’s nothing bad about it at all. In a way, she’s more like Ma.

This is why many Indonesians are still struggling with the idea of #socialdistancing. (Well, unless you’re introverts.) Most of them are not used to being alone and isolated for so long. Unfilled silence gets them anxious.

No wonder some of them have dared break the rules regarding travelling, meeting people, and being in the crowd in public spaces. Aside from the fact that many still have to go to work (or lose their jobs if not), they can’t stand isolation.

However, distance also has its own benefits, though.

For starters, you get to know yourself better – if distance happens to get you really alone. You learn to recognize yourself more, your strengths and flaws. You learn to rely on yourself even more than before, including how to make yourself feel happy.

If you know how to be happy with just yourself, then you won’t feel too sad when no one is around. You reduce your expectations on people, like on how you think they should make you feel.

Once you can do that, you won’t feel too disappointed if they let you down. You’ll try not to take everything way too personally.

 Distancing versus Blocking

Meanwhile, blocking is everyone’s last resort when distancing no longer works. Honestly, I still hate doing this. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always wanted to get on with everybody.

Of course, as I get older, I’ve realized that it’s impossible. You can’t make everybody like you or feel happy with the way you are, no matter how hard you try. The same thing goes vice versa.

So I started adjusting more to reality and becoming more flexible. I’ve become more pragmatic too, although with the risk of being misunderstood as ‘cold and unfeeling’. I admit that I’m still emotional at times. Still, I don’t want that to ruin my whole day.

There are some people that I’ve already blocked online and offline too. I used to think it was a sign of cowardice, one’s inability to deal with differences.

Now I see that as a way to be much kinder to yourself. After all, your mental health matters too.

You don’t have to put up with everything you can’t really bear. You have the right to choose. If possible, sometimes it’s okay to just step back, distance yourself for a while, assess the situation from afar, or even place some serious boundaries between you and whatever makes you feel uncomfortable or unhappy.

For how long? It depends on how long you need it to be.

 R.

Next time I see you,

perhaps I have to look away.

Just a brief smile,

before looking down

as if my shoes are more important.

 It’s not you.

It’s me,

no matter how cliche this can be.

You’ve allowed someone else to reside

deep in your heart.

 I’m just passing by,

secretly gazing at your door,

a lost chance to be your regular visitor.

Why expect some more?

 Still,

I have to be careful.

You can’t know.

You’re not the guilty party here.

I’m supposed to be done with these tears.

 Maybe to some,

romance is still scary.

Love is not always a beauty,

but an illusion that leads to agony.

Why me?

No idea.

 For now,

I’ll just keep looking down

or away,

just to avoid your curious gaze.

Once again,

I have no choice but to face

the same, old and familiar reality.

 R.

Jakarta, December 2019

I had wanted to write “Every Grown-up” instead of “Every Wise Person” on the subtitle. However, I knew better. There are grown-ups still overly sensitive and egotistical, no matter how ‘real’ they are.

Yes, they are only (considered) ‘real’ grown-ups by age – not maturity nor wisdom. Sadly, there are still a lot of them. (Hopefully, you and I are not included.)

One of the most disturbing things about them is their lack of (or worse, nonexistent) ability to differentiate criticism with insult. They also deal with both like little kids with tantrums.

Oops. Did I just insult them? There. I have just given you an example. It is an insult if you:

-       Call them names.

-       Bully them verbally, like telling them that they are stupid and cannot do their jobs right.

-       Put them down without giving them any solutions to set things right.

Then, what about criticism?

Well, I understand that not everyone makes a great critic. All they do is complain. No solutions are offered.

Yes, I also admit that their frustration can often lead to insulting other people they deem less than their expectations on them. (Personally, I have met people like that and I no longer talk to them. I choose not to put up with those who need to insult others in order to make themselves feel more superior. That kind of drama is a waste of my precious time, heart, and mind.)

Since their criticism is not delivered with any suggestions or solutions to a problem, then they are not really helping, are they? Why should we even listen to them?

What if, despite the suggestions or solutions already offered, the criticised still get angry, take it personally, and in fact decide to ‘teach you a lesson’? Yes, teaching you a lesson for questioning their skills and authority in public. For making them look – and feel – like complete fools in front of everybody. (Well, even if the truth does show them that!)

I admit that I am also sensitive. I sometimes get angry easily. It is not something I would like to deny nor be proud of. It is how I am. If you do not like it or think it is my weakness, then perhaps it is your problem for being so arrogant.

However, that does not mean I will always attack everybody up front and right away. For example: there will always be people who make fun of my weight, as if it will literally hurt their eyes everytime they see me. Do they anger me? Oh, yeah.

Do I really want to do something bad to them? Believe me, that thought has crossed my mind so many times. After all, I am only human.

However, what is the bloody point? Besides, that will be exhausting and a complete waste of time. I have got better things to do than showing them how much they are being jerks to me.

Okay, another example: my work is being criticised. Just like with every decent grown-up in this situation, you have two (2) obvious choices:

1.    Take it with a grain of salt and try to improve your work.

2.    Attack your critics (whether it is your boss or some subordinate) like you are the little child who lashes out at every person you personally dislike.

If the second one is your choice, then you will make yourself an absolute tyrant to anybody around you. If you happen to be a leader (even worse if you work in the government), I hope your subordinates will not go crazy and commit suicide.

I hope they will bring you down soon enough instead, no matter how much of a bully you are.

Will I ever get to know

the meaning of that look?

I'm afraid to find out as I go

There might be no turning back,once I'm hooked

Your eyes seem to refuse

to give it all away

I can't still figure out the cues

but I won't go crazy about it for days...

...or have I?

Have I already been drawn in too deep,

right to the point I can no longer lie?

I hate this, because I'm disturbed in my sleep

I guess I should just stop

questioning silently

For now, at least

I let you be a mystery

and enjoy every moment in bliss

Someday, I'll find out what it is

that twinkle in your eyes

and that secret behind your smile...

R.

You will know that I love you

even when I don’t say it

not even out loud

or even when I’m still way too proud

That fact, I have to admit

I still own it

 How?

It’s tricky

Sorry, I’m not making this easy

I promise you, though

it won’t be too cliche or tacky

 You will know that I love you

and it’s not from how I compliment your looks

Vanity’s not in my books

You never have to look like a supermodel

as long as we can work out our troubles

 You’ll be surprised

when I let you win a spar

even when I know I’m right

or don’t feel like putting up a fight

or perhaps just accept that you are

Which one is it?

Take your best bet

 You will know that I love you

when I ditch my favourite rock concert

or reschedule my hangout time with friends

just because I find out

that you’ve been hurt

I will surely feel worse

 You will know that I love you

when to me, your opinion matters (or starts to)

Still, I make my own choices

but you’ll see that I’m staying

as long as you don’t treat me

like a mere puppet on a string

 I’m not the all-too-clingy

I hope you have the patience with me

I don’t want to be some damsel-in-distress

but I still appreciate the help

before I crash

Believe me, I’m still learning how to ask

 You will know that I love you

when you apologise for your fluffy hair

but I don’t care

I pay more attention to the redness in your eyes

and I wonder if you too realise

 I may appear tough on the outside

because I’m just not the prissy type

I’m willing to take almost anything in the world

but tears in your eyes are probably some of the worst

than all the pain I’ve ever suffered

 Last but not least,

you will know that I love you

when I won’t waste time fretting about how you were

but how you are right now even more

and hopefully, you will become someone better

sometime in the future

 You will know,

but how far are you willing to go

to that day – when I will start loving you so?

 After all I’ve written above

I hope it’s enough

but sorry, I have to break this news:

I’m still not changing my ‘everything’ for you

because I still love myself too

I only do it when I want to...

 Haha!

 So, care to find out

what I’m really all about?

For starters,

we need to find a place

where we can meet face to face.

 Then we’ll begin from there.

So, what do you say?

I've never asked for any of this. When I first saw you in the crowd, I should've looked away. I should've pretended you weren't there.

Then again, fate works in mysterious ways. As cliche as it sounds, it always does. You noticed me too and gave me your first smile.

After that, came the first talk and the next meeting. Then more talks and meetings after that. It doesn't matter that we live far away and don't get to see each other every day.

I thought I'd kept it safely locked deep inside. I thought I'd always known what to do. Then again, the scary things started to occur.

The door to my isolated castle started opening, completely against my will. It stayed open, waiting to let you in. You started showing me your past mental scars. Are you waiting for my invitation?

The crowd is anticipating, waiting for our next plots to unravel. Of course, all sensible audience want a happy ending. That ever after and all that jazz.

Will this be a shorter or longer kind of love story? Right now, we're still at the same pause, unsure where to go. Is there even love involved?

I hope there's still another setting, with you and me in the crowd. Some of those familiar faces eye us silently, probably hoping for the best possible outcome.

"Go for it," their quiet voices whisper in my ear, chanting for support. "Give it a try. Perhaps he feels the same way too."

Yet you and I are still right where we are, standing silently - and shyly - on the sidelines. Exchanging smiles as usual and with that twinkle in your dark brown eyes.

We're like two reluctant little kids in the playground, unsure what to say and do. Silence has offered us the comfort to hide from more heartbreak.

What can we possibly offer to each other? Some other voices from the crowd harshly remind me that we may never have that future together.

I wish I could read your mind, but would I be ready with what I might find? Would that break away the frail bond that has slowly formed?

Of all the people in the world, why does it have to be you? Honestly, I wish it weren't.

But it is you...and I don't know what to do.

R.