The Hollywood Writer Strike: Demands
The WGA has officially gone on strike, freezing Hollywood’s ability to make anything but rebooted old game shows, sleazy reality shows, and Star Trek Lower Decks. Here is a list of the guild’s demands to return to work:
Writers must be paid in actual money, and not solely in movie ticket discount coupons to their own films.
If a studio AI duplicates the entirety of a writer’s unmade script, that writer can no longer be sued by the studio for copyright infringement on the AI script, should their real script ever be made.
Writers must be credited for their work even if producers think their name will look funny in the credits, in accordance with the proposed "Eszterhas Law."
Writers must be entitled to eat and drink at any time, and not only on completion of page quotas. They must also gain the right to drink filtered water, not just tap or ditch water.
Hazing in writers rooms must no longer allow for any acts that may render the writer permanently unable to write.
Actors may no longer hunt writers for sport, even during awards season.
Studios must not force writers to type or print material in their own blood (known in the industry as "Verhoeven Calligraphy").
Writers working on deferred payment can no longer be starved, beaten, dismembered, or boiled to death in their own mothers’ milk just for a producer’s amusement. The producer must now have an actual reason.
Studio executives may not punish writers with electrical or flame based torture, nor keelhauling, sleep deprivation in excess of one year, acts in violation of Geneva conventions, killing of their firstborn children, or forcing them to work with J.J. Abrams. All these techniques are strictly reserved for visual effects personnel, may God have mercy on their souls.
As per Hollywood tradition, the WGA will hold out for long enough to cull all but the ten most popular writers, who will then set out to begin anew in a distant land (Mid-Wilshire) and reforge the Hollywood system as its executives, who will then hire and abuse new writers, beginning the cycle again.