#writebloody

It takes grit, gut, and glory to tell your story.

So, here is to the walls I built and the survivor's guilt I carry around like a newborn being sworn into a new world.

One with patience for my tender, for my soul to mend her weary head, for the dead to rest in peace (even when I wake in fits), for my good to matter more than the effort it takes to love me in return being too much, for finally becoming just enough.

who knows anymore

the only skills i have left are stuck paying the bills and the sets that mean the most are sitting alone in my room

but at least i have one and the house is warm and my heart is beating and i'm not getting beat whether by fists or hearts who never wanted anything from me other than the pain of relinquishing the best of me instead of loving the worst of me the way i learned how to

so it goes, so they say this, too, shall pass until it doesn't i say

i say a lot of things like, it cannot rain all the time even when it comes in monsoons

and it did this time

but surviving is about more than the thriving it takes to make it out of it alive remember that remember me for what i am actually worth and not what was wanted from me remember me for the good memories instead of the bad

we all need help sometimes i'm just a little more stubborn than the rest always trying to be the best at being the best at what at nothing nada zilch jack shit

'cept for losing my shit, i guess literally and figuratively 'cept for gaining back my sanity which makes it worth it

it's worth it, is the point or is the point worth it i forget which one or did one forget me either way, i'm still here willing away the fear to live and living up to what i've wanted from myself from the get go

well, if i didn't care so much with so little to show for it if i didn't sacrifice myself to things that weren't worth it if i chose to love the worst of me why couldn't i love better the worst of others until they were as good with me as they turned out to be without me every single time

or am i just romanticizing the balancing act of grieving into believing the souls left aren't leaving me early, too, in some way or the other

and my bed is empty except for my toys the way it should have been all along

but in my youth, i was dumb and thought love equated to all the things that hurt the most because it was what i was used to

well, that is in the past and so are you and you and you

so am i

but that's the way it has to be

either come to me full of wanton desire and care about my insides the way i do

You are made of infinite star matter and you matter to more than you ever gave yourself credit for.

Always shooting for the moon when the moon was already there, ever-present and not taking you for granted, unlike your own self.

Make this the best year yet. Shed the fears you carry like refugees to betterlands and say goodbye to the badlands.

Put the past behind you. The future is too bright not to light the way to where you have been headed since you were on your own long ago.

This is nothing new and you knew from the get go eventually, the day of let go would rear its head. Rear yours back, darling.

Stare God in the eyes this time and pray your faults be forgiven, because sinning is temporary while sacrifice is permanent.