#workrants

15-03-15

I know I’ve been obsessing over finding a job and then I’ve ranted so much about it. I felt its important to write it over here that I’ve got a job at a luggage company. Although I haven’t been proud about the brand that I’ve joined since I always thought I’d work for the best top 3 or else I won’t. But that’s not what happened..anyway, I’m sort of fine with the brand that I’m working for since it was the most approachable option for me. 

Its again product development and brand management for one of the luggage categories. I am taking an oath today that from now on I will start reading the book that I think I want to read. Recently, I’ve been craving to read novels since my mind is calm when I’m reading and busy in some other world of my imagination. I’ve come to realize that I like the book world or other people’s life more happy and enjoyable than my own. My life is way too much of work as compared to just appreciating what others have been doing in their life. I know this isn’t the right way forward but I guess for now since I’m struggling to feel good on a continuous basis I need it right now. Feeling busy in something else which isn’t mine. 

I just want to be grateful to God that for now he has given me a job that many would love to do. I’m being grateful about the things I’m doing now as compared to sitting at home and feeling frustrated about not knowing what I want. 

Today was supposedly a day of respite from work. R and I caught a superbug that has left us running high fevers and sniffly noses. It was rather cute to be seated like little kids before the doctor, pointing fingers at who should be examined first. That was my morning, including responding to errant work emails.

The afternoon - as always - makes monsters of us all. Co-workers sluggish from lunch and broken air conditioners in the office - who wouldn't be grumpy. Clients start giving feedback a little too close for deadline comfort, media colleagues get panicky, the day starts to end and nothing's ready.

Meanwhile, I'm quarantined at home. Fever is running at 38 degrees and I'm a little delirious. Just a titch. But questions and instructions must be delivered, so i continue to work.

And when my body could not focus no more, i napped. Then the great deluge of 'productivity' happened, and suddenly 10 emails were exchanged between client and agency till the dust settled.

By now, the media team is inexplicably at their wits because submission is late, and suppliers will turn them down...oh no, oh no...

Well that's a fucking challenge innit. Isn't your role -  and one that you should excel in - to establish the finest relationship with your suppliers so that unforeseeable circumstances like today can be managed properly?

Bah non, what happens instead? Media colleagues fucking turn their backs on us, shoots us with a very uncalled-for email telling us to mind the Ps and Qs. But you know what? Fuck you. This is Cambodia and we're not some gilded ad agency that's won a Cannes trophy. Your corporate hierarchal shit don't work in an environment whose people are frankly, too blasé (in the worst way possible) to care.

Email etiquette is lost on people these days. It's a craft to set clear intentions with words, not sound accusatory lest you offend the reader. Emails are for brisk requests, not naggy "nyanyanyanyanya, shame on you" finger-pointing ammunition.

I expect more from the expats who've worked in much more developed conditions and social circles to exude emotional sensitivity. Guess I expect too much.

Which brings me to the dilemma as I face a seemingly endless grey tunnel leading to my 2nd anniversary in Phnom Penh. How long more can I give myself to this torture? Which is: An environment devoid of more friends I can count on one hand (that's not asking much). An office environment that is as creatively bland as it is emotionally unintuitive. I have to be brutally honest - my Khmer colleagues are not the most exciting bunch of thinkers on this planet and it IS CONTINUALLY frustrating to flounder together. 

Maya Angelou said, "What you're supposed to do when you don't like a thing is change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it. Don't complain.” And God help me, I try this everyday. I try to wake up everyday and first slot a positive thought right before the limbs move into action. I try to come up with ideas to make everyday more livable. But I am slipping, god I'm slipping. 

And yet I stay because 1) my student loans demand responsibility 2) against my better judgment, I do still believe i came to Cambodia for reasons I can't see now, but can only experience no matter how painful or frustrating 3) because I'm in love with someone wonderful.

Today I spent a good portion of time with Maya Angelou. I'm ashamed that I discovered/ rediscovered closely what she offered to the world through her literature and mentorship. In addition to the quote above, this one resonates just as much because it's so close to home.

“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.”