#workplace harassment

- Gloria Steinem

idk what the meme is called but here you go, art by me no ai

How do we handle and prevent workplace sexual harassment for vulnerable women?

I've been asking myself this question for years, and based on my own experiences, there are two keys: first, there must be trustworthy women around. Second, those trustworthy women must be bold, loud, bitches, ideally in positions of power.

Here are the two examples from my life that I think illustrate why I believe in these two as the most important.

1. A 20-something year old man makes jokes about a 17-year old girl secretly being into one of her male coworkers. "Locker room talk" as they say. Her boyfriend is pissed, other men in the workplace largely don't care or even support the initial guy.

The owner and manager of the restaurant, an extremely snappy and harsh middle aged woman, immediately fires the man who started the incident. She tells him that regardless of his intentions, this teenage girl was uncomfortable working with him, and that was that.

Note: the man who got fired in this story was me, pre-transition. For the record, I deeply admire my former employer's decision to prioritize a young girl's feeling of safety. I also learned a valuable lesson about shutting the fuck up on the clock. Notice how male solidarity kicked in to protect me socially, and I didn't even ask for it!

2. A man in his 60s repeatedly offers "gifts" to young women, urging them to keep the behavior secret, and is consistently dismissive and cold to female coworkers. A young woman comes to me with this, asking what she should do. I affirm that she's right to be creeped out, record that she mentioned it to me, and let her know I will support her if and when she is ready to go to management. Eventually, she does. The man is not fired, but the behavior stops.

In both these cases, the harassment behavior was not explicitly violent, and the young women in question went to older women they felt they could trust to feel out their options. In example 1, it was the owner-manager. In example 2, it was me: someone in the same position, but with a reputation for being supportive, thoughtful, and bold. I think example 1 had the better outcome, though. A man who actively tries to hide his predatory behavior shouldn't get a second chance.

The presence of bold women emboldens vulnerable ones to share their struggles, but that doesn't guarantee a good outcome unless one such woman is actually in charge of making the relevant decisions.

When you’re part of a marginalized group: disabled, queer, POC- you’re often advised to tolerate discomfort “just this one time.”

But it’s never just one time.

Do they think they’re the first to tell me to let things slide? Keep it to myself? Grin and bear it? I would love to have this be a one time issue. Hell yeah I’d tough it out and reap the rewards, but they’re underestimating how discrimination has bled into every aspect of my life.

I was advised yesterday that if my manager was unfairly targeting me for behavior that was not only allowed, everyone else was doing it at all times, I should just not do it. “Don’t be like everyone else,” they said. But they also said that I was over-sensitive and that this bias wasn’t real. This coworker went on to joke later that she never gets in trouble and she doesn’t know why.

See how it’s not a fair request? Because the advice she was giving was not just for work, it was for my whole life. To avoid being targeted, stay still, stay quiet, stay perfectly behaved. Forever.