#workingthroughit

👷🏼‍♂️👷‍♀️💻🛠

I spent my day, hungover from the night before and took a drive out to Gasworks Park that has a gorgeous view of Seattle. As I sat there, i realized how unhappy I was and took the time I needed to ask myself why.  After my own self reflection, I tried calling my best friend Jill.. She didn’t answer. Some time passed and as I sat on the hill, gazing at the skyline, she called me back. I started talking to her, asking her about her house and how things were going with her, Maggie, and Eddie. She asked about my night, who the chick was in my snap, and if I liked Seattle. I knew I called her for a reason, and it wasn’t for any of these reasons. I called her because she is a very important person in my life who I have yet to tell that I might be trans. It’s not that I was keeping it from her, it’s that there was never the right time.  I only ever really wanted to start telling people after my time in Portland, OR and so when I got back and spent the week at her place, I thought it’d be easy, but it wasn’t. It hasn’t been easy at all to tell people face to face, unless they are people I have met after the fact. The people who already know me and love me as a lesbian, that’s a different story. When me and Jill had our day out in Boston, I thought it would be the perfect timing, but I never found the chance. The trip was so stressful and I was so absorbed in reconnecting with my ex that the trip didn’t even seem all too relevant to being a fun and cool time in our friendship. I’m glad we did it because we reconnected after the damage that had been done from my relationship and after my time away traveling. I had missed her, and I wanted her to know. Anyway, I realized that I never told her I was struggling with this and Jill is a big part of my life. Somewhere in the conversation, I saw my shot. She mentioned something about a trans conspiracy and I used that as my window. She guessed it. Apparently, at some point last year, when me, her, Mags, and my ex had all gone out to eat I made a comment about chopping off my boobs. Jill had apparently responded asking if I wanted to transition in a joking way and I got super weird about it. Apparently, I don’t recall. But sounds about right, because I’ve been so closed off and uncomfortable to this idea for a while. We had an hour and a half conversation about it, which is the most I’ve gotten out of any of my friends. She was so accepting, asked questions, and shared her support in so many ways. I was surprised at the amazing support. Most of my past friends I’ve told haven’t even flinched, which is cool in itself, but it was even cooler to have someone take a sense of interest and ask and care about where my heads at. It felt SO good to talk to her and it was so amazing to listen to her and connect with her in a way I never had because I run the risk of losing my family, and she’s basically already faced that just by being gay. I’ve had my own struggles with being gay and my family coming around, but never once did they leave my side. And I guess I never realized how strong Jill has been for coming to a place in her life where she accepts the loss of her family because she knows herself, and that’s actually a big reason why I haven’t told my family about possibly being trans. It was so refreshing to talk to her.  She was so excited about everything and we through out jokes about how if I started Testosterone and get bigger muscles than her, she’ll be pissed. My heart has felt so full, with the acceptance I’ve gotten from the people I’ve told and their patience and understanding with what I’m going through. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have friends who stick by me and to have friends who just genuinely care about my happiness. I think sometimes I take them for granted because sometimes I don’t believe people care unless they show me with their actions. And that was a big action, I can never forget.  I’ve talked to Trans Men who have told me to brace for impact because there will be friends who don’t accept it. But If right now, I keep the ones I’ve told, who have accepted it, I’ll be more than happy...because I don’t need quantity, I need quality, and I’ve got some serious dimes for friends and keep building that platform even higher.  My heart is full, I’m taking steps to accepting myself, and I’ve never felt more happier and free.

Another #stickynote #poetics #selfanalysis #experimentaltext #workingthroughit https://www.instagram.com/p/ClmCbkEPuga/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Resuming my #stickynotes experimentation. #poetics #selfanalysis #experimentaltext #workingthroughit https://www.instagram.com/p/Cljz2GhyCTc/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

When I worked as an AC assistant for a few months...this was my first day...man I don't miss it one bit haha #workingthroughit #workinggirl #wednesday #feb2 https://www.instagram.com/p/CZemIoUrqX3/?utm_medium=tumblr

Another day.... @fitbit #positiveoutlook #happywednesday #redhair #redhairdontcare #workingthroughit https://www.instagram.com/p/CSug9YRpGZW/?utm_medium=tumblr

#art #painting #artblock #workingthroughit #mydearestspoon #gracias #thankyoupleaseenjoy (at Golden Valley, Arizona) https://www.instagram.com/p/CKTlYDVj_9z/?igshid=jz3vapsr2muq