#workingonwisdom

Why am I doing this?

One thing I've learned in my life is that no one has all the answers. Plus, sometimes the most obvious answers are the ones that need to be pointed out to us. I often find little snippets of information in the strangest places, and think to myself – ‘Duh! That's so obvious! Why didn't I figure this out on my own a whole lot sooner? It would have made my life soooo much easier’.

Growing up on a farm, you learn to be self-reliant. Along the way you (sometimes) also develop the perspective that asking for help can be seen as a weakness. Or you're just not used to asking for help; after all, the nearest neighbour is four miles down the road, so you just get used to dealing with and handling your own problems.

But this approach isn't always super-effective.

None of us knows everything. And the minute we try to segue into new territory, we probably will find we know absolutely nothing. This is when asking for help and advice really comes into play. This is why the smartest thing you can do is find someone familiar with the territory, ask for help and learn from their hard-won wisdom.

Now sometimes that's easier said than done. People can be very protectionist about their knowledge (hey, no judgement; everyone's on their own journey, right?). But there are ways around this. Maybe you can source someone amenable and supportive from your pool of personal and/or professional contacts. Maybe you have something you can offer them to create a mutually beneficial reciprocal arrangement. Maybe you'll need to hire them as a coach. The first thing you need to do is ask.

The second thing you need to do is pay it forward. Be open to sharing YOUR wisdom and knowledge with others who are still figuring their stuff out. Which brings me back to my opening sentence – why am I doing this? By this I mean ‘Working On Wisdom’, the blog, and @working.on.wisdom, the Instagram account.

I've done a lot of living in my day. I've hit a lot of walls at full speed, and I've found out a lot of really important, helpful, useful knowledge by doing so, from some really wonderful, smart, helpful people who I have crossed paths with along the way. This is my way of paying it back.

If one person can benefit from my mistakes, or the little snippets of wisdom, or the tips and tricks I've learned along the way, then sharing my s**t is worth it.

Is there some area of your life that could benefit from the wisdom, knowledge and experience of others? If so, get asking.

When the sh*tstorm that was my 'restructuring' happened, my husband told me that it was OK to be angry. Indeed, I could be as angry as I liked for the next two weeks, or even a month. Truly revel in my anger - take it out for walk daily if need be. But then I had to move on.

My husband is a wise man. Because when something truly odious happens to you, it is ok to feel angry. It is healthy to feel mad, enraged even, because you are totally justified in doing so. But the trick is knowing how to let go and more on.

I'm a pretty positive person, so I don't like spending my time with negative feelings. But in this instance it was needed. I needed to let the poison out so it would not fester and, ultimately, take me out.

To help myself move on quicker, I created my Anger Box. It is a little box in my psyche, where I have put my justified anger. Every once in a while, I let it out and have a little moment with it. I don't feel bad about doing so, I don't feel guilty. I just blow off a little steam, and thusly relieved, put the feelings back in my Anger Box.

By following this strategy I am not denying my feelings - ‘cause, boy, do I deserve to have them. But I am also not letting them run my life. They have their place, and I do not deny them that. But I also know when to say 'ok guys, that's enough. You need to go have little nap now'.

In the article 'What does anger do to your body? The physical and mental effects of anger' on thriveworks.com, Kate Hanselman (Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practioner) tells us that 'it’s healthy and normal to feel angry from time to time! However, if we don’t take the time to manage and recover from our anger, we’re at risk of suffering from negative effects — both physically and mentally'.

The article goes on to explain that anger releases huge amounts of cortisol and adrenaline into our bloodstream; this is a biological response which over the long term can interfere with the body’s ability to heal itself.

"Occasional anger is fine for the body — as long as there is a recovery time for the body to clear itself of cortisol and adrenaline. Constant and building anger are detrimental to the body and often are ignored because a person has become accustomed to living in a toxic and over-stimulated environment," adds John Sovec (Physchotherapist).

Patrice Douglas (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) also gives us a deeper explanation of what happens to the body when anger takes hold, and how harmful it can be.

"When we are angry, it takes three seconds for our body to go into full fight or flight mode, which means our body is ready to take on an attack. When angry, we stay in this state for approximately 30 minutes each time we are mad throughout the day. This creates exhaustion and wears on our bodies causing weaker immune systems, which then leads to a higher risk of infection.”

“Having body in attack mode can increase blood pressure and rapid heart beating, which can ultimately cause heart attacks or a stroke [later in life]. Many people report feeling exhaustion and headaches when having anger issues. While anger is an extremely important emotion to have as it alerts us when something is wrong and change needs to happen, health-wise it can be dangerous if it occurs frequently and/or lasts for too long.”

We can exhaust our bodies with anger, leading to weaker immune systems. And a weaker immune system means a greater risk of becoming sick."

Seems as if I am on the right track with my Anger Box. It keeps my anger in a healthy contained place, where it is not ruling my life. And, like dealing with a feral cat, each time I let it out it is a little less ferocious. I'm not saying there will ever come a time when it's cuddly, but I'm hoping that someday we will at least be able to peacefully co-exist.

Since my last post, I have been surfing a veritable tsunami of emotions, with a ginormous dollop of ennui riding the crest.

Ennui: a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom.

No maybe it’s not quite ennui, 'cause boredom certainly doesn’t come into play.

Apathy maybe? The absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement. A lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.

Or maybe languor? A lack of energy or vitality; sluggishness. A lack of spirit or interest; listlessness; stagnation. A physical weakness or faintness. An emotional softness or tenderness.

Yup, I think that’s the one.

All I know is that I’m having a real hard time convincing myself to do much of anything.

In the blog post ‘What Is Languor and How to Deal With It’, Nidore Essentia describes languor (or the state of languishing) as follows:

“Languishing is the ignored child of mental health. It is the gap between depression and well-being: the absence of well-being. Languishing clouds your motivation, alters your ability to concentrate and triples the chances that you will reduce your work capacity.”

Nidore Essentia suggests ‘flow‘ as an antidote to languor.

“Flow is that elusive state of being engrossed in a meaningful challenge or momentary bond, in which your sense of time, space, and yourself fades.”

It’s about starting with small victories.”

According to Adam Grant (a psychologist and academic at the University of Pennsylvania who is quoted in the article): “One of the clearest paths to fluency is a manageable difficulty: a challenge that tests your skills and increases your determination.”

So today, my ‘manageable difficulty’ is creating a blog post about how I’m feeling. Job done.

Tomorrow is another day.

~

You can read the full article at https://www.nidoreessentia.com/en/science-and-smell/que-es-la-languidez-y-como-combatirla/

The problem with two life-altering, cataclysmic events happening within the same short period of time, is that - like wack-a-mole - one of them is always waiting to pop up and catch you when you least expect it.

Coming into the first Christmas without my mom, I was prepared for big feelings. My family battened down those hatches and we coped.

What I wasn’t expecting, after the presents were unwrapped, and the big meals eaten, and the guests heading for home, was to be hit full in the face with the existential angst of being unemployed.

I thought I had put most of these particular ghosts to rest, but I think maybe it has to do with the New Year looming, and no set plan of what to do next. I hate not contributing to our income, and feel I’ve let my family down.

In her piece ‘Five Painful Things to Do When You Lose Your Job’ in www.the muse.com , Elizabeth Alterman talks about the importance of acknowledging your feelings, but then moving on.

“… after you’ve been let go, you may find yourself experiencing a range of emotions: panic upon saying goodbye to a regular paycheck, exhilaration as you embrace life without a set routine, rage when you reflect on all the long hours you devoted to your former position—the list goes on.

Rather than get caught up in each of these, recognize that they’re all normal. But then—and this is the tough love talk everyone needs in this situation—move on and focus on the future.”

I think this is really important advice, as acknowledging our feelings airs out your wounds rather than letting them fester in silence, and the discomfort you feel can also be a spur to move forward.

Indeed, I think part of this psychic slump was due to my lack of productivity about where I’m going next. I have been very busy these last few months working on personal development, laying some foundations and getting back to fighting speed, all of which kept me pretty sane and centered.

Talking my foot off the gas for the holidays allowed some of the old demons and insecurities the space to sneak back into my head. Getting back and busy on my future plans, getting in control of what I can be in control of and, heck, even just writing about it in this blog is already giving me a new lease on life.

What I’m saying is movement is key. Physical movement, like going for a walk, exercising, doing yoga, or mental movement, like thinking, learning, planning are great ways to get your sad, sludgy internal systems moving again.

So I guess those are my words of wisdom for today. Don’t be afraid to feel your feelings; listen to them, honor them, and then let them go.

Then get busy doing whatever positive things you can that will contribute to your forward momentum.

The bad times are just a blip on your journey. So long as you don’t decide to sit down in the middle of them and make them your home, you will pass through them and come out in a different (and usually better) place.

So what do you do when your world implodes? If you are anything like me, you probably: 1) swear - a lot; 2) cry - a lot; and 3) drink copious amounts of alcohol. And that's ok, because at this point you really need some catharsis. But, when the dust settles, and you are looking out into the big scary abyss of your future, you need a plan for moving forward.

'Moving forward' is key here. Because you can't just sit in your crisis and hope it will pass on it's own. Or that anyone will come and save you. You need to figure out what you are going to do next.

Your first step might be knowing you need time to heal. You might be exhausted, and emotional and sad, and these are not great places from which to make big life decisions. My husband, very wisely, insisted that I take 3 months off and DO NOTHING - no big life decisions, no crazily trying to fill the void of my lost job by just bouncing into anything that presented itself.

But 'doing nothing' did include doing a few important things.

Firstly, I got a recommendation for a good therapist. Someone who would be able to help me unpack everything I was feeling, and could help me see the wood between my trees. It was so helpful to be able to sift through my s**t with someone supportive, completely impartial and who came equipped with a whole tool bag of things I could do to help myself through the pain and confusion.

Secondly, I took the time to really start thinking about what I wanted from my life. What I wanted the next chapter to look like. I'm not saying that I will get everything, but at least I am building a solid foundation from which to make decisions. I started reading helpful and interesting books, like 'The Artist's Way' by Julia Cameron (and doing the exercises to help me reconnect with my creative self); 'The Five Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom' by Don Miguel Ruez; and of course, revisiting everything Dr. Wayne Dyer has ever written.

Thirdly, I started learning. I went online and looked for classes and/or workshops in things I was really interested in, or skillsets I wanted to improve. I am a great believer in education - and self education - and that the learning process will always open new vistas in your reality. To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow."

What is it about death that brings out the worst in families?

I don’t even know where to go from that last statement.

I’d like to say something profound and philosophical, but honestly I’m flummoxed.

So flummoxed, in fact, that I plugged ‘why do families fight over inheritance’ into Google (the font of all knowledge) and a very interesting article from estate planning.com popped up.

According to them:

“There are five basic reasons why families fight in matters of inheritance:

First, humans are genetically predisposed to competition and conflict;

Second, our psychological sense of self is intertwined with the approval that an inheritance represents, especially when the decedent is a parent;

Third, we are genetically hardwired to be on the lookout for exclusion, sometimes finding it when it doesn’t exist;

Fourth, families fight because the death of a loved one activates the death anxieties of those left behind; and finally,

Fifth: in some cases, one or more members of a family has a partial or full-blown personality disorder that causes them to distort and escalate natural family rivalries into personal and legal battles.

These sources of family conflict are not mutually exclusive; in most cases, some combination of the five elements present themselves in a combustible cocktail of family rivalry and conflict.”

This is pretty enlightening. Indeed, I can identify a number of my family dynamics at play in the above list.

It doesn’t make the situation any easier, or less painful, but I do believe knowledge is power. I think understanding is key to keeping one's own sense of mental and emotional balance in the eye of the storm. At the very least, having an understanding of what is going on behind other people’s curtains helps to lessen the negative impact of their actions.

Kinda.

To quote Sir Elton John: “It’s sad, so sad. It’s a sad time situation. And it’s getting more and more absurd.”

Such is my life at the moment. Hashtag sad face. :-(

So here’s what happened.

For several years I have been working across two departments in my company. I managed a number of college programs on one side, the lent my writing and editorial skills to our marketing department on the other. For the past 6-9 months I had been having discussions and slowly segueing into a role solely in marketing. As recently as two weeks previously, I was working with the department line manager to define my new job description. As recently as 10 days ago I had a start date of July 11th.

Then my mom died. At 99 it wasn’t unexpected, but it still obviously SUCKED. Slowly getting back to work I have a meeting set up, to my knowledge, to finalize my new contract. Instead... I was informed the job no longer existed due to ‘restructuring’, and I was - as of that moment - unemployed. And don’t let the door hit me on the way out.

I. Was. Devastated.

This is a company I have put heart and soul into for eight years, because that’s who I am. I have great relationships with my co-workers and line managers. I’m a world class problem-solver and fire putter-outer. Students like and respect me. Trust me, I bring a lot to the party.

Oh, and did I mention this meeting happened the day before my mother’s cremation. Classy move dudes.

So this sets up the context, but what I really want to talk about is the emotional fall out. I felt like I had just had another death in the family; and in some respects I have. If you love your job, and enjoy your coworkers, then loosing that situation, that environment, is like a death.

(Note: Please don't get me wrong, NOTHING equates to the loss of my mother. But losing my job as well? Didn't. Exactly. Help.)

An article by torontopsychology.com states: “Losing a job has negative impacts not just on your financial health, but also your physical and mental health. Several studies have demonstrated a clear connection between being laid off and increased rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, trauma and suicide.”

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

The article adds that some common experiences people report after being let go include:

A loss in meaning and purpose,

Low motivation and zest for life,

Loss of what gave structure and routine to your daily life,

Sense of helplessness, feeling like one is not useful,

Loss in the ability to apply personal skills to a project that leads to positive outcomes and gives you a sense of agency and personal autonomy,

Loss of a socially valued role and social contacts,

Feelings of grief, anger, and sadness.

Tick. Times seven. I've got some work to do figuring out how to move past this situation, but at least I now feel validated for how bad I feel.

Ten years ago I started a blog tracing the six months leading up to my turning 50, and the six months after. The idea was to really examine the situation, how it effected me, and identify things that had - along the way - held great meaning to me.

It was an interesting process, and I learned a lot about myself along the way. Socrates said that 'an unexamined life is not worth living', and I think there is wisdom in that.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines 'taking stock' as: To take stock (of something) is to think carefully about a situation or event and form an opinion about it, so that you can decide what to do. I think it is very wise to take stock of our lives from time to time to identify what's working, what isn't, and how we want to move forward. Turning 50 seemed to be a good time for this, and it was.

Now ten years later I seem to be starting a new journey. I have turned 60 this past year (how on earth did THAT happen?!). If that wasn't hard enough to get my head around, within a two week period lost my beloved mother (who was also my best friend), and suddenly (without any warning what-so-ever) was let go from a company I have put heart and soul into for 8 years -- on pretty much the eve of my moving into a new position with them.

WOW.

Just. Wow.

How do I even begin to navigate this?