#wordsbyme

Questioning everything

Even my existence

Cause this morning I woke up with a fresh mind

Yet hours later, I’m buzzed by dark thoughts

Hot & cold

Feels like hell

But sometimes

My heart bursts from so much happiness

I guess

I’m Stuck between

I am coming to you with full vulnerability, transparency and in need of guidance. I feel so lost. In life, as a whole. I wonder sometimes if its selfish of me to ask for things when you already have other people in need as well. Ahead of the line, so to speak. People who are more in need or more deserving. So at times I refrain from asking in detail for things that I so desperately feel that I need or want. I often think to myself, “ The audacity of you to even think you’re worthy. What makes you think you deserve more out of life. Just accept the fact that, this is all there is for you. Got it? And don’t even think about disturbing anyone with these feelings. Keep it to yourself and move on”.  Afterwards I just go on with my day. 

Even the fact that I am writing this in this very moment feels like, its in vein. What’s my purpose for even doing this. Writing to you. Publicly at that. I don’t even truly know..but maybe if I just let my fingers move, I’ll eventually find out. 

At 8:09 am I am feeling empty. I feel close to no one. So I bury myself, deep within myself. In hopes of consoling this time instead of berating with detrimental thoughts and words. But most days I wake up feeling defeated. And admittedly, I cry. So much more than people know. I cry alone. So much more than people know. And I feel weak. I feel weak even confessing that. I cry because I’m tired. 

But so are a million other people, so who am I? Who am I to be consoled? So I cry alone. 

I sit in a cycle of nothingness, continuously. 

And I feel tired.

I should be further along in my life. And I sit here watching everyone live theirs. 

I try to live mine. Choosing to switch gears when I find myself in that abyss of envy. Focus on myself more and more. Remembering life is not a competition;  it is to be lived. 

But I sit here everyday feeling like I’m living mine, wrong. Because I, in my late twenties have literally nothing to show for it. Nothing to really be proud of.

So again...I cry alone. 

And hope for help.  

Your help. Your guidance and protection. 

I plan to pray for myself as much as I pray for others. Because for as long as I can remember...others mattered more than me...to me.

But I matter too.

I do.