“Alright, what’s going on?” Sidurgu asked, closing the door to his room behind them. 

Z’rhiki spared him a glance and a brief quirk of her lips as she moved past him deeper into the room. She slumped onto the edge of his unmade bed. “That obvious, huh?” 

“Yes.” It really was. She couldn’t have believed she was hiding it well. It looked like she hadn’t slept in days – dark circles ringing her eyes and her skin an unusual pallor. Her hair was always tousled and choppy, but tonight it looked actually unkempt, perhaps from being blown about in the cold Coerthan wind. She hadn’t reached up to fix it, though. In fact, he noticed, she was hardly moving at all. It was strange to see her awake but almost entirely still; she was usually so animated that he had stopped noticing her constant flurry of movement until it was suddenly absent.  

“For a start,” he continued when she didn’t respond, “It’s the middle of the night.” 

She smiled weakly down at her hands. “Sorry,” She muttered quietly. “I figured you would still be up.” 

He shook his head. “It’s fine.” She had been right – he kept odd hours, though less-so now the he had Rielle to look after. Having been kept underground for so long, with no way of knowing whether it was day or night, had taken its toll on her internal clock, too, but over time her schedule had begun to even out, which he thought was probably a good thing. Still, it was out of the ordinary for her to appear so late, after Rielle had already gone to bed. She hadn’t seemed in the mood for a drink or small talk, either. 

“You look terrible,” He pointed out. 

“Thanks.” Her voice dripped with sarcasm. 

“You know that’s not what I meant,” Had the mood been different, he might have been willing to indulge her with some of their usual back-and-forth, but tonight seemed… different. 

The room fell silent, save for the whistling of wind through the poorly sealed window panes. 

“So…?” He started when she didn’t offer any further explanation, trailing off in the vain hope that she would continue his sentence. It was unnerving to see her this quiet, too. He’d seen her like this before, but only once or twice. It must have been bad.  

He leaned back against the table across from his bed, absently brushing some of the bottles out of his way, and looked at her expectantly. 

She shook her head back at him, though she was still examining the cracked plaster at the base of the opposite wall. “Don’t worry. It’s nothing. I’m fine.” That clearly wasn’t true. “I don’t really want to talk about it.” 

Sidurgu sighed. “Alright,” – he certainly wasn’t in a position to demand she open up about her feelings  – “Then... what do you want me to do?” Did she want to drink? Have sex? What? ‘Why is she here…?’ 

Another headshake. “Nothing, nothing…” Finally, she raised her eyes to look at him. “It’s just… good to see you, is all.” 

He blinked. He hadn’t been expecting to hear that.  

“That bad, was it?” He huffed. 

“Don’t say that,” she responded in a low voice, looking away again. 

It was true, but he didn’t intend to press the issue tonight, if he ever intended to press it at all. The pattern hadn’t been lost on him, though. This was where she always came when things had been bad. And the worse they had been, the more likely she was to turn up at the Forgotten Knight. Usually, she was able to keep it together while Rielle was around, appearing her normal chatty, sunshine-y self. After Rielle went to bed, however… 

He wasn’t sure if her late arrival tonight had been intentional or just happenstance. 

He pushed himself off the table and came to settle next to her with a sigh. To his surprise, she almost instantly leaned into him, resting her cheek against his bicep and making him glad that he had let Rielle talk him into wearing “normal” clothes once in a while. Rhiki was always the touch-y type, but she didn’t usually get so… cuddly unless she’d been drinking. 

He didn’t move, just let her press against him. He waited. Either she would say something, or they would just sit in silence like this all night. He could live with that – it wouldn’t be the first long, snowy night he’d spent awake, after all.  

They sat quietly for a time, listening to the wind and the creaking of the old wooden sign above the tavern door outside. The sparse candles that lit the room flickered. 

Eventually, she did speak again, quietly but clearly. 

“I just came from Werlyt.” 

“Werlyt?” He’d heard of the place, but had only vague knowledge of it. He knew it was the territory that lay between Garlemald and Ala Mhigo, and that it had been occupied by the Empire, but little beyond that. 

He felt her nod against him. For a handful of seconds, he thought she’d lapsed into silence again, but it seemed she had just been gathering her thoughts. 

“Do you ever think about… what it would be like if you’d never come to Ishgard?” 

He snorted. Even he could hear the bitterness in his voice when he said, “I haven’t bothered thinking about that in years.” There was no point in dwelling on what might have been. Not when he had his hands full contending with what was. 

“That’s what I thought you’d say,” was all she said in response. 

He considered leaving it at that, but his curiosity got the better of him. “What makes you ask that?” 

This time he felt another headshake. “Nothing, I just…” Her voice cracked. “It was really bad, Sid.”  

He’d been able to figure that much out on his own. 

She was trembling now, ever so slightly, though her breathing was unnaturally even – trying to keep herself calm, he supposed. Awkwardly, he shifted their position so that the arm that she had been leaning against was instead wrapped around her. 

“Tell me,” he said softly. It was the least he could do for her. Hells, it was the only thing he could do for her.  

Another wordless moment stretched between them, and he began to think she wasn’t going to. Sometimes, especially lately, she didn’t want to. He remembered the words she had said the first night he’d seen her after her return from the First. 

“I have to live the rest of my life with all of these horrible pictures in my head. I don’t want you to have to live with them too.”  

He had enough of his own already. 

Then again, it wasn’t like he could get much more damaged, so to hells with it. What was the saying? ‘Pain shared is pain halved’ or some such bullocks? That certainly wasn’t true, but at least pain shared was… well, shared. 

Rhiki seemed content with the new arrangement of their bodies and rested her head against his chest so he could see only half of her face when he looked down. 

“There were these siblings,” she said after a while. 

“They were from Werlyt – orphans, I think. Only two of them were actually related. Their parents were probably killed in the Garlean invasion. But they were taken in by Gaius van Baelsar, of all people, and I guess they enlisted in the Imperial Army before he defected…. 

“Anyway, they got involved in this project the Garlean military was working on to create warmachina like the Ultima Weapon. That’s why I was called there – to help stop a Garlean war machine headed towards Eorzea. We met them, for a few minutes, right before the first machine appeared, and they traded some heated words with Gaius. The youngest one couldn’t have been older than 16….”  

She had managed to keep her composure so far, and even lifted her head from him a little as she spoke. Clearly, though, she hadn’t begun to broach the part that had shaken her. 

“After that, the Ruby Weapon – that was what they called it – showed up. We couldn’t just let it march all the way through to Ala Mhigo, of course, so we tried to stop it. Everything was going pretty well, but then it all got… got weird. Suddenly there was this yelling, screaming, from inside of the machine and then the top of it started to crack. Then there was this horrible, wet sound and something exploded out of it. It-It looked like Nael Van Darnus, or at least some twisted version of him- her? But it had wings. It was all white and slick and dripping this awful-smelling fluid everywhere… just thinking about it makes me want to vomit.” 

She shuddered, then sucked in a deep breath. 

“And if fought like Nael too – don’t ask me how I know. But we managed to take it down, somehow. And that’s… that’s when we learned the worst part. They were trying to get to the pilot, maybe salvage some parts and figure out what the Garleans were up to with it if they could, but,” She was shaking again, her voice becoming hoarse and pitchy, and she buried her face back into his shirt. “There was nothing we could do! The pilot, one of the siblings, she… she was fused into the machine. Cid – Cid Garland, I mean – said it must have been an agonizing way to die. I heard the screaming but I- I didn’t know what was happening!” 

By that point he could see tears starting to slide down her cheeks. His grip around her tightened in a way he hoped was comforting. He never knew what to do or what to say when she cried. So he usually didn’t do or say anything at all, which, somehow, seemed to be just the thing she wanted. 

“And it wasn’t an accident! I was designed to do that! All so that- so that they could hijack the poor pilot’s brain and upload combat data of famous Garlean soldiers! It was awful! And Gaius – Gaius has done horrible things to thousands of people but- but no one deserves to have something like that happen to someone they care about, not even him!” 

Sid grimaced. He didn’t know if it was the words themselves or the way they made his friend tremble and sob against him, but they hung like a heavy weight on his stomach.  

“And it kept happening!” She continued, unable to stop the words once they had started flowing. “And I couldn’t do anything to stop it! I knew what was happening but I- I couldn’t just let them kill people! They all died horrific, excruciating deaths! And for what?” One of her hands had found purchase on his shirt and twisted in it. 

“As if that wasn’t awful enough, the- the few times I actually saw them I got visions, through the Echo, of things that happened back within their legion and… the Garleans, the legatus, they treated them like they were garbage! Like they weren’t even people! I guess to them they weren’t! And I- It was just- I guess I had always known what the world was like but I… how can people be so cruel to each other? The sineaters on the First were terrible in their own way, but they were just monsters! They didn’t have any thoughts, or feelings – they just existed to consume and corrupt. But these were people! And it’s so much worse knowing that regular people can be that monstrous! How can anyone get any joy out of something so- so horrible? The Garleans call us savages, but that… that was just barbaric. And I can’t help but think of everyone I know, all of my friends, who are from places that Garlemald invaded – you, Naago, Yugiri, Raubahn, Lyse… and how if just a few things had been different one of you could have ended up in the same place, and how I can’t stand to think of anyone treating you the way those poor people – kids! – were treated!“ 

She broke off for a short while, muffling her sobs into his chest while he looked down at her helplessly. After a few slow, trembling breaths, she composed herself enough to go on, quieter this time. 

“I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop dreaming about it. Sometimes it’s just like living through it all over again, but sometimes when we open the machine it’s not one of them…. Sometimes it’s Yugiri. Sometimes it’s Naago. But a lot of times it’s also you, too, and I-“ She broke off, pulling away just enough to wipe furiously at her eyes with the back of her hand. “And I know that’s stupid! And that there’s no reason to think about it! But I can’t- I just-“ 

A few more deep breaths. Sidurgu wasn’t sure what to think about… any of it, really. It did seem like a strange mental leap to make, and he was a little surprised she found it so distressing, especially on his account. Regardless, it was clear how much it had upset her, and he couldn’t fault her for that. 

“And I- I don’t mean to say that what happened to you and your family here was any better – it wasn’t! And it would be terrible of me to act like it was but…” She wrapped both of her arms around his waist having to pull herself almost into his lap to do so. Her head came to rest against his chest again. “I’m just glad that you’re here, where I can come see you and talk to you and give you a hug, rather trapped in one of those-those machines.” 

He exhaled, eventually wrapping both of his arms around her as well. The gesture seemed to calm her a bit, and they sat like that for a few minutes, feeling the warmth of one another and the rise and fall of each other’s chests. 

Eventually, Rhiki started to peel herself back from him. “I’m sorry,” she sniffled, rubbing at her red eyes again, this time with the heel of her hand. “I’m sorry. That was a lot. I didn’t mean to just dump all of that on y-“ 

“It’s fine.” He cut her off. He had never been very good at sounding soothing, but he did his best. “I’m here. I’m fine.”  

That wasn’t true, of course. Neither of them were fine, or they wouldn’t be where they were. But he was sure she understood his meaning. He wasn’t fine, but he was at least at a typical level of un-fine.   

“I know.” She offered him a trepidatious smile, her face still damp from tears. “I just needed to remind myself.” 

She pulled him into another, fiercer hug, and he huffed in a familiar display of feigned annoyance. He took a moment to enjoy the embrace nonetheless, and reached one hand up to scratch lightly at the base of her scalp. 

“It’s late. Do you want to stay the night?” He knew how she would answer even before he felt the nod. 

“Are you going to let go of me?” 

“No,” she mumbled into his shirt.