#wolk

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looking for: validation, comfort, information and community/others who have experienced similar

Hello, It's Wolk. I had an EMDR appointment today and it has left me with some questions. This place feels like a safe place to ask for possible answers. As well as to share my story with someone who I think will not judge me.

Let's start of by stating that my abuser was schizophrenic and muslim. He had a lot of hallucinations as well as delusions. Let's just say his reality was a different experience than that of most people. I was very vulnerable and also experiencing psychotic symptoms. He shared his beliefs with me and sort of 'indoctrinated' me to believe a lot of supernatural things as well as his religious beliefs. Over a long period of time where a lot of grooming happened I also believed in a lot of his reality. I'll spare the details but it involves a lot of demons and judgement from God. I'm queer myself and he also instilled a deep fear in me because my existence was a sin and I could not be forgiven by God. He went as far as to say my existence was worse than murder or rape. (hence why he probably felt no guilt doing the latter to me as well)

The traumatic memory I worked on in therapy today involves a particularly bad sequence of events. Where first SA takes place but then afterwards after I've tried escaping him, suddenly he goes into what I now believe to be a psychotic episode. I will describe it as how I perceived it at the time. He went into a sort of trance like state where his facial expression and tone of voice changed. He started to talk as if he was multiple people in one body. They were telling me that they were demons who had possessed him. They then told me they were inside my body to try and posses me as well but that they had failed. Then also followed up with a lot of threats on how they would follow me for eternity and that eventually as I got older I would end up the same as my abuser. They made sure to say nothing could protect me and no places would be safe to hide from them. Now to me, someone who had just experienced SA and was already in a state of desperation, this terrified me to the point where I felt the most fear I have ever felt in my life. This later ended up saving me because I could not stop physically shaking for days which led outsiders to discover I was being abused as they started prying for answers as to why I behaved that way.

I struggle to give all of these experiences a name. I want to find a sense of community and belonging so that I feel less alone in the type of trauma I experienced. Is there a name for trauma involving supernatural themes? Is it religious abuse if only one person uses religion to hurt you?

(please keep in mind I would prefer if you didn't affirm demons and the supernatural exist as this will greatly distress me. I am also still afraid of God and choose to avoid religion now. I am trying hard to convince myself I was not cursed at the time and that I am not actually being chased by demons. I'm also trying to convince myself I am not sinful for existing as myself. any comfort on either of those is appreciated)

Hi Wolk,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. It sounds like a terrifying experience and I can't imagine how that must've impacted you and your relationship with spirituality.

Religious abuse is abuse under the guise of religion, including harassment or humiliation that may result in psychological trauma, which can be done by only one person. Religious abuse can be a kind of psychological abuse. I think it's also important to note that hyperarousal can make someone more vulnerable to being traumatized in the midst of ongoing psychological abuse. It's ultimately up to you how you'd like to describe your experiences.

If anyone else has any other ideas, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

to the top of the rocks