#wolfsoul

Image of Self...

The lack of stability regarding my self image is probably one of the most confusing parts of my wolf identity. I believe it is one of the few causes for my hesitation on choosing a label for myself.

The image I see reflected back at me in the mirror is not a solid entity. It's an amalgamation of many different ways of experiencing being a wolf - in appearance, emotions, associations, etc. - that I may randomly cycle through without any precognition. While I know that this is all one individual wolf, it is very faceted, much like a cut gemstone.

Sometimes, I am a soft forest wolf, associated with green and brown hues, dirt in my paws, moss and twigs in my fur. A feral animal with the feeling on freedom and the comfort of home in the wild. Sometimes, I am a vicious beast. Edgy, filled with the nostalgic energy of my emo years. Bloodthirsty and crazy with the idea that I am snapping jaws, growling, barking, thrashing in a cage of angst. There are times when I am a sophisticated bipedal wolf, wearing a suit and reading a book. The human and wolf parts of me meshing into a perfect depiction of a dappermouth painting. Other times, I am not a wolf at all and merely a human with the resounding knowledge that the wolf will return.

You threw me to the wolves and I became the Alpha.

To Be A Wolf...

If I were to somehow lose the wolf part of myself, there is nothing else in the world that could make me whole again. The wolf is simply too spiritually intrinsic and integral to who I am as a person. It is profoundly me, so much so that I feel almost incorrect in saying "I am a wolf the way a therian is" because of this notion I have developed that there is some separation between person and theriotype.

Since elementary school, I have collected wolf items, roleplayed as a wolf, listened to their howls to soothe myself, believed in the wolfs sacred spirit, but most of all, I have felt myself be a wolf. There is something within me that is undeniably wolf. I have wolf instincts, urges and behaviors, I feel... and excuse the bad joke... that on all levels, I am a wolf. Compared to the general feeling of being a wolf, and despite experiencing them, shifts aren't very important to me the way they seem to be for therians. If I were given an ultimatum to erase all other aspects of my nonhumanity if only to keep the wolf, I'd do so in a heartbeat.

I feel therianthropy, the way I've seen it portrayed, does not adequately convey the depth of my identity. The way therians describe themselves...

I do not have a subspecies, I do not have a coat color, I don't feel the need to do an extensive amount of research in order to form my identity, I'm just a wolf existing as a human existing as a wolf. I experience species dysphoria the way I experience shifts, the feeling coming and going, ebbing and flowing. And while I am still comfortable with my humanity some of the time, no matter how human I do feel, the wolf is always deeply embedded within me.