He doesn’t get it. I don’t think he ever will get it and I’m fucking terrified of telling him because I’m scared he’ll be like, “dude, you’re fucked up..” And then what am I left with? Nothing. But I feel like he needs to know, I clearly can’t hide it from him. When he doesn’t text me back I freak out and wind up crying on the phone with Alyssa only for him to text me and say he left his phone in the fucking truck. Like duh. And then I feel so fucking stupid and I’m so mad at myself for freaking out over nothing. Any logical person in their right mind would think oh he probably just left his phone in his truck. Not me tho. My thoughts are fucked up and so I assume the worst. But how do you tell someone that? That your head is so fucked up? How will he understand that? How will he understand that I’m still capable of being with him and having a normal relationship with him, I just need him to work with me. I need some reassurance sometimes, is that really a lot to ask? I’m not sure. And tonight he told me I need to stop doing this. Like I know that, I fucking know. I really wish I could but I feel like I don’t control my own mind and so I can’t. I can’t just stop. Its not that easy. Will he ever understand? I don’t know. This isn’t something that you text someone or say over the phone either. I want to sit down with him and explain to him how I feel but I can’t, because I’m thousands of miles away. I would give anything to be home, so we could talk, face to face, so I could try to explain my mind to some guy who has no idea just how fucked up it is. He’ll probably leave me, I have good instincts. My instincts almost scare me l’m always fucking right. It’s sad really, he’s my dream guy. But I don’t think he’ll understand. I hope by Christmas when I get to tell him that he’ll have fallen in love with me, and then it will be worth it to stick around, despite my crazy thoughts. But with the way things are going and because I can’t keep my fucking trap shut, I don’t know if we’ll make it to Christmas. That makes me cry.