#wisdomdeath

...but then I encountered a couple of books with the same style namely Studio Studio's The Mystery of Valehollow and Follow Your Heart's Your Best Friend's Boyfriend by J.E. Bright.

Those books inspired me and showed me that what I had in mind is possible.

As I am not really a popular writer, even here in Wattpad, I ended up hesitating when it comes to posting it online. I did not know how to work around it if I had to post it. Trying seems to be so much hard work that I thought it was unattainable.

I tried to write the first part back in 2017 and successfully made the first draft of the starting point. I asked a dear friend of mine to be my beta reader just so I know if it's doing well. She acted as my initial editor as well.

That initial draft went through so much as I also sunk into depression early 2018 and fluctuated over the year's course, which affected the quality of the story.

I took a break and completely stopped working on the book. Early 2019, things got worse for me due to certain issues and I thought it would be impossible to launch it.

Then something good happened. I stepped into a new world that made me feel alive despite the exhausting hours and draining tasks.

I was able to go back and revise what had to be and continue what was not written.

[September 05, 2019]

I finally signed the writing agreement for the book and I am ready to have this story published.

It would take a whole podcast for me to tell the tale of how I lost two jobs, both that I enjoyed doing but for semi-valid reasons, I lost them both. One lasted for five or six months, the other for two. 

I know that sounds like I am simply defending myself and I must have done something entirely stupid or wrong for me to lose those jobs. I’ll make it quick. I’ll try. 

The first one was a ghostwriting job. It took a while to get used to it since I had to compromise my personal writing style to fit what was needed for the projects. Later on, my editors and I were having a good time and we were able to finish a couple of books. But then this new editor arrives and for some reason, work didn’t seem fun at all. She had all these instructions but considering that she had a more strict outline than my other editors, it seemed easier since I just had to follow everything to a T (unlike my other editors who were more loose and so I had to improvise most of the time). Our project was a paranormal romance book and with that being my main genre, I thought it would be easier. I did my best to build the mood and the atmosphere only for my editor to tell me that it wasn’t doing good. I changed it again to fit her tone more but she was still unsatisfied. It was always a push-and-pull. I would make it sound paranormal, she wanted to make it more Disney. I would make it Disney, she would tell me it didn’t sound eerie. By that time, I was still working on a second book with a different editor and we were doing well so she was like my breath of fresh air. So I was surprised when the project head messaged me one day that they were already terminating my contract and that I no longer have a job the next day. Yep. THE NEXT DAY. Imagine my frustration. I asked if I could be transferred to a different project instead but they had decided. 

What next? 

I fell on a slump for months! I got rejections, one after the other. I was losing hope and for someone who has been overworked for the past years, I wasn’t used to not being overworked. The free time was not helping my mental state at the time because I felt useless. I only felt useful when I had a job. So I spiraled for the most parts of 2021. 

Towards the end, around October...I was hired. 

This time as a Proofreader for an online novel app, that I shall not name. But if you’re a friend of mine, you probably know what I’m talking about. Anyway, things were good until January 2022 kicked in. During the first or second week, my mom and my aunt (who was living with us at the time) got sick. What we didn’t know was they were most likely positive with the virus. But the test kits haven’t arrived and so we just tended to them as positive patients, and that meant having to step up and do some chores. So I did ask for a leave because I couldn’t work while trying to be more present in the house. The next week, when the kits have arrived, my mom and my aunt tested negative while I tested positive. I only had mild symptoms, mainly just cough. I was willing to work despite the virus but my boss didn’t allow me to...which made this all the more surprising. She messaged me one day that when I return, I will be demoted to a part-time position until I prove myself worthy to go back as a full-time Proofreader. 

Once again, I had no job. 

It had been a few months and honestly, it had been tiring. Sending in applications. Getting interviews. Getting rejected. Losing spirit. Breathing. Repeat. 

I have a lot of projects that deserve my time right now but let’s be practical, I still need a job that has a stable income. It’s not like I’ll just be okay being unemployed. That’s not me. 

I’m not stopping. I’m still sending in applications while I finish my projects. 

But tonight, I am ranting because I’m in a bad depressive episode and I just want to let it all out before I actually sleep. 

Yes, I sleep now...

Because it’s a temporary escape from all the frustrations and disappointments. 

It’s a healthier escape rather than going back to bad habits.

The thing about this work from home set-up is that it blurs the boundaries of work life and house life. It could be exhausting, draining even, to try to balance both areas of my life. And thing is, work and home are just two areas of my life. There are more.

Being the person that I am, I picked up quite a few hobbies and a lot of interests. There are times when I want to work on my personal stories and sometimes, I enjoy writing fan fiction. If I am on a writing slump, game night or movie night with friends is the way to go. But these things have surprisingly become more of a luxury than a natural part of my life. I mean, let’s look at it this way...

Before this godforsaken pandemic, we can just freely hangout with friends or go out to just unwind. It was easier to escape but now, there’s nowhere to run. And it gets suffocating to just have this endless loop of work, house chores, passion projects. As much as I enjoy them individually, having no space to actually laze around and do literally nothing...it feels almost as if I am a robot who can’t pause. 

And after a long week, I just end up scrolling through Shopee and checking out an item or two in order to cheer myself up...somehow. 

I know, I know. I can just save it up and stop buying so much. The thing is, I don’t really buy a lot. I budget my month’s pay and treat myself something and the rest goes to passion projects and house bills. So, when a week is too stressful for me, I’d buy a new lipstick (Hello, lipstick collection) or treat myself with a favorite snack or some drinks. 

No worries, after buying all that, I sometimes regret treating myself but that’s just my way of somehow “making myself feel better” and I think I deserve that. Food, makeup, merch, and books are my vices. I’m allowed to have that, right?

Anyway, I guess all I want to say is don’t deprive yourself too much. Treat yourself every now and then. Get yourself something that makes you happy to relieve that weight on your shoulder. 

Let’s take care of ourselves, yeah?

Okay, enough of my ramblings before I decide to change the title into “Ramblings of a Sleepless Caffeineaholic”.

Why I started this or what I want to do with this segment is something even I don’t know. I guess I just thought that this is a good idea but I’m not even sure at this point.

At this part, it’s 4AM sharp and I’m singing to The 1975 because my friend who is still on video call with me has fallen asleep and I still have a 1-hour video to scan and time-code before the sun rises, or else I’m toast and I’ll probably be reprimanded once again. Sounds non-scary? What more if you actually know what I do for a living and what my schedule has been like since this work from home shit started? I would go in full detail but you’ll doze off and I’ll be pissed. That’s a lose-lose situation. (Unless you’re here to fall asleep, in that case I would be doing you a favor.)

Why am I writing this rather than working? Here’s the thing. I’ve been working since the morning of August 27 and in between I still have chores to do (which is okay so do your chores, kids) and it’s literally the next day and here I am...still working. I think it’s only fair for me to take a moment and type this non-creative and completely useless piece of...what is this even?

I’m pretty sure that my workmates aren’t all asleep yet but I don’t think it would be cool to bother them. What I’m sure of is that I’ll send them the link to this first entry and hope that they would read until the end of it even if it’s no longer making sense.

Sleep has been lacking lately even if I had a decent amount of rest Wednesday night ONLY because I took my anti-allergy meds and it knocked me out better than any sleeping pills probably could. I mean, I seriously plopped on my bed and I wasn’t even able to say “good night” to my friends. I was just ZzZzZz.

There’s not much rant as there is with the rambling. For now.

I’m still trying to think of my limits for this but I’m pretty sure that it will be intense at some point because my life really isn’t some temple that gives zen but rather a series of anxiety attacks, depressive episodes, uncontrolled anger, retail therapy, sleepless caffeinated nights, and a podcast waiting to happen.

Until next time, I guess?

Logging off,