#winter solider edit

You’d met Bucky when he was running away, you remember him almost killing you as he kicked your body through a glass window in Berlin while you landed a couple of floors down. It hadn’t been pretty, but you didn’t blame him since both of you had somehow similar backgrounds -if similar backgrounds meant being tortured by Hydra and given some kind of super-soldier serum while mind controlling you-.

Obviously, his experience was much worse.

After that first meeting, when Steve finally brought him to the compound when he had been ‘fixed’ in Wakanda, he wouldn’t even look into your eyes. He would try to avoid you -or anyone by that point- and you understood, he was ashamed of what he had done and you got it, you weren’t proud either of your missions after the Red Room or Hydra. It took him a couple of months to warm up and then one night you found him in the training area.

It was late and right after a mission; it was usual for you to have trouble sleeping after some missions so you would walk around through the compound finding things that could be able to get your head out of it. And then you saw him, no shirt and with some shorts as he punched one of the boxing bags. You were thankful you had fixed it and reinforced it to withstand Steve’s or Bucky’s hits but you were sure he was about to break it again.

“Can’t sleep?” was the very first thing you had said to him, he turned to you breathing harshly, and nodded.

You talked for hours and even stole one of Tony’s bottles that he had saved in a secret spot on the training room, you were somehow Tony’s favorite so you knew his best hiding spots. And so, you drank and talked until morning when Vision went to the training area through the wall and saw you together laying down on the patted floor; he alerted you that you had been talking all night.

And after that something shifted in your relationship.

You weren’t sure if it had been the alcohol or just the fact that those steel-blue eyes looked filled with so much compassion and understanding that they compelled you to tell him everything. You had told him about the red room and your deepest fears of not being able to erase what you had done in your past life, how sometimes you couldn’t sleep because of the nightmares that you had, how you sometimes had to shower multiple times in order to remove the memories from your body; how sometimes you didn’t know if Natasha and Tony had been wrong about choosing you.

And it came somehow as a surprise to you that Bucky could empathize with that. He looked so good after Wakanda, like he had managed to put his past away and all the pain, even to the point that you’d sometimes envied his progress. But he let you know that he couldn’t sleep either and when he could, it wasn’t even on a bed but on the floor. How he had nightmares about his time as the Winter Soldier, and how even Shuri couldn’t wipe those memories from his head. How he had so many saved up anger inside of him because of what he had been through, that sometimes he realized he couldn’t even talk to Steve about it because it still hurt so much and it would make him sound like he was still the Winter Soldier.

You assured him he wasn’t.

From that night, it became something that happened all the time, it just seemed so easy. It seemed like with Bucky you could let down some walls that you had placed. You loved the Avengers, but you felt like they would never truly be able to be yourself after all the damaged you’d done. But Bucky would never judge you after what he had been through, Bucky seemed to get you, he didn’t push, he was just him and he let you be you. You talked about everything through so many nights, even agreed that you might’ve been at the same training center at some point in time when you both were being held by Hydra.

He showed you his scars and you showed him yours.

You saw each other at your best and your worst.

And your bond only became stronger, before you even realized it yourself, Bucky Barnes had become somehow your best friend.

But friends didn’t do what you were doing.

Friends wouldn’t get drunk alone as you had when you realized that you had the compound to yourself. Friends wouldn’t drink and start talking about their dating life as an Avenger and how none existent it was, and laugh as you wonder how it would even work. Friends wouldn’t suggest practicing with each other -even if it was a joke- before going on a date, especially if that friend hadn’t asked a girl out in more than sixty years. Friends wouldn’t dare friends to look them straight in the eyes in the hope that their gaze would fall a moment to their lips while they asked them if they could practice kissing with the other. Friends wouldn’t lean forward and capture their lips.

Friends wouldn’t be igniting a fire on your body by kissing and licking your core as Bucky had been doing while you screamed his name.

Before you knew it, he had his lips over yours and you could taste yourself in his mouth, moaning at the taste as he groaned while he unbuckled his pants.

Maybe it was the jumpstart you’d from the vodka. Maybe it was the way his steel-blue eyes shined when he looked at you. Maybe it was the way that he was kissing your lips and sucking on your neck that was intoxicating. Maybe it was the way he was groaning your name as you took off your bralette and let him see you completely. Maybe it was how you were riding him, with his hands on your hips guiding you and your hands on his chest, marking him as yours.

Maybe it was something that both of you had really wanted for a long time and the bubble had burst that night because of the way he was kissing you, the way he was gazing up at you, the way he was holding you and making you scream his name was something so deep and full of love that you almost could cry.

Before you realized you both came undone with strangled moans, breathing as one as ripples of pleasures surged through your bodies.

It was earthshattering.

Neither of you said anything, you simply laughed.

Bucky kept kissing you, all over your face with small pecks and you’d never seen the super-soldier like this, with that wide smile and soft eyes, as he pulled you closer to him.

“I’ve always wanted to do that,” he whispered as he nudge your nose aside so he could kiss your neck as you sighed contently.

“Are you being serious?” you asked with a smile plastered on your lips.

“You’ve seriously never thought about us kissing each other?” he asked with a smile plastered on his face as he pulled your hair away from your face and kissed your lips again.

“Maybe once or twice,” you lied as Bucky looked up to you and your gazes linked. There was something on that steel blue stare that made your heart beat faster.

You fell asleep to them.

But then, you heard the sound of something falling onto the floor. You barely could open your eyes but you saw the shadow of Bucky collecting his clothes from the floor. You gazed at the window and you could see the sun rising.

“Bucky?”

Bucky stopped dead in his tracks. He turned around slowly as he watched you raising from the bed with a grimace drawn on your face and unfocused gaze as you watched him put his belt on and then try to pick up his shirt and shoes.

Until then it dawned on you; the lack of eye contact, which was so different to the moments that you’d experienced barely hours ago, his icy silence, was enough for you to feel your stomach dropping as he put on his shirt.

He seemed scared.

But then, his eyes finally linked to yours. You weren’t sure how you look, maybe disheveled from your previous activities but it wasn’t until Bucky sighed and climbed to bed to hold your face that you realized you must’ve been on the verge of tears.

“I just… I’m not ready for anything, y/n,” he whispered as he took your face with both of your hands softly. You could feel it, his fear was palpable in his voice.

You knew that he was trying to get away and maybe if it had been just a kiss, you might’ve let it go but now you were too deep into it, you’d never felt something like that. This wasn’t supposed to happen, not at least like this, in your daydreams, it didn’t end with him running away as the sun came up.

You watched his steel blue stare, his spiky hair, and scruff as you tried to hold yourself back from kissing him again or start to full-on cry.

“I’m not asking you that,” you whispered back to him with closed eyes, trying to avoid any emotion that could scare him away. “I just, this doesn’t have to become a thing,” you replied as you tried to somehow reassure it even to yourself and not only Bucky.

Bucky stayed silent for a few beats, you open your eyes to look at him but the way he was looking at you, you couldn’t exactly read it.

“Are you sure?”

You stared at Bucky in silence and as your eyes linked with his, you knew there was no other way out of it.

“Yes,” you lied.

Killing me slow, out the window

I'm always waiting for you to be waiting below

Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes

What doesn't kill me makes me want you more

For your own sake, you would’ve run as fast as you could from the deal you’d made with Bucky as the sun rose while he made you his one more time; but self-preservation wasn’t really one of your strengths and apparently, self-control wasn’t either. A single kiss turned into hundred feverish ones and had ended with you whispering lies to Bucky while he fell into your bed one more time.

That one night turned into nights and nights turned into weeks where you would spend tangled up with Bucky all night, feelings for him burning in your chest as he took you to a place no one had quite really before. He whispered sweet nothings to you under the veil of the night as he kissed you breathless when he was buried inside of you, you knew maybe he was too overwhelmed with the lust of it all but you couldn’t ignore it as you lay beneath him in these moments.

You’re mine, You’re so perfect, Kiss me, Such a good girl, My good girl, I’m yours.

But he would never say anything of the sort when you both came down from your highs.

Nevertheless, it became addictive.

In the best and worst of ways.

It happened again.

In your room.

And again.

During a mission, when Bucky had whispered you looked way too good in that suit.

And again.

In the training room when Bucky finds you training at early hours.

And again.

In the Compound’s kitchen, when Bucky had announced that he would spend the night rather than go back to his place.

And again.

In one of the Conference rooms of Avenger’s tower after a meeting.

And again.

In a Quinjet when Bucky had seen your new training shorts.

Each time riskier than the last.

Each time bringing you closer to a raging fire between both of you, an unrecognizable connection that you knew that you wouldn’t be able to back away if you didn’t stop.

And yet you didn’t.

Instead, it became addictive and with each passing day of training together or spending time together, you would get a glimpse of what it would be like to be something real. You’d expected Bucky to act as neutral as possible, part of you fear that he would put space between you and him but it became the opposite, longing stares and persisting touches that would usually be reserved for the dusk started to happen in broad daylight and sometimes in front of the others.

You tried to ignore how your feelings for Bucky were growing like vines in a jungle after a monsoon, but it seemed impossible to do when you saw how his eyes lighted up when you walked into a room or his little side smirk when Thor would ask you why you were limping when going to a meeting, or how he would play with your hair with his vibranium arm when he was in any proximity to you, he always liked to be closer to you.

There were little things but you knew that he couldn’t reciprocate any feelings, you’d agree that there wouldn’t be any, so as you had been trained from a young age, you hid how you truly felt for him. You tried to bury those feelings as deep as you could, just so you could have Bucky’s hand ghosting over your skin as he whispered sweet nothings into your ear and would make your lips burn when he kissed you.

And you were still somehow glad, you knew that you couldn’t lose Bucky.

Even if it meant building a wall to protect you from the person that you’d never truly wanted to build one for.

And it's new, the shape of your body

It's blue, the feeling I've got

And it's ooh, whoa, oh

It's a cruel summer

It's cool, that's what I tell 'em

No rules in breakable heaven

But ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

With you

“Come on!” Bucky half-whispered/ half-yelled as you threw down a small bag that you’d pack with anything that you believed was necessary and quickly stood at the edge of your window while he waited for you below.

“On it” you scoffed back at him whilst he rolled his eyes. It had been Bucky’s idea to spend the weekend with him in his apartment while Natasha and Steve went on a mission together.

You’d declared earlier that week that you were going away for the weekend and although it seemed weird for some since you were usually the one that spent most of your time in the Compound, other than Vision and Wanda; but nobody paid you any mind; except for Wanda. For some unexplainable reason you had a feeling that she knew something was going on but thankfully she didn’t say anything about it.

Therefore, you thought that you had accomplished your side of the deal. You were off the hook that weekend and it seemed like it would be a good one with Bucky, it seemed to be the first time that you would be really together. There wouldn’t be sneaking around or tiptoeing around the compound after a night of hush grunts and moans that you would spend together. You would be fully able to be yourself around each other for the first time since your …activities had begun.

Nonetheless, it wasn’t as you’d thought it would be.

Bucky didn’t say much to you that day and you tried to brush it off but then he arrived at your window, instead of throwing pebbles on your window as you’d seen in so many movies before, he simply gave you a text, and there he was, with his bike but no boombox with romantic songs or even flowers. He even seemed kind of annoyed when you weren’t jumping as fast as he wanted.

“Are you coming or not?” He growled at you with his hands on his hips as he waited for you and leaned on his bike and you swore you sad red. You didn’t even mind properly jumping so that people wouldn’t hear your landing or so you wouldn’t be too obvious.

You landed, hard, in front of Bucky and glared at him as you’d never had before. “You know what? You can go fuck yourself”, you growled at him with a frown.

Bucky seemed stunned, his eyes widened at your reaction and it seemed like words died on his mouth but you didn’t wait for him to say anything, you snatched your bag from his bike and started to stomp away towards the main entrance of the Compound, your fists clenched furiously.

“Y/N, wait” he stuttered and you could hear his hard steps following you.

But you didn’t. You didn’t want to be a pathetic girl clinging to a guy who clearly didn’t care for her. What hurt you the most was that Bucky wasn’t only a guy you fucked but he had become your partner in everything before that, he was the closest thing you had to a family, he was your best friend and it hurt that he apparently thought of you as a nuisance.

You didn’t want him to see how dangerously close tears were about to fall from your eyes, so you ran to the main entrance and through the compound, Bucky following you closely but not saying a word, not until you reached your room at least.

You were quietly opening the door of your room at the Compound when you felt his scent from behind. You turned with a disgusted scoff as you glared at Bucky.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered slowly as he walked closer to you, making you back up into your room. You felt sick when you saw how he checked the hallway before he closed the door, checking if no one had seen you.

“Why are you sorry?” you asked him, it almost burn your lips how much anger was on a single sentence until then you realized that you were holding your fist so hard that you had decorated your palm with crescent moons.

“I just didn’t want anyone to catch us and, this weekend… I don’t want anything to screw it up,” Bucky breathed, stepping towards you and trying to pull you into his arms, but you flinched at his attempt.

“If you were afraid someone would catch us,” you spoke softly as realization hit you, which only made you feel even angrier, “then you should’ve said something before inviting me,” you hissed.

“No,” Bucky squeezed his eyes shut and groaned, “It’s not that! No!”

You rolled your eyes at him and stepped back, chuckling mostly to yourself about the mix signals he was sending you. It hurt, it hurt that he couldn’t give you a straight answer, it hurt that you felt like he was embarrassed about sleeping with you, was it really that bad?

“Because it clearly seems like you regret this,” you continued as you glared at Bucky who seemed skittish, he seemed like a little boy who felt like he had done something wrong and wasn’t quite sure how to fix it.

“I don’t, but I…”

You felt like someone had whispered those three letters to you, you whipped your head towards him as you tried to see if he had actually said something or if it had been your mind playing games. Bucky stared at you silently, he was saying so much with only one look. You knew his eyes, you knew how his mouth was still open but the words wouldn’t come out, how his mind was spinning trying to avoid any word that seemed close to the ones you longed for.

But he wouldn’t say it and it felt like someone was trying to rip your heart out of your chest.

You turned away from him as you tried to compose yourself, you tried to breathe deeply and almost tried to remind yourself that this wasn’t the deal, feelings had never been on the deal and it had been only your imagination and your feelings trying to make it something that it couldn’t be.

“I’m sorry”, he whispered and until then you realized how close he was to you, almost whispering as he took a stand of your hair and pulled it back. “I’ve never wanted to treat you like that; I was just anxious. Can we try again?”, he pleaded with those steel-blue eyes that felt like a galaxy in front of you, he kissed your cheek asking for forgiveness without saying so, then your hand and then your lips.

You didn’t deny them.

Part of you wished you had said no but you couldn’t disregard how happy you felt when he finally caught you in his arms when you climbed down the window one more time, or how little time it would take for both of you to rip each other clothes off between giggles as you entered his apartment.

That night Bucky showed you he didn’t regret it by kissing you breathless. He turned you against the door and kissed your back as he unzipped your suit. It didn’t take long for you to stumble onto his bed. You melted onto his arms as he worked on you with his vibranium arm, and then you trailed kisses down his body, caressing everything that you could as he shivered in anticipation. You tried to ignore how groundbreaking it felt as flames passed through your body with every one of his thrusts, tried to disregard how he called your name or kissed you as you both came.

That weekend something changed.

You woke up to him preparing breakfast as you wore one of his t-shirts and kept him company. He finally told you about his life in the ’40s and you smiled as he told you stories of his childhood with Steve, how they always would get in trouble and how his mother was the person he admired the most. He showed you photos of him as a child and it filled you with happiness to know that at least one of the two had lived a normal childhood.

As the afternoon came, you sat in silence in the living room, reading your respective books while he caressed your legs and before you knew it, Bucky threw you against the counter of the kitchen as he kissed every square inch of your body. The next day, you watched movies all day, it was a list that you’d prepared for him to watch and it included all your favorite movies that you’d watch when you had first joined the Avengers and Tony wanted to make you feel a bit better.

The weekend ended with both of you dancing in his living room, it was first to loud music as you jumped around and laugh as kids while you moved your body, then it turned into slow songs that Bucky loved from his past as he pulled you closer to him while he swayed both of you from side to side and spin you around, which ended up with you pushing Bucky against a wall as then him kissing him senseless as you almost ripped his clothes off.

And then, after Bucky fell asleep next to you, you realized that you couldn’t avoid your feelings anymore.

Hang your head low

In the glow of the vending machine

I'm not dying

You say that we'll just screw it up in these trying times

We're not trying

So cut the headlights, summer's a knife

I'm always waiting for you just to cut to the bone

Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes

And if I bleed, you'll be the last to know

The light of the screens in the control room of the Hydra base lighted up your face as you tapped away as quickly as you could as you heard grunts coming from outside the door and guys screaming as well as what you were beyond sure were broken bones.

If it had been a normal day like in the past you wouldn’t have been in a state of rush, part of your training in the red room had been to be as calm as you possibly could in any given situation, but now it wasn’t the case. Missions usually went smoothly for you; you were hardly ever thrown off your element and you completed every task you had assigned.

You were as effective as one could ask from a super spy that had been trained for most of her life to be undetectable and with Bucky? There weren’t any questions that the mission wouldn’t go as it had been planned. You both work so well together it was almost scary to Natasha how well you knew each other’s pace and manners, you were always in sync and you’d manage to disarm people together faster than any other combination of Avenger, hence why you were somehow always paired up when it came to missions.

Nonetheless, today wasn’t it.

“So, how much longer are you planning to stay here? Want something to drink while we wait?” Bucky grunted as he finally closed the door and bend a large piece of metal to place on the handles of the door as more Hydra agents approached the small control room. The tint of annoyance in his voice, made you whip your head towards him with a frown.

“It’s not my fucking fault,” you snapped at him as you continue to type as fast as you could. “They updated the Loops that they were using for the code scripts, and if I recall, you don’t even know how to use your computer so can you shut up?”

Bucky stared at you dumbfounded as he tried to reply but you didn’t give him a chance as you focused again on the code you were working on. You didn’t usually snap, you never snapped actually. You knew how to process your feelings and when you were in the red room, snapping could mean the difference between life and death.

But this was different.

First, it had been a while since you two had been on a mission this risky, and most importantly, you hadn’t been in love with Bucky at that time, or at least not in the way that you felt now. Second of all, this time you had gone into it a bit more skittish, a bit more alarmed, a bit more scared about what could happen to Bucky, a bit more distracted than what a super spy could possibly want.

So, when you landed at the Hydra facility and you had to face dozens of agents as you walked through their compound and searched for the control room that contained all the information that you needed, you hadn’t really been on your A-game. You and Bucky had received a couple of hits as you reached the control room and without being aware, as you both tried to enter it, an alarm had gone off that had unfortunately called more agents than what you were expecting. Bucky had stayed behind while you started to work on hacking the system, trying to be as efficient as you possibly could, and had to stop the system from wiping itself before you could collect the information.

And so, there you were.

“It’s done,” you sighed in relief as you typed the last code and the system opened up for you again, without wasting a second you place the USB that Tony gave you and waited for it to charge completely.

“So, today wasn’t great,” Bucky muttered as he walked up to you slowly, a bit of trepidation in his step while you tried to ignore how his scent invaded your space.

You almost let out a laugh.

“You don’t say,” you muttered as you waited for the line in the screen to say 100% so you both could get out of that place. You tried to ignore the screaming from the other side of the door or how loud the punches of the Hydra agents to the door made it move a millimeter each time as they tried to open it. You knew it was a matter of minutes before they got out the next biggest weapon so you wouldn’t be able to escape.

“Why is this so slow?” you growled almost to yourself as you tried typing something to speed it up.

“What? We’ve been in here less than two minutes,” Bucky stated nonchalantly as he laid against a couple of the computers in the control room before crossing his arm across the chest. He seemed so relaxed and not worried about how you were losing precious time.

You whipped your head towards him and glared at him, Bucky simply rolled his eyes and chuckled to himself.

“I’ll remind you to taunt Stark about the quality of his tech,” he muttered while he bit his lip and his eyes gleamed as they linked with yours. You could feel as if someone had laid you in the sun and all the daylight was warming your body, that’s what it felt when Bucky smiled at you with those loving eyes.

“Thanks,” you whispered at him with a smile but your thoughts were interrupted by the bell of the control system. The 100% light up the screen and before Bucky could say anything you had removed the USB and saved it on one of the pockets of your vest. “We’re done Steve, can Sam pick us up on the rooftop in two minutes?” you asked as you pressed the earpiece on your right ear.

“Left quadrant of the building, we’re climbing out of the window,” Bucky added as the two of you walked towards the large windows.

“On it” you both heard Steve and Sam announce on your ear and both of you nodded before you took out your guns and started to shoot at the windows, making them crackdown and giving you space you needed to climb to the roof easily.

You were going first but before you could walk towards it, Bucky grabbed your forearm and pulled you in, you weren’t sure how fast it happened but as soon as you turned around your lips were attacked by Bucky’s and a gasp left your lips as he pulled you against him with his strong arms grasping your body. The kiss was soft and purposeful, it tasted like honey as your lips moved in sync with Buckys. You felt a bit embarrassed about how your heart was beating so fast at that moment and how you were sure that Bucky could hear it too. But then you remember, remember how this wasn’t part of the plan, your kisses weren’t supposed to be sweet or soft as this was, it was supposed to be fire and lust and anywhere but there.

You felt your whole body stiffen and you pulled away immediately, breathing heavily as you walked away without giving Bucky’s blue steel eyes a second. You tried to compose yourself as you breathed deeply, trying to calm your heart rate down as well as your body that was buzzing with anticipation because of Bucky’s action.

“What was that?” Bucky asked quietly as he removed the earpiece, trying to avoid either Steve or Sam catching your conversation.

You cursed mentally as you turned around to Bucky with a puzzled expression on your face. “What do you mean?” you asked quietly as you took a harness out that you usually used to climb through places and quickly connected it to the upper part of the ceiling so you could rapidly go out.

But you could see Bucky’s cold expression and it made you swallow hard as you tried not to look at him directly into his eyes.

“Don’t play dumb, y/n” he stated coldly as you frown at the dumb part, your gazes linked up and you could see how his eyes were crossed with exasperation, how his stand was colder than usual, and how there was a hint of hurt in his eyes that you’d seen before, it seemed like he had a fresh wound that could get worse by the slightest thing and you remember how he told you he decided to keep himself away because he was afraid of losing control again. Did he believe that you were scared of him?

Part of you wanted to throw yourself to him and tell him that there’s nothing wrong, there’s nothing wrong with him, that you were hurting too because it was so painful to love him. How you had shown him your scars before and that it felt like they were bleeding again because of how much it pained you that you had to hide how you felt. How it felt that he was keeping you a secret, while you were keeping him like an oath and that it made you feel like you were stupid because he would never call it love.

But you couldn’t because at that moment all hell broke loose.

If you had been paying attention, you would’ve been able to hear the loud thud of a new machine that the Hydra Agents were putting in the corridor outside of the small control room. If you hadn’t been distracted by how to react to Bucky instead of the mission, you would’ve heard the beeping and the voices of the Hydra men saying to back off once it reached its capacity and to wait to see if you had even survived.

But neither Bucky nor you heard it.

You were thankful that you had managed to place your harness correctly because otherwise, you would’ve fallen to your death. Instead, you’d been blown up right from the building as the explosion destroyed the room, the right side of your body hit part of the wall, hard, before you were flying through the window and almost falling down a precipice below the building. You were thrown like a rag doll, enough for your neck to hurt from the whiplash as you have pulled back to the side of the building thanks to the rope.

You slipped and came back from darkness; your vision foggy and white spots dancing on your eyes while you could hear muffled sounds coming from above you, maybe even an alarm, but you weren’t sure if it was just another effect of the explosion on your hearing. The wind from the mountain where the Hydra base was ruffling your hair and you started to cough thanks to the smoke of the explosion that was escaping the window and the way your body had been hit. You were beyond sure that if you hadn’t broken your right arm, you had definitely sprained it or dislocated it. It took you a second or two to finally register that Bucky was still inside and the panic settled on your chest.

Before you realized it, you quickly checked if the USB was still on your vest and then you were rapidly climbing the rope to get Bucky. You were thankful that Bucky was the only thing on your mind, that panic was flooding your veins with adrenaline and it was clearly preventing you to feel the actual pain of your injuries because it felt like your whole body was burning up. You climbed so fast that the smoke hadn’t completely dissipated from the room, as you started to look for Bucky.

Nonetheless, the room was dark, the smoke was burning your eyes and your nose, breathing wasn’t easy but you knew you wouldn’t leave without looking for him. You started to hear the voices of the Hydra agents outside, listening to the instructions of others and you quickly dropped to your knees hoping to avoid the majority of the smoke, you started to drag yourself through the floor looking for him.

It took a minute to finally find him.

“BUCKY!?” you whispered, unable to keep the words to yourself as you got closer to him but he didn’t answer.

The panic now settled on your bones as you finally moved Bucky’s body, he was unconscious and before you could even notice, you touched his vibranium arm, and electricity passed through your body. You hissed as you pull your hand away from it and you looked to the side to see that he had hit one of the bases electricity boxes and you realized why he was knocked out cold; Bucky could withstand almost anything that was thrown in his way, but thanks to the mind-controlling process he went through with Hydra, electricity seemed to have a stronger effect on him.

You quickly took his face with your hands and checked if he was still breathing, he seemed okay but his body was still shuddering slightly because of the electric shock, you knew that if he had hit it too hard and depending on the voltage of the electricity box, he could really be hurt. You quickly took the neck of his jacket a bit down to see the extent of the electric shock and you felt like vomiting when you could see his veins colored purple on his neck and you started to hyperventilate because you couldn’t even imagine how his back looked.

“y/n? y/n! What happened?” you finally heard Sam’s voice on your earpiece and you felt like you could more or less breathe again.

“Sam, it was…I don’t know a bomb? Come inside, I can’t carry Bucky. He’s knocked out, Sam,” you said shakily and until then you realized that you were actually crying as you held Bucky’s body close to you, praying that Sam was faster than the Hydra soldiers. “Sam, please he’s really hurt”

“On my way,” Sam stated solemnly and you knew he was concerned, you knew he wouldn’t take long but you could already hear the steps of the Hydra agents coming into the room. You quickly turned to Bucky and gave him a peck on the lips before breathing deeply and pulling yourself together, it was for real this time, you wouldn’t let anything happen to Bucky.

Without any other thought, you raised yourself and pulled Bucky closer to the window for when Sam would arrive. Once you laid him against the wall, you quickly pulled your hair away from your face and breathed deeply knowing what was coming next. You had to bite your inner cheek as you pushed back your right shoulder to its right place without letting out a word, you could taste the blood on your mouth as you finally took a breath and started to move your shoulder. Then, you quickly pulled your electric beads and your taser gloves, since your gun wasn’t really your style. it didn’t take long for you to hide in the shadows, always keeping an eye on Bucky as you felt the Hydra agents getting closer and closer with rifles looking for you.

Swiftly, you launched yourself into the air and quickly kicked the gun out of his hand, while you pulled him by his neck and crushed his face against your knee, knocking him out completely. You laid him carefully on the floor, you tried to be as quiet as you possibly could, taking into an advantage that the smoke was still too deep for them to see you if you acted quickly. You took the next one you saw, you ran towards him and grabbed one arm around his neck, using the force of your walk to disorient him and then kicking his legs for him to fall on the floor while landing on your knees, then kicked him in the face for good measure.

And you kept going, one by one. It almost felt like it was a trance and you could’ve sworn it felt like hours, you had dealt with more than fifteen at that point. You slid through the floor a couple of electric beads, electrifying almost five of the men who were chasing you. But as you kept going, the smoke was clearing up and leaving Bucky in plain sight, and also you. You quickly tried to walk back to Bucky’s as you kicked and punched every guard on your way, you slide on the floor making them fall, wrap your legs around their neck while twisting a bit too hard for them to fall unconscious, twisting arms and crashing their heads against the computers on the room.

But you weren’t fast enough, and by the time you looked behind you, you felt sick.

Bucky was awake, weak, but he wasn’t alone. Bucky was fighting as well, hand-to-hand combat with none other than Baron Strucker. The intelligence on the base had told you that Strucker wasn’t there, you were sure about it and it dawned on you why Sam might’ve been taken a little bit more of time, it had been an ambush. You quickly finished the guy that you had on a chokehold and when you turned around, you felt like vomiting.

Strucker held Bucky up with one hand over the edge of the window, smiling maniacally as Bucky tried to get his hold of him but he wasn’t able. Strucker had taken a replica of the serum but it only drove him madder than what he already was and Bucky wasn’t in shape, and you simply couldn’t allow anything to happen to him. Throwing caution out the window, you dropped everything as you ran towards them. You dodge bullets, falling debris hits from the agents that were trying to hold you back but you needed to reach him.

“STOP!” you screamed, it ripped through your chest as you almost caught up to them when he was about to let go of Bucky that now looked purple.

Strucker turned towards you with a twisted smile, you launched yourself towards him, without checking for anything, without realizing that this had been his plan all along, without knowing that he was ready for you. He quickly let go of Bucky, who fell just at the edge of the window as he took a deep breath and coughed as he tried to breathe, but then Strucker turned towards you and as you fell over him, he sunk down the knife he had on his other hand.

You didn’t scream, you didn’t say anything as you fell over with him on the floor. You’d been hurt a million times before, knives weren’t usually such a big deal but as soon as it tore your skin, and then your insides; you felt it, the feeling of burn all through your veins, moving through your body and you knew it would be soon until it reached your heart. There was poison, and it was expanding from that deep tear through your whole body.

You looked at Strucker, who was still holding the knife to your torso while his eyes looked like they were going to come off from his socket as he realized that you hadn’t screamed, that you weren’t recoiling on the floor from the pain, and that you weren’t dead just yet.

So, just because he felt like it, he twisted the knife further on your stomach, and he laughed -hard-, you felt your body trembling as you heard it ricochet through the room but you knew what to do. You quickly placed the five beads of electricity you had left on his mouth; he didn’t manage to react sooner as he choked on them while he tried to get you off of him by piercing you further with the knife but you tried not to flinch, you held his mouth shut and activated them.

You’d tazed people before, honestly, it was one of your favorite weapons because you knew how much you could control it and it felt like your hands weren’t stained by blood. Nonetheless, you’d never been this close to someone who was getting electrified, you watched as Strucker turned red as the seconds passed, how his body started tensing up and soon the movements turned into convulsions, and then you realized how the electricity was passing from his body to yours, especially by the knife. You tried holding longer but the pain was too much, you fell next to him but the knife didn’t go with you.

Instead, you had a gaping hole on your stomach that was bleeding profusely.

You tried to stand up but your body seemed like it wasn’t listening to you anymore, you only reached your knees and you pulled your hands from your stomach to see the wound and you felt the panic trickling into the back of your mind as you saw how much blood there was, you believed it was also the poison and you weren’t sure how fast you would last.

You started to shake, tears falling down your face as you felt as if life was being drained from you. You suddenly started to feel so cold that you wanted nothing more than to curl up down and fall asleep there, exhaustion was washing your body.

But before you closed your eyes you saw him, Bucky falling to his knees in front of you as he held your face carefully. He was crying, you’d never seen him cry, his steel-blue eyes were filled with horror as he looked down at your hands and then at the pool of blood that was dripping on your knees.

“Y-Y/N,” Bucky whispered, as he looked at you with dread and you knew that this wasn’t like any other time you had gotten hurt.

“I’m not leaving you,” he said as he pulled you into his arms and carried you “I’m right here, I’m right here”

That was the last thing you remembered.

…

It was dark when you woke up and considering the metal ceiling and the beeping all around you, as well as your IV, you knew you were in the medical wing of the compound. You weren’t sure how long you were out, but you figured it had been weeks because of how your muscles ached from the lack of movement, at least you weren’t in pain, you thought. Your body didn’t feel like it was going to burn from the inside out anymore.

You tried raising yourself from the bed with a long groan as you tried to make your body listen to you again, but a voice between the shadows stopped you.

“You shouldn’t do that,” Bucky’s raspy voice whispered as he walked towards you. You smiled, almost like it was a reflection as he got closer to your bed but concern grew as you saw his state.

Bucky looked more sunken and broken than when you’d seen him as the Winter Soldier. The bags under his eyes were a dark purple than you’d ever seen before, his cheeks looked hollow as if he had lost a tremendous amount of weight, he seemed pale and tired, and then his steel-blue eyes were bloodshot red and you felt like crying.

“Are you okay?” you asked without even realizing that you’d spat the words or that your voice was so raspy at the moment.

Bucky chuckled, mostly to himself as he shook his head. “Are you really asking me if I’m okay, y/n?” He turned away from you, he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands as you shrunk in the bed, you could feel the tiny annoyance in his voice from your question, and before you knew it, he snapped. “Why did you do that?”

You were too stunned to speak for a second as Bucky turned around to face you, he winced as he saw how tense you were, how it seemed like you were scared of him.

“I …” Bucky started again, trying to be calmer than before but it seemed like he wouldn’t be able to control himself any longer and he clearly wasn’t as he got closer to you. “You could’ve died, you know? And then what happens? What was all of it for?”

“James.”

“I can’t lose you!” he finally yelled as his gaze connected with yours. “How could you be so careless about yourself?” Bucky yelled once more, his voice cracking at the last second as you gazed at his steel-blue eyes and you felt like your chest was going to explode.

In that second you recalled how self-preservation wasn’t exactly your forte.

“You know why I did it,” you muttered as you felt a sinking feeling washing over your whole body. You were beyond sure that you were starting to tremble at the thought of finally confessing your feelings to Bucky.

“What?” Bucky asked as he blinked slightly, he had a puzzled look on his face and you knew you had caught him by surprise.

“Bucky, you know how I feel about it,” you sighed as you tried to raise your hand towards him, a last glimmer of hope on the back of your mind was begging you to try to hold his hand, to maybe have him close.

But he flicked away his hand from you, giving a step back. “Stop,” he muttered softly and you could’ve sworn that you heard your heart cracking into a million pieces.

Your chest felt like it was an opening black hole sucking everything in you as you attempted not to burst into tears right there and then. You felt so small as Bucky gazed at you with a confused look, he seemed even paler than before and you guessed it might’ve been too much for him, you might’ve been too much for him to handle. You were starting to really shake and you were doing everything you could not fall apart, so you looked away.

“You don’t want me,” you finally whispered so quietly that you felt like he hadn’t even heard you, you could feel the tears already filling up your eyes.

There was a beat of silence and although you could feel Bucky’s piercing you with his gaze, you didn’t dare to look at him.

“We had a deal, y/n,” He finally whispered, to somehow correct your previous statement. “You know how much I care about you; I mean you are my best friend y/n and I-”

Awareness was beginning to seep through your mind as you recalled his last words as they swirl around your mind. Anger started to fester on your chest as it dawned on you how stupid you’d been, how even after almost dying to protect him, you weren’t enough for him.

He didn’t want you.

Nonetheless, he tried to hold your hand softly, but you snatched it away from him.

You raised your head and finally your gaze connected. Although you tried to see into them for miles and miles, as you tried to look in his gaze for the lie between his words, you couldn’t find any contradiction to the words he’d spoken before. He never saw you as something else than a partner, then a friend, he never saw you as anything else.

And you couldn’t just be close with him anymore.

“Is there something you have to tell me?” you asked him coldly, your voice faintly stronger than the previous whisper.

Bucky’s steel-blue eyes were locked with yours and although it seemed like he might say something else, he didn’t.

“No”

And there it, was that would always be his answer.

“Leave,” you whispered, you tried to lift your chin but the tears began to stubbornly roll down your cheeks.

You could see the slight wince on his face, you knew he could hear the fatigue on your voice and concern rose in his features the more he watched you. Although you had talked about heavy topics with Bucky, you couldn’t recall a time when he didn’t manage to make you smile until now, when he had caused you such pain. He never did, that was the thing, you always believed that you were going to be okay because he was there.

Until now.

Now, you only felt pain when you saw him.

“y/n, you don’t mean that,” Bucky said as he got closer to you but you tried to pull away as you remove your gaze from him. “Let me be here for”

“Leave, James” that was all you could push out before you closed your eyes, tears still streaming down.

It took a few minutes, but in the end, he left.

You couldn’t stop crying afterward.

Oh, it's new, the shape of your body

It's blue, the feeling I've got

And it's ooh, whoa, oh

It's a cruel summer

It's cool, that's what I tell 'em

No rules in breakable heaven

But ooh, whoa, oh

It's a cruel summer

With you

It had been a few weeks. You were sure that you and Bucky could quietly gravitate around one another in the Compound without causing pain to the other. All communications could be easily avoided since you were still recovering from your last mission, you weren’t forced to train or to go to missions, which left a few meetings or activities that you could run into Bucky. Nonetheless, you tried your best to avoid those as well, you spend most of your time in your room or the medical wing for your treatments and if you were in a common space and Bucky arrived, you would slip out of the room as swiftly as you could. On the other hand, if you were forced to talk to Bucky, it was mostly as icy as one could be. If you were being honest, the sadness and the dread of not being close to him filled your first few weeks but after that, they turned into a bit angrier and resentful, so the remarks were a bit angrier as time passed and glares would be thrown here and there.

It wasn’t a surprise then that everyone in the compound sensed something off between the two of you, but neither of you confessed anything to anyone. People figured that it was because of how the last mission had turned out, you were angry at each other because of that, nothing else. You confirmed that lie by asking Nat not to place you in missions with Bucky anymore, and although she had agreed that it might be for the best, she couldn’t avoid the puzzled expression that she had after you had finished asking her. While you heard from Sam, that Bucky had been asked by Steve to help you get back into training and he had declined the offer.

But you tried not to mind, as you tried to dismiss your feelings of sadness and anger, as you tried to dismiss how much you missed him every night, how you cried sometimes when you realized that you couldn’t talk to him or kiss him anymore. But honestly, you refused to feel unwanted again, although each time you saw him, the feeling just came back again.

Especially as he flirted with that agent in the bar of Tony’s penthouse at Avenger’s tower.

You were aware of the private gala that Tony had planned for the government, it was mainly a thing so that they could get off the Avengers back. The government liked to be informed about what you were doing, they wanted to control you somehow, so events such as this one could give them a sense of belonging when you were truly working outside of their range.

You had tried to avoid coming, knowing that you usually did not enjoy having to play reformed bad girl role for anyone in the government but also because you remembered how much you’d talked about coming to the party with Bucky. You were usually distracted by him playing drinking games when no one was watching or dancing with him to avoid talking with anyone. Moreover, you could still recall how you showed Bucky the dress that you were wearing that night. It was an off-the-shoulder long and tight black dress with a Bardot neckline that left Bucky gaping at you while you showed him the dress. You remembered as he raised from the bed and walked up to you, he whispered into your ear, I hope that dress wasn’t too expensive because I’m going to tear it off you at that gala.

You could still feel the shivers as you recalled how he pressed his lips against your skin.

But now you were here, and he was down there flirting with some government agent.

You weren’t sure if the blonde was from Shield or the CIA, and honestly, you didn’t really care. The only thing you cared about was how Bucky was practically tethered to her they had spent all evening together. Chatting with her, laughing with her, refilling her drink; and off course, he looked as handsome and beautiful as ever. His hair seemed a bit messier than when he arrived at the gala as you noticed the grey suit that he was wearing, it fitted him like a glove and everyone knew it, especially the agent.

She was elated by the attention that Bucky was giving her.

You were clearly not.

You simply stood there by the stairs on the second floor, you felt restless and angrier as the seconds passed; and although you tried to distract yourself with other people and make small talk with other government officials, your gaze would always drift to the two of them conversing by the couch. It felt like you were haunting the whole party, alone, your gaze always landing on them. It felt like time had frozen for only you, you couldn’t move on.

In all honesty, you knew that you were jealous of the attention he was giving to the girl. You were irritated with Bucky for being this perfect gentleman with her, for spending time with a girl that he’d never met or maybe had seen once or twice if something needed official handling, but mostly, for being with her all night when he could’ve been with you.

But then again, you couldn’t do anything about it.

So, you resorted to another method to forget about Bucky and the girl, you climbed down the stairs and went to the bar. You leaned your elbows on the bar after finishing yet another shot of tequila that you’d asked the bartender after you’d threatened him when he had told you that they weren’t serving shots because of the class of party it was. The buzzing of the alcohol was already numbing your mind, which was what you wanted, you just wanted to forget.

“I find it hard to believe that an amazing lady like you is sitting at a bar all by herself,” a man said, sliding into the stool next to you with a charming smile. “I’m a huge fan,”

He was handsome. He had short blonde hair that fell perfectly on his forehead with dark blue eyes and sharp sideburns. He seemed like an all-American kind of guy, which if we were being honest, you truly thought that was just a tiny bit comical. Back in the day, you remember how you knocked down thousands of them.

You simply smiled and ran your hand through your hair as you stared at him.

“It’s an honored soldier…” you asked him.

“Walker,” he said a bit too excited at first, he then cleared his throat and in a deeper voice continued. “John Walker”

You nodded with a wider smile at his reaction, you offered your hand and he quickly took it and kissed it softly. In the back of your mind, you felt a bit icky about the gesture, but you tried to tell yourself to let it go and simply enjoy the company, especially you couldn’t mind caring about it with how tipsy you were getting.

“I thought you’d like some company. So, are you with someone?” He asked curiously as he proceeded to order a drink.

You winced at the thought of Bucky but you shook your head. “I’m alone as you can see”, you muttered while you asked the bartender for a glass of wine.

“Lucky me,” He stated with a glim in his eyes as he took a sip of his drink. “You probably get this a lot, but you’re really beautiful”

You snorted at the claim, you were somehow stunned by how confident he was. Usually, people were a bit more precautious with you because of your past, they didn’t particularly like you since they knew that back in the day when you were basically a teenager you’d gone against the government and in general people like him more times than they could count; and although yes you were being controlled by Hydra or the Red Room, that didn’t ease people’s fear. Even less after they saw the way you fought; they knew they could easily be killed.

But this guy, clearly, he thought highly of himself, he thought he might be an exception and you usually weren’t a fan of people like that because most of them were just plain unaware about their lack of any real skill, but you were hurt and you were looking for a distraction.

“A little bit daring, aren’t you?” you asked him as you raised your eyebrows and took a sip of the wine but he simply chuckled.

“Well, it’s not every day that you get to talk to an Avenger that it’s as good looking as you,”

“And here I thought that everyone was crushing on Thor,” you muttered as you finished the wine faster than you wished that you had.

He laughed as he leaned closer to you, and suddenly his hand landed on your tight, right on the slip of the dress. If you were sober, you might’ve reacted differently at the sudden not consensual touch but your body was buzzing because of the alcohol and you were beyond tipsy now as your eyes started to get blurry.

“You might want to dance?”

“I,” you started but you looked the other way and your eyes linked with those steel-blue eyes that chased you even in your dreams. The icy stare made you turn back to John Walker’s more mischievous gaze and you realized how lewdly he was gazing at your body and how his hand was climbing up your leg.

Suddenly the urge of throwing up invaded your body, you felt your stomach turning and you weren’t sure the reason for your reaction but you knew that if you didn’t go away and into a bathroom, you would make a scene. You climbed off the stool quickly as you pushed away Walker’s hand but before you could turn around, he grabbed your arm, his grip a bit too comfortable on your arm and with a strength that you were sure a true gentleman wouldn’t use on any woman.

“Let me go,” you snapped under your breath as you closed your eyes thanks to the dizziness of your body.

He chuckled slightly as he sighed. “Come on, it’s one dance. What do you say?”

“She’s not interested,” Bucky’s voice made your knees go weak as you turned around and gazed at him. Bucky was livid, his teeth grit and eyes glinting with rage as he stared down at the blonde man in front of you.

“Man, it’s none of your business, please le-” Walker started but he was quickly cut off by Bucky who took his other arm and bent it in an almost unnatural way. Walker wailed quietly, knowing that he couldn’t make a scene as Bucky held him with his vibranium arm.

“If you don’t remove your arm from her right now, I’ll rip this one. What do you say?” Bucky growled as he glared Walker down, who simply nodded and soon let go of you.

You gave a disgusted scoff as he finally let go of you and you stormed through the party looking for the bathroom. You didn’t waste time as you finally found one upstairs, a bit away from people, and quickly shut the door as you collapsed on the bathroom floor, clutching the toilet as your body convulsed while you puked everything you had drink through the night. It lasted a few minutes and then you gave yourself a few, as your head was clearing up from the dizziness of before.

Finally, you wiped your mouth with the back of your hand and then stood up to wash your hands and mouth. As you finished you watched yourself in the mirror as you tried to fix the mascara that was running down a bit because of the tears that had fallen while you were puking your guts out but other than that you were as presentable as someone could ask. You quickly grabbed your purse and took out the gums that you had for emergency as always. Without a second thought, you opened the bathroom, not expecting to see him standing in front of the door.

Bucky was clearly waiting for you; he was leaning against the wall in front of the bathroom. He raised his head as you finally came out. His eyes lit up as he saw you, you looked at his steel-blue eyes and how it seemed that galaxies would erupt from them by the way he was watching you, he gave a step closer to you but you started to walk away.

“Fuck off, James,” were the only words that left your mouth as you left him in the hallway.

You heard Bucky stopping dead on his tracks as he processed your words but it didn’t take long for him to finally follow you.

“What’s your fucking problem?” Bucky growled as he walked in front of you, making you stop in the lonely hallway. You saw how his lips formed a straight line and how his jaw clenched as he waited for an answer while you only gave him an exasperated sighed and you looked away while crossing your arms over your chest. “Y/N?” He asked again since you had refused to even look at him.

But then you did, your eyes narrowed angrily as you looked at him.

“YOU ARE!” you finally yelled, jabbing Bucky sharply in the chest. You could feel all the anger from a couple of weeks surfacing on your chest as you had him in front of you, but it also brought something else.

Bucky’s eyes looked like they were on fire in the dimmed lighting, but you also saw the lopsided grimace on his face as he realized how to hurt you actually were.

“How am I the problem!?” Bucky growled back at you, and you could literally feel your heart squeezing and suffocating on your chest.

“How ARE YOU the problem?” your face was pinched and your cheeks were burning red as you watched Bucky in disbelief. “You. Told. Me. That. You. didn’t. want. a relationship.” You snarled at Bucky, punctuated by a push on his chest for each word. “And yet you treated me like if I was something else for you! When truly I was just a placeholder for sex!”

There were tears definitely building up in your eyes and you hated it, you hated that after all the time you were still there, burning in hurt from what he had done.

“You weren’t-” Bucky spoke his first words but you cut him off with a blazing, hurt expression.

“Yes, I was,” you prodded, “Use me while you get another pretty agent, use me while you don’t have anything better,”

“You know that’s not true!” Bucky growled under his breath as he avoided that you got away by taking your wrist softly, and you could tell already that you were pushing him to the brink. “That could never be true!”

“Yeah, right,” you scoffed at him while he held you. “I almost die for you!”

“And I wouldn’t have survived if you had! Don’t you get it Y/N?” He barked at you. “I lov-”

And that’s when your breath got caught. Your eyes linked with him and you saw his gaping mouth. The tension in the room was palpable, you were both breathing heavily, as you saw how his eyes were fixed on your face, he was examining you again as if you weren’t real. He was touching you so delicately, so lightly and he didn’t look away from you as he shifted closer. You could feel your heart stammering on your chest, you could feel warm and your space was invaded by his scent. It was only until that moment that you realized that it wasn’t that Bucky didn’t want you to, the anger dissipated, that you realized that all you felt was hurt and sadness.

“Oh my god” you whispered so softly; it was almost inaudible.

You watched at Bucky in front of you, you watched his steel, stormy blue eyes. His breathing was heavy, and his eyes were filled with so much regret and guilt that you wished that you could just look away as if it would make your realization hurt less.

“I…”

You felt hot and wound up, your hands were shaking and tears were finally streaming down, your chest was beating wildly. “You can’t even say it,” you shook your head and you felt sick at the sight of him. Only until then did you realize that he was crying too, and he looked more sorrowful than you’d ever seen. “You can’t say it, right? Not even if you feel it?”

Bucky finally looked away as he wiped the fresh wave of tears falling from his eyes with the back of his hands and let you go. He curled his hands into fists as he walked back and forth while you simply stayed there as you tremble slightly.

“You agreed to it,” he finally whispered as your gazes link and you had to cover your mouth to avoid a whimper to come out. “You agreed to nothing,” you could see it in his stand, how the words fell from his lips that this had been really weighing on him

You felt so exhausted and defeated, it was even worse knowing that even if he felt something for you, even if he felt the same way as you do, he chose not to say it.

He chose to keep hurting you.

“Yeah,” you answered slowly. “And I’m done with it”

I'm drunk in the back of the car

And I cried like a baby coming home from the bar (oh)

Said I'm fine, but it wasn't true

I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you

And I snuck in through the garden gate

Every night that summer just to seal my fate (oh)

And I screamed for whatever it's worth

"I love you, " ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?

He looks up grinning like a devil

You ran out of the tower without looking back at Bucky or other members of the party, you didn’t even bother to stop and give an explanation to Steve who caught sight of you before you left. You mumbled something about being drunk and got into an elevator. You quickly took one of the automatic cars that Tony had designed, which had been used by the members of the compound had use to come here, and quickly placed the address and then laid down in the back of the car as you sobbed about everything that had happened.

You’d never felt something for anyone, no one had made you feel so safe and at home like Bucky had done. You’d never been yourself with anyone, hell, you didn’t even know who you were but being with him felt like being your most authentic self. And yes, although it hurt like hell to believe that he had simply used you for pleasure and that he didn’t feel anything else, it hurt a little bit less than realizing that although he did feel the same as you did, he wouldn’t dare to say it.

You weren’t worthy then of saying it?

Then, from one moment to another you felt your body launching forward as the car came to a halt, the brakes screeching as you rolled to the front sits, the airbags from the front already launching by the sheer force of how it broke. You groaned a bit, knowing that you weren’t really hurt, although you knew bruises will be appearing the next day on the whole left side of your body. You raised from the seats and in front of the car you saw him, on his motorcycle and his eyes seemed a bit concerned.

You slammed the door of the car as you got out and walked towards Bucky, who quickly climbed down from his bike and ran towards you.

“Y/N, are you oka-?” Bucky asked horridly but before he could say anything, you slapped him across his face, he chuckled slightly as he caressed his cheek from the sheer force of the slap and moved his jaw slightly.

“I wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, asshole!” you snapped at him as you tried to clean your face from any residual tears that you had.

“How was I supposed to know?” Bucky muttered, still holding his jaw and there was when you realized how hard you’d hit him but at the moment you simply rolled your eyes at his statement.

“My God, you really are something aren’t you?” you scoffed as you turned around towards the car, determined to go home and somehow forget about him. “Leave, James”

But Bucky ran to you, again, standing right in front of you, and took your shoulders with his arms slowly as he checked your body, he examined you as if he was making sure that you hadn’t been injured.

“Wait, I’m serious are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” you muttered again as you tried to escape his hold but you couldn’t. “Now leave,” Bucky let go of you but he still wouldn’t let you pass through, and you started to feel exasperated by him. “What do you want?”

“I’m not leaving,” he stated with the determination and courage that you’d seen before on missions. “Not until you tell me when it changed”

“Are you serious?”

“I need to know,” he stated firmly as he got closer to you, closer than you’d ever been since that faithful day in the Hydra base. Your eyes linked with his and at that moment you felt your heart was about to explode in your chest, you could cry by the way he was looking at you, you had never seen Bucky like that, he seemed almost feverish with his red cheeks while his wild eyes stared back at you as if he was taking you in. There was this gleam on his eyes, so bright and loving that you felt like you could die right then and there just by the way he was looking at you, no one had ever looked at you like that.

So you took your time to answer the question, as you truly tried to recall the first time during your Rendez-Vous that something had changed but the more you thought about it, you’d realized that it had never changed.

“I always had feelings for you,” you finally muttered as you looked at him. “I just realized at one point, I wouldn’t be able to hide it anymore,”

Bucky gave you a smiling smirk, “Why you couldn’t?”

You stayed still, your breathing stopping for a second as you stared plainly at Bucky, too lost on your thoughts to really answer because you knew what it meant. It all came back to you, the late nights talking together, the training, the dancing, the laughing, the sleeping together, everything. You just didn’t realize how strong your feelings for Bucky were and you couldn’t hold it anymore.

“Y/N tell me!” Bucky insisted as he placed a hand on your cheek and closed the space between the two of you, he pressed his forehead against yours and you could feel his lips ghosting over yours. You closed your eyes as you felt Bucky, you quickly place your hands on his blazer pulling him even closer, as if to feel any security before you said what you needed to say and then you breathe slowly before opening your eyes and realizing he was looking right back at you.

“I love you,” you finally confessed as you gazed at Bucky. “Ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?

Bucky smiled and closed the space between both of you with a bruising kiss.

Oh, it's new, the shape of your body

It's blue, the feeling I've got

And it's ooh, whoa, oh

It's a cruel summer

It's cool, that's what I tell 'em

No rules in breakable heaven

But ooh, whoa, oh

It's a cruel summer

With you

“I love you too,” he finally said.

******

author's note: I've been trying to write this since august and I hadn't had the time or the patience to do so until now. I've dreamed about posting this so I really hope you all like it. It's my first time writing for Bucky and most of the fanfic that I see here for him is smut so I really wanted to try more fluff? To mix it up?

anyway, please as always let me know if you liked this, your thoughts. request as always are open and any feedback is super appreciated

Thank you!!!

****

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