#winter flower

Bucky lifts a bale of hay with a grunt before tossing it into the feeding pen. The activity is tedious considering he can only complete the chore with one hand, but it keeps him busy and content. He likes to contribute what he can to those he will forever be indebted to for taking in his family and offering them asylum. Rosie, having long since tired from playing, sleeps wrapped securely against his back the way the women of the village had taught him to do. Her steady breathing brings a comfort to the man as he works, but it is quickly interrupted by the arrival of the King and his General.

Their demeanors are serious, and he’s able to detect right away that they aren’t here for a friendly visit. His movements falter, his muscles immediately tensing as a guard hastily sets a gilded case down before him and opens the latch. A brand new appendage is presented to him, the metal gleaming under the sunlight and nearly blinding him. Bucky is filled with a sense of dread, and he slowly trails his unnerved gaze up towards T’Challa with unease.

“Where’s the fight?” He prompts solemnly, lips pulling into a thin line and heart beginning to pound in his ribcage. Rosie stirs against him and he feels his chest tighten with agony at the mere possibility of her life being in danger.

“Already on its way,” the King replies gravely. “Ready yourself. Have y/n gather what she needs for herself and your daughter. We must return to the palace quickly.”

Bucky shifts his gaze towards your home and swallows harshly as he pictures you lovingly carrying out the domestic chores with a sense of peace that had once evaded you for years. He doesn’t have the heart to shatter your bubble of happiness, but your life of tranquility has quickly come to an end.

“I can’t do this to her,” He says despairingly, his voice thick with emotion.

“You must,” Okoye insists gravely. “Your time of rest is over, and the safety of your family depends on this battle.”

When Bucky finally wills himself to set foot in your home he finds you setting the table for lunch. Your features are calm and content as you hum a quiet melody, completely oblivious to the fact that your world is about to come crashing down. He swallows harshly and softly calls your name, prompting you to meet his gaze with a smile. However, your face immediately becomes crestfallen as you detect the change in his demeanor.

“James? Is everything alright?” You press gently. He looks away guiltily.

“There’s something coming, and it’s not safe for you here anymore. We have to go.”

“What? What do you mean it’s not safe?” You stammer uncertainly, fear and panic already beginning to settle within you as you frantically look to your husband for answers. “T’Challa said we’d be safe here, that no one would come looking for us-”

“I know,” Bucky shushes you gently while taking your trembling hands in his own, “but this is different. You and Rosie need to get to safety, and I need to stay back and fight…”

“No…” you murmur despairingly. Tears begin to well in your eyes and Bucky feels his heart ache at having to do this to you. He’d broken another promise, put you in danger again, and there was nothing he could do to make it better. “You promised me. You promised.”

“I know,” he whispers in defeat, shamefully refusing to meet your gaze.

“You said no more running.”

“I’m sorry,” he expresses, tears of his own beginning to form as he silently pleads for you to understand. He presses a trembling kiss to your forehead in penance and releases his hold on your hand. “Grab your things. I’ll pack a bag for Rose.”

You aren’t given a chance to argue further as Bucky hastily makes his way towards the nursery to gather your daughter’s belongings. Despite the dread that’s pooling in your stomach, you force yourself to move quickly and pack the essentials you’ll need while away from home. Your husband isn’t sure how long you’ll be kept in hiding, so you take enough supplies to last you at least three days. Your heart is pounding, and everything feels like a blur as you’re quickly ushered out of your home and taken to the palace.

The last time you had roamed these great halls Rosie was just learning to walk, her chubby hands eagerly reaching across the way for an ecstatic Princess Shuri who had become a dear friend during your stay. Bucky was slowly but surely erasing all the damage Hydra had done to his mind, and you were undergoing your own psychological counseling to work through the trauma you’d endured. You joined him back in the village once the Winter Soldier had been deemed completely removed, and you thought your troubles had finally come to an end.

“Y/n,” Bucky calls gently, breaking you out of your reminiscent daze as you finally reach your destination. “Ayo is going to take you and Rosie to Queen Ramonda. She’s offered to bring you both with her to a safe house away from the fight.”

“What’s going to happen?”

“I don’t know,” Bucky answers truthfully, “but I promise I’m not going to let anything happen to either of you.”

“What about you?” You ask tearfully, a shuddering breath escaping you as you rest a careful hand upon his cheek. “Will you come back for us?”

“I always do,” he reminds you earnestly before leaning down to meet you in a tender kiss. He pours all of his love and adoration for you into this single embrace, savoring the feeling of your lips against him like it’s the last time. You don’t want to voice it aloud, but it almost feels like he’s saying goodbye.

“I can’t lose you again,” you breathe after finally parting. Bucky smiles faintly though it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“You won’t,” he avows solemnly before pressing one more kiss to your lips. “I love you.”

You hold back a sob as he hands you your sleeping daughter, making sure to push back her hair and press a kiss to her forehead before he’s quickly rushed off by Okoye and T’Challa to prepare for battle. You watch him disappear into the palace before allowing Ayo to guide you in the opposite direction.

Something deep within tells you that Bucky will breaking his promise to you, and you don’t know if you can handle another heartache, but you know you have to be strong for your daughter. Your mission is to keep her safe, so you must do your job while Bucky does his.

You just hope you’ll both be able to see this all through.

~~~

The ground rumbles beneath you as you shut your eyes and take a deep breath, counting down slowly from ten like your therapist had taught you to help alleviate your nerves. You’ve been locked in the safe house for hours now with no contact to the outside world, and you have no idea what’s happening or if your husband is safe. Your entire body feels on edge with worry, but you refuse to let your fear show in front of your daughter.

Rosie sits a few feet away happily displaying her collection of dolls to Ramonda, completely unaware of the fact that her father is currently fighting against a mad Titan and his alien army. The Queen has assured you that the walls of the safe room are impenetrable and the guards are fully equipped to keep you safe, but her words do little to quell your anxiety. You hate the not knowing, not being able to speak to Bucky and ask him what’s going on out there, if your friends are okay.

“Mommy,” Rosie whines from across the way, snapping you out of your daze, “I’m hungry.”

“I know, honey,” you coo gently, opening your arms for her as she throws herself against your chest for comfort. “I forgot to bring your snacks, but we can eat soon.”

“When daddy comes back?” She snivels, her wide eyes peering up at you innocently. You feel your chest tighten at the mention of James, but you will yourself to put on a smile as you gently brush her hair back behind her ear and press a kiss to her head.

“When daddy comes back,” you affirm warmly. The ground beneath you finally stills, causing you to swallow nervously as you look over to Ramonda with uncertainty.

“Has it finally ended?” She murmurs with apprehension. She looks to the guards and gives them orders in Xhosa, and you watch unnerved as they rush out of the room to conduct surveillance of the area. “They are going to see if it is safe for us to leave this dreadful place.”

The world feels unnervingly still, and you’re unable to determine whether that’s a good sign or a bad one. Goosebumps prickle along your skin, your instincts screaming at you that something isn’t right. Your blood suddenly goes cold and you gasp for breath as if someone has just knocked the wind out of you. There’s an unbearable pain deep within your chest, and it feels like a part of you has been severed. You feel chillingly empty, and your eyes widen in shock as you come to a dreadful realization.

You can’t feel Bucky anymore.

The serum keeps you in tune with one another, minds and bodies connected even when you’re apart, but instead of his warmth all you feel is a suffocating emptiness.

“Mommy?” Rose calls again. “I feel funny…”

“What?” You breathe out shakily, turning your attention towards her just in time to see her begin to fade away. In what feels like agonizing slow motion, you watch as her tiny figure begins to disappear into dust. You feel like you can’t breathe, hands desperately grasping after her only to feel the air around you. She’s gone in the blink of an eye, and you’re left completely alone.

“No, no, no…” you gasp in shock, falling onto your hands and knees as the panic begins to overtake you. “This-This doesn’t make any sense. Where did she go?! Where’s Natalia?!”

You break into an ugly fit of sobs, gasping for air as you curl in on yourself and scream in agony for your daughter who had just been in your arms mere seconds ago. Ramonda’s words of comfort fall upon deaf ears as you clutch your chest in an attempt to get some sort of relief from the pain of your broken heart. Everything hurts, and all you want is for this nightmare to end.

You don’t know how long you spend curled up on the floor crying to the point of exhaustion, but at some point a pair of hands comes to rest upon your arms and a familiar voice is calling your name as you’re lifted off the ground. You peer up through wet lashes to see Steve kneeling beside you, features contorted with worry and guilt. He looks drastically different from the last time you’d seen him, more rugged and less clean shaven, but in spite of this the sight of him brings you comfort.

“Steve,” you manage to get out, collapsing against his chest as you weep. Your fingers dig into his biceps to ground yourself, to seek some sense of comfort, but it doesn’t work. He isn’t your James, the serum running through his bloodstream is unfamiliar to your own, and it’s all the more isolating. “Rosie… She’s-She’s gone.”

You watch his face fall into quiet despair and hopelessness at the news, his hold on you tightening to keep you from seeing the way his eyes begin to well with tears. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop it.”

“James… Is he- did he?”

A heavy pause settles in the air, but Steve’s silence is enough to give you your answer.

“I’m sorry.”

Your grief stricken wails echo throughout the safe house as Steve holds you against his chest and slowly rocks you back and forth. Chills run down his spine, sobs of his own begging to be released, but he holds it together for your sake. He’d lost his best friend, but you had lost your entire family.

You were alone once more, and once again the Captain felt responsible for you in the absence of Bucky. You had worked so hard to move on from the past, to get out of the isolating loneliness you’d endure after being freed from Hydra, only to land back in the darkness.

You were Flower once more.

~~~

Light pours into the dark bedroom as Natasha gently opens the door and settles her gaze on your still figure in bed. You haven’t moved from that spot since returning to the compound from Wakanda, and she’s rightfully worried about your emotional state.

It’s been a week since you’d watched your daughter turn to dust in your arms and learned that your husband had suffered the same fate. Your chest feels hollow and you can’t bring yourself to do anything other than lay in bed. You want nothing more than to close your eyes and hope that somehow you’ll fade away into nothing just as they had. At least then you could be with them once more.

“Hey,” her voice calls gently as she seats herself on the edge of your bed and carefully runs her fingers along the expanse of your arm. “You haven’t eaten anything today. We need to change that.”

“I’m not hungry,” you reply faintly, voice hoarse from misuse. “I wouldn’t be able to keep it down, anyway.”

“Still nauseous?” She hums softly, earning a barely visible nod of your head in response. “Maybe it’s time you see Bruce in the infirmary. At the very least he could get some fluids in you.”

“Nat,” you urge her desperately, “I know you mean well, but I just want to be left alone.”

“I know,” she breathes glumly, “but I can’t do that. Steve and I, we made a promise to Barnes that we’d look after you if anything were to happen to him. And it did. So I’m keeping that promise even if you don’t want me to.”

The mention of Bucky has your breath catching in your throat, a fresh wave of tears forming that you fight to keep at bay. You know she’s worried, and you can’t fault her for caring so deeply about you. She’d been by your side through some of your darkest moments, and it made sense that she was adamant to be there once more for you.

“I don’t know how to live without them,” you snivel, your shoulders beginning to tremble as tears begin to roll down your cheeks. “It’s like I’ve been ripped in half, and there’s nothing I can do to make it feel better.”

“I swear to you we’re doing everything we can to figure out a way to bring them back,” she avows solemnly. She tenderly brushes away your tears before resting a hand on your cheek. “We’re going to fix this, but for now, you need to take care of yourself for Rose and for James. I’m sure they’d hate to see you like this. Can you do that?”

You hesitate for a moment before slowly nodding your head in agreement. Your body aches from disuse as you sluggishly lift yourself out of bed with Natasha’s help. She assists you in picking out fresh clothes for a shower, helps you brush your hair, and walks you down to the infirmary for a checkup.

No part of you wants to do any of this, but the small sliver of hope that your family could be brought back to you is enough to keep you going. You’d hate to be in disarray when they return, for them to see you so depressed, so you will yourself to keep moving forward.

You have to.

~~~

A gentle breeze rustles through the grass as you stare down at the gravestone in front of you. There were no bodies left to bury, but the psychologist Natasha urged you to speak with had to suggested it might be good if you had something tangible for your mourning process. Tony had arranged for the tombstone to be made and settled into the garden of the compound before he’d left for good, and now you were left with a place to go when the loneliness became too much to bare.

You stare intently at the names etched into the stone- James Buchanan Barnes and Natalia Rose Barnes: Beloved husband and daughter, now together in eternity. You suppose the notion that they’re somewhere together is comforting, but it doesn’t ease the ache in your chest or lessen the blow of being left behind. You wish Thanos had taken you instead.

The grass crunches softly as a new presence joins your side, and you don’t have to look to guess who it is. Steve has been avoidant with you ever since he’d failed to bring your family back like he’d promised, failing to make eye contact and excusing himself from rooms you reside in. You know his guilty conscience eats him alive every time he looks at you, his entire being full of shame for breaking yet another promise to you, but you don’t fault him for that. You may have lost your husband, but Steve had lost his best friend after fighting tooth and nail to get him back. It was personal for him too.

“You know,” Steve speaks suddenly, abruptly ending the quiet you had found yourselves in, “my Mother died when I was young, and I thought I’d never get over it. I don’t think I ever would have if it hadn’t been for Buck. He refused to leave my side at the funeral and every day after that. That’s just the kind of friend he was.”

“I don’t blame you,” you tell him faintly, removing your gaze from the gravestone to meet his solemn blue eyes. “I know you did everything you could.”

“I could have done more.”

“Would it have really made a difference?” You ask with a somber laugh, and he knows you’re right.

“Bucky loved you with his entire being.“

“I know,” you hum with a faint smile, eyes beginning to well with tears.

“I can’t bring them back or even begin to try and fill his shoes, but I want you to know I’m here for you,” Steve professes in earnest. “Whatever you need, whatever you want, I’ll be there.”

“Thank you,” you utter quietly, allowing him to pull you into his side as the two of you look down at the gravestone once more. “You know, he talked about you all the time. He really loved you.”

“I know.”

~~~

“Încă o apăsare.”

“She says one more push,” Bucky translates for you, tenderly brushing away sweaty strands of hair from your face before pressing a kiss to your temple. “One more push and she’ll be here.”

You suck in a breath and tightly squeeze his glove covered metal hand before letting out a guttural cry of pain. You’ve been in agonizing labor for hours, dotted on by nurses and doctors while making Bucky sick with worry. You’re past the point of exhaustion, but you do as the midwife says and use all of your remaining energy for one last push.

Your head falls back against the pillows with a groan, and the sterile hospital room is soon filled with the shrill cries of your newborn baby. You let out a tearful laugh, peering up at Bucky who seems almost frozen in shock. His eyes never leave your child as they quickly wipe away the grime from her tiny little body before placing her down against your chest. She’s breathtakingly beautiful, her cries stopping almost immediately once she senses your presence, and you feel that all the pain you’ve been through was worth it for this one moment.

“She’s gorgeous,” Bucky breathes quietly, tears silently rolling down his feel as he gingerly reaches out to stroke his fingers along her smooth cheek. He wishes he could feel her skin beneath his fingertips, but he had worn the gloves to the hospital as a precaution to prevent anyone from detecting his metal appendage and uncovering his identity.

“Our little Natalia Rose,” you coo sweetly.

“I love you,” Bucky expresses while stealing a kiss from your lips. “I love you so much. She’s perfect.”

You give him a watery smile and press a kiss to her tiny forehead as your little family enjoys a moment together in the cramped hospital room. The circumstances of your pregnancy had not been ideal, but you wouldn’t change a single thing now. You were happy to finally be living a life of your own free from Hydra in Bucharest, and you would do whatever it took to keep your daughter safe and happy.

“I will protect you both,” Bucky assures you as the baby begins to cry once more. You believe him, and his words leave you with a sense of peace as you coddle your daughter on her first day of life. “I will keep you safe until my dying breath. I love you, y/n.”

You cradle a stuffed animal in your arms instead of your baby, her scent still lingering on its fur. It’s dwindled over time, but you cling to one of the only things you have left of her and hope it will somehow ease the ache within your chest.

It never does.

It’s been over a year since the snap, and Rosie would have turned four today if not for Thanos. You should be celebrating, circled around a cake with your closest friends while she blows out her candles. Instead, you sit alone in the entertainment room of the compound and clutch her stuffed bear tightly to your chest.

“I’ve been looking for you,” Steve’s voice calls, rupturing your ruminative state as he takes a tentative seat beside you. “It’s okay if you’re not up for it, but Nat got a cake and some candles. It might be nice to celebrate.”

“That sounds nice,” you agree faintly while burrowing your nose deeper into the teddy bear. “I just need another minute or two.”

“Of course,” he affirms with a careful smile. “Whatever you need, we’re here.”

You don’t think you’d be able to survive without the support of Steve and Natasha, the people who had been by your side through it all, but their presence doesn’t always make it easier, and the ache within you persists.

“I don’t know if Bucky ever told you this,” Steve starts to say, causing you to shift your gaze towards him with interest, “but he had a younger sister.”

“Rebecca,” you recall with a nod, still uncertain of where this conversation is going.

“He loved being a big brother. As much as he hated to admit it, he was a softie when it came to her. He’d go after any guy that broke her heart, give her the clothes off his back if she needed them, be her shoulder to cry on, her protector. She meant the world to him. I think he was meant to have a little girl. One he could love and spoil endlessly. He would have done the same for Rosie.”

Steve manages to get your first real smile of the day out of you as he recounts the story. You knew how much Bucky adored your daughter, and you liked to imagine what life could have been like if they hadn’t been snapped away. You think Steve is right about the kind of father Bucky would have grown into had he been given the chance, and the thought manages to bring you some semblance of comfort.

“Can I ask a weird question?” You say suddenly.

“Anything,” Steve answers with sincerity.

“Could you tell that story again so I can record it?” You ask, almost embarrassed by your own request. “It’s just… the way you talk about James, it’s almost like he never went away. It makes me feel closer to him, and I like that feeling. I want to hold on to it for as long as I can. Maybe I’m not making any sense.”

“No, no, you make perfect sense,” he assures you with a fond smile. “I think that’s a great idea.”

You give him an appreciative grin before pulling out your phone and opening up your audio recorder. Setting your device down in between you both, you give him a nod to confirm you’re ready for another story about the younger days of your husband.

“Tell me more.”

~~~

It’s been three years since the snap, and life has slowly gotten easier. The cloud of grief still hangs over your head most days, but you’ve learned to live with it. You carry on in their honor and try to make the best with what life has thrown your way.

With encouragement from Natasha you’d renewed your cosmetology license and gone back to styling hair. The last few years cutting Bucky’s hair had been good practice, and you fell back into it with ease. You got your own place, your own routine, and stuck to it to keep you from going insane.

You’re setting out your styling kit on the table when a knock at the door catches your attention. You quickly hurry over and open it with a smile at the sight of a familiar face.

“You made it,” you exhale before opening the door and allowing him to enter.

“I’m a little early,” Steve says apologetically while hanging his coat by the door.

“My favorite type of client,” you tease with a playful wink before guiding him into the living room. “Do you want anything before we get started? Something to drink?”

“I’m alright, y/n/n,” he assures you. Phone set on the table to record, you put on your apron and grab your comb as he takes a seat in the designated chair. Your fingers are mindful as you drape a cloak around his shoulders to prevent any hair from littering his clothes, and you work almost as if on autopilot. The muscle memory from doing this with Bucky so many times allows you to work with practiced ease, and it brings a strange sense of warmth to your chest.

“Just a trim, Cap?”

“Exactly right,” he replies with a reminiscent sigh. “Bucky attempted to cut my hair once. I didn’t have money for a barber and he was convinced he’d seen his mom cut his father’s hair enough times to do it himself.”

“And did he?” You ask with a quiet laugh as you carefully begin to snip the ends of his hair.

“Oh, he certainly did,” Steve answers with a wry chuckle. “I had to wear a hat for weeks.”

“Well, I promise you won’t have to wear a hat after I’m done,” you assure him with an amused giggle. “I loved cutting Bucky’s hair, but I think I loved cutting the Winter Soldier’s hair even more.”

“You did?” He asks, features clearly perplexed as he tries to understand your sentiments.

“It was one of the few moments of peace Hydra allowed us, a rare instance of intimacy where we could both be relaxed even with guards watching over us. I was gentle with him, and he trusted me with his entire being. It also gave me some sort of hope- They hadn’t taken everything from me because even though I didn’t know my own name or the life I lived before that I still remembered how to cut hair. Muscle memory is funny like that.”

“I’m glad he had you then,” Steve swallows thickly, clearly moved by your story. You’re not the only one that benefits from these memory swaps, and he appreciates your perspective more than you’ll ever know. “It’s nice to know someone was there to care for him. Someone loved him.”

“I did,” you hum faintly, lightly brushing away the hair from his neck before setting down your scissors. “You’re all done, Captain. Did I do a good job?”

“Much better than Bucky’s handiwork, that’s for sure,” he jests with a chuckle before fondly meeting your gaze. “Thank you.”

But it’s not the haircut he’s thanking you for.

~~~

You’re sitting on your couch listening to an audio recording of Steve recalling his trip to Coney Island with Bucky when a rapid knock sounds at your door. You startle, fumbling for your phone to pause the clip and quickly throwing on your husband’s old sweater over your tank top to make yourself decent for whoever is waiting on the other side. You aren’t expecting any visitors or clients considering it’s your day off, so the sudden disruption has you feeling unnerved.

You open the door to find Natasha and Steve on the other side, their features solemn yet full of determination like you’ve never seen before. Your eyes widen in quiet surprise at their presence, but you allow them entry without protest.

“Nat? Steve? I didn’t know you were coming.”

“I’m sorry we didn’t call ahead, but this couldn’t wait,” he says apologetically while shutting the door behind him.

“You guys are scaring me,” you tell them with a troubled frown. “What’s going on?”

“We’ve figured out a way to bring them back,” Natasha answers bluntly, bringing you into a stunned silence as you stare at her with your mouth partly agape. It takes you a moment to process the weight of her words and what they mean to you, and you aren’t sure what emotion to feel right now.

“What?” You breathe out quietly, fingers tightly clutching the ends of your sleeves against your palms. “That’s… That’s impossible. You said he destroyed the stones.”

“He did, but we realized the stones still exist in the past,” Steve explains carefully. “If we get the stones and bring them back here to the present we can undo the snap.”

“I’m sorry, are you suggesting time travel?” You retort in disbelief.

“I know it sounds crazy-“

“Look, I know you guys did everything you could to stop Thanos, and I know you did everything you could to bring them back, but I can’t handle any more broken promises,” you express remorsefully, eyes already beginning to well with tears as you’re reminded of all the disappointments you’ve endured. “It’s taken me five years to come to terms with the fact that they’re not coming back. I can’t go through this again.”

“I’d never get your hopes up like that,” Steve urges you softly, gently taking your hands in his own and giving them a reassuring squeeze. “I know just how much pain you’ve been through, and I wouldn’t be here telling you this if we weren’t absolutely sure of it.”

“We’re doing this,” Natasha affirms with a faint smile, obvious trepidation clear on her face despite her confident demeanor. “Whatever it takes. We’re going to bring everyone back.”

You worry your bottom lip between your teeth and silently evaluate the weight of her words. Natasha has always been honest with you for as long as you’ve know her, and she wouldn’t be here now if she wasn’t sure of her promise. You give them a single nod.

“Okay,” you utter quietly. “Bring them back.”

A single tear slides down your face before Natasha pulls you into her arms for the tightest embrace you’ve ever received from her.

You’ll later wish you could have known that would be the last time you’d ever see her again.

~~~

Your room is frigid and uncomfortably cold when he returns from his mission. Your frail body trembles beneath the thin sheets, a sight that’s enough to make the soldier’s chest tighten with complete love and adoration and frustration. You don’t deserve this life, and he doesn’t deserve you, but these are the cards life has dealt you both, and you play them to the best of your abilities.

The Winter Soldier carefully removes his muzzle and sets it aside on the single table in the room. He removes his gloves and his tactical vest then disrobes himself of the bloodied clothes that stick with sweat to his skin. He’s vowed never to taint you with the work he does outside of these four walls, and his meticulous process is his way of keeping you innocent and clean.

His bruised knuckles gently stroke the expanse of your cheek and savor the feel of your skin against his own. It’s lost some of its color from being kept out of the sun, but you are still by far the most beautiful creature he’s ever laid eyes on. He’s glad the mission was a success today. Hydra doesn’t have a reason to hurt you, to litter your body with bruises- he’s kept you safe.

The feel of his touch has your eyes fluttering open. Your brows furrow in quiet confusion before you focus your hazy gaze on his tender face. His smile is sweet and eyes gentle as he leans forward to press a kiss to your forehead.

“I’m home, Flower,” he coos quietly so as to not disrupt your state of peace. You smile, and it’s the sweetest sight he’s seen after a day filled with gore and destruction.

“Winter,” you hum sleepily, arms reaching out for him.

“I’m here now,” the soldier assures you while carefully pushing back the hair from your face. “I will always come back for you.”

Days have passed since you last spoke to Steve and Natasha, and the radio silence leaves your stomach in constant knots. You try to keep yourself busy by sticking to your normal routine and living your life as if there isn’t a chance it might drastically change at any given moment. You refrain from calling them in fear of causing a distraction or interrupting their mission, so you instead use Steve’s recordings as a lifeline to keep you sane.

It’s evening, just a little after sunset where the light no longer bleeds through your curtains. Captain American’s voice sounds gently throughout your apartment from your phone that rests on the coffee table, and you’ve managed to doze off after a stressful day at the salon. Your world is quiet and still, and in spite of that you fail to hear the sound of your front door slowly creaking open.

You dream of your Winter and the feel of his gentle caresses against your skin. Your lashes flutter as you remember his warmth and the tenderness in his eyes, the feel of his lips pressing against your forehead. You hum appreciatively in your sleep and nuzzle against the hand that cups your cheek in your dream as if he’s there with you.

And he is.

Metal fingers gently brush themselves across your cheek before moving to comb through your hair. His chest is tight with longing and agony at the sight of you. These last five years have changed you- your hair is shorter, face more matured yet somehow even more beautiful, skin soft to the touch. You’ve lived half a decade without him, and he’s missed five years of your life. He’s afraid to wake you and find out if you’ve changed or if you’ve outgrown him now that you’ve started over.

“Y/n,” he utters quietly while tenderly trailing his fingers up and down your arm to rouse you from sleep. “Open your eyes.”

The sensation of cool metal along your arm wakes you from your slumber, causing you to let out a quiet groan as you stretch out your limbs and slowly pry your eyes open to survey your surroundings. Bleary eyes meet a pair of watery blue ones. His warm smile and trembling lips greet you, and you feel your heart stop with shock as you struggle to process the man kneeling beside the couch.

“Hi, honey,” he says bashfully, a watery chuckle escaping him at the sight of your surprised face.

“James?” You breathe out quietly, almost afraid that you’re still dreaming.

“I told you I’d come back for you.”

You sob, throwing yourself into his arms and clinging to him like a cat to a tree. Your tears stain his neck as you soak in the feel of his skin against your own, inhale his scent that you’ve missed so much, dig your fingers into his strong biceps to keep you grounded. His metal hand gently cradles the back of your head while the other finds its place on your lower back, holding you like he never wants to let you go.

“I can’t believe you’re really here,” you weep softly, pulling out of the hug to cup his face in your hands so you can admire the man you’ve missed so much. He looks exactly like he had when he’d said goodbye to you, and your heart aches at the thought of how much time you’ve lost with him. “I never thought I’d see you again.”

“I’m here now,” he reassures you with a watery smile. “I’m home.”

“Oh, Bucky,” you breathe before passionately crashing your lips against his own. Your mouths meld together in a heated kiss as you savor the taste of him after being deprived of it for five years. Your blood feels like it’s on fire, but you don’t care. You’ve wanted this so bad, and now the hole you’ve carried in your heart for years has finally been filled.

You part with a breathless smile, laughing at the clearly flustered look on your husband’s face and granting him one more kiss on the lips. Suddenly, your eyes widen as you come to a realization. “Where’s Rosie?”

“Downstairs with Steve,” he reassures you. “I didn’t want to overwhelm you so I came up first. Do you want to see her?”

“Please,” you nod eagerly, eyes already beginning to well with tears as he helps you up from the couch and tightly takes your hand in his own.

“My brave girl,” Bucky coos, adoration clear in his eyes as he gently brushes the back of his hand against your cheek. You’ve endured so much in his absence, changed and grown into your own person, and managed to pick up the pieces when your family had been ripped away from you. He’s in complete admiration of your strength and courage, and he loves you more than you could ever possibly imagine.

You go downstairs to reunite with your daughter and bring your family together, and life is whole once more.

~~~

The funeral of Tony Stark is a somber affair.

You know the complicated history Bucky shares with the man and the guilt he feels at not being able to make amends before his passing, but you also know he’ll forever be indebted to the hero for sacrificing his life so that your family can be together again.

Though you’d gotten Bucky and Rose back, grief still hung heavy over your head. Natasha was gone. Steve told you how she sacrificed her life for the soul stone, deciding the fate of the world outweighed the cost of her own life. You were devastated to learn the woman who had become your best friend was gone- you wished you would have held her tighter, told her you loved her, and thanked her for all she’d done for you the last time you’d seen her alive. It was because of her you had your daughter back, but she would never be able to watch her grow or help raise her.

The funeral ends, and those that remain quietly discuss what the next move is now that Thanos has finally been defeated. Bucky and Steve find themselves standing together on the porch, both of their gazes focused on your figure in the distance. You stand by the lakeside and watch over Morgan and Natalia as they play. Your features are solemn, but a faint smile plays upon your lips as they giggle and pick dandelions in the grass. You look breathtakingly beautiful, and both men take notice.

“I haven’t had a chance to thank you,” Bucky notes quietly, prompting Steve to shift his focus towards his friend.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I do,” he says with a firm nod. “You took care of her when I was gone, gave her stability and a shoulder to cry on. You and Natasha made sure she was never alone, and I’ll forever be grateful for that.”

“I just did what you would have done if it were the other way around,” Steve answers truthfully. “Besides, I think being around her helped me deal with my own feelings of grief and loss. All we ever did was talk about you, and it helped having someone who knew you like I did. We understood each other, and it made things easier.”

“I’m glad she had you,” Bucky voices thoughtfully.

“I’m glad I had her,” Steve answers honestly. “But it was never meant to be that way. She needed you, and thanks to Tony and Nat she has you and Rose again. You guys can finally get the chance to live the life you deserve, which means my work here is done.”

Bucky falters, shifting his gaze towards the blond with uncertainty.

“Why does that sound so final?”

“Because it is,” Steve explains solemnly, guiltily avoiding his friend’s gaze. “You have a gorgeous wife and a beautiful daughter, both of whom love you with their entire being. I’m happy for you, Buck, but now that all is said and done I think I want that too.”

“So what are you saying?” He asks unsurely, his entire being suddenly filled with trepidation. Rosie laughs in the distance, and it brings a warm smile to Steve’s face as he settles his gaze upon you once more. You turn your head just in time to meet his stare and offer a warm smile that prompts his chest to tighten with longing.

“I want to give up the shield.”

Bucky’s mouth parts in quiet shock, and he isn’t exactly sure what to say or do with the bombshell Steve has chosen to drop on him without warning. His entire face feels hot and his stomach feels the way it had when they’d first ridden the Cyclone at Coney Island all those years ago, but he isn’t given the chance to come up with a response as you make your way up onto the porch with a sleeping Natalia in your arms.

“Nap time already?” Steve asks playfully in an attempt to alleviate the obvious tension that hovers over the two men.

“She passed out in the grass,” you explain with a fond smile while adjusting her form on your hip. “I don’t blame her though. I can’t imagine what these last few days have been like for her, having to deal with so much change and meeting so many new faces.”

“She’s tough,” Bucky notes absently, prompting you to detect the shift in his demeanor.

“I wonder where she gets it from,” Steve muses while shooting you a wink. Natalia begins to stir in your grasp, and Bucky is quick to carefully take her from your hold to give your arms a break.

“Pepper offered us Morgan’s room to set her down if we’d like,” you inform him, comfortingly rubbing his back the way you know he likes.

“I think that’s a good idea.”

“Want me to come with you?” You ask only for him to shake his head.

“No, it’s alright. I need a minute,” he explains with a careful shake of his head before excusing himself from the conversation and making his way into the cabin.

“What’s going on?” You ask as soon as your husband disappears inside, clearly having sensed the shift in his mood. Bucky had been understandably melancholic since your arrival to the funeral, but this felt different.

“I’m leaving,” Steve answers truthfully.

“To return the stones,” you acknowledge with furrowed brows, clearly not grasping the weight of his words. “James told me.”

“I’m not just returning the stones, y/n. I’m returning myself back to the life I missed out on.”

“You mean you’re not… you’re really not coming back?”

“I’ve done everything I can as Captain America. Thanos is gone, and the people I care about most are safe now. You and Buck can finally get the fresh start that was withheld from you for years. You don’t need me anymore.”

“Are you kidding? We’ll always need you,” you insist with a bewildered shake of your head. You sigh, stopping yourself from going on a tangent and instead firmly meeting his gaze. “You’ve done so much for us, and I’ll never be able to repay you for that. But I also know that you deserve to be happy, Steve. Even if that means leaving us behind.”

“I wouldn’t leave if I didn’t think Bucky would be okay without me,” he professes in earnest. “I know he doesn’t fully believe in himself yet, but I do. And I know he won’t be alone because he has you. You’re the best thing for him. You always have been.”

“Oh, Steve,” you murmur softly, thickly swallowing back the lump in your throat before wrapping your arms around the man in a tight embrace. “You do what you need to do. We’ll be okay.”

“Thank you,” he breathes in relief, a weight lifted off his shoulders at your acceptance. He holds you tightly for what will be the last time, and you’re grateful for the fact that at least you get the chance to say goodbye.

You make your way inside shortly after your talk with the Captain and find Bucky sitting quietly on the sofa. You wordlessly join his side and take his metal hand in your own, offering him comfort and support when he needs it most.

“He’s serious, isn’t he?” Bucky asks despondently. You give him a small nod. “He’s really leaving.”

“Are you okay?” You press carefully, a faint frown pulling at your lips and eyebrows creasing with worry. He carefully raises your hand to press a kiss to your knuckles, offering you a single nod and tender squeeze of your hand.

“I will be,” he answers knowingly, “so long as I have you.”

And he means it with his entire being.

~~~

It’s been one month since the funeral, and so much has changed since then.

Steve is gone, Sam has the shield, and Bucky is trying to ease his way back into society after years of living as fugitive. Your five years of experience makes it easier to help him adjust, but that isn’t to say it’s not a slow and gradual process.

It’s a quiet Saturday morning, and you find yourself enjoying your time away from work with your family. Rosie sits patiently in front of you as you carefully brush her hair, a task that brings you endless joy and warmth after being deprived of it for so long. Though you’re not exactly sure how to navigate having a three year old daughter who’s technically almost eight according to her birthdate, you’re managing the best you can. Her innocent naivety has allowed her to cope well with such big changes in her world, and you’re endlessly grateful for that.

You just wish you could say the same about Bucky.

“Are we visiting Auntie Nat today?” Her curious voice sounds, breaking you out of your thoughts.

“We are,” you respond with a careful smile. You tried your best to gently explain all that had occurred within the last five years and the sacrifice Natasha had made to reunite your family. She couldn’t fully comprehend the details, but she understood that the woman was a hero, and ever since she’d insisted upon being called by her first name so she could proudly boast her connection to the Black Widow.

“Did she get to meet me?” Natalia asks while fidgeting with the end of her blouse.

“She did,” you reassure her while carefully tying her hair back into a ponytail. “She was there the first time you kicked in my tummy, and she used to take me to all of my doctor’s appointments to see you. She even met you when you were just a little baby.”

You feel your chest tighten as you fondly recall all you’d been through with Natasha by your side, but you do your best to keep your emotions at bay for the sake of your daughter. You never want her to worry or sense your pain for fear of hindering her adjustment to her new life.

You set your brush down and press a careful kiss to the crown of her head before helping her jump off the stool. “Why don’t you draw a picture for Aunt Natasha before we go? Wouldn’t that be nice?”

“Okay, mama!” Natalia chirps happily, immediately scurrying off in search of her crayons and leaving you to your own devices once more. You let out a long sigh you didn’t realize you’d been holding and decide to venture out into the garden in search of your husband.

As expected, you find him brooding quietly from his place on the porch swing. His features are solemn and eyes swimming with turmoil as you silently seat yourself beside him. He wordlessly opens his arms to you and allows you to fall into place against his chest, secure and safe in his protective hold. His eyes immediately flutter shut at the feel of your body pressed against his own, his tense muscles finally beginning to relax at your touch. It certainly hasn’t been an easy month for Bucky, but you’re doing your best to help him move forward in spite of all that has happened. You and Natalia are the only things in life keeping him together, but the absence of Steve has done a number on your husband’s mental state.

“Do you think he’s happy?” He says suddenly, prompting you to shift in his hold so you can meet his steely gaze.

“I think he is.”

Bucky sighs, and you gently take his metal hand in your own to intertwine your fingers together.

“What’s on your mind?” You press quietly.

“I just can’t wrap my head around why he did what he did,” he admits guiltily. “Why couldn’t he stay? What if… what if he’s wrong about me?”

You frown. “He’s not wrong about you, James. You’re a good man deserving of a second chance, and you’ve worked so hard to overcome everything you’ve been through. Steve wouldn’t have left if he didn’t think you’d be okay here without him.”

“I don’t know if I am,” he replies sullenly, eyes beginning to water with tears he refuses to let fall. “Just because I got rid of the Winter Soldier doesn’t mean everything he did was magically erased.”

“Bucky…”

“Am I really worth all of this trouble?” he asks you desperately, eyes shining with pain and uncertainty. You swallow thickly to keep your own emotions at bay despite the pain you feel in your heart at seeing your husband so petrified about his own place in life.

“I think there’s something you should hear,” you inform him with a pained smile before reaching into your pocket for your phone. He watches with apprehensive curiosity as you quickly work to unlock your device and begin scrolling for your desired piece of media.

“Honey,” he starts to say only for you to interrupt him with a quick shake of your head.

“Just listen,” you beg with earnest, and it isn’t until he gives you a single nod of encouragement that you press play on the audio file.

“I went to see a movie once the day before Bucky was shipped off to England,” Steve’s voice sounds from your phone’s speaker, prompting Bucky’s eyes to go wide with recognition and shock. He never thought he’d get to see his friend again let alone ever hear the sound of his voice, yet here he was recounting an old memory that Bucky could hardly recall.

“Was it a good movie?” Your voice utters with quiet interest. Steve laughs.

“Couldn’t tell you. Some loudmouth wouldn’t stop shouting nonsense during a war advert about our men overseas. I had the smart idea of telling him to shut up, but you could imagine how well that went for me once I saw the guy was twice my size. He took me out back and nearly beat me to a pulp- probably would have if Bucky hadn’t shown up.”

“It wasn’t his fight, but he never let anyone talk down to me or treat me as less than for being weaker than the average guy. That’s the kind of man Bucky always was. A friend that would be with you until the end of the line. He believed in what was right and stuck to it. He was a fighter, a protector, and he never gave up on the people he cared about. I saw that side of him shine through most when he talked about you. Hydra may have tried to change him, but they could never take away the part that makes him so selfless and brave, because that’s the man James Barnes is.”

The audio clip ends, leaving the two of you to sit in solemn silence as a stray tear manages to slide down his cheek. A million thoughts race through his mind, his watery eyes looking from the phone to your face in search of the answers for questions he isn’t sure how to vocalize. Your features are gentle and warm despite the tears that quietly fall down your face, and he takes it upon himself to tenderly wipe them away.

“When did he tell you that story?” He prompts you quietly. You sniffle.

“Steve and I liked to swap old memories when you were gone, and I made sure to record each and every one of them. It made me feel closer to you, like you were still here in a way. He fought tooth and nail to bring you back to me because he knew if you were in his position you’d do the same. He wasn’t wrong about you James,” you say in earnest. “You are a good man.”

“I miss him,” he admits bitterly, a mix of sadness and resentment clear in his tone. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do next or how I can be the man you deserve after I’ve already put you through so much.”

“Hey,” you utter tenderly while resting a hand upon his cheek and carefully guiding his face to meet your gaze. “I lived five years without you and it felt like I’d been ripped in half. You’re everything to me, Bucky. I love you, and you don’t have to worry about whatever happens next because I know we’ll get through it together just like we always have. No matter what.”

Though you can tell his faith hasn’t completely shifted, your words are able to alleviate some of his doubts as he allows himself to slump over and rest his head on your shoulder. There’s still so much work to be done when it comes to his healing, but if someone as gentle and kind as you can still love him despite all you know about him and all you’ve endured by his side, then there is hope that he can still make the changes necessary to be a better man for your sake and his own.

“I love you,” he breathes into your neck. “I’m going to be the man you and Natalia deserve.”

“You already are,” you assure him before he gently guides your face towards him and presses his lips upon your own in a kiss.

Your tender moment allows Bucky’s mind a moment of peace as he’s distracted from the loss of his best friend and the fear of starting over again. Despite the removal of the trigger words and his separation from the Winter Soldier, he still has a long way to go on his path to inner peace and acceptance. In spite of this, he knows that he is capable when he has you and Natalia cheering him on from the sidelines. He won’t let Steve’s sacrifice go to waste, and he will spend every waking moment keeping you safe and content just as he always vowed to do.