“ i was ready. i was there. but you were too scared of something real. ” - sterling & carmilla
carmilla's eyes glanced aside, the strength of the reproach in sterling's tone feeling like a bullet to the chest. not that she'd taken any, but from what she had understood it to be, it surely felt similar. painful, brutal, piercing her from one side to the other, leaving damage and ruin in its wake. but then again, that was exactly what she had done to the woman standing in front of her.
clenching her jaw, she forced herself to look at the other, swallowing with difficulty and forcing herself to stay. not to run away another time, but to make it work, somehow. there was no way she could fix everything she had broken, but she could try. and she would - over and over again, until, maybe, her soul didn't feel like it was shattering whenever sterling looked at her.
"i know." was all she could utter, choking on her own breath, avoiding the familiar pull at the corners of her eyes. crying would be pathetic. and despite it all, despite it being sterling - the only person she had let her see cry, sob even - she couldn't allow it. not now.
"i was scared. terrified. and i left. like i always do. i know i said that it would be different with us, that you were different - and you are but-" the water had started running along her lashes and her voice was wavering. no, not now.
"i couldn't do it. being with you meant having you. having you meant the idea of one day, maybe, losing you. and i couldn't imagine that. i couldn't think of what i would do if it happened." a crack in her voice, as she wiped at the tears with the back of her hand, like they were nothing but bugs flying around her, bothering her.
"so i ran. i left you waiting for me and i ran away. somewhere you couldn't find me, somewhere you would forget me. i would forget you. but it never happened and now here we are again." she breathed out, a bitter chuckle passing her lips. "i'm sorry, lee. but if i had the chance, i would do it over and over again, just to try and convince myself that i wouldn't care about losing you. about loving you."
looking up again, in those dark eyes that held both all the love and the hate in the world she deserved, she sighed. "but i'm here now. and i still love you. i always have."