#wiag

It was the first Friday back from the break and KATSEYE were back in their beloved rehearsal room. Over the past week Manon had noticed how you'd been abnormally quiet, like something was hanging onto your mind too much. It was apparent from the way all of the Kats except you had congregated by the couch that they all agreed with manon in their concern for you.

Lara was the first to speak what they'd been all thinking. "What happened to her? I thought Revy's parents came to LA for the break?" It was more a question than it should have been and Manon's heart tugs at its own strings. They'd only ever seen a photo of your family once, and it wasn't the kind of photo manon had expected to see. It had given the same vibe as Sophia's professional family photos but yours, they missed the warmth that you could so clearly feel in hers. However, the girls could only assume that you'd been excited to see your parents, especially since they hadn't been able to make it to any of the tour shows.

Megan spoke up next, having just swallowed a part of the granola bar she'd definitely stolen from Dani's bag, not that the latina would have mentioned it. "She was able to pick me up from a new years party."

Sophia grimaces, the message falling clear on each of their minds. Your parents hadn't been able to come up and you'd most likely spent your time alone. Although Manon was reminded of the fact you'd been with Spoon so she supposed you hadn't been completely alone. She then recognized how unhelpful it actually was to have a cat.

"Chip, did Reverie tell you anything?" Sophia asks and Manon rolls her eyes. Not at her concern, never at the filipina's concern but rather at the use of your full nickname. You didn't like when they used it, so the majority of the Kats and other close friends used Revy as your nickname. Sophia was the exception and Manon wasn't exactly sure why.

Yoonchae shakes her head and looks at you from across the room again. You were running through choreo again. Your special choreo where Grant and Sohey took advantage of your gymnast background. When Yoonchae looks back her eyes are full of sadness that makes Manon's heart break. "No, Revy hasn't told me anything."

That catches Dani's attention, who springs up from her spot on the floor to lean over the side of the couch. Her head using Megan's shoulder as a resting point. "Wait, she didn't tell you anything?" The concern crept into her voice and Manon remembers how the two of you were like in dream academy. When you avoided everyone except the special five people, Dani thought you were stuck up. It took being roommates, and a lot of quiet nights doing your own things together, for the two of you to find your rhythm.

Yoonchae tears her attention from you and towards the curly haired girl. "Nothing, in fact she didn't really reach out over the break. Congratulated me on my performance with Yeonjun." Manon watched Dani's eyes light up with pride. "But generally Revy didn't really reach out."

Lara nodded, her eyes watching the way you planned out how you were going to do the next trick they had planned out for you. "So we don't know what Revy did at all during the break?"

When all of the girls shook their heads in response to Lara's question, each of them felt a slight guilt place itself in their stomachs. When Manon looked over to see if Sophia had any suggestions, she could see that the slightly younger girl wasn't processing the information well so Manon stepped up. "I'll talk to Revy tonight before you all come over for the movie."

Dani looked over, her head titling to the side slightly as she raised her eye brows. "Just you? It should be a full roommate conversation."

Manon shakes her head. "It'll set off revy's fight or flight. We need her to be comfortable to tell us anything." Dani grumbled but agreed nevertheless.

Manon's plan was simple: ask to spend some time doing art in either of your rooms before movie night starts and simply slide the question into conversation like it didn't matter. Manon had it all set up, they'd probably end up in her room so she set up the canvas in advance, made sure that she had a reference photo ready for when she was actually painting.

Slight problem with her plan though, she couldn't find you. She checked your room first, finding your skate board, phone and art sketch book meaning that by every logical thought you were still in the three bedroom apartment. Your window was open as Manon had come to realize it normally was. You once mentioned it being because you liked the fresh air and Manon had left it like that, trying to open the living room windows every once in a while to get some fresh air in places that weren't your room.

She knocked on Dani's door next. When Dani answered, she was in her cozy mode. Glasses sitting on the bridge of her nose, hair up in a bun and old ratty sweatpants that she only ever wore at home and away from eyes that would care. She was holding a romance book in her hand, using a finger as a book mark. If this situation wasn't as serious, Manon would have just told Dani to ignore her and continue to read. It's how the three of them had survived in a room together. This however was a serious situation and maybe the fact that manon wasn't smiling was what told Daniela something was up. Or maybe it was the lingering panic settling in Manon’s deep brown eyes. "Manz?" she asked, grabbing a receipt from the little table she has to the side of her door so that she can just drop her things. "What's going on, your eyebrows are furrowing in the way they do when something is wrong."

Later,when Manon is alone, she knows that the fact that Dani knew that little quirk is something that will warm her heart. Right now however is not the time. "Do you know where Revy might be?"

Dani shakes her head and places the book down. "Not in her room?" She asks as she waits for Manon to step back. When she does, Dani steps out of her room and heads straight to yours.

The two of them both do a once over of your room, looking for any signs of you being here or rather where you've gone. When they don't find anything they search the living room, then the kitchen then your room again like you'll just appear if they pray enough. However, you don't just appear and now the two of them are really panicking because your shoes are still in the right spot, just as you left them earlier and the rest of the Kats are going to be here in 30 minutes. They'd ask if Manon had had the conversation and she'd have to explain that you disappeared, just poofed out of the house. It wasn't like they'd be mad at her, but still. She'd put herself in charge of figuring out what's wrong and if she not only didn't figure that out but also lost you in the process, well Manon would be disappointed in herself. Dani didn't seem to be faring any better, she kept glancing at her phone as if you'd text her with the phone they both knew you didn't have. Then she'd glance at whatever clock was close enough for her to see, as if she didn't have the ability to check the clock on her phone lock screen.Then they heard a faint creak coming from your bedroom. The only reason the two girls were able to hear it was because of the fact that the door to your bedroom was open. The two curly haired girls made quick work of the distance from the kitchen to your bedroom in the left hand corner of the apartment. only to find you climbing in through the fire escape, your leg swung over the windowsill like this wasn't concerning.

"Where were you?" Dani asks, rushing forwards to help you through the window, to which you seem very confused about why she was confused.

"On the roof?" you state warily like it was the only obvious place for you to be. Once you were fully in the room you knelt down and began to untie the shoes that Manon hadn't noticed you had on until now.

"Why?" Dani asks, but Manon isn't focusing on that anymore.

"Your burn scar." She states simply, taking a few steps forward, moving for your hand. She only stops when you flinch away and pull your hand back, curling it into a fist. "It looks irritated." She says softly, as if soft words would get you out of whatever flight or fight mode she and Dani have put you in.

Your face hardens and your dual coloured eyes glare at her. not your typical glare, not the one you'd give to others. but rather a softer one, manon has been in your special person list longer than most people on that list, but it still sent a shiver down her spine. "It’s fine."

Dani tries to speak up, but the way you angle your body away from them tells Dani that this is a delicate conversation. With a quick glance to manon, she nods and mutters something about getting things ready for movie night. Neither you nor Manon give her any signal to let you know she'd even left. The two of you stand in an awkward silence before Manon smells it. Cigarette smoke, and it's clinging to your clothing like it belonged there. It was unmistakable, Manon spent a lot of her pre-dream academy day smelling faintly of the smell clinging to her.

"You're smoking up on the roof." She states it plainly but she can see the way your eyes flick to hers like she's uncovered a huge secret. "Revy, you can't," her voice catches. "How long?" You turn your attention away from her, placing the cigarettes in a locked compartment of your desk along with your lighter. Hidden in places that Dani and Manon would have never looked. Mostly because they respected your privacy.

You stand at the desk for a few moments and Manon can only guess how your face looks right now, but if there's anything that she's learned in the last three years of knowing you, it's that it's easier to wait for you to come to her. Eventually you turn around and manon can see the stress in your eyes and she just wants to wrap you in a hug but knows better. You open your mouth and stand there with it opened for a minute or so. "14 years old." If manon wanted to cry before she definitely needs to cry now.

"Why?" She asks and almost immediately she knows it's the wrong question to have asked, because your eyes flick to your skateboard and you're moving before the girl from Switzerland can do anything. "Reverie." she calls out, trying to get your attention. you both pass Dani who seems to join in on the growing panic. "Where are you going?"

"Away from you. Tell the girls that I'm sorry I won't be at the movie night." You're slipping on your other shoes and Manon counts herself lucky that you aren't yelling at them.

"When will you be back?" That seems to make you pause.

"When this calms down." Manon can't tell if you mean your emotions or the tension or maybe something else completely. It doesn't matter though as you are out of the door in less time than it should have to put your shoes on.

Dani takes a breath before looking at Manon. "That went well."

Manon isn't sure what took her over but she collapsed onto the floor and started to cry. "Revy's been smoking Daniela."

The full name catches Dani's attention as she drops to her knees beside manon. "Manz..." it's soft in that supportive way that Dani has no right being so good at.

"She started when she was 14 years old. She was just a baby." Dani pulls Manon into her arms and starts to rub her back. Manon can tell that Dani isn't truly understanding why Manon is upset. "Revy smoked for two and a half years right under our noses Dani. We were supposed to take care of her."

That seems to still Dani and momentarily Manon feels bad for making Dani think she's a bad older sister to you; but manon can't get the image of her own older sister's face when she found out that manon had been smoking. Back then Manon hadn't understood the reasoning for her stern conversation about the health concerns until now. Until Manon was staring at the kid she'd adopted three years ago and realizing that she'd failed them.

TAGLIST (32/50) -> open

It starts as it normally does. With small things, like you having worn your trans tape for too long and thus forcing you to wear your binder. Which super conveniently lined up with the day that Sohey and Grant were going to teach you and the girls new choreo, that you could no longer learn with them because of the fact you were wearing said aforementioned binder. Then a shirt you’d ordered, one that you’d been particularly excited about, had come in and the texture had been horrible. It made your skin crawl. On top of that, it accentuated your hips. It was probably the quickest you’d thrown out a shirt. Then your packer wasn’t sitting properly and you know nobody actually cares but you noticed it. 

That’s all it takes really. For you to notice the small thing, for them to add up. For the cracks to start and the water to seep through. Except it wasn’t water this time, it was the thoughts, the ones that told you it would be easier to just leave. Not Katseye, or LA but earth. Find a painless way out. Take too many of those pain meds you have in your activities bag. 

The biggest crack starts to leak when the fans find out you’re a trans man. It wasn’t like you didn’t want them to know, as you were the one who approved the video that the label had recorded to explain Katseye’s rebrand. One from ‘Global Girl Group’ to ‘Global Group’, the change hadn’t been much of a change for HxG as they had Prelude now. Back on topic though, the vast majority had been supportive, changed your name in their usernames and moved on with their lives like normal people. 

Some of your fans weren’t normal people though. You’d, as a group, learned that when Lara threatened, or when people spread misinformation about Dani supposedly a trump supporter. Even though that couldn’t have been further from the truth. It had gotten to the point that any of their parents were having to speak up for their daughters. You didn’t have that benefit, you were alone and as much as the girls loved you, you made sure they didn’t see what you saw. They didn’t need the extra pressure of the transphobic hate you were dealing with. You could handle it. How you’d managed to block each of their accounts from seeing your hate you weren’t sure. Maybe your parents' manipulative teachings had been good for something.

So here you sat, on the side of the rehearsal as Grant and Sohey counted out the beats for the rest of the girls. Their feet sounding like drums in your ears as your eyes sweep over the comments. Most of them were along the lines of your ruining the group with the fact that you were trans. Saying that you were taking away from the already low representation of queer women. If you weren’t already in a bad mental spot, you probably would have laughed but you’re parents had reached out to see if you were quitting Katseye now, asking if you were ‘done embarrassing us,’ that you could ‘still go get your law degree from Harvard’ despite the fact that you hadn’t been in a school in nearly four years. On top of that, you’d finally be able to get on anti-depression medication. They didn’t work though, or at least you didn’t think they did but you’d been pushing your own limits recently. Taking more dangerous jumps, going out skating late. You’d even picked up one of your dismembered razor blades. You’d held it in between your fingers for a long time. Long enough for Manon to knock on the door, to ask if you were okay. It had scared you so much you’d nicked the side of your right hand. The cut leading from the flat side to the increasingly large burn from your cigarettes on your palm. 

It had itched something in your head. It quietened down your thoughts for a few moments. You watched the blood seep from your skin until you heard it hit the floor and Manon’s voice came back into your perception. You wonder now, if she’d heard the way the blade clanked against the tile floor. If she questioned why you sounded panicked when you’d responded. She never asked you about it, not when you’d rushed out the bathroom and straight out to your car. You had driven to a beach about two hours away, then you’d sit in your car until the moon shone in the middle of the sky. 

You’d began to lose sleep over the fact that your brain couldn’t forget the way it had felt. You couldn’t forget the way it had all gone quiet and it had numbed everything else. You hadn’t felt peace like that since you’d first taken piano lessons with your old teacher, before your parents fired her for promoting mediocrity. It was odd, feeling the numbness take over your body, watching the dark red drip from your palm. It wasn’t a pain you were used to, the pain wasn’t searing that turned into a dull reminder of what you’d done to yourself. Instead it just was sharp, then it stayed. 

After that discovery, it had begun to haunt you ever more. You’d hold the pain killers in your hand, tossing them around absent-mindedly. You’d even gotten to the point of having water beside you, to make the pills go down easier. To make it painless. You spent time thinking about how you were going to say goodbye, how you were going to apologize for the deed you were planning on doing. It wasn’t hard for you to actually get that plan started and written down in a locked document on your phone. It was simple really, your parents overly organized nature is what led them to having the fortune that they did. The plan was set up in three steps, one, spend time with the ones you loved, making sure to go see them, two write them letters make sure they know you’d never blame them, make sure they understood, three, get everything else sorted, all of the legal things that you’re parents wouldn’t care enough about to do that you weren’t going to put the girls in charge. Then you’d finally do it. 

Katseye took a brief break before they dropped their next ep, giving the girls and you just some time to do whatever in LA. You took special care to see them each on their own. You’d spent a day with Dani just driving around, letting her show you all the spots that you’d missed while you were brooding. You spoiled her and bought her like ten books that she’d been wanting to buy, it’s not like you were planning on spending that money anyways. You let Lara teach you about producing. The way her eyes lit up when you did what she’d wanted to do honestly was probably the happiest you’d ever made her. You then took her shopping, under the guise of ‘learning from the best’ when it came to style. She laughed, but still offered you clothing that she thought would match you. Megan was next, the two of you started out at the arcade, where the slightly younger girl destroyed you in any game you two tried. It was kind of insane actually. You’d ended the night on her couch getting your ass beat in ‘Super Mario Bros’.

You took Manon out to one of those art classes that neither of you really needed, but you both really enjoyed doing anyways, because you turned off your phones and focused only on the calming stroke of the paint brush. The two of you got into some deep conversations and talked extensively about her family. It didn’t mean that she missed the way you avoided her questions about your own family. Yoonchae was the last one of the Kat’s on your list. The two of you spent your weekend, watching whatever movies she’d loved as a kid. The original plan was what movies the both of you had loved but you’d both quickly realized you’d only been able to watch documentaries about the law. It had been lots of fun though, as she’d send you into these korean movies blind, refusing to explain the korean descriptions. Neither of you had quite properly moved from Yoonchae’s apartment’s couch in almost the entire weekend, and that’s what the two of you wanted. 

You honestly hadn’t been planning on giving Sophia anything, you were almost 100% sure that she wouldn’t care past the basic problems your death would have caused. She’d caught you on the couch in the rehearsal room sitting on the couch blank faced one night. She knew the boundaries you’d set up quietly, she wasn’t allowed to act like she knew you or that she could help you. She couldn’t just leave you like that though, so she bent the rules she’d set up for herself slightly. Carefully like she was approaching a stray cat, Sophia sat herself down on the other side of the couch. She didn’t say anything and you didn’t give any indication that you knew she was even there. At least for a few moments, then quietly you shuffled over and laid your head on her lap, face pressed up against her stomach. She could hear the way you were crying, using her as a way to muffle your tears. She hesitated for a moment, before carefully placing her hand on your head, threading her fingers through your hair. You tense for a moment before relaxing in her hold and letting her show you the love she’d never been able to show you before. The love she was able to show the rest of them. She’d asked if you were okay over the next hour but you’d never responded properly. After that hour, you pulled away, nodded towards her and grabbed your bag and walked out. 

Your last stop was Alysa, yes like that Alysa Liu. Took the world by storm with her tree inspired halo hair. She’d been your best friend since you were 15, since before you’d been in Dream Academy. The two of you had become friends just after she’d retired. Some horror games with proxy chat. You’d bonded over pressure from the world to perform. She’d been one of the reasons you’d made it through DA and she’d confirmed with you that she wasn’t crazy to go back to skating after two and a half years. You’d been each other's rock from afar for almost 5 years now. So before you did it, you wanted to see her. You booked the weekend off, and drove yourself down to Oakland, enduring the 5 hour drive because this was your best friend and she was one of the few people you told anything serious to. You’d met her at the rink, as you almost always did when you drove up. She was running through an old program for the fun of it when she spotted you.

When she spotted you, she broke off the expected path and skated over to you. “There he is.” She smiled, her piercing glimmering in the overhead lights of the rink. You tossed her her water bottle and she caught it with ease. “How was the drive?” She asked, stepping off the ice and putting in the skate guards that had been sitting on the boards. 

You chuckled, “A long ass drive that’s what it is.” 

She hummed before her eyes went over your face a few times, they settled on your eyes and you knew she’d noticed. “Revy.” It was calm but the tone conveyed exactly what it needed too. She knew you well enough to know this wasn’t a normal hang out. She knew the look in your eyes all too well. “What’s going on?” Her voice is serious and she’s leading you to an area where her coaches can’t hear the both of you. 

“Nothing’s going on.” You try and reassure her, but you both know it’s not working. 

Her eyes take you in again as the assumed seriousness settles into her. She looks at you like she’s defusing a bomb. “Rev..” It’s soft, like she doesn’t want to make you scared. 

But you’re not her, and you’d never be able to be as open with your emotions as she is. “It’s nothing Lys. Seriously.” You glance behind you and hope that the dread you can sense filling your eyes isn’t noticeable to one of the few people who can read you like a book. 

Alysa debates it for a moment, her brown eyes glancing over at her coaches who despite it all, are trying to pretend they aren’t interested in whatever the two of you were talking about. “Let me grab my stuff then let’s go to the beach, the sun should be setting soon.” It’s her offer of a quieter, less likely to ‘judge you’ environment. You nod because you know she won’t drop it, because Alysa Liu cares about her friends. 

It takes you about an hour to get to the beach because you both decided she should go home and change. You’d spent some time with her younger siblings, answering their questions about your life and Katseye in total. Once you do actually get to the beach you sit in silence for 5 minutes, watching the way that the waves crash into each other. 

She starts the conversation, not quietly, and not at all like she would have when she was 16. She’s sure of herself now, and despite the conversation you’re scared is about to come, you’re proud of how far she’s come. “Your mental health.” She states simply, watching the way you suppress a flinch. “It’s gotten worse again.” 

You don’t even hide it, you’re not even sure why you tried in the beginning. “How much do you interact with the eyekons?” You ask it, but you know the answer. 

“Not much. We both know that I’m not on social media much. I don’t really care for it all.” Alysa leans back in your passenger side seating. 

“You know that I recently came out to the public, right?” You ask, already prepared for the protective comments.

You hear the way that Alysa takes a deep breath. “Are they being transphobic?” She asks in a barely retained angry voice. 

“It’s just the regular, I just thought I’d be able to deal with it you know.” You comment softly, running a hand through your hair. 

“Them being transphobic isn’t regular, actually hate at all isn’t regular. You shouldn’t have to deal with that.” Alysa points out, and if she’d been talking about herself or anyone else, you’d agree but the two of you were talking about you. 

“We’re famous now Alysa, it comes with the deal.” You let out a dry chuckle, trying to fill out the awkward air of trying to explain your feelings. “I just need to grit my teeth and push through.” 

“Do the girls at least know?” She asks softly, you don’t even try to lie to her, shaking your head softly. “Fuck.” She says softly, running her hands over her face. 

It goes silent, and the two of you sit as the situation settles into both of your skins. “I’m going to take you home.” You say after 10 minutes of silence. 

Alysa looks over and nods. “You got a hotel or are you finally taking my dad up on the offer of the spare room?” 

You shake your head. “I think I’m going to head home.” 

“It’s a five hour drive.” She says softly. You mutter a ‘yeah’ and Alysa nods, seemingly giving up on fighting you about it. “Text me when you get home?” She asks softly, you nod. The rest of the ride to her house is quiet but the both of you hold hands and she won’t stop looking over at you in concern. 

When you got home, you started on step two and three respectably. The legal stuff was easier than the letters and only really took you a night to make sure it was all in order. The letters took longer to write, as you wanted each of them to have something meaningful, something positive they could remember you from. You’d never been a writer like that, much less a poet but you kept yourself working at it. 

Then the day had come, you were ready. You planned it for a night that both Daniela and Manon would be out of the house and would only get back when you’d normally be asleep so they wouldn’t check on you. But then Megan called to ask if you wanted to play this co-op game with her that she’d just bought and instead of swallowing those pills, you were grabbing your keys and heading towards your door. 

You were going to do it the next day as well, you’d thought you might as well do it, but then you and Dani got into a small disagreement and you knew your roommate enough that she’d blame herself for the rest of her life, if you died tonight, so you put the pills away for another day. 

The next time you’d planned to do it, Manon knocked on your door asking if you wanted to go to this new cat park with her and spoon. You hadn’t had the heart to tell her no, especially when she seemed so excited. 

The Friday after that you’d collected the things you’d needed again only for Lara to text you that her parents wanted you to come to dinner with the family because they missed you and you thought maybe you should feel the love of parents before you died. 

The day before your next attempt Yoonchae decided she wanted to go to the LA aquarium with you over the weekend and you didn’t have it in your heart to say no. 

It was odd, it was like fate, or whoever, knew what you were trying to do and was trying to stop it. You weren’t sure why you kept saying yes to their plans to hang out. Maybe some part of you, small but there, was trying to tell you that it needed to see what would happen if you kept showing up. If you kept trying. 

It was hard though. To listen to that small part of you when the world wanted you dead. It was like your own head was fighting with itself. The part that wanted you alive wasn’t winning, maybe it never had and you’d just never realized. 

You thought you’d give it another try, you took your car to your roof, the one only yoonchae knew about. You put your phone on silent and sat on that roof watching the planes and birds fly by. You listened to the classical music you’d grown up with, and hummed the lyrics you’d added to them when you’d been five. It was almost calming, knowing that the pain was almost over. That you’d be free soon. All it would take was to swallow the pills in your hand into your mouth and swallow. That’s all it would take and you’d be free from everything, from your parents expectations and neglect, from the hate, from the separation of you and the other girls, from the sense of overlooking doom. You’d be saved from it all, and all you had to do was swallow. You leaned your head back and tossed the pills into your mouth. Carefully you brought your water bottle to your mouth.

note: if you think i missed a warning please lmk like seriously

TAGLIST (35/50) -> open

You hadn't lit the cigarette that sat in between your middle and pointer finger. You had a rule that despite everything you kept to it. You hadn't even brought the cigarette to your mouth, it just teetered slowly in your grasp. Every once in a while you'd roll it between your fingers then stop and reset its position. You were not on a new roof top, you hadn't had the energy after your almost fight with Manon to find a new roof top. It's not like any of the girls would be able to follow you up. You'd only shown Yoonchae, and she would probably let you have the rest of the night for yourself. She understood you on that level. You couldn't be more appreciative of that fact before now.

Multiple thoughts floated through your brain. Some of them are regular, your parents' words, the ones of forced perfection. You'd remember them forever if you had to guess. They'd been planted and watered until you'd ran away for dream academy, even then they were still watered, just now by a different hand. your own when you realized who Sophia was; when the comparisons started. The new thoughts were the scariest though. They whispered about a part of yourself you'd locked away. Not because you wouldn't be supported. Your parents hadn't cared about that, for better or for worse. As long as you were alive for them to puppet, they didn't care how the puppet looked.

Your brain kept replaying the kind eyes and smile of the trans man you'd met when you'd gone to pick up a drunk megan. That smile, despite all its niceties, haunted your dreams. It was always accompanied by a hand reaching deep into your soul and grabbing a little locked box. One you'd buried back when your parents' words were the undoubted truth. That little box of knowledge had been plaguing you for far too long. It had practically ruined the rest of your break, making your typically hour long skateboard sessions with Spoon more like three hours. Your maybe twice a week roof visits daily, extended as well. It was all you thought about when you had the time. If you drew, you were drawing the way it made you feel. Which ended with a lot of oddly hyper realistic drawings of a small person trapped with your head, banging on the wall of what was supposed to be a cage of some sort. They wanted out, but you couldn't let them out. It was too much, to unpack, to deal with, too much at stake. Not just for you but for the other six as well. So you did what you've always done best. Conceal, don't feel. You threw yourself into work. Practicing what Sohey and Grant had told you too. Adding adjustments to the dance solo you were given to make them more you. You hit the gymnastic gym almost every day this week, working on old routines, bringing back the soreness in your shoulders until the owner himself would come kick you out.

You'd picked up more smoking again. You'd gone cold turkey during dream academy, willing to do anything to escape. It had worked, you suppose as you were in the group. Now though, you were on some rooftop rolling an unlit cigarette between your fingers like you were some pissed off mafia boss. You glanced down at your body and grimaced at the way it was built. What stuck out and what didn't. You thought about how your voice was deep but not deep enough. You let yourself fall back against the cement, falling away from the ledge you'd been sitting on. You moved around, leaning against the ledge you'd just been sitting on. You also put the cigarette away, you knew you weren't going to smoke it so there was no point of having out. Your fingers run over the rough texture of the cement, you're mind running through everything that's been running loops around your brain. Almost stalking your thought process like it was a wolf waiting for its prey to settle. You never settled though, that's how it would get you.

Before you could fall deeper into the depressive mindset you'd been spiraling into, you heard it. The telltale signs of someone climbing onto your roof. The creaking of the metal, the squeaks of the old bolts being weighed on, the scuff of a shoe. "Hello?" Your own voice scared you, you stood prepping to fight if needed.

"You need to find an easier roof to access." Yoonchae's voice broke through the silence. She was tired, that was obvious from the fact that she was panting.

"Chae." You rushed out, moving quickly towards the side she was climbing. "You shouldn't be doing this, it's dangerous." you offer her a hand, she takes it gratefully. It doesn't take you much effort to use your arm muscles to pull her body over the ledge.

Once she'd taken a moment to breathe, she looked at you. "You did it." She stated sharply but her eyes were soft. That's the one thing you loved about Yoonchae. She didn't sugar coat it with you, she brought the comfort after, after you knew what you were up against.

"I'm a professional." You argued, moving to sit back down with your back to which ledge called to your name.

"Professional emotion repressor." She huffs, sitting down beside you. Her eyes catch over your own, truly taking the time to memorize your dual coloured eyes. She grabs her bag and pulls out some burn cream and some bandages. You think for a moment before giving her your right hand. It's almost automatic the way she carefully rubs the anti-burn cream into. You two sat in the quiet silence you'd kept since dream academy, when you'd sit and google translate sentences to each other. You still found comfort in it. Yoonchae pulled the google translate out for hard conversations when English failed her. You still read and responded back, through google translate to reinforce the idea that she wasn't alone. Eventually, she grabbed the bandage and a cotton piece. She laid the cotton piece on your burn and wrapped the bandage around your hand slowly, carefully. Her movements are more thoughtful than they should have been. "What's up with you?" She finally asked softly.

"Les pensées qui me traversent l'esprit m'effraient, elles révèlent quelque chose que je me cachais à moi-même et cela va changer beaucoup de choses." [The thoughts in my head are scaring me , it's revealing something I've hidden from myself and it's going to change so many things.] You spoke softly. you watched as yoonchae's back straightened and tensed. The seriousness of the situation settled onto her shoulders.

She pulls out her phone and quickly finds google translate quickly. "Can you say it again?" You nod, repeating yourself into the microphone of her phone. Watching in real time as the machine translated it for the two of you. Yoonchae took a moment to read it, then another to process what you'd said. "What kind of things are going to change?"

You blink, willing the tear to not form. To keep them locked away like you'd been trained too. "Ca va me changer, nous changer, Katseye. Mais mon cerveau n'arrête pas d'en parler. Je ne peux pas échapper à ce qu'il me dit, Yoonchae, et j'ai l'impression que ça détruit ma vision du monde." [It'll change me, us, katseye. My brain won't shut up about it though. I can't escape what it's telling me, Yoonchae and I feel like it's tearing my understanding of the world apart.] You say it softly, like your world would fall apart if you were to talk any louder.

Yoonchae reads what was translated, taking a few moments to truly get a grasp on what you'd said. She mulls over what she wants to say, making sure to finish wrapping up your hand. Finally her deep brown eyes looked up at yours. "Is it making the world clearer?" she asks, resting a hand beside yours. Not touching but rather to tell you she's there for you.

Surprising even yourself, you grabbed her hand. "The scary part is that it's making everything make sense, Chip..." It was soft, and in english but the fear in your tone made Yoonchae's heart hurt. "It's connecting dots that I didn't know were able to be connected."

She gripped your hand tighter. "What picture is it painting?" She asks, rubbing her thumb over the edge of your right hand.

"I'm not me?" You offer your tone demonstrating just how confused with his brain at the moment. "I'm this version. their stronger, taller, their voice deeper." You pause and Yoonchae doesn't fill the silence. "I don't know how I want to describe it. I'm still with you guys but I'm not..." You couldn't finish the sentence. For multiple reasons, most of them coming down to the fact you barely understood what was being thrown around in your brain. How could you take gibberish and transform it to a proper sentence that anyone ever would be able to understand.

Your knees found their spot against your chest and your arms found their way around your legs. Yoonchae didn't seem discouraged by the fact you decided to stop holding her hand. The two of you stare out at the sinking sun for a few moments. Neither of you speak as it disappears behind the city line, neither of you check your phones despite the fact they've been pinging for the last hour at the very least. Slowly the younger girl leaned over and rested her head on your shoulder. "You said they." she says simply. "When you described them. You said they."

You look over at her vaguely, resting your head against hers. "What?"

"You said 'they', like you didn't know the gender of this other person." You blink, realizing that she was right. "If you have to imagine this person as a gender what would they be? If they have one I suppose." You think for a moment, ignoring the two words that immediately jump in your head, like they'd been prepped. Yoonchae doesn't take your silence to heart, she only continues her point. "Revy, I don't think that when you imagine yourself, the one you want to be, I don't think you see a girl." She says it hesitantly, like she's poking a bear.

You don't feel like a bear right now though. You feel like the 5 year old hearing your piano teacher tell you that she'll keep playing the broken piano as long as it still made noise because it still worked and broken didn't mean worthless. It feels like she's finally shown you yourself in a mirror that wasn't cloudy. Like she stripped the curtains back and all that was left is you. the one where you hide your true self from everyone, including yourself.

She continues, seeing the way your tears teetered at your eyelid before falling down your cheek in the quiet way you'd been taught to cry. "I don't know who they'd be, but I'd guess they aren’t a girl."

Your head falls in between your chest and your curled up legs, hiding it away from the world. "I think you're right, and that scares me. I'm going to have to leave Katseye." Yoonchae hears you sniffle and it reminds her of what she was like when she'd moved to America for Dream Academy. She wonders briefly if you'd ever been able to cry like this ever before. "I can't leave my home, Yoonchae. I can't go back." Your voice cracks and yoonchae's hands find your back, only for you to shrug her off. "I can't go back to them. I disappointed them enough. I can't pick that fucking title back up." If it had been any other member of Katseye, they'd probably be vaguely confused but it was Yoonchae. The one who'd been there when your parents had texted you for the first time in two years. She'd watched your face fall as you read the text, so painfully different than the ones she'd gotten from her parents earlier that day. She'd remembered the hours of extra work you'd put in to not have to have the title attached to your name. 

"I won't let you go back." She says softly, brushing your hair back behind your ear. "Neither will Manon, or Lara or Megan or Dani or Sophia. Worst comes to worst, Katseye is done and we come back as something better, stronger."

You shake your head. "You can't tell them. None of them, Yoonchae. The less who knows the better."

Her face twists into one of confusion. "Are you planning to live the rest of your life in hiding."

"I've done it before." You snapped, in that calm survival mode that Yoonchae's never seen before.

You seem to realize how harsh that was, raising your head to apologize only to find Yoonchae's most comforting face. "I never want to see you hide yourself. You're my older sibling Revy. I don't care how, but you are. You helped me when I needed it most, let me help you." Your vision of her blurs as more and more tears fall down your face. “I won't tell anyone, okay? It's your choice, I just want you to come to me if you need to talk."

You nod, leaning into her, and she happily wraps her arms around your shoulders. The two of you sit like that until the mosquitos decide you'll have a great dinner. Only then do the two of you actually start to get up and off the roof you'd settled on for nearly 4 hours. Once off the roof and waiting for the uber to take you both back to your place, as yoonchae decided she wanted to stay the night, you spoke again. "I think I'm your brother." You whispered, but Yoonchae heard you.

You know this because she squeezed your hand and smiled to herself. "I've always wanted an older brother."

TAGLIST (36/50) -> open

It started with an abnormal quiet apartment and a sassy cat. Not your sassy cat, Manon’s but she was gone and you were the only roommate in LA at the moment. Oh, it also started with a youtube video, one you went back to every time you were alone and your thoughts were too loud. Not one of comfort, you found that more in the physical arts. No, this was what almost most people in your life would consider the greatest day of your life. You've always had to disagree with that, mostly because the sense of relief that had washed over you as they’d announced your name. One that would have existed even if they hadn’t. The sense of dread that had settled in your gut that day as they announced KATSEYE didn’t help either. It was a constant now, spiking when KATSEYE as a brand and concept was mentioned.

It in no way meant you hated being in the group, the members of KATSEYE were your sisters and you would die for each of them. The act of performing on the stage, any stage of any size, filled you with this sense of accomplishment. It made the hours in the gymnasium as a kid so worth it.

You'd never quite figure out the root cause of the sense of dread was, not really. You had your theories, some more probable than others. Some, like stage fright, were pushed away immediately, because you'd been in front of increasingly bigger crowds since you were three and you were a natural. It's why they'd let you in after your audition, your ability to control a room, capture the attention of the crowd and direct it back to you and the others. That 'it' facture they'd been looking for. It was probably the only thing that your parents had passed down that you were proud of. 

When you'd mentioned the dread to Manon, she'd suggested it might be anxiety, that it wasn't uncommon for people to have some if not a lot. She'd then sent you Megan's way, citing that despite Manon having anxiety of her own, Megan would be the expert. Nevertheless, you hadn't gone to Megan and Manon never heard about it again. She wasn't particularly surprised about that, you were just like that. You had your negative emotions on lock and it was probably very difficult for you to reach out to her.

Going back to the quiet apartment and sassy cat. See you'd been watching the last 20 minutes of the finals of dream academy almost everyday since you'd dropped both Dani and Manon off at LAX. The term 'global girl group' playing like a broken record in your head. 

You'd tried to get it out earlier in the break. You'd drawn things describing how it felt, which only left you with images of people's slightly mutilated bodies. You'd crumbled those drawings quickly and burned them with Manon's spare lighter she left out on the kitchen counter consistently. Then you'd turn to parkour, thinking that maybe the adrenaline spike would be good for your brain. It hadn't worked and somehow Sophia had found out, which hadn't ended well as she'd called you at 3 am, her time, to tell you off for doing something so dangerous while nobody was really there to help you. Next was skateboarding,  you let the board take you around the less known streets of LA. It hadn't done much truly, but Spoon had apparently enjoyed the fresh air and sitting in your carrier backpack, which yes you had bought simply for this, don't tell Manon or Sophie. Nevertheless, Spoon wouldn't let you go a day without doing it, it was definitely for her own benefit but it was keeping you from falling into the pit you were teetering on the edge of. Lastly you tried the gym, not the weightlifting kind, but rather the one you'd grown up in, where you left with chalk all over your hands and your shoulders pleasantly sore. You ran through every routine you'd ever done for judges. It had worked, once. Until someone recognized you and asked if you were a part of that 'global girl group' and suddenly the broken record was playing again.

So now you were here, watching the moment your name was called, you remember the win had been bitter sweet, it was the biggest thing you'd won but just like every other time in your life, neither of your parents had been able to come. They were supposed to have been there, you'd checked the crowd at least six different times before it was go time. all under the guise of looking at the amount of people in the audience of course. Even watching back now, you can see the way you hesitate when they call your name 4th. You watch as Dani pushes you forwards with the proudest grin on her face. You'd seen that some many times, that you'd gotten desensitized to seeing yourself up on that stage specifically. 

Spoon settles on your lap happily, seemingly enjoying the heat of your laptop. you pet her a few times as you watch the video again. You'd pinpoint the part that made the dread spike. It was the broken record words. You grumbled and shut your laptop, which Spoon didn't like much as she glared at you. It wasn't very scary as she could fit in the palm of your hand but you got the idea she was trying to get across. "I know, I know." you ran a hand through your hair, it got stuck a few times on some of the knots but you didn't mind. You placed your laptop haphazardly on your desk and flopped down on the bed, Spoon hissed slightly but still settled on your chest.

"It's weird." you started, not to anyone particularly or maybe it had been for Spoon. You weren't sure, it didn't matter really, as the response was the same, the silence. "I don't think I've truly felt happy." you shook your head. "Happy is the right word, content might be better." you ran a hand over Spoon’s fur, trying to ground yourself. "Content, yeah let's go with that, why don't we Spoon." The cat looked up at you, only responding to the use of its name. "Promise not to tell your mama about this?" you asked, mostly trying to prepare yourself for your conversation that you were going to have with a fucking cat. You suppose the cat wouldn't judge you for being 'weak' though so maybe it was a good thing.

"I wonder what it feels like for Dani or Lara, you know." Spoon shifted and you took that as her understanding the basics of what you were saying. "I know they get insecure about their bodies too, but it never seems to settle on their shoulders the way it does for me." You close your eyes and take a breather. "It's not even my body as a whole, it's the specific parts that make me want to rip my skin off and shove the rest of my body in a blender until you can't tell that it was once me." Your open window creaks painfully loud and you cradle Spoon more, hoping that she won't run away because of it. You had a feeling that you needed this time, even if the person you were talking to was your roommates cat shared with her best friends.

"The other girls get so excited to see their dresses for events. Even Chip who's almost as masculine leaning as me in her style. I just hate them all, the designs are objectively good and they fit in the way they should but they accentuate my hips. Sophia noticed once but took it as me just not liking the dress." You feel something wet slide down your cheek, when you go to wipe it, you're surprised to feel that it was a tear. How long had it been since you'd actually cried?  "Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to be a part of a boy band, but when I think about it's not me. Well not exactly me, it's a version of me, yes, but he's taller, stronger." You choke up and Spoon raises her head to check on you again. "He's a man and he's comfortable, he laughs with his peers. He'd do all the things I know I can do now but won't because I'd hate myself." you feel a few more tears fall off of your eyelid and slide down your cheek. "He gets given these suits and they fit his frame perfectly. His performance outfits wouldn't be so." You're not even sure what word you want to use. It doesn't matter anyways, because the person you are talking to is a kitten who's never had a thought in her life.

"Sometimes it's not even another group. Sometimes when I think about it, I'm performing with the girls, I'm this man version of me and they're still themselves and their nice dresses." You pause for a moment and pet Spoon again. The tears are rolling at this point but you don't care about it. It's not like Spoon is going to snitch on you. "I'm still in this group, with my girls. It's like the only difference is that I'm a man and all the things that come with that. I think I'm happier when I imagine those scenarios, because I don't have to lose them."

Your phone dings on the edge of your desk and you think about checking it but decide against it.  Naively, you think that it might be your parents apologizing for ghosting you and not telling you that they'd cancelled their flight to LA for your break. But you're not eight anymore and you know realistically you haven't truly crossed your parents' minds since you moved at barely sixteen. You're not sure why you've regressed into wanting scraps of their attention. Maybe, it was during the tour when Manon's mom took time off work to fly to new york, it had probably given you hope that they'd show up to your hometown show. They hadn't of course and because you'd never mentioned that you had been practically born and raised in Seattle (other than one year in France), none of the girls had questioned why your parents hadn't shown up.

Your phone dinged again and Spoon took that as her sign to run away. You wiped your face of the tears still streaming and sat up. You shuffled out of your bed and slinked out of your window onto your fire escape just outside. Vaguely in the back of your brain there were dots that were being connected but you couldn't care less. The fresh air cleared your head slightly, removing the sickening feeling you'd always gotten from being vulnerable.

Your phone rings after five minutes and you grow. It definitely wasn't your parents now, as they were never ones to put in extra credit when it came to you. You pulled yourself back into your room, making sure to close the window behind you. You crossed your room quickly making sure to not step on the grey blur zooming around your floor at the moment. When you picked up your phone you noticed that the person calling you was none other than Emily. You smiled automatically at the goofy photo she'd set as her profile background.

When the call actually connects, you notice how loud it is. Emily is audibly talking to someone who isn't you. You played with your skateboard wheel while you waited for Emily to turn her attention back to you. After a moment, her voice came through the speaker in your phone. "Revy, you there?" she asks, although there seems to be a layer of concern in her voice and you wonder if she somehow could tell from the way you'd answered the phone that you'd been having a bad time.

"I'm here." you respond, your voice raspier than normal, but Emily didn't comment, which is something you'd always appreciated about the blonde. "What's up Em?"

She takes a breath, talking to whoever she'd been saddled with at this party. "Meg had too much to drink." Your head drops and you let out a little laugh. "I can't drive since I also had some, and I'd-"

You cut her off, already putting on your favourite hoodie and grabbing your keys. "Text me the address. I'll be there soon."

There was a vague groan on Emily's side and Megan's voice cut through the speaker. "is that Revy?" her slurred voice spoke out. Emily must have given her phone to Megan, because her voice was much closer this time. "I feel like I haven't seen you in forever." The slightly younger girl practically whined.

"You spent a month and a half seeing me every day all day. You should be tired of me." You joked, patting Spoon on the head and slipping out the front door, locking it behind you.

"You're one of my sisters, Reverie. I'm always going to miss you." The dread settles deeper in your gut despite the kind words that Megan is passing on at the moment. Despite it, you laugh softly at the use of your full nickname instead of the shortened form. That meant she was serious about it.

"You're my sister too Meg." That seems to satisfy the Chinese girl as she hands Emily's phone back to it’s owner. "Send me the address, I'm getting into my car right now."

Emily lets out a breath of relief. "Thank you, Adela isn't home right now and my girls are back home, you were like the only option left."

You let out a fake shocked gasp, pretending to be offended. "Is that all you see me as, a driver, an uber?"

Emily let out a good natured laugh, and encouraged Megan to take another sip of water before responding to you. "The last one I trust, that's for sure."

You smile softly as your car pulls onto the road. "I'm on my way, please keep her away from more alcohol and drugs."

That's when Megan pipes up from her spot somewhere close to Emily, having apparently heard what you said. "I didn't smoke tonight." She seemed weirdly sad but also proud of herself for that statement.

It only took you 20 minutes to get to whatever part that Megan and Emily had been invited to. You knew that you were on the right street when you couldn't find parking until the end of the street. When you'd made it back to the house making all the noise, you noticed that it was surprisingly clean in the front of the house. In fact the noise seemed to be contained to only the inside of the house. When you got to the front door, you tried to open it, only for it to be locked. You tried again only to get the same result. For a moment you felt dumbfounded, then the door opened and a smaller man looked at you. He was wearing a fairly see through shirt and the reason it caught your attention was because he seemed to have top surgery scars. Your heart picked up speed while you processed the information in front of you.

"Dude?" A deep voice cut through. "I know my pecs are great but can you not?" He asked, his tone was teasing but the warning was there.

"Fuck, sorry." you answered. "I just don't think I've actually seen top surgery scars in person before."

He seemed surprised. "You know what they are."

"I'm queer." You state.

"Doesn't mean much. Why do you know so much about the FTM community?"

You think about it, you've always been interested, you can't argue that. It was the Trans community as a whole that had caught your attention but the FTM subcommunity had really spoken to you. "I'm not completely sure, I just felt something special about it." You explained.

He nodded like he understood, his eyes softening like he was seeing you differently than he had a moment ago. “Like you felt seen?" He asked, his eyes weirdly comforting. You go to deny his statement, call it ludicrous but it sticks in your head in a painful way. Like everything was beginning to make sense. "Enough about me, what are you here for?" He asks, checking over his shoulder at something.

It shocks you back into a functioning mode. "Um, I'm here to take Emily and Megan home." He nods and opens the door wider only for Megan to come stumbling into the entrance way of the house with Emily behind her. Megan notices you and runs towards you in one of the most ungraceful you'd ever seen the dancer move. "Hey Meg." You said quietly as she'd fall into your arms. You wrap your arms around her, and adjust so you could carry her weight. Once she settles against you, muttering the words to gameboy under her breath, you look up at Emily who looks much more together.

She waves as she approaches. When she passes the man she nods. "Our ride is here, thank you for inviting us."

He nods, then he turns to look at you. "Get them home safe okay? Oh and think about what I said. It might make some things make sense." He said before closing the door on the three of you.

You turn, letting Megan go once she starts to struggle. Once she's out of your arms, she's taking off towards the grass and laying down. "It's cool here, Revy."

You look towards Emily, who has the same fondness in her eyes as you do. "I'll go grab the car please make sure she doesn't do anything stupid." Emily flashes a smile and moves to join Megan on the grass.

While you walk back to your car, the guy's words replay in your brain over and over. He was right, it would explain so many things. The broken record, the dread, the lack of comfort, the imaginations about being a man. Slowly, as you walked, things clicked into place. It wasn't perfect but it caused the dread that had settled in your gut two years ago to lift slightly.

TAGLIST (31/50) -> open