#whyhernotme

her mother's fingers played with the end of her curls as she looked into her daughter's eyes. there was warmth or any trace of love towards shiloh, "you've always been hard to love, and it's why it's best for you to stay alone, shiloh."

shiloh hadn't said a word during the drive to hxg company building.

it was starting to get concerning.

the only time shiloh did say anything was when she greeted the driver and simone while she climbed into the backseat of the car next to simone but said nothing afterwards— it worried her manager immensely.

she's only known and worked with shiloh for a few months, but she is not yet used to shiloh being this quiet, as this was a side of the younger girl she had yet to witness. however, she also knows the moments when she needs to be pushed— and when it's best to leave it alone until shiloh tells you herself when she's ready.

this is one of the moments where pushing may lead to shiloh shutting down completely.

simone made a note in her phone to remind her to tell her assistant to send that list of highly recommended therapists in the area to her personal email. she meant every word about caring about shiloh and her well-being.

meanwhile, shiloh was replaying the talk she and ryujin avoided. both were afraid of the possible outcomes that would come from it and what it could mean for them and their friendship in the future.

ryujin knew from the moment she laid eyes on shiloh when they met while katseye was touring in korea that she wanted to get to know her better, and the feeling grew exponentially from the many conversations— and all the flirting ryujin did— when they started working closely together behind the scenes.

she got to see why many people considered shiloh to be some kind of prodigy when it came to songwriting— the girl had a way with words and knew what to do to make you feel how she felt while writing.

ryujin was intrigued.

—she was in love. and hadn't known it yet.

didn't understand it— until it was too late.

the moment ryujin knew her feelings were deeper than she realized was at the party hxg had thrown to welcome her to the label— seeing shiloh smile, dance, and have fun stirred up feelings inside ryujin that she had just mistaken for admiration— then the kiss happened.

that kissed changed everything for ryujin— and for shiloh.

ryujin knew in that moment that her feelings were much more than just her being attracted to her— it was not just a crush. and shiloh— she has always, and still is, oblivious to others' perceptions of her due to her parents and can't grasp that anyone could actually love or want her. what she thought was harmless flirting was no longer harmless.

it terrified her.

because she knew that— shiloh knew—

even now shiloh was afraid to admit to herself. regan had said it through their texts, and shiloh shut down after it was brought up— she didn't want to think about it. didn't want to acknowledge it. it was too much.

shiloh and ryujin both believed and told themselves that the kiss didn't change anything between them and everything would go back to normal for them.

ryujin flirtly with her relentlessly.

shiloh being flustered by it and not knowing how words work.

normal.

they continued their normal—and safe— dynamic all the way til the meet and greet turned sleepover in shiloh's home, where everyone proceeded to witness what regan always says in their group chats and regular conversations: how much shiloh babies the youngest members of katseye and now sage. —everyone but halle was too scared to make fun of shiloh about it, though.

but something…shifted between ryujin and shiloh that nothing.

the only person who didn't realize it was shiloh but ryujin did. she knew something inevitable was about to happen between them, and instead of fighting it or ignoring it like she's been doing— she'll just let it happen.

and it did.

ryujin was still awake when sage had come back downstairs; she could tell from the redness in her eyes that she and shiloh had the long and overdue talk about their parents.

when twenty minutes had passed by and ryujin still hadn't gone asleep— she didn't know what possessed her to do so, but she went upstairs to shiloh's bedroom, and everything started off normal— they talked.

neither woman was aware of the subject shifting away from what they were originally discussing. they were talking about how things were going with ryujin's album when there was a long pause after another question thrown ryujin's way that had shiloh thinking the other woman had fallen asleep sitting up like she's done before, but then she heard ryujin whisper, "i can't get you out of my head shy…"

shiloh said nothing.

ryujin continued.

"i think— i've tried everything to not think about you, and in doing so, i think about you more than it consumes me wholly, shy..."

shiloh remembers the way her fists were tightly gripping the covers— can even feel the softness from them in her hands now. that night shiloh didn't know what to do or what to say that would be of any comfort to her friend.

she feels...something for ryujin and has known for a while that she does.

but there's also a part of shiloh that she has not addressed yet or wants to acknowledge that stops her every time, and because of that, shiloh does not want to lead ryujin on or give her hope for something that could ruin their friendships.

or me ruining her—

you're so hard to love, shy—it's why you'll be alone—

more was said— both agreeing that what they're about to do would be a one-time thing and maybe— maybe— this would get it out of their systems, and afterwards they will have a full, honest discussion about it all and what it means for them and their friendship.

ryujin truly believed that them sleeping together would get her to finally move on and stop shiloh from consuming every part of her because this has happened several times before where she thought a crush was really just physical attraction, and then she would move on from it.

or that's what was supposed to happen.

when ryujin was fully awake in the morning, two realizations hit her all at once.

she had slept with shiloh.

—and her feeling about the other woman did not go anywhere.

it wasn't physical attraction that drew her to shiloh, and it's not just a simple crush.

ryujin's feelings for shiloh are real and stronger than she originally believed.

and that scared her.

by the time shiloh had woken up, ryujin was gone and downstairs. they went into avoidance about what happened between them that night ever since. their normal dynamic returned— but it felt forced, and none of their friends had caught on to it yet.

ryujin saw that them avoiding what happened that night could potentially make things between them worse— she feared her eventually resenting shiloh if they didn't talk about it.

well— they talked. ryujin bared everything to shiloh— admitted that she's liked her for a lot longer than she realized. how she knows just how frightened she is of letting herself be loved, but shiloh also told her that she does have feelings for ryujin and that it would be so much easier for them to be together, but she knows that if they would try, ryujin would start resenting her.

"because of sophia?" ryujin asked her. shiloh went rigid at hearing the name.

"so you're ruining whatever we could be cause you're too afraid to move on," ryujin said this without malice; the words came out so softly, but shiloh still flinched visibly.

they had talked more— shiloh apologized for leading her on in any way, but ryujin stopped her, telling her that she shouldn't blame herself for something she did on her own free will.

it ended with ryujin saying that she needed some space and to be alone for a moment, that she knows shiloh has a meeting to go to, and that she'll text when she's ready to be around her again. "i'm not ending our friendship, shiloh—it's only— it's a temporary pause until then— i can't…"

she didn't look at shiloh when saying that.

not once.

shiloh wanted to give ryujin everything she ever asked for— wanted to let herself be loved by her. —but it would be fake— forced. she's simply not ready, and ryujin deserves someone who's not stuck forever in the past and can't emotionally move on from it. maybe she would be someday but right now—

you're hard to love shiloh— is this what mama meant by that?

now shiloh's in the backseat of a car with her manager staring at her anxiously as they are driven to the label's main building— and to that meeting room where she sat two years ago, only this time she wasn't there to be kicked out and replaced but for something different.

simone reached out and put a hand on top of shiloh's, rubbing calming circles on the back of her hand with her thumb in an attempt to console her and letting her know that she was there for her. she didn't know what exactly caused this kind of quiet from shiloh but simone's not going to sit here and let the younger girl suffer silently— not while she's around.

she didn't even look up from her phone when she shiloh turned to look at her— shiloh wanted to thank the older woman for what she was doing but was afraid that she was going to blurt out something embarrassing or worse— start crying. probably sensing the building emotions through the physical contact, simone squeezed her hand

shiloh shifted her gaze away from simone to the car window, leaning her head back to rest against the seat while she looked outside and smiled softly to herself— she really was a big softie like the assistant said she is. shiloh made a mental note to ask her what it is simone likes before the day is over with.

—simone's hand stayed on top of shiloh's hand for the remainder of the ride.

her hands were shaking.

shiloh's hands hadn't stopped trembling since they entered the building and hadn't stopped while they were being escorted to the elevator— if anything, the trembling got worse.

she was scared. no— shiloh was absolutely terrified, and it showed.

it showed in how she would look over at simone with these wide, pleading eyes. shiloh knew that this meeting was inevitable and needed to be done— but that doesn't lessen the fear going through her body just by being in this building and knowing where they're going. shiloh did not want to go into that room— she did not want to remember that day.

i need to move on.

i have to move on— i have to—

they had arrived to the meeting room, and while everyone else had gone inside already— shiloh was just standing there staring at the door. shiloh had the urge to turn around and run out of the building or start screaming, and maybe that would stall this from happening— or they'd send her directly to a hospital for another psych evaluation.

simone had placed a hand on shiloh's lower back to encourage her to enter the room or let her know she was still there, and shiloh almost ran then because it startled her.

"i'm going in— i just need a little time..." shiloh said. simone nodded her head, understanding completely why the other girl did not want to enter into the room where you were told that you're being kicked out and replaced. and she had a theory that this was done by missy and hxg on purpose because this meeting could have been done in another part of the building, but instead this one was conveniently chosen.

a power play, that's what it is. they wanted to make sure shiloh knows her place still and rattle her. simone thought. the disgust she already had for this label continued to rise steadily.

shiloh took a very calming, deep breath, fists that wouldn't stop trembling were curled tightly to her side as she steeled herself. she was scared— terrified even— but she wasn't going to let hxg or missy know that because she knew that was possibly the reason why this damn room was chosen in the first place and, before she could talk herself out of it, walked into the room and almost passed out on the spot when she saw manon and sophia— her eyes had immediately gone to them. just like their eyes had locked on to her when she came into the room and stayed when she sat in the chair opposite them across the table. shiloh had lowered her gaze to the table in an attempt to slow down her racing heart—

she did not want to dissect the reasoning behind why that continues to happen whenever the two of them are in close proximity to each other.

the tension was already noticeable in the room, but it became near suffocating the moment shiloh's eyes were on the table— everyone was holding their breath— waiting to see what or who would break the tension.

but when shiloh looked up, this time her eyes went to yoonchae and megan's with the latter sending a wink and finger guns her way. shiloh tried and promptly failed to contain her snort of laughter.

hearing her laughter, even a small one, lifted the tension in the room— yoonchae nudged megan with her arm, but there was a smile on her face, which made megan grin even bigger. lara and daniela both put their heads down to hide their own smiles from showing. lara's shoulders shook slightly— she was definitely laughing. even manon and sophia had to hide their grins behind their hands.

it always started like that in serious situations— megan does something, shiloh tries not to laugh but does anyway, followed by yoonchae trying to reel the two of them in before joining in because of lara laughing and daniela dragged in because of her making eye contact with either megan or shiloh and she ends up laughing.

sophia's usually already laughing.

and manon fit right in with the ridiculous of them all.

simone took notice of what just happened— how easy the chemistry was between all of the girls.

she filed that down for later.

for now simone has to go into manager— and protective older sister— mode. if hxg and missy won't protect shiloh, or even the girls, then she has no problem doing it herself.

in the span of thirty minutes missy managed to actually talk about things that were reasonable in their approach— mostly because she knows that she's walking on a very thin line due to the agreement she and hxg had with shiloh about her having full control over everything in her career. missy found a loophole to get shiloh back— shiloh used it to her advantage. simple.

missy stated in complete detail about what it is that she and the label want and what they meant when it came to shiloh's agreement about her involvement with katseye and admitted upfront that they had left out some key details on what it is she'll be doing.

shiloh immediately turned to simone at what was just said— the older woman's expression was unreadable, but judging from how she stiffened, simone was none too happy at what she just heard. she shouldn't be surprised that details were kept, possibly due to them knowing that simone and shiloh both would have either shut it down right away or made some adjustments that worked more in their favor.

"i think everyone in the room knows that shiloh's return has brought lots of engagement and excitement for the label—" the sentence brought out different reactions around the room: shiloh made a face, lara and megan both rolled their eyes, and simone raised an eyebrow— shiloh has learned whenever she sees her manager do that, it is because she's currently contemplating if jail would be worth throwing something at someone. yoonchae just closed her eyes and sighed— she knew that they would do anything but give shiloh the credit she deserves. daniela side eyed missy and then shook her head— manon and sophia made the same face as shiloh did— a simultaneous look called, 'what the fuck, missy?"

shiloh made that face quite a lot when she was with the band whenever missy spoke to them.

"it also brought on some questions and some— hope concerning katseye and shiloh being in the same place as each other. —which is why we think shiloh should be more hands-on involved with katseye's third album—" everyone, but simone and the girls, nodded their heads because they all figured that shiloh was going to be involved in their third album. but it made them wonder, what did they mean by keeping some details away? "we also think shiloh should be involved in the writing and instrumental process if you're— 'comfortable' with it, that is."

the room stilled.

shiloh just stared at missy, eyes slowly widening as realizations started to hit, but before she could even conjure up a thought, missy added on, "the 'surprised guest' we had mentioned to the girls will be shiloh as the featured artist on a song, followed by a collab with the girls and shiloh as a special bonus for the fans—think of it as her being like a seventh member of the band."

sophia's head snapped over to missy— she knew missy was going to pull something, but she never would have guessed it was going to be anything like that because she knows— sophia knows shiloh would not be comfortable at all being in the same space as her— her and manon to be exact. she may desperately want to apologize and be near her again, but not like this, not when it's basically forced on her.

when no one said anything, however, missy continued, "before shiloh's unexpected— exit— " manon flinched. sophia's jaw clenched, and she looked down at her clasped hands in her lap. "—riot games came to us about creating a virtual band and wanted a few of our members, but because of the unfortunate timing of what happened, that fell through, but now with her back, they came to us again with the same idea, and we've accepted."

simone eyes narrowed at missy— she should have better prepared for this. she should have known that as soon as missy had enough time to recollect and think, she would pull something that would force shiloh into places she's not yet comfortable.

"the members that are joining— who would they be?" simone asked. voice clipped as she stared straight at missy. she had a feeling that missy was just going to wait until the last second to let both the girls and shiloh know.

"well— shiloh of course, is one of the members…along with lara—" well that's not surprising; lara has a beautiful voice, so it makes the most sense she would be included. "sophia, manon— and ryujin."

shiloh's stomach dropped.

ryujin.

ryujin and sophia.

in the same room and possibly sharing the same stage because there's a high chance they would be asked to do the song live.

but missy didn't stop there— she apparently had more surprises she wanted to throw at them when they'd barely recovered from the news she had just delivered.

"the fans have made it very clear how they'd like to hear shiloh sing with katseye again— but they seem to really love the idea of hearing her sing with sophia again—" missy glanced over at manon, then slowly brought her gaze to shiloh. "and they would like to hear the former co-lead sing with the current and seeing as this is something that the fans want and shiloh accepting being involved with katseye—"

she's not going to suggest what i think she is—

"shiloh will collaborate with sophia on one song and another with manon. we've already talked to the studio to arrange timeslots for the recordings, and we'll discuss more later with manon, sophia and shiloh seperately about how promotions will work, as today is all about shiloh and katseye working together, and anything further that needs to be discussed outside of this and what can be worked out, send me an email or call me, and we'll talk this over," missy said as she looked directly at simone, making sure the other woman knew the last part was for simone.

simone hadn't kept her from missy through the woman's entire explanation, while missy divided her looks between the girls—mainly sophia and manon— and shiloh, though she tended to keep them primarily on shiloh as if she wanted to see how she specifically reacts to any of the information she told the room. shiloh had sat back into her seat, eyes lowered to her hands that were in her lap because she knew— she knew what missy intended to do and still wasn't properly prepared for it.

it made simone's eye twitch.

"only if shy— shiloh agrees. " everyone's head turned towards sophia, but she was looking at missy, "if she agrees, then shiloh, manon and i choose how we get to do the promotions— and the girls want to interact with our fans again and promote our third album our way, like we did before. you can make suggestions, but all of us get the final say."

"when it comes to the songs— the songs lara and i wrote from before— they will be the ones i record with them, and we get the final say on which ones will be on their album," shiloh said before missy could respond.

"missy are you telling shiloh she's collaborating with me and sophia or asking her? you phrased it like she has no choice in the matter when she should. " manon pointed out. "we know the fans want it, but the decision should be hers to make, and then we either scrap it or let her decide who she wants to sing with."

everyone in the room knows exactly what the fans want because of how loudly they are on social media about it. fans have been saying even when shiloh stopped posting that they've wanted to hear her sing with sophia again and how they would like to hear how manon and shiloh's voices mix together— some have even posted audios on tiktok where shiloh and manon's voices are isolated and mixed together just to hear it. manon herself would love for it to happen, but still it doesn't shiloh should be forced to do it.

because of how vocal the fans are on social media, everyone in the room knows exactly what they want. even after shiloh went dark on her public socials, eyekons continued to express their desire of hearing her sing with sophia once more and how shiloh's voice would blend just as well with manon's or how all three would sound together, with some even making audios where they've mixed their voices together on tiktok just out of curiosity.

manon would love for it to happen and has wanted to say something in agreement whenever fans brought the idea up whenever the girls went live— her mind usually went blank because then they drifted to never-ending thoughts manon did not want to deal with back then, but the thought never changed. however, the thought still remains— the fans and manon may want it, but shiloh shouldn't be forced into doing it.

shiloh's should make that choice because she wants to do it.

the choices have been taken away from her enough.

missy's jaw twitched; there was a flash of irritation before she caught herself and looked down at her notes. —but shiloh caught it. there was a lot of things missy most likely expected, like feedback, questions, and even a little bit of pushback. missy wasn't expecting all the girls to be on the very same wavelength or unified in a way that seemed natural. too natural.

but the girls had more to say. sophia speaking out first seemed to have created a domino effect.

"— i want to address the fans about what happened recently," lara said. she looked around the room nervously before her eyes landed on shiloh's— this time she didn't look away from the older woman in shame or guilt. "shiloh shouldn't have had to be the only one to say anything— i need to say something as well. " lara wanted to say more, but she would have rambled out an apology, but it would have been manipulative— very manipulative. an apology shouldn't be done where there are people around and it forces them into accepting the apology, and lara does not want to do that. she rather it happens when it's the two of them and it just— she just wants to talk to her. even if she doesn't forgive her for what happened two years ago— and with sage.

simone stepped in quickly before missy could say something that would derail the girls from speaking more. "i think it is high time that the company does something to protect the girls better because from my and fans' points of view, the label does nothing to ensure the girls' mental health or well-being is being taken seriously. all of them deserve better than what you've given them."

shiloh had to fake a cough to cover up the laughter that bubbled up because of the look that missy currently had on her face— the brief look of irritation was no longer brief— it was full-blown, and shiloh really wanted to laugh in her face but controlled herself enough to not do so, and with the meeting winding down, considering that everything that needed to be brought up and said was done— she also did not want to be in this room longer than necessary.

but apparently— missy wasn't going to let things go that easily.

"yes— i have been taking steps to ensure the girls and shiloh would be better protected and have arranged for mental health professionals for the girls whenever they need them so the girls wouldn't go through a crisis," missy looks directly at shiloh as she says the rest, "we wouldn't want another incident where a mental health episode sends one of our girls into a hospital for several days— right, miss boudreaux?"

the silence that came over the room was deafening.

simone clenched her jaws so tightly that she was shocked that the pressure didn't cause her teeth to crack. she was already aware of the attempt because shiloh herself told her about it, and now she was disgusted by missy callousness.

lara's eyes widened, looking back and forth between missy and shiloh it started to click in her mind.

daniela's eyes darkened. she was furious— but not at shiloh. no— she glared angrily at missy.

sophia eyebrows furrowed, confusion written over her face as she tried to understand what it is missy meant.

what does she mean? hospital— did shiloh— no. shiloh wouldn't… she wouldn't… snoopy what did you do?

manon and yoonchae however, knew exactly what missy just implied and both looked over to shiloh.

for shiloh, the room stilled, and she immediately felt how crushing the silence that came after missy's words, she stared, unblinkingly, at the older woman for so long that her eyes began to sting.

the one thing she did not want anyone in the room to know about— knows.

yoonchae knows.

yoonchae knows.

they know.

shiloh turned her head slowly, looking at yoonchae, face paled, with wide eyes that were now filling with tears, and what she saw hurt even more.

yoonchae looked absolutely crushed. "unnie…?"

you're so hard to love, shiloh.

a/n: im so sorry this took so long. my break from school started back and i've mainly been working night shifts so i've been tired and overwhelmed....also i dont really like this chapter and it's been deleted and i have started it over repeatedly and i still don't like it but here we go! pls forgive any mistakes

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mama i'm chasing a ghost.

there are several different meanings to the name shiloh, it means 'peaceful' or 'tranquil' or 'his gift,' but there's another meaning the name can be translated to, like 'the one whom it belongs to,' depending on how the name is used. the name can be used for girls just as it could be used for a boy— for shiloh, the name means something else entirely.

shiloh's name came with a history that she never knew about until she had gotten older— and even now she questions herself on why she had not changed both first and last names the moment she legally could. the name was first used by her father, josiah, younger brother, and then his and mama's firstborn son, whom they had affectionately called 'jj' before it was given to her.

shiloh carries the name that belongs to the dead.

her uncle had the name first, and for 21 years he carried the name— until his life was taken away. by his own hand. shiloh's mother, shai, was pregnant with their first child and, in their shared grief, decided that their newborn son would carry his uncle's name to honor him.

for six years, jj carried the name shiloh. it was his. jj was a hyper, playful child who became excited to learn he was going to be an older brother and would constantly run up to his mother so he could place his hand on her stomach because he wanted to feel where the baby was or kiss her stomach before he ran off to go outside and play.

everything was fine— good. safe. the darkest period of josiah and shai's life gave way to a blessing in the form of a 6 year old boy full of life.

until it was taken.

jj was outside playing when everything went wrong. shai only took her eyes off of him for a brief moment, and when she turned back, she saw his small body trembling violently on the ground, and by the time shai ran to him and picked him up, he had completely stopped moving, nor was he breathing. at just 8 months pregnant, a month shy of the due date, the shock of it all caused shai to go into early labor. shiloh was born in the aftermath of the death of her brother— and then given his name.

sudep. sudden unexpected death in epilepsy was the cause of little jj's death, which is what was told to josiah by the doctors. they didn't understand how it could happen, believing they had it all under control as their sons' seizures were slowing down to the point they had stopped giving him his medicine.

what josiah didn't disclose to the doctors, or to his wife, was that jj had several back-to-back seizures in the span of minutes that day that lasted longer than the ones before it. shai was in her room asleep after being told by her doctor that she needed to rest more now that she's in the later stage of pregnancy.

what did shiloh's father do after seeing his oldest and only son having back-to-back minutes-long seizures?

nothing.

josiah had done absolutely nothing.

once he saw jj slowly coming back to his normal energetic self— josiah let his son resume his playful activities as if nothing had happened.

now he's gone.

leaving behind grieving parents and a sister who will carry on his name the same way jj did.

a name that now comes with a significant weight and responsibility because it was named after two people that shai and josiah loved deeply; the only way they could keep the memory of their son and josiah's younger brother alive was by giving it to the newborn baby girl that came into this world a few hours after her brother's death.

why would parents do such a thing? how selfish can one be? these were the questions both shiloh's maternal and paternal grandparents recited to their grieving children, but they were set in their ways and would not change their names.

now shiloh carries the burden of a name that had belonged to two people she's never met. both ended in tragedy. one by his own hand— the other was taken from them just as suddenly.

i don't know who he is.

shiloh's parents had become different after her birth. they became more cautious, careful, and exceedingly paranoid —or quick-tempered in josiah's case— about how they could stop their daughter from sharing her brother's fate.

josiah started to get rid of any reminders of their son from the home. it was a slow, painful process that continuously drained his sanity and will to live.

some items were kept, like his bed— that was one of the things they couldn't bring themselves to remove— a few of his clothes, books, and a bear that jj picked out to give to his baby sister, "it'll protect her from the monsters when i have to take a nap." josiah wanted the bear to be thrown out, but shai fought against it and even threatened to walk out with shiloh and never come back if he ever thought about touching the stuffed animal.

jj's bedroom was right across the hall from what become shiloh's nursery.

her crib was eventually moved to their bedroom— shai had become fearful of not being able to see shiloh or be near her and would constantly wake up in the middle of the night to make sure the baby was still breathing.

josiah kept his distance from his daughter.

because the older shiloh got, the more she carried and reminded both of her parents of the two people whose name she now bears. she had the color of her uncle's eyes— and she looked almost identical to jj.

shai and josiah would also become highly restrictive of their daughter and keep her inside the home most days. watching her every step and checking to make sure nothing's wrong. doctor visits were frequent to make sure there was nothing wrong with shiloh because if there were and they missed it— shai barely slept through her first months out of fear that she would wake to find her baby in the crib not breathing.

they would tell themselves that they do so to keep her safe.

shiloh couldn't go outside for long periods of time, and having friends to play with was a possibility, but they would have to play inside the now gated front yard of the boudreaux home and she was prohibited from going over to play with kids at their homes or outside of her front yard.

that rule was broken several times. shiloh has always been a clever child even at an early age.

shiloh was allowed to play and have fun; shiloh had plenty of toys to keep her occupied and happy. but she was lonely— shiloh knew the meaning of loneliness before she could even pronounce the word itself.

no child's supposed to know that. they're not supposed to know how absolutely crushing being isolated feels, except shiloh knows. she knows it so well that when she got older, loneliness became her first true friend.

as shiloh grew, she had grown accustomed to each sound in the house and how different they were from one another. she knew the difference between what her mama was doing in the kitchen and what her father was drinking that day— she could tell if he was drinking water versus when he had alcohol by if he used ice or not. if she heard him opening the freezer and placing ice cubes in his cup— shiloh would call it the 'bad day' and would avoid him.

shiloh was only four when she started doing this.

she also started to realize and could tell the difference in her parents' footsteps and their scents— mama was careful, cautious, and gentle with her steps. josiah footsteps were loud and harsh; she could tell he was coming by how loudly his boots hit the floor and how shiloh could feel the floors would shake underneath his feet. shiloh could tell what mood he was in just by how hard his feet were against the floor as he walked.

shiloh associated lavender and honey with her mama because that's what she always smelled whenever she was near— that scent used to mean home and safety to her.

josiah scent was strong and overpowering, and it made shiloh not want to be around him sometimes. even during the moments where he actually acted like a loving father and not the shell of a man who could not look his own child in the eyes.

her parents then made the decision to move them from louisiana, too many memories resided in that city, which both wanted to be away from and start over in. josiah believed that moving would keep shiloh safer and maybe death wouldn't come for shiloh if she was no longer there.

so the family of three moved from louisiana to california.

shiloh was five when she moved to a new city and a new neighborhood— it was also where she had first met her, the girl that now lived across the street from her own.

she remembered the day when the family had moved into the empty house; it was a few months after their own arrival, and it was that very day josiah had taken her from the yard of their neighbors next door— he had been furious with her for disobeying him and leaving where he couldn't see her. she had watched from one of the windows downstairs in the living room, and that's when she saw the other little girl. she could see that they were probably around the same age, and her lips were moving as if she were talking to someone. curious, shiloh raised the window up and peeked her head out lightly to see if she could hear her, and that's when she could hear clearly and realized that the girl wasn't talking— she was singing. shiloh was fascinated.

until the girl turned her head towards shiloh's direction, and shiloh nearly hit her head against the window with how quickly she moved to duck down and hide. shiloh waited a few seconds before sitting up some to peek out the window again— only to find that she was still looking.

shiloh had run off because the girl had smiled and waved at her.

sophia. her name was sophia.

they were friends and did everything they could together within the restrictions that were placed on shiloh— didn't mean she abided by them.

and for awhile shiloh no longer felt alone.

then sophia had to leave. her family was moving away, farther away than shiloh could reach.

that was the first heartbreak she had ever experienced.

everything seemed to be shattered afterwards.

shiloh's birthday had come and gone; she had turned six years old with little acknowledgement.

no cake.

no presents.

no one sang to her while hugging her.

just empty looks from josiah and avoidance from her mama.

that's when her parents started screaming at night. mama's quiet and careful footsteps have gotten louder, quicker— like she was always running.

josiah footsteps still sounded the same, but they sounded heavier whenever he was close to her bedroom, where shiloh laid hidden underneath her bed, teddy bear pressed tightly against her chest as she listened to his loud footsteps.

then the screaming started again—

josiah carries a guilt inside of him because of both his brother's and son's deaths.

once upon a time, before he and his wife ever got together, shai did not love or even think of josiah in that way— because it was all towards his brother. the two had been friends for years and had loved him just as deeply throughout those years but said nothing, not knowing he had felt the same for her, and this caused the first crack. the second came from josiah entering the picture, and he had always known about his younger brother's love for shai but saw that he was too cowardly to admit it.

so josiah pursued her instead— shai recipricated. but that wasn't what broke everything— that was just the second crack between the three— no that came when the brother did confess his feelings. not knowing that how his older brother was pursuing her and told her how he felt and asked the question she'd been wanting to hear for years.

shai rejected him. thinking that he was only doing so because another man, his own brother, wanted her. shai and josiah announced they were together the next day. shiloh had left the following day.

calls, letters, and messages from both josiah and shai were ignored. years had passed by before he finally made an appearance at a family gathering— he had looked different. the boy who could light up the room with just a smile was now a man whose light had left his eyes but still had that smile that can bring out your own. the family had heard how he and his fiancée recently suffered the loss of their child from stillbirth just weeks after learning it was a boy and that he came back home after spending time with her parents at the suggestion of his and josiah's mother.

shai could not stop looking at him, and the feelings she thought were gone came rushing back. anyone in the room could see the longing in her eyes whenever they landed on him.

josiah noticed.

and after seeing shai look at him in a way she never looked at him, he decided to be sure to remind everyone, especially his brother, how he won in the end as he looked his little brother directly in his eyes as he made the announcement that he and shai were expecting their first child. a boy.

he watched as what little light in his brother's eyes dimmed away completely.

shiloh was gone by the end of the night.

they learned of his death months later from his late fiancee.

the guilt stayed with josiah—

"i can't look at her— i don't want to look at her because all i see is my son in every little thing she does. my brother's eyes stare back at me when she looks at me, and i can't— she is not a person but a walking reminder of what we lost."

that next morning, josiah was gone.

shai had found shiloh underneath her bed, fast asleep, hugging her teddy bear tightly to her chest. she didn't know her daughter had crawled under her bed moments after she tucked her daughter in because she had gotten scared hearing all the screaming and of josiah saying that shiloh prescence 'haunted' him.

after josiah left them, shai knew she had to step out of her zombie-like trance to take care of both herself and of shiloh and after thinking it over, she made the frightening decision in letting shiloh attend school and be around children her age. shai had seen the isolation slowly consume her child over time, how she shut down completely after the little girl from across the street had moved away. shiloh was only a child; what possessed her and josiah to stop her development due to their own fear?

shiloh was enrolled in school the next month.

the teachers had told shai that she was a bright student and excelled in her classes and gained a very particular and intense interest in anything music.

however, the young girl was behind socially.

shiloh was indeed a very shy, quiet child. she'd play with her classmates, but because of how she was isolated and alone during the six years of her life, she had preferred to play or do activities by herself. apologized for things that weren't her fault— flinching whenever someone walks too hard or too loudly where she could hear, hiding behind her hands when the teacher yelled to get the children's attention or quiet down. shai was asked if she was comfortable with letting shiloh speak with a professional and involve her in peer groups, or would she rather a teacher do one-on-one time after school?

shai had denied the help. saying that shiloh's fine and just needs time to adjust to being in school and around children her age.

several months had passed since the conversation, and shiloh still hadn't adjusted well enough to her environment, her teacher decided to implement more music time into the students' daily routine, and when she saw how much more comfortable and confident shiloh became, the teacher would give her lessons after school that revolved around music.

music was the second friend shiloh had made after the loneliness— it was the friend that would save her.

mama i'm chasing a ghost, i don't know where he is

the years passed with shiloh coming more out of her shell, but her introverted nature continued to be prominent. shiloh and her mother also became closer, and for years, it was just them against the world. there wasn't a time when she had believed that mama wouldn't be there and didn't know what life would be like if she weren't there anymore.

seeing that shiloh's interest in music never wavered, shai started to look for schools mainly known for their music programs and was recommended an all-girls charter school that was mainly known for it and immediately enrolled her into the school.

josiah never made an appearance back into their lives, but he was still financially obligated for shiloh and sent financial support every month since her seventh birthday. and if it weren't for his pictures in the house— shiloh would have forgotten his face.

but she did remember his footsteps— the harsh smell of his cologne and the way he used to look at her. like he was seeing someone else and not her.

shai never talked about the past, and the room that was across the hallway from shiloh's bedroom always stayed closed. shiloh has never known what was inside that room— she has only seen her parents go inside and stay in there for hours or sleep in it. but whenever they weren't in there, the door stayed closed.

there were times when it was opened and she could hear her mother inside, but shiloh would always back away and head back downstairs, remembering the conversation she had with her mama and that she shouldn't enter that room.

"some ghosts— don't have a need to be known— sometimes you just have to let them be."

shiloh never asked what she meant by that, but she had stayed away from that room since then.

throughout the years, shiloh noticed that her mother started looking at her differently.

would look at her like she wasn't supposed to be there at times.

or would look over her as if she weren't there. the times when she would look shiloh in the eyes and flinch— she just flinched and backed away from her.

shiloh was 11 when she came to a horrific realization. about the relationship she had with her mother— how shai felt about her.

she kept it to herself because she never wanted it to be true— that it was just the passing thought all young girls tell themselves when the relationship with their mother changes. how does one cope with a painful realization?

shiloh was 13 when the realization turned out to be true.

birthdays have never been a thing for shiloh because they were never really acknowledged. sometimes she would get a happy birthday, but most of the time it was just ignored. so when she came home the day of her birthday, shiloh expected it to be the same as always, her mama sitting down in her chair reading with music playing softly in the background. what she wasn't expecting was to see her mother in the dining room, telling her happy birthday while holding up a cake with candles.

shocked would be an understatement to how shiloh felt in that moment because she immediately sensed the shift in the air— shiloh knew something was off. shai has always been a serious woman, and there has maybe been a time where she was happy and showed it— but shiloh has never seen it. she's rarely ever seen her mother smile…even towards her.

—but shiloh was still a child. a very naive child.

this was all she had wanted— for her birthday to be acknowledged and celebrated. for once shiloh just wanted what she'd witnessed other children had for years and never got to have.

she never cared to have a cake or even wanted presents— shiloh just wanted to be acknowledged. loved.

and now her mother was giving it to her.

until her mother told a truth she's been holding for years about her daughter.

they were sitting outside on the bench in the backyard and looking up at the stars— this was the first time shai had joined shiloh as this was something the young girl did on her own every night before going to bed without fail, so this— this was an even more special moment to shiloh.

shai had turned to look at her daughter, eyes shining with unshed tears; she brought a hand up to place an escaped curl behind shiloh's ears. she had a smile on her face— a smile that never reached her eyes. "i never loved you…"

there it was— the truth. the horrific and devastating thing she had realized when she was only 11 years old was being told to her by a woman who was supposed to love her with a fierceness that only a mother could have for their child.

her mind flashed back to

but her mother wasn't finished. she kept talking like she hadn't just shattered her child, "death is the only reason you are here— and you take it with you wherever you go. in your eyes, your face— and your name. death has cast a shadow on you since the moment you came into this world— you were born to it. the quiet, cold nature that's within you. you're hard to love, and it's why your father left us— i hope me telling you this has brought you comfort, shiloh…sorry if it doesn't."

shiloh said nothing as her mother effortlessly destroyed her with words, thinking it would bring her child peace with how she had been raised and why josiah was no longer here.

they were afraid of losing her.

so afraid that they stopped themselves from loving her in the way a parent is supposed to.

and of her.

every time they looked at her face, they saw their son jj, and whenever they looked into her eyes, josiah's brother stared right back at them.

her expressions, the way she moves. everything she's done reminded her of the child and man that were brutally taken from her. shiloh has been living in the shadows by both the appearance and name of two people she's never heard of or known.

and she was being punished for it.

mama i'm chasing a ghost. do i look—

the next morning, shiloh got up for school as if last night never happened. as if her mother hadn't emotionally decimated her with her wording.

shai had always been someone who chose her words carefully, as she never wanted to be misunderstood when it came to saying what it was she wanted to say.

when she said something, she meant it.

every single word.

that morning— shiloh left without a word more being said to her from her mother— when she left for school, shai was in her chair, reading, music playing softly in the background.

nothing's changed for her mother. shai carried on as if she had never told shiloh she never loved her.

she had expected things to be the same when she came home from school, but as soon as shiloh entered the home— she knew.

shiloh knew when she walked in and didn't hear music playing in the background.

knew when she walked upstairs and saw the door to the room across from hers was opened.

knew when she went into her parents' bedroom and saw that all of her mother's belongings were gone and there was no trace of her anywhere in the room— like she was never there in the first place.

shiloh didn't cry.

she couldn't get herself to.

she had learned to shut off her emotions and the ability to feel when everything started to hit her all at once. she's done it before and will have to do so again. like now.

shiloh went into her room and saw a note on her computer desk, and beside it was a thick envelope.

shai left her a note explaining that she had been in contact with her father for some years now and didn't know how to tell shiloh without hurting her. the letter continued to explain how shiloh no longer needed her and that she had become self-sufficient enough to do things on her own— that she was sorry. sorry that shiloh looked too much like her little boy when she was younger, and now that she is older— she started to look nothing like him anymore and is now simply a symbol of what he could have been if he had lived, and how she now started to remind her of the brother josiah lost and why she had to leave— but her husband and his new child needed her in more ways that shiloh ever did, and she was now old enough to take care of things on her own.

proud of who you'll become, though i have never loved you in a way a mother should to their daughter… you became harder to love the older you got when you stopped looking like my son.

the enevelope next to the letter was money and a debit card. the card was in shiloh's name.

do i look like him?

her parents room was a mess by the time shiloh could find what she was looking for.

she had no clue what it was she came looking for once entering the room, shiloh just knew that there were more secrets that could possibly be held in this room that she needed to find. there was no reason for her to tear the room up like she did, and she could have easily found what she was looking for if she had the patience— but tearing through everything made her feel a little better.

shiloh sat amongst the destruction after finding what she was looking for— a journal.

josiah's journal.

it detailed everything in his life, but she didn't care enough to know anything about him— she didn't want to humanize a man who rarely saw her as human.

she flipped the pages until she came across a picture— a picture of a man that bore somewhat of a resemblance to her father, but that's what didn't catch shiloh's attention. his eyes did— along with the name.

shiloh.

his name is— was— shiloh.

my brother's eyes stare back at me when she looks at me…

was shiloh ever just a daughter to them? why would they give her a name that came with such a heavy history?

lost a brother and gained a son.

named the son after the lost brother, only for the son to become lost as well.

lost a son— gained a daughter.

daughter lives— but in the shadows of deaths that shaped her life due to two grieving people who refused to let go. shiloh living must have felt like a punishment— jj died unfairly at six. shiloh lives past it.

gain a daughter—

abandon the daughter.

i don't look like him…

i've passed my uncle in age, and i'm older than my brother ever got to be...

shiloh was only 22, had only been so for a few hours that night. the thought had passively come to mind as she stared up at the ceiling from her bed.

—her bed in the hospital, that is.

regan was with her and finally managed to fall asleep on the couch after a nurse had come in to check on shiloh's vitals and could see for herself that she was still alive.

unsuccessful suicide attempt.

"—was wandering around on a highway at the dead of night—"

"—walked into on-going traffic—"

"—there were a lot of prescribed drugs in her system... her stomach needed to be pumped—"

"—lucky she was barely recognized— brought in by the driver and her husband— said they watched her from across the street while getting into car—"

that's what she heard a doctor tell missy while she was in and out of sleep— or consciousness, if one needed to be technical.

shiloh had forgotten that the bun lady was technically still considered an emergency contact and forgot to remove her from it because her brain had been in a fog for months, and before this— she was doing so well, or is that what she deluded herself into thinking? shiloh's done it throughout her life— protecting herself from the truth so it wouldn't break her further than she already is.

lying to herself was just a normal thing for shiloh, and one day, she had gotten the bright idea to check twitter.

the regret was immediate.

seeing the pictures, the hate comments, and dms had sent shiloh into a dark spiral where she had forgotten where and who she was. it felt like it was worse than before— where she saw the photo of them kissing and shiloh had shut down. this one— this one felt different from the beginning.

it was always going to lead up to this.

—and yet, shiloh managed to survive it.

shiloh took a day or two to recover because of how exhausted her body was, and she was awake and lucid long enough for missy to tell her that she would handle any medical bills, medication, and treatment care should she accept the offer for it. missy made sure to point out the media or the public in general does not know what happened and that the couple who brought her to the hospital have signed an agreement to not say anything.

hours later, once missy had left and shiloh was essentially forced to do a psychic evaluation with a psychiatrist to determine whether she was mentally stable enough to function, those weren't the words that were used by the woman, but that's pretty much what shiloh got from it.

regan had stayed throughout everything in the hospital. the only time she's been out of the hospital room was because she had to leave and get a change of clothes and another phone charger— shiloh's been unable to look her friend in the eye because she thought about a conversation they had a few weeks ago. how she told regan that she was fine— that everything was fine and she was doing better.

she wasn't. shiloh had already started thinking about an 'exit' plan long before and was thinking of it while talking with regan.

now she doesn't know how to face her and is now just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

you can be very hard to love, shiloh.

when regan had returned with clothes for shiloh, apologizing for taking too long to get there because she smelled like a hospital and needed to shower it off.

shiloh was sitting up, looking out of the window; she thought about yoonchae— what she was doing and how she was doing right now. shiloh doesn't know where her phone is and knows that it's probably filled with missed calls and messages from the younger girl.

i almost left her—

regan sat down on the hospital bed, careful not to do anything that could cause her pain, and after a moment's hesitation, covered her friend's hand with her own.

shiloh turned her head away from the window and towards regan, eyes shifting down to regan's hand lying softly on top of her own— she hadn't expected regan to stay.

"— i had a brother— he was only six when he died. i have his name—" shiloh whispered, eyes filling with tears. her eyes never left from regan's hand over hers. " i was told by my parents— mostly by my mother— that i looked like someone she loved, and it made me hard to love because i stopped looking like him and now— i don't look like him anymore— do you think—"

shiloh stopped speaking. regan's hand tightened over hers.

the apologies spilled out of shiloh quicker than she meant to. regan was trying to get her to stop, but shiloh couldn't because she had tried to leave her, and she wanted her to know that she wanted to stay.

shiloh tried to leave regan and yoonchae like she had been left. but in death.

regan would tell her months later that whether shiloh liked it or not— no matter how mad the two could be at each other or argued. she will never leave her.

the two also came to a silent agreement to not tell yoonchae what had happened. ever.

it'll just hurt her more.

shiloh still keeps the pictures she had found of both her uncle and jj. she kept them in a box of old things she brought from her childhood home— the home she now has legal possession of but hasn't stepped foot inside of in years.

she still catches herself looking into a memory and tries to see if there are still traces of him in her features— and finds nothing. the only thing that could be considered left behind that would remind anyone that knows of her family and of the brother she's never known was her smile. shiloh smiled with her entire face in the exact same way jj did; she remembered how shai slammed her hand on the table one time when she saw her smiling at the tv— she was only six years old at the time; it was months after josiah had left.

she was just a child watching a cartoon that made her smile, but even then, smiling was too much for her mother to deal with.

shiloh's always thought that maybe if she minimized herself enough, maybe shai would love her again, and that would have made her stay.

maybe if i styled myself better— stopped doing things that reminded her— she would have stayed with me. was a thought that constantly played in her mind that night when she made her 'exit' plan.

it took a random conversation with yoonchae and regan to accept that nothing would have made her stay and the fault lay with her parents and only them.

"they made you live in the current of ghosts that were never yours to begin with, shy... and that's on them, not you. never you." yoonchae told her. she was lying down with her head in shiloh's lap— she had started coming over to shiloh's home more and wouldn't exactly explain why. shiloh had a guess as to why, however.

when yoonchae said nothing else, shiloh had assumed she had finally fallen asleep, but the younger girl softly said, "you don't look like him—"

"hmm? who do you mean?" you know what she means.

"him— your brother. that was just another projection of grief your parents placed on you, and they forced you to carry it until you believed it…it wasn't fair for the two of them to do that to you…"

shiloh was speechless.

regan had hinted at the same thing weeks ago when she showed her the pictures— her eyebrows had furrowed, and she had looked up at shiloh once but at the time kept what she wanted to say to herself, only saying that he favored shai a lot.

that night shiloh stared at her reflection in the mirror again— had she always looked at herself only from her parents' point of view and not her own?

before she could spot numerous similarities between her, jj and her uncle. shiloh and her uncle both have the same eye color— but so does her mother.

shiloh and shai have the same shade of eye color, while her uncle had more of a blueish tint to his. if there was someone shiloh shared more of a strong resemblance to— it was to her mother. she, jj and shai all smiled the same, except shiloh has dimples. had it always been like this?

that night shiloh felt lighter than she had been in months, years even. but only about her family and the tragedy that was tied to the name she carried and was going to change.

she's not changing now, nor will she ever do so because the name is hers.

shiloh may have been named after two people whose deaths impacted them so that their grief became their identity and crutch— but that doesn't mean she lives with the projection of guilt they placed on her just because she's alive and lives with the name, the chosen name they had given to her.

i am not their guilt— i am not their grief.

not anymore.

a/n: this was a lot of a chapter to deal with that i had to take several breaks from because of how heavy it is. like him by tyler the creator and unsteady (erich lee gravity remix) by x ambassadors was on repeat while writing this chapter.

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