#whydoidothis

-The Crows are going to become honorary/distantly operative members of the Soldalt Sol

-Kaz and Nikolai are just going to be best mates! The best there will be. It will be Mal and Nikolai relationship but Kaz will attempt to carry out his murder threats, which marks the difference. And he won't be doing the same girl. (because both Mal and Nikolai have done Zoya, don't lie to yourself Nikolai definitely has duh)

-Jesper and Tamar are gonna be good friends

-Nina will have already met Tolya before somehow

-Matthias will hate Tolya for no reason

-Inej will be at Alina's fake funeral and will be sad

-WYLAN

-Jesper & Wylan weird on screen tension shit

-Wylan will start to crush on Jesper

-Jesper will think Wylan is Milo brought back to him in human form

You had been dating Shawn for about 6 months, and every minute was magical. When his album came out he came a very busy person, as you could imagine. He had interviews, concerts, photo shoots and you just came alone for the ride. Watching Shawn perform was a whole new experience. He was so passionate and energetic, it was intoxicating. One of his shows turned out different. At least, the after party did. You spent a large portion of the night on the dance floor with Shawn. Your hands trailing up his chest or your hips moving in sync with his. It was some of the most fun you’d ever had, until she showed up. His ex. She was as beautiful as ever and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t envy her grace. Camila tapped on Shawn’s shoulder, when he turned to see who it was his face paled. 

“What are you doing here?” His hand let go of yours as he spoke, you felt a pang in your chest.  

“Can we talk?” 

His mouth gaped, “Uh..Yeah,” Shawn turned to you, “I’ll be right back.” 

You nodded hesitantly before he went off with the gorgeous singer.

_____

It had been ten minutes and you couldn’t wait any longer. You trailed off in the direction they went, checking every door, until you found them. You could hear their voices through the door. You didn’t want to be snoopy but you were just so tempted to know what they were talking about.

“I miss you,” Her feminine voice spoke.

“I miss you too, Cam.”

Excuse me?

Your furrowed your brows and kept quiet to hear.

“Tell me you don’t want me and I’ll leave,” Camila stated.

There was a pregnant pause, “I can’t say that.”

“Then say what you can, Shawn,” she persisted.

“ I think it's time that I be honest , should've told you not to go Thought I knew just what I wanted, I didn't know myself at all”

You were in shock, the fuck did he mean?

“ It was time for me to finally meet somebody new. Take her to all the places that I took us to, and she might help me forget, but loving her is something I could never do. Because I had you.”

And that was all you needed to hear. Tears flooded your vision causing you to hit the door, definitely alerting them of your presence. 

“Y/N...?” Shawn called out as you ran away from the door.

__

The house was long and it took you a few minutes to get outback where everyone wasn’t. Sobs escaped your lips, your breaths shallow. Footsteps ran up behind you.

“Y/N..” Shawn’s once comforting voice spoke.

“I don’t want to hear it,” You whimpered turned so he couldn’t see the pain he caused you. 

“How much did you hear?” He asked.

You scoffed, “Enough, Shawn. You wish you didn’t let her leave, You wish you were with her, you said you would never love me!” 

“I’m so sorry-”

“Does everyone in the room fade away when you see her? Do the sounds of the outside world become faint when she speaks? Does your heart flutter at the mention of her name?”

He stared silently, as if asking how you knew.

“I know how you feel because that’s how I feel when I’m with you.” Your cries softened but the tears didn’t falter. 

“Because, I hate you. I hate how much I love you. How much this is all I’ve ever wanted. And learning that it’s completely one-sided and always has been... It hurts Shawn, God it hurts so much.”

“I never wanted to hurt you,” He gently said. 

You laughed humorlessly, “You just admitted to Camila that you wish she was with you, that you never asked her to leave. That you never felt anything for me and never would because you’re in love with her!” 

Shawn sighed, defeated. “Yeah, I am.” 

You looked away, not being able to bear the sight of your boyfriend confessing that he was in love with a girl he had never dated. 

“Goodbye, Shawn.” You went to walk by him. But he grabbed your arm.

“So is that it?” He asked, clearly saddened for some reason.

You nodded, “I can’t be with you knowing you’ll never want to truly be with me. It was nice knowing you, have a nice life, Shawn,” and with that you left.

__

The broken heart never healed, it took years of waiting but you never got over the jackass who broke your heart and lied. And it wasn’t fair. 

I can’t learn to love someone else, because I had you.