#whyami

I didn’t really know how to feel about it at first, but once I figured out it had nothing to do with him I started to feel really bad. Not cuz me saying no was wrong, but I didn’t think he would take it so personally. And no, before anyone accuses him, he didn’t try to guilt me, or force me, or anything bad. This is a no projecting zone! He was actually really thoughtful and sweet about how he prepared a dinner and candles and all the other cliche stuff (which I still liked and reeeally appreciated!) but when we got into bed together, it just didn’t feel right when he did anything... and I when I realized whatever switch he has that gets “turned on” just isn’t in me, he wasn’t upset or anything.. just sad, and I guess he thinks there’s something wrong with him. I still love him, but I feel really shitty and selfish for not being able to share that with him - even if I know that’s stupid. It just sucks :(

I’m afraid that because I don’t know my full personality, others won’t either, and I’ll be misunderstood.

I can define my avarice, I can count it while keeping my tongue behind my teeth. Measure its quiet weight inside of my chest, taking up occupancy between the bones like its been there since the beginning. 

I realize now that biology will break you if you allow it. The clench in your stomach, the gritting of teeth. The stirring beneath your skin will surely send you somewhere, make you starve for the sin, leave you wanting. Have you believing the lie- That you can’t live without satisfying this ache. Bridging the gap. Filling in the blanks.