it is both hilarious and deeply validating to me, in the face of fandom's tendency these days to concern-troll about how discussing things you don't like is ✨️self-harm,✨️ that like. a few months ago i started measuring my HRV and heartrate every day, for reasons unrelated to fandom, and lo and behold they have both not been in great shape, because i am very ill and under huge amounts of physical and mental stress.
(for those who don't know, HRV stands for heartrate variability, and refers to how quickly and efficiently your nervous system is able to signal your heart to speed up or slow down in response to stimuli. a lower HRV than usual means your body is struggling to pump the brakes and slow your heart down after a round of exertion is over or a stressor is gone; it's impacted by/an indicator of heart problems, acute illness, PEM crashes, anxiety, PTSD, lack of sleep, etc. and it's a good idea to keep an eye on it if you can.)
.....and recently i noticed. that i was starting to get better scores than i have been for a while.
like 'within the last week or so' recently. as in, after i took the plunge and started talking publicly and at length about starb, with an eye toward nuance and articulating what about it was so upsetting and how that differs from good-faith portrayals etc etc.
and after looking back over my records, i realized that every day i have done that--even with other major stressors still going on in my life, in the background!--my HRV has SPIKED, and my baseline heartrate has been like 10-20bpm lower than usual. we're talking levels of improvement on par with, or surpassing, factors like 'hydrating really really well' or 'getting enough sleep.' that is INSANE.
it's almost.... and hear me out here..... it's almost like hiding and repressing your feelings for the sake of ~building a positive environment~ is really really fucking bad for you. it's almost like it has an actual measurable lifespan-altering impact on your health, and insisting people cause themselves lasting harm to make your fandom experience more comfortable and convenient instead of having good-faith discussions about how to share your spaces is selfish, inconsiderate, and cruel.
anyway tl;dr i have a doctor's note that says i need to bitch about fictional media to live or my heart will wear itself out by the time i turn 30, shut up about self-harm and own the fact that what you're really complaining about is decorum and your own comfort.
