#whiteallies

How to UNmake a Pink Pussy Hat, part one

I know, it’s a difficult thing to create something or be gifted a handmade present and then unmake it.  But people are hurting, and we can do something to ease their pain.  Let’s tackle it together!

Step one: Take a photo of your pink pussy hat.  Take many, if you’d like.  Just like we’ve learned for decluttering, once we have a pic we have it forever, and we can get rid of the physical object.  Take a moment to relish warm memories and say goodbye.

(Aw, you’re a sweet hat.  My friend made you, and I who can’t crochet or knit added the cute kitty face.  It’s a nice collaboration.  I love my friend.  I love that my embroidery skills are good enough to add a kitty face semi-competently.  Though I didn’t finish the eyes, because I was falling asleep on a plane on the morning of January 20, 2017 by then.)

Step two: Find an end and start unravelling.  Begin with your last end.  If you get stuck, use your Special Scissors to help you out.  Everyone has Special Scissors, mine are from my Grandma and may have been made at the very beginning of last century.  Whoa!

(I would love to say that I stopped loving the pussy hat the first time I heard that a fellow feminist was upset by them.  Unfortunately, not.  I loved the pink pussy hat for being The Great American Craft Project, this thing that so many women made for their fellow feminists, individual and unique symbols of love.  Retaking the whole concept of Pinkwashing as a power color, and maintaining the bond with felines, an animal closely tied to femininity for so many centuries.)

Step three: Lose the details.  Any finishing touches that you added to your pink pussy hat will be difficult and fussy to undo, but with patience and time you can wiggle them free.  It’s okay to use Special Scissors or other tools to help.

(The whole concept of pink pussy hats as a transphobic/white-woman-centered symbol confused and frustrated me for a full year.  Sure, the word “pussy” is a sly reference to some genitals, but it’s pretty odd to think of mainstream middle-aged white women walking around with their own vulvas/vaginas on their heads by the millions.  Besides, taking pride in bits that can’t even be uttered on the Senate floor is a radical, empowering act.)

Step four: When urged by friends, take a break.  This is difficult work!  Snuggles and discussions to work out what you think you know from the lived experience of others is vital.

(Some months ago, I talked to a very good friend who’s a white trans woman, and she felt mixed about the whole issue.  To paraphrase, she agreed with me that no symbol of womanhood will be 100% universally loved, and added that trans women are not a hive mind- some hate the pussy hat, some love it, many have mixed feelings like she did.  She also pointed out that some trans women do have vaginas.  But ultimately, if marginalized people are feeling hurt, we should listen and immediately stop hurting them.)

Step five: Sometimes the unmaking goes slowly, and you have to pick at it from a different direction.  There’s definitely more than one yarn-end in your hat, so if one doesn’t seem to be doing much, pick up another.  Yes, a hole in the middle might open up and look weird.

(I took the conversation I had with that trans friend and held up all the parts of it that agreed with me- confirmation bias at it again.  So, okay, PINK pussy hats may hurt people, but I also have one in the colors of the Bi Pride Flag- just a tiny bit of pink, mostly purple and blue.  That’s okay, right?)

Step six: Keep checking in with friends, setting the work down when it starts to frustrate you is the difference between a perfectly unmade hat and a tangle of knots and cut ends that you’ll just have to throw out.  Stopping and resting is so important.

(A previous white woman blunder I’d made online had given me a very important key.  I was a member of a PoC-led activist group.  I saw two discussions happening on social media at the same time: one in a larger activist group where PoC and transgender people kept saying, “this is why the pussy hat hurts me” and being shouted down by angry white people.  The second discussion was inside that PoC-led activist group, expressing their despair that white people were just not listening to their cries of anguish.  Whoa.  What was hurting more than the initial pain was being ignored and silenced by white feminists.  Ohhhhhhh . . . I know that feel!)

Step seven: Eventually, you will find a thread that pulls easily, and now things will move quickly.  You may be tempted to rush at this point, but you still need to move steadily to reclaim the most yarn for a different project.

(Then I looked back to the disparaging remarks various PoC/trans friends had been saying about the pussy hats. I really plugged them in with that anguish being expressed all over the internet.  And the thing that really kicked my ass?  Finally realizing that a trans WoC I’d been trying to get closer to was actively distancing herself from me because of how stubbornly I was clinging to my chosen symbol of nearly-united womanhood.  I was so angry at myself as the penny finally dropped!)