She’s singing. She’s dancing. She just stole the whole speakeasy. 😂✨ One click and you’ll see why everyone’s talking…

whiskey glass with lipstick stains

“Bartender hit me again.” - @morganwallen . . Location: @shanesplacebar @shanesplace_ . . #pouremup #throwemback #whiskeyglasses #morganwallen https://www.instagram.com/p/ClJVyeqrMzp/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Not anywhere near me. But that is the name of the song I”m listening to. Don’t judge me, Morgan Wallan aint that bad I guess for new country. When do I ever listen to country? Pretty much when I’m in my saddest feels. Since you know, what better than a sad country song to make my depression go even deeper. Like, here’s my tears, how about a sound track?! Country singers are way too open I swear. LOL what am I even talking about ? Anyways, so.. I feel like I”m getting a little bit better.. about things. At this point there is such a steadily growing voice in my head telling me how dumb the whole thing is and how I never really deserved any of the fuck shit he’s put me through... Yeah, I get it you know I love him I always will but that does not mean I have to sit here and take this shit 24/7.. You know what, I’m glad. I’m glad he chose her. More power to her. Have fun being physically and emotionally abused literally from the time you open your eyes til you shut them at night being with him... I think one the main reasons he’s so fascinated with her is because she’s not learning.. like.. she’s not learning and acting accordingly? So he’s intent on forcing her, making an example out of her. to herself? I guess? It’s the only thing that makes sense in my mind. He craves the fight, the underlying tension always at a 10.. I don’t know if she’s just literally not smart like I am when it comes to what he’s drilled in my head and formed these things in my mind very carefully and pain stakeingly.. Or like, if I’m just the more pathetic of the two because I tried to be whatever he wanted so hard.. that I barely went against any word out of his mouth for fear of being slapped or worse.. I guess maybe she’s already been through shit like that or what I dont know but she damn asks for the shit I swear.. I know thats awful but seriously. Will she ever learn? Every try to avoid the explosion that is Cody Dale..? No, she brings it out.. one of the main reasons I can’t stand her. She brought the old Cody out.. and I hate her for it. I really do.. I wish I could go back to before he met her.. and do what I had such a hard time deciding on.. Be with him. Like when he went to jail for the little bit of time not last christmas but the one before that... I wish I could have just made myself do it. Maybe I could have helped. Help him keep the new Cody around.... But.. He scared me... And I couldn’t help how much... I wish I could gp back so bad. I wonder how things would be now.. Without her in the picture. Sigh I’m soooo mad I just made this far into this post all about him and her. Hate myself lol. Where was I? Oh yeah, I’m starting to distance myself mentally from the situation I think, like blocking out the feelings associated with it all completely. Because that shit hurt so fucking bad my brain is trying to keep me safe by like... Making me numb to it all. Maybe a little too much. I really don’t think its healthy for me to do that shit.. Kinda like last Christmas.. What a shit show. But yeah, it’s like I’m disassociating from the experience entirely while still currently living it. Trying to get past it. But fuck its hard. And then there’s Matthew... Sigh. Thats for another post maybe. Will probably be equally as long and stupid sounding. I really think I may just suck as a person in general... No, no thats not true. I’m a girl/woman/child, 27 years old, ADHD and bipolar 1 disorder ridden, probably over medicated, barely stable, holding on as tight as I can to my sanity... I’m trying as hard as I can given my circumstances... Which I’m still starting to learn and get familiar with instead of just living with no introspection.. I think thats the right word, self reflection? Being fully aware of whats going on, and being honest about it. Whether that’s fun or not. It doesn’t matter, I gotta start holding myself responsible for what I can control.. Which is alot when I think about it. I am in control of.. all of it. My life is mine only. I am the reason I am here right now.. I  am the one who made the choices that led for me to be here, nobody else. I’m tired of just watching my life go by like I have no say so/no choice in the matters I put myself in/create. Life is literally what I make it. If I want to change I’m the only one thats holding me back. I’m the only one responsible for my actions, I’m the only one in control. I have to keep telling myself that. I feel like I’ve been letting someone else or better yet nobody steer me through life. Like theres been no hands on the wheel. Like I’ve just let life come in and beat the shitt out of me.. I’ve let myself get hurt so much.. So unexpectedly at the time.. But hindsight is 20/20... right? Theres no way I could have prepare myself for the things that have happened.. but what I can do is take the lessons learned in those experiences and apply them to the next day of my life, and keep doing that. Every day. Never make the same mistake more than once.. better said than done right? That is I think what I need to remember, anytime life brings me something I’ve already learned how to navigate, or well. Something I’ve fucked up in the past that I can just.. learn from that and apply what I’ve learned to all upcoming experiences.. the best I can anyway... I feel like I’m giving myself permission to learn from myself instead of trying to be so perfect like I know everything already when some situations I don’t. Even if I don’t, I can try to take what I”ve learned previously and maybe not fuck up whatever it is that I’m trying to accomplish, or change, or just do in general.. I want to go back to school man, I want to be the best at my job, I want to never be late again, I want to always rememher my appointments, really dig into therapy  and retrospection and try to live the best I can.. for me. And only me. Because I deserve that much. I know I do. I know whats right for me and what’s wrong. I’m tired of acting like I don’t know what I’m doing. Its really weird. these thoughts... Maybe they’ll stick around. I hope so. I’m gonna try to be concienctoius and.. live the best I can. Accomplish the things I know I can do. Instead of letting life pass me by like I’m living but not really being present or making decisions that are best for me because why? I’m not sure of that yet. I’ll get back to you when I figure that one out; For now I’m just gonna try to actually do the things I set out to do. And get the shit done. No giving up my happiness either. None of that shit. I can do this. Ok. Nighty night. 

Mail :- [email protected]

Mail :- [email protected]

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