#which i hate

Venice, 1831 ~ 7.

My first glimpse of Morosini’s library revealed a variety of classics; Virgil’s Aeneid, Ovid’s Metamorphosis, Dante’s Commedia, Bocaccio’s Il Decameron, Petrarch’s Canzoniere and Ariosto’s Orlando Furioso. I realized that these texts shared tradition: Latin. Fiorentino colto... It consisted of a thread from a once-unified people to one that was fragmented, yet still connected culturally, spiritually, and historically. If he really had read all those books, Morosini was a man of culture.

“Is the Illustrissimo a reader or a collector?” I wondered to Alvise.

“Both,” he replied. I huffed softly. “What do you think of the collection so far?”

“These are beautiful editions.”

“But...?”

I grinned.

“But... what?”

“There’s obviously something you want to add.”

“Between you and me, I don’t know that he needs me.” I shrugged.

Alvise fell silent and I resumed browsing.

One book in particular caught my attention. Growing bolder, I pulled it off the shelf.

“What do you have there?”

I couldn’t help my expression of disbelief.

“Ugo Foscolo?” I flashed the cover at him. “Is this?...” I leafed through the tome in awe. “This is the...?” my voice trailed off as I searched for a specific date: March 17.

It was there: the letter cut out and censored from the editions found throughout the city.

“Piango la patria mia, che mi fu tolta, e il modo ancor m’offende,” I read slowly. I mourn my homeland, which was taken from me, and the way in which it was done still wounds me. My heart beat faster, recognizing an echo of the sentiment uttered sotto vocce by those watching our fallen city with fire in their eyes.

Alvise moved swiftly to where I stood, still absorbed in the dangerous book’s discovery.

“Signor Vianello,” he began, raising my chin to meet his eyes. “I may know a secret of yours, but now you know one of mine. Take it as a sign of trust. Work for me. Help protect our Serenissima,” he asked.

“Work for you? What do you mean? I thought I’d be working for Signor Morosini. And as far as my...secret... I am pretty sure you and I have the same one, no?” I raised an eyebrow as he stood so very close to me.

“Have you not figured out my ruse? I am Morosini.”

“Your name is ‘Alvise,’” I stated cautiously, although my heart started to race.

“Yes. Raffaele Alvise Marcantonio Morosini."

“Is this a joke?” I asked, a chill beginning to travel up my spine.

“It is not.”

“You lied?"

“Not quite; I did not disclose the entire truth. That’s different.”

Morosini was one of the most powerful men in Venice and I... I was acutely aware that I had spoken to... and even drunkenly propositioned him as if he were simply a commoner...

Like myself.

I felt deep embarrassment over everything— from our argument at Al Bricola, to my shabby accommodations... and my brazen flirtation with him... It all made me want to leave immediately.

“Signor Vianello,” he interrupted my thoughts, “I did what I did because I need to be certain about certain impressions before I could invite you into...my world. Forgive the subterfuge; believe me when I say that it was in your best interest as much as it was in mine.”

“I think perhaps I should leave.”

The situation was strange and uncomfortable. I did not appreciate Morosini's games. I could not grasp what he wanted, who he was, and how I fit into his plans. He seemed suddenly incredibly dangerous and any association with him was perhaps a bad idea.

He intercepted me.

“Work for me, and I’ll make it worth your while. There is a war, Vianello, and your gifts are needed," he pleaded.

“I don’t intend on becoming bait for the Austrians and take the blame for your banned books... or where you choose to spend your free time,” I stated as tactfully as I could. “I see you are someone who bends the truth.”

“And so do you!” he accused. “Every day. Don’t you see?”

I shook my head.

“I am no revolutionary martyr. I am just a lowly civil servant regardless of who is in power.”

“But that is just what is interesting. I am not trying to save our city from the Austrians. I leave that to...others, who must conquer their freedom with their own blood. I... am not allowed to intervene,” he stated enigmatically. “But if I cannot protect the city itself, I can protect its soul.”

“I don’t follow,” I offered apologetically.

“Work for me,” he persisted.

“I am sure there are others who would —”

“It must be you, Signore. I have chosen you.”

“Why? Why me?” I felt nervous at his scrutiny, at his insistence.

“Because... I have enjoyed my time with you. You have all the necessary qualifications...and something more. Something... that cannot be forced.”

I held my breath.

“I feel at ease with you. I liked how you spoke to me when we met. Fearless and defiant. It has been a very long time since anyone has approached me sincerely and looked me in the eyes,” he stated. “You have no idea how much theater I endure from people who always want something from me. You make me feel...present. Here. Because I often forget. Sometimes I get lost, but you... You have a grounding effect on me. I think we could accomplish much good together. I believe I can trust you. And I hope that over time, you will trust me, too."

“I still don’t know how I could help you.”

“Just know you can,” he said in a gentler tone. “And will.”

“Come back on Saturday, after work. See what kind of help you can give me...and then decide whether or not you should work for me," he proposed.

“All right,” I agreed warily. “One night.”

He smiled and blinked slowly. I liked looking at him. I wondered if he could tell.

“Thank you, Signor Vianello.”

“Just call me Giovanni.”

His smile broadened.

“And you may call me Raffaele.”

Prologue/Character Sheet/Beginning/Previous/Next

Historical Notes

------

They both find themselves suddenly alone in the world with little notice.

Steve thought he was in love. He was in love. But it turns out she wasn't. At least not anymore.

There had been a single moment of elation when she told him she was pregnant. That joy was quickly and brutally squashed by the admission that the pup was not his, and better yet, she was leaving him for the sire. They were going to take the chance of having her take a competing bond, hopefully beating out the strength of the old one to eliminate it completely. It's dangerous. If it doesn't go right the Omega will likely drop, maybe even lose the child from the shock of two bonds not willing to coexist but not being strong enough to eliminate the other

Apparently, moving on from Steve is enough of an incentive to risk it all.

Two nights later, he feels the bond dissolve. Gone, just like that. Empty where he had once been full. He turns into the pillows, the ones that still smell of her, and weeps. He reaches up to cradle his mating mark, now an empty scar with no meaning.

Eddie knew what he had wasn't love. He doesn't know if he'd ever been in love, but he knows it's not what he has with his Alpha. Without even realizing it, he had fallen into the same patterns of life his parents had tread before him. He met an Alpha at a bar, thought he was the best kind of wild, stayed with him just long enough to think that this was as good as it was going to get, and resigned himself to a bond. His Alpha wasn't the worst, but he was far from nice. He was a bartender who took advantage of his proximity to alcohol with a kind of reckless abandon that Eddie used to indulge in himself.

Then, all of a sudden, Eddie was pregnant. He didn't know how to tell his Alpha. Didn't know how he would react. Would he be excited? Mad? Indifferent? At the end of the day, he never gets to find out. By the time the call comes in to tell him his Alpha had had enough alcohol in his system to wrap himself around a pole, he's already felt the bond break. He thinks he should be sad. He should be devastated, it's the natural way to react, but all he feels is scared.

What is he supposed to do now?

----------------

They're both there to get their scars removed.

It's not a completely unusual procedure, common enough that there are a handful of clinics in town to choose from.

Steve hates it here. He hates the beige walls and the beige chairs and the smell of artificial air meant to cancel out the smell of distress that would no doubt be filling up the space otherwise.

He clocks Eddie first. He looks...vacant in a way that Steve can't help but feel is unnatural for him. He's dressed in all black but not like a widow. Chains and rings and a baggy hoodie brandishing the logo of some metal band he doesn't recognize. He doesn't know why, but something compels him to reach out.

He gets up, "this seat taken?" he asks.

The Omega looks up and, Jesus Christ, he has pretty eyes. Steve doesn't know if he's seen eyes quite like his before.

"Guess not," he says, voice deeper than any Omega Steve has ever met before.

For a while, they just sit. Everyone at these clinics is given a window of time to come in, so they could be stuck in this waiting room for five minutes or two hours. It all depends on how bad the cases before them are.

It's the Omega who breaks the silence.

"So, what are you in for?" he asks, looking at Steve with a little bit of that mischief that looks so natural on him. It makes Steve smile for the first time in weeks.

"Isn't it obvious?" he asks, turning up his wry smile just a little bit "I got dumped. She cheated on me, got pregnant, and now she's gone. Gotta figure out where to go from here, I guess."

If Steve wanted to flatter himself, he would say that Eddie looks shocked at the admission. In reality, he doesn't know what to call that look. He just stares at Steve for a long moment and then says, "Huh, wasn't expecting that one." It's enough to pull a startled little laugh from Steve.

"I'm Steve." he holds out his hand

"Eddie." he takes it.

"So Eddie," Steve says as he releases his hand, "what are you in for?" That, apparently, is the wrong thing to say because the Omega goes from quietly amused to averting his eyes and slumping in his chair.

"My Alpha died last week."

Oh.

Before Steve can think of anything to say to try and spit out the massive foot he just put in his mouth, Eddie is pulling at the collar of the hoodie and tilting his head slightly to reveal his mark. It's different than Steve's which has been red and irritated since the bond broke, upset at not having a match. Eddie's is dull, to say the least. It's like a grey film has been placed over the whole area. He hides it away as quickly as he'd shown it off.

"The wild thing is I don't even miss him. I didn't even really like him!" he says a little too loud for the low buzz of the waiting room, but he doesn't seem to care. "I didn't even like him but then he went and got himself killed and left me alone with a pup I didn't even want! And now I can't bear to give it up even though I know I should because I have no fucking Alpha and no job and I'm going to be a shitty fucking mom and-" By now he's definitely too loud for the waiting room and people are starting to look around like they're waiting for someone to do something and Steve really does not need to be kicked out right now so he does the only thing he can think to do.

Steve wraps Eddie up in an incredibly awkward side hug and starts crooning at him, trying to gentle him into relaxing a little bit. He subconsciously tries pumping out calming pheromones but with the clinic purifiers, it's probably not doing what it's supposed to. He half expects Eddie to push him away. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who appreciates random Alphas invading his space, but to his surprise, Eddie melts into his side almost too easily. He puts his head right over Steve's sternum, getting as close as he can to that gentle rumbling purr.

"Fuck, sorry, that was too much," Eddie says, voice muffled by Steve's shirt.

"Hey, hey, don't worry about it. That sounds really rough, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about your Alpha." he soothes.

Eddie just lets out a little sigh, clearly not planning to extract himself from Steve's hold any time soon. "Like I said, it's not even the Alpha. Honestly, he kind of really sucked. It's just...It all seems so big right now, y'know? I never planned on pups, but now I've got one growing in my belly like some kind of parasite and all I want is to see their little face and hold them in my arms and keep them safe. I want this baby, but I don't know how I'm going to do it."

Once again, Steve doesn't know what to say. He's been abandoned more times than he cares to think about, but never in the same way Eddie has been. He doesn't know what to do, what to say, where this whole thing goes from a kind stranger offering a little comfort to an Alpha trying to insert themselves into a vulnerable Omega's life. He should say nothing. He should hold Eddie for as long as he wants to be held and get the last of his bond removed and start thinking about what to do with his life next.

In fact, that's exactly what he's planning to do, but in the course of step one -comforting Eddie- Steve makes the mistake of leaning his head on top of the Omega's. This close to the source, not even the extra strength air purifiers in the clinic are enough to hide Eddie's scent from him.

Steve has never really believed in scent mates, always thought they were an old wives tale, but he thinks Eddie might just change his mind. Steve has never smelt anything quite it. It's muskier than most Omegas tend to smell but with sweet notes of basil and peaches. It takes every ounce of self-control and a reminder to himself that he has been without a mate for less than a month for him to not start huffing at the poor guy's hair like a lunatic.

All that really means is that rather than continuing to hold Eddie in silence like a normal fucking person, he instead blurts out "I could help you!"

Startled, Eddie backs up enough to look Steve in the eye, his own eyes wide in surprise. He doesn't completely leave the circle of Steve's arms which he counts as a small win.

"What?"

This is Steve's chance to back out. To back peddle and make up something, anything, except for what he's really thinking which is something along the lines of "please be my mate and let me help you raise a child. I think we might be soul mates!"

What he actually says isn't all that better.

"I mean, I could help you with the pup, you know?" Eddie just continues to look at him, eyes getting impossibly wider, "I mean, we just met and that's crazy but I just got a new apartment with an extra bedroom and you seem like a nice guy and..." Steve deflates a little bit, letting the silence linger.

"Steve?" Eddie prompts. A little bit of hope peaking through his words. Just enough to give Steve the push he needs to tell to truth.

"...and I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. I don't know what to do next. All I ever wanted was a family, but no one ever wanted one with me. So, if you want, you can stay with me. It doesn't have to be permanent but...maybe it could be. Eventually. Your choice." and he means it, is the thing. As bat shit insane as it sounds Steve is suddenly so sure that he could make a life with Eddie. That they could be happy together. Mates.

Eddie is, once again, silent. He's still just staring, jaw dropped searching Steve's face for something. Steve doesn't know what it is he needs to see, so he just lets him look.

"Eddie Munson?" a nurse calls out, breaking the bubble they've built around them. They both startle, instinctively scrambling out of their chairs so she doesn't pass over Eddie for the next patient.

Steve starts to panic as he feels this opportunity start to slip through his fingers. Once Eddie passes through those doors, there's no guarantee that they'll ever see each other again, but he won't push him. What he's asking for is crazy, he knows, and Eddie has every right to flee from him and never look back.

Instead, Eddie whips around. There's more life in him than there has been since Steve first spotted him. There's fear and hope and joy all dancing across his beautiful eyes as he surges back to grasp Steve's hand from where it was lying limp at his side.

"Yes!"

"Yes?"

"Yes! To all of it! Fuck!" Eddie is, once again, being way too loud for this waiting room, but Steve doesn't give a damn about that. How could he care about anything else at all when Eddie is smiling at him like that? "Just, wait for me ok? Or, I guess I'll wait for you since I'll be out first?" he says it more like a question than a confirmation, like he's suddenly scared Steve is going to take it all back.

"I'll look for you." is all he says, suddenly aware of the nurse making her way toward them, clearly impatient to get things started. He wishes he could go in with Eddie. Wishes he could hold his hand through the inevitable pain of the removal and soothe the pup growing in belly reacting to their mother's pain, but he has his own appointment to wait for.

Eddie nods, squeezing his hand just once before finally allowing the nurse to usher him back toward the offices in the back, never looking away from Steve as he does so. Steve gives him a little wave as he passes through the door before collapsing back into the seat behind him.

GET IT IN!!!! WHY WON'T YOU GO IN?! STOP SLIPPING OUT!!! MTF STOP BENDING!!! GO IN!!!

oh my god why do you keep sticking to my finger

oh oh it's IN *blinks* *it slips out* FUCKKKKKKK

*eyes tearing up and my eyelid hurts* look at you, pathetic

*angry deep breath and then calm*

*watch another video tutorial, from youtube then xhs back to youtube* what do you mean you can show all your whites my eyes aren't 20% your size

*another deep breath* okay it's literally a piece of jelly thing it's not spikes it's not even going to explode why are you panicking? why are you running? JUST DO IT. PUT IT IN. LET IT IN.

think about Price and Ghost kissing think about Price and Ghost kissing think about Price and Ghost kissing think about Price and Ghost kissing think about Price and Ghost kissing think about Price and Ghost kissing think about Price and Ghost kissing—*slips in* OH MY GOD IT WORKED

*stares at the mirror in amazement while smiling like an idiot*

*immediately dread at the second eye* oh my god here we fucking go again why oh my days

*realize I can't pull the other eyelid up as much as the first eye* oh my fucking- is this really it-

*deep breath again* *stares dead ahead in the mirror* imagine Price beside me right now he's going to be extremely disappointed if I can't even do something as simple as putting a flimsy piece of lens into my eyes

*slips in* LETS GO woah this is weir-AAAAAAAAAAAAA it burns IT BURNS WHY DOES IT BURN SHOULD I TAKE IT OUT *rapid blinking* no wait hold on woah the mirror is clear wait i can read the barcode of my toothpaste WOAH

*stares at the mirror for god knows how long* are my eyes bigger?

*goes out while wearing them* everything is clear *blinks* okay everything is not clear *blinks* okay it's clear again why does this feel like im going 1080p to 720p with a shitty wifi?

I can feel them. Don't think about it don't think about it don't think about it don't think about it don't think about it

The very ends of both my eyes are blurry, should I be concerned

I feel very naked (never realized how much I rely on my glasses to cover areas around my eyes)

*does the push glasses up thing forgetting I'm not wearing my glasses* I'm a clown

*stares at reflection* oh shit- that is me? oh woah that is me

Is it obvious I'm wearing them? why is everyone staring at me- did it moved? did the lens move and now I look like an idiot? (proceeds to overthink and be self-conscious, the lens did not move at all)

*reads up more info about contact lenses and realize I didn't soak them in some liquid for 4 hours before wearing them* *starts thinking about the eye doctor again*

I am fine. This is fine. Look at me I look okay I look normal. I'm totally normal.

*looks at something far* woah I can read that! (could do the same thing with my specs but for some reason is fascinated)

friend: "do you feel dryness or itchiness yet?" me: yet? you mean it's gonna happen??? (it has not happen)

*reads up more about contact lenses stuff and getting confused at the amount of liquids brand out there*

*goes home and stare at the mirror again*

Overall 6/10 experience, I would try to wear them again (for now)

Things I've said (out loud and in my head) when I'm trying to take out dem fuckass contact lenses:

oh my god I can't take it out

*watch another 4-8 tutorial videos again*

what do you mean I need to touch it and pinch it out. What- WHAT I NEED TO PINCH IT??? I'M NOT TOUCHING MY EYE LIKE THAT-

what do you mean you can blink it out.

*tries to blink it out and it didnt work and feel like my eyeballs are about to fall out*

*felt like crying but force myself not to because Idk if you should do that when you're wearing lenses*

*tries another 3-4 times and failing*

*sits down on the toilet tile and think about which eye doctor I need to contact and which hospital I can go by train, reciting the emergency number a few times*

*opens socmed to distract myself*

no no fuck you you're overthinking again calm da fak down it's A PIECE. OF. JELLY THINGY.

get up. do the thing. do it scared.

*silently screaming as my index finger slowly reaches for my eyes* I CANT DO THIS

BUT I'M GONNA *touches eye* OH MY DAYS I HATE IT *force myself to slowly slide the contact lens even if it feels extremely uncomfortable*

*starts singing the national anthem FOR SOME REASON* TANAH TUMPAHNYA DARAHHHH KUUUU *finally slide it to the sclera and blinks it out*

*panting like I've ran a thousand miles staring at the folded lens* fuck yoUUUUUUUU *puts it away and looks at the mirror*

oh my god my eye is red, is that normal? should I be concerned? *checks eye*

*stares at the mirror dreading the second eye*

*repeat cycle above with just as much anxiety and stress*

*singing the national anthem did not work this time* *starts thinking about which eye doctor to see again*

*deep breath* listen. if you can take off this last piece. we can...w-we can have pudding, okay? (we don't have pudding, also there's no we it's only me)

*slowly reach for my eyes* *silently screaming*

*realize it doesn't feel as uncomfortable with the other eyes* oh *slowly sliding it to the side then blinks it out*

*it immediately falls to the ground* YEAH you stay down

*looks at mirror* okay this eye isn't red

ah fuck everything's 360p again where's my specs?