Don't. Even if you feel like sending a letter, don't. Don't start. Don't remember. Don't say a word. There's nothing more I'd like to hear. Stop turning back. To those wretched memories. These are things i wish to forget. Even if you feel like sending a letter, don't. Don't regret the choice you made when you left my heart for hers.

I guess… not everyone is cut out for love. To be specific: romantic love. The kind where two souls fall in a whirlpool and have their world turn topsy turvy in a happy Shalala way. Humans have somehow been conditioned from young to have the mindset that when you grow up, you will find someone you love, get married and start a family. People who are single are usually laughed at or teased for being ‘left behind the shelf’. But the question is, who ever said that you are BOUND to be attached at the end of the day?

Just tonight, I witnessed a couple having an argument while waiting for the bus. Apparently, the argument had stemmed from the guy being unhappy about the way the girl acts when she’s with him. Unhappiness… the only reason why anyone would be unhappy about someone else would have to be from the fact that expectations of some form had appeared, isn’t it? The one cycle we’ve all probably heard a billion times. Attachment leads to expectations which in turn lead to disappointment.

I guess… I’m not cut out for love. At least not right now. I would love to be able to be swept off my feet one day by the right guy and do all the things couple does. Not that I have not… but having 2 failed relationships which never lasted more than 2 months does say something doesn’t it? It is almost just the same as how everyone has been saying, “maybe the problem doesn’t lies in them but in you”. After many sleepless nights of thinking (no, I don’t stay awake thinking of such things… I just think of such things on nights when I’m very much consumed by the mother of insomnias) I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not really the nicest person to love. Maybe that’s why people come and go in my life all the time. With the recent one being 8 months of just lurking around in murky waters before he decided that someone else was more worth loving as compared to me.

Then again, I haven’t really been the wisest person when it comes to love matters… it took me some time before friends around me convinced me that the latest 8 months thing I had going on might not have been as flowery as I had thought it was… maybe the ‘bond’ that he has been telling me he felt with me was pretty much a tactic he used to all the girls he tried to love. Funny how the moniker he gave himself is a total opposite of what his character is like. What’s even funnier is how I’m always falling for the gimmicks that guys have prepared in this game of love. Don’t you see it? Love is no longer just a bond, an emotion or feeling where 2 souls cherish the hearts of the other and give in all they have. Love, is now a game. A battlefield. Where 2 players enter the grounds playing the game until 1 of them loses interest, drains out the energy of the other or just admits defeat to the other. 

Or at least that is what I am convinced of. Typing at past midnight isn’t really helping with the flow of the thoughts but at least I’m getting whatever thoughts that are running through my mind out here in words (crossing my fingers that that might help with the insomnia). Maybe one day I’ll be proven wrong, but till the day I get swept off again, I’m pretty determined to enjoy this solitude time building up my personality and becoming a better person to be loved and to love. 

  "你知道吗？我花了一辈子学一件事。拥有就是失去的开始… 为什么我们一生追求的东西，其实在拥有的时候就已经开始失去了呢？如果我不曾拥有，那我也没有什么好失去的了…不是吗？” -《我可能不會愛你》

  “其实很多时候，我们都被 ‘心动’ 骗了。我们以为我们爱那个人，但其实，我们爱上的很多时候都是新鲜感制造的‘怦然’ 而不是那个人。” - 程又青