Summer of 2012

As my high school graduation date approached, I knew I was going to graduate with ease, but I had no idea where I wanted to go to college or what for. At this time in my life, I was 17, still didn’t have a driver’s license, and I felt stuck. My aunt Helene in California wanted to help me, so as a graduation present, she sent me a plane ticket and gave me a place to stay with her for 6 weeks. 

I didn’t have a driver’s license yet because neither of my parents ever wanted to spend the necessary time it took to teach me to drive. They were reluctant to even let me get my permit, so I didn’t get that until I was 16 when all my friends got their’s at 15. It felt like life was a race that I was losing. 

The first time I spent practicing driving was in my mom’s 2001 Suburban SUV in an empty stadium parking lot. It was my first time driving a car ever, so I had no idea what it was even supposed to feel like, and the car I was driving was giant. I scared the crap out of her. She wouldn’t even let me drive it home. Soon after, she traded it in for a more compact car, a 2012 Kia Optima, and then the excuse became that she didn’t want me to wreck a new car. So I had to wait until I could do driving classes which I had to pay for myself. 

I was afraid that I’d never learn how to drive. 

When I arrived in California, my aunt was so happy to see me again. She reminisced with me about how I was sort of like her first kid since my parents left me with her and my uncle once when I was about 4 years old for a period of 3 weeks. During that time, they took me to Chuck E Cheese’s, we went bowling, did gardening, baked cookies, played at the park, and watched Zorro at the movie theater. My aunt really wanted a daughter, but instead had three sons. 

My aunt’s house was in the hills of Anaheim and had a nice pool in the backyard. Opening the front door, I was greeted with cheers and hugs from my cousins who had also drawn pictures for me. When my Uncle Chris got home from work, he made me a mint mojito and told me that he and my aunt Helene were gonna show me how to live, show me some sights, get me into shape, help me make friends, even set me up on dates. Which all sounded great at the time, but I didn’t realize I needed to do all of that on my own. 

When I was 17, I had discovered a website called “Omegle” which allowed me to connect with complete strangers on the internet via videochat. So many people warned me of the dangers of the internet, but I had only made great friends from there who I skyped with regularly. I was more comfortable with this sort of socialization and it was the only way I felt like I could be close to people despite them being so far away. I made friends everywhere, and with so much ease, but I think I restricted myself by thinking that was only possible on the internet, so I still didn’t think I could make friends in real life just as easy. 

Because of my many internet friendships which were all still so new and exciting at the time, I wasted my time in California by being on the computer a good majority of the time. Instead of enjoying my surroundings or spending time with family, it was spent chatting on the internet. I was still doing the same things I did at home, just in a new place. 

I just felt like I couldn’t relate to the people around me. Even though I knew these people from childhood, I knew those versions and not the new ones. I felt estranged from my family. I didn’t think they’d want to know me because I wasn’t what they wanted me to be like. Everyone else was so social and had a loud laugh. I was more of a silent chuckle. 

When I went to California, my eyes were opened to how disconnected I was from my family at home. I felt it before, but not to the same extent. In California, I’d notice how every other family operated and would compare it to mine. I noticed their families were much more connected and spent time with each other. They ate meals together and cared about where their kids went. My aunts and uncles were always monitoring where I was going, when back home I’d never be asked probably because they were just glad I was getting out of my room. I also didn’t have a car or a license, so I could only be going somewhere with friends.

My aunts also were very curious about my relationship with my mom. They asked me if it felt like a competition when I was at home. They told me how they could relate to my situation since it felt the same way when they were growing up. My mom compared herself to the way my sister and I looked, but because I didn’t know differently, I thought it was normal. I didn’t realize how much my family valued beauty compared to others, and thought that maybe that’s why I always felt ugly and wore my hair over my eyes. 

What upset me about these conversations with my aunts was that they’d go and report what I said to my mom. I said those things because I thought it would be safe, but I instead felt safe nowhere. I received an angry phone call from my mother accusing me of being disrespectful when I wasn’t even the one who brought up the topic of conversation.  I was not allowed to have an opinion or a voice about what I thought about my family if it wasn’t anything but positive. 

Then I decided to look at going to college in California and just never come back home because my mom told me that I wasn’t missed. “Nobody even notices that you’re gone,” she said. 

Of course though, when I brought up the subject of never coming back, she told me I would be miserable there. She said I didn’t even have a license, couldn’t find a job, college was more expensive there, the people in the community college would be “disgusting,” and I wouldn’t have any freedom with everyone in the family being responsible for me and probably would have a heart attack if I stayed out late. 

like our religion, they misinterpret you, how transparent your inscrutable smile, i said thank you nerds.

fiery eyes, roaming future, that mind is tainted with insecurity, it ceased your lovely face turned to that of sheer joy.

like warm coffee, we talk travelling, through ink, we rejuvenate the promises, we lose ourselves by striving harder.

loving ourselves is complicated, i said, let’s paint an enchanting picture before we complete the puzzle, you and now, was is always.