god i'm having series 12 thoughts...
the way the fam finally decide to get the Doctor to open up, to share things about herself... the way they were so ready to support her when they realized she was going through something... the way this could have been the season where the Doctor and the others form a deeper and more personal bond. one based on them truly understanding the Doctor and being on the same level as her instead of seeing her as this mysterious hero figure - and her learning to trust them in return...
but instead, the Doctor loses her planet and immediately feels so much more alone. like no one can understand her. the way she snaps at Ryan in Fugitive of the Judoon - "i've lived for thousands of years. [...] how long have you been here? you don't know me. not even a little bit." the way she feels like they couldn't possibly understand her pain, so she pushes them away. and then The Haunting of Villa Diodati adds another layer to this estrangement by presenting her with an impossible choice. and reminding her that she's the only one who can understand all the horrible consequences. making her conclude she'll have to be the one to bear all the weight of responsibility. "sometimes this team structure isn't flat. It's mountainous, with me at the summit in the stratosphere, alone, left to choose." more loneliness, more feeling isolated from the fam and everyone else.
a lonely god. cursed to see the complexity of the universe, forced to make choices even when there's no right one. forced to face losses bigger than anyone could imagine, and live with them for an eternity. cursed never to be truly understood by the ones she loves - cursing herself, because she won't let them try.
putting herself on top of this mountain out of hurt.
