#wheatley.mp3

This is weird, definitely weird, right? I don’t remember connecting to anything. I didn’t turn on my Wi-Fi without you, did I? Oh, did I update recently? Chell, did you update me while I was out? Listen, I won’t be mad, but that’s sort of a violation of trust between us if you did it without telling me. I won’t be mad, but I will be very disappointed. What am I talking about? Of course you wouldn’t, you probably don’t know where to go to even accept an update.

Wheatley.

Not that I’m calling you dumb, but I’m a very complex man! I’m quite top-of-the-line, here. Not to say that I don’t appreciate the maintenance! I’m very grateful, I really am. But if it’s not an update, did I get hacked? Oh god, what if I got hacked!?

Wheatley.

If I was hacked, make it quick. That’s all I ask. I know we made that deal, about if I turned evil, but if you have to make good on it, don’t let it hurt! I have a pain system in here! Pain system? Nervous system, that’s it. I know the biology terms. What was I talking about?

Wheatley.

Oh, right. I don’t want to be hacked! Oh god, if I go terminator, I’m so sorry, I don’t mean it, you know that, right, Chell? If I turn evil, just shut me off and fix me! Please don’t destroy my hard drive, but do wipe off our first meeting. I don’t need to remember that. Oh god, that was embarrassing. Actually, no, I want to keep that, that’s important.  

Wheatley!

Huh?

You’re just receiving a radio signal. The signal comes from

...From where?

Did you find something?

Yeah, but the file’s corrupted. All I can get is a second, and it’s not very focused... hold on, I think I can clear it up... here. I think- this looks about right.

Can’t tell if you don’t show.

Is this your radio host? They have strange tattoos, that’s for sure. Looks like an old prototype portal gun.

Stealing important documents!

Well- yes, I suppose that’s correct, they’re a documentation of testing trials, and that would-

The Declaration of Independence is next!

WH- NO!? NO! WE’RE JUST STEALING CAMERA FOOTAGE!

Then we’re stealing the moon!

CHELL! OVER HERE!

Oh thank goodness you heard me. With all the turret fire, I wasn’t sure, so it’s a relief that you did! Get in here!

Well, it’s good to see you in one piece. Really, that stunt you just pulled, that was dangerous, that was just, whoosh, bonkers, right over my head on what that would accomplish. I mean, well, it’s up to you, really, you’re the boss here. Right. You’re probably tired, what with all the running and dodging and getting Her attention. 

Chell?

Right, you’re catching your breath. Well, I’ll just, you know, power down, until we get back. Can’t go wasting my battery here, already burned through a lot getting this panel to open and shut. Just, uh, make sure to hit the switch when we get back, yeah? Right. Or if you need me. Hopefully you won’t, not like that, you can take care of yourself, not that you don’t need me, I’m a pretty good teammate to have around, yeah. And a good teammate, which I am, is... going into sleep mode. Don’t forget to turn me back on, please.

Why is this important anyways?

Because Dr. Freeman never left Aperture. He’s under Rattmann’s care like I was.

But if he never left, how could he be in two... oh, oh I think I get it now.

So, what you’re saying is-

That is a lot! He would’ve looked like a bully, I think.

No, and... they’re not tattoos. I can’t explain it very well. It’s part of the contract. We’re... not supposed to talk about them. They let us host properly so that we don’t spread misinformation.