What I Remember, What I Was Told & What I Left Behind
Side note: I'm writing this just before I jump into the shower. My mom took my computer to get it fixed, nothing was wrong with it! Why is she doing that? I have no clue.
I wasn't sure how to talk about this. However, after re-reading my last post I figured I'd should put a little more perspective on my nightmares. They mostly stems around the little I can remember of the month of July.
At the start of July had an appointment for my final skin graft. I’ve had long conversations with my doctors and father leading to my surgery date about how extensive it would be, as it’s intended to remove all the remaining scars I had, to give me a natural look. Due to my heart condition I was told it was better to do it sooner, while me heart is still 'strong', rather than later. My father convinced me further, that it was the best course of action given my circumstance. I've had numerous grafts before so it wasn't anything new. However, after the surgery when I came around, I remember still being on an operating table. Somethings were different though, it was like I was in a mirrored room. However, the mirror was distorting my appearance. I remember freaking out and getting hysterical, pulling and screaming as I gain my more and more awareness to my surroundings. Then, like a switch being flipped. Everything went black. My parents tried to explain what happened to me, but it was all vague with only one outlier. They described It as an 'episode' due to the extensive level of the graft.
They told me I had tried to take my own life.
It feels weird saying this. I know sometimes my mind wonders into the darkness a bit, but for me to actually go through with it. Somehow it just feels like fiction.
When I think of my younger self and how emotional I would get about things back then. Yeah, I feel like back then I was more likely to have taken such steps.
I'm almost 22 now. I get low moments that feel like they drag me down regarding some things, but to take my own life? No. And, I mean NO! My current life isn't just my own anymore and I've made that very clear to myself. So there is no way I would have done such a thing and what scares me more is I think have proof.
Proof that what they told me might be a lie and what I saw in my hysteria might have been something far more terrifying. I found it in my stress ball, that was still in the pants pocket of the clothes I had used at the facility. By ‘facility’ I mean mental institution. My parents had me admitted. I remember mostly taking part in activities with follow patients and having counseling quite often. Outside of that, I mostly remember sleeping a lot.
Looking at the notes I found, seems to describe another story also, twisting and change my thoughts. I’ll be honest, it is scary to read them, to look at them just holding them makes me feel sick. Most of all I keep asking myself, "why was I hiding them?"
The more I think back on the distorted mirror the more I recall new details. I remembered that there were more people in the mirror then just myself. I saw what I believed to have been my father with some other doctors and someone who looked like a young girl with long red hair almost floating behind them, asleep. Oddly I believe I saw my mom as well, but that doesn't really make much sense because I was in an operating room still. Finally, the most shocking and confusing part is seeing myself all distorted. It's so crazy how the others had more of a clear image when I think back, but in the mirror I'm they only one distorted. These notes I found in my pocket were stuffed tightly in a stress ball. the ball was hollowed out and filled with toilet paper. Each square had a different message. I’m so confused it hurts.
Here's a my small attempt at finding something positive, amidst all this fuck up shit.
The results of my graft are beyond amazing so far, I look so much more normal. I feel more confident in my own skin now compared to the past. Yeah, I'm still a bit swollen and red but I don't look like some patched up rag doll anymore. This feeling alone is what has me looking up for now.
I have the smallest ray of sunshine, but the world around me is still covered in darkness.
