the longer i spend with my.. nonhumanity, other-than-humanity, the less sense it makes to me and the more frustrated i am.
i think that, like my gender, my alterhuman identity cannot be neatly tied down into a few labels, and that has always been distressing as someone who wants to find community. but splitting myself up into little boxes like 'unicornheart, separate from my absol theriotype, separate from my archetrope' just... doesn't work for me. I don't know what I am, just what I'm NOT. my alterhumanity has always been defined by a sense of otherness and wrongness, not by my 'type and a face I can recognize in books and movies, but by knowledge that I am not where i am supposed to be or WHAT i am supposed to be. I know that fae are my everything. I know that I am not supposed to be here, I'm supposed to be 'home', a home that is very 'faeryland' shaped, but I mostly just know that i am not right as I am.
It feels like I'm the teen protagonist of a fantasy novel, but my adventure never came, so i just grew up, never knowing why i felt so painfully out of place in ways that brain chemistry and diagnoses can't explain. I'm always going to be longing for something more, and crying in my bed at 3 am because that something more will never happen. I mostly just feel out of place, when everyone in therian and otherkin communities knows who they are and I've been bouncing off of vague notions for going on 6 years now. No matter how hard I try to understand myself, or the methods I use, I always hit a wall. It seems like so much of alterhuman communities surroundeds around being SURE, and i am NOT sure.
But i think i need to be okay with that, because fae aren't ONE thing, and if they are what mean so much to me i might have to be okay with accepting that I don't know what i am beyond guesses. i am a creature for who the words 'creature' or 'being' do not do justice, i am everything from your myths and starry spun legends, but I am also a scared insecure human who wishes to be the myths. I'm both. That's okay. Even if it feels like it isn't.
