i have these random urges to cut off ties with everyone I've ever known and delete all my socials and throw my phone away and indulge in my presence because being in someone else's life and constantly trying to be / stay is exhausting.
i hate that people can actually think about me however they like / want. I exist in other people's minds for someone i may not be, not even close. some may think high of me and i may disappoint them. Some may think low of me which is already very disheartening. some may hate me.
What if some people i love, hate me. and the people i dislike, love me. what if the people i don't want in my life, want me. and the people i want , do not want me. what if they find me ugly. what if they hate my personality. what if they love it.
being loved is a beautiful thing. but it scares me. Scares me to a point where i want to distance myself from literally everyone who even shows a bit of love and care towards me. This is all so exhausting. Being in someone's life. Being there. it's not you. it's the version of you that they perceive. how they have made you up in their heads. it's always you but not for who you are. they'll like you. they'll hate you. but not for YOU. but for the other ulterior reasons they have made about you. which is not you. it's all inside of their heads.
