#we care

i hope today you at least thought of one single woman.

hi, I'm a girl (or at least, I'm "part" girl) and I went through an abusive irl relationship, let's talk about it:

(tw: slight mention of physical abuse and asking for explicit videos)

it took time for me to say yes. Lots. And lots of time. I was afraid.

Frightened, because I knew I couldn't say no.

So, after two weeks or so, I said yes. At first the relationship wasn't bad, I got showered with some gifts, which I'm still very grateful for, but then some instances happened that I think will never forget, unfortunately I only remember these bad instances, not all of them (if there were others, of course), but here's some of them:

-one time he hit me. He hit me on my shoulder with his fist, at the time we were at a park, so I sat down on a bench and to pass some time I looked at my phone, after a while I still didn't feel great and he laughed about it, since I had gotten up he kinda made fun of me, by saying: "yeah you're only hurt now cause you got up" or something similar to that, and that really hurt me as a kid.

-he asked for explicit videos. I was on vacation, I was enjoying myself in my room that my parents and I were staying at, and I saw one of his WhatsApp statuses, which was something like this: "send me the letter * if we're friends" or smt like that I can't remember, so I answered his status and he played a game with me of truth or dare, were he dared me to send a video of me doing an explicit act (which I will not go into detail on what it is)

-he excused catcalling. Wish I was kidding on this one... It was dark, an evening to be exact, we went out and together we were walking, we passed next to a group of older boys (ages maybe 18-19..? Still they looked WAYYY older) and they catcalled me by whistling at me, I was scared so I remained next to him, but after we had passed those guys, I kinda told him about it, and he said: "it's just what guys do, I'll have to do it too when I'm older" or something like that, and the worst part is that I remember remaining quiet and accepting that...

This is just my experience having a partner, but that doesn't mean that yours isn't, if there's a story, then it's valid either way, and I'm so sorry if you went through that. You deserve to heal and feel better, and if you're in danger DON'T STAY SILENT, don't accept this treatment, don't be like me, that accepted it and felt trapped in her own relationship.

(mind you I was in 3rd grade when this all happened.)

it's not that you won't wear the skinny jeans or the choker or whatever isn't "in style" anymore. and sometimes the demands are so buckwild that you can just ignore them, plain and simple.

but you do think twice sometimes. you do notice things about yourself you hadn't even considered. you notice the hip dips and the shape of your cheekbone and the skin over your eyes. it's been pointed out to you - so you notice. and sometimes it's like fuck you i look fucking amazing and sometimes it's like nobody even remembers that being a thing probably and sometimes - it's fucking devastating. like someone drew a bright red circle around each insecurity. on those days, you wonder - does anyone else see?

because the blame is on you either way. you have a terrible catch-22. if you want to fit in, it's on you to be sure that you look good, that your makeup isn't the "heinous" 2016 style (even if that's the style that flatters you), that your bodyfat settles in the appropriate landmap. and at the same time: it is also on you to ignore the programming. it is on you to get over your decades of social exposure to a trillion-dollar industry and just not care! about these things.

in the comments of course there are people who would advise you nothing with nuance. just ignore it! sure. nobody actually cares about these things. absolutely. this isn't how normal people look. of course not, you know that. you weren't born yesterday. you know about the photoshop and the pricetag and the brand manager.

but like. the media still exists. there are videos on how to manage your hip dips (your skeleton. you know it's your skeleton, and it doesn't matter, does it, because it has a name now, doesn't it?) and how to finally correctly wear the clean-girl-trend and how to have enough money to wear the latest "casual outfit". there are videos critiquing your entire generation for how you dress. how "cringe" it is to wear a certain style of necklace. an influencer says - let's be honest! nobody cares if you just have confidence!

but people do care. you've seen it. you know they care. you've been made fun of enough. it's not, like, a horrible sin to just want to fit in. it's not saying anything new to say i just don't want to be made fun of.