#wayward rambles

So Glimmerglanger deleted their ao3 account due to dealing with a lot of awful messages and comments. And I'm upset, and struggling to process. So I'm going to try and walk through what I'm feeling, why and what I can do.

It's all a bit of a tangled knot, so I'm going to start with my more

selfish reasons to be upset. I'm angry and sad that I won't be able to

read any of those fantastic stories again. I loved reading them,

they've become such a staple of my reading. Whenever I needed a pick me up or a break I would go back to their stories. Sometimes I would be looking for something in particular, and sometimes I would just go through their entire catalogue. Any time they had a new fic, even if it was just a drabble I would wait with baited breath. I always

enjoyed their writing, and now it seems it's all gone.

 And I feel selfish, upset and disappointed with myself because of

that. Because they're their stories, they can do what they want with

their stories. And it sounds like they had excellent reasons to do

what they did. It's not fair to be upset with them for protecting

themselves. But I am angry with them. I'm frustrated and upset that I

didn't get any warning so I could download the fics. And I suppose I'm upset with myself for not downloading them sooner. Silly, since I

didn't know this was coming, but it seems better than being upset with them when they're going through a tough time.

And another reason I'm upset with myself, is how reticent I was with

leaving comments. I kept telling myself I would go back and do it, and now it seems like I wasted too many chances. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything, but at least we could have had those interactions. Glimmer was one of those authors who always responded to commenters and I loved that. (Not that not responding is a bad thing! Authors already give a lot just by posting, they're not obligated to respond.) I really enjoy having conversations with authors about their writing, and I always looked forward to 'talking' with Glimmer. I think one of

my biggest flaw is being too timid and missing opportunities. Not

leaving comments may seem like a small opportunity, but it mattered to me. And even though I tell myself that it may not have changed their final decision, I can't help but wonder if me leaving more comments (cause I think the only fics of theirs I didn't read read are the ones with a pairing I didn't like or looked too angsty. And I loved all the ones I read enough to want to leave comments, I just kept telling myself I would do it on my next re read, when things were fresh) would have made things at all better for them. If having some good comments may have contributed to making things a little easier or giving them a bit of happiness. I feel guilty. (Course, I also feel guilty about how much I'm making this about me and my feelings.)

And what really infuriates me about all of this was how avoidable it

all was. I've had fics that bugged me. I've started fics that

infuriated me. Where the authors characterization choices drove me up the wall. I've read fics that had me wondering if the author

read/watched the same thing I did. Sometimes when I think of these

fics they still frustrate me. But you know what I did? I clicked the

back button and I went to read something I would enjoy. (Ironically,

sometimes that meant going back to an old favorite, like

Glimmerglanger's works) The worst I would do is write a vent post

(that I might not even post) or reblog someone else's vent post. If

not that, I would start writing an idea for my own fic. I would never

leave a mean or cruel comment. I honestly cannot fathom people who feel like that is a constructive use of their time. It just doesn't

make sense.

Well that's most of my vent done (for now). Now to figure out what to

do. I noticed at least one person mentioned that they downloaded some of their work. I may ask around and see if anyone has their fics in a few days. Not now, it seems disrespectful so soon.

And you know what? I think I will post the comments I wrote out but

never sent. It's unlikely that Glimmer will ever see them, but just on

the off chance. And even if they don't, I don't like the idea of just

deleting them or leaving them in my notes to haunt me.

I'll also try to leave at least a few comments on any fics that do

live open on my phone. (And maybe download a few, just in case!)

Authors give a lot, they deserve what little I can give back.

I feel a bit better. A bit more settled. I'll try to do do a bit of

what I said tonight, and check back in in the morning. (5/4 pm)

I feel sick. Course, I think it's largely due to the news about

Buttons. She made it to at least 18, which I think is pretty old for a cat. But she stopped eating. And we had to make that choice. (And I realize after looking at the dates, it's barely been a year since we had to let Pixie go. And she wasn't even half Button's age. Fuck.) But talk about timing. Could really have used some comfort

right around then. But I really don't want to be upset at glimmer.

Cause none of this is their fault. They had to make the best choice

for them, same as we had to make the best choice for her. The timing

is just awful. And I'm not sure if I should continue writing this,

cause I'm starting to get choked up. And that's not really something I

can afford to do at work. But I feel like I need to get this out now.

I don't know how I'm going to get through the day. I'm not sure if

this is really about glimmer anymore. Or at least not only. I guess I

got home still feeling off after finding out, and then I got hit with

having to make that decision. And now the two things are just kind of

hopelessly tangled together. And I'm not sure how to untangle them.

I did go ahead and leave a few comments on other fics that basically live on my phone, like glimmer's did. It made me feel a little

better. Maybe I'll try to leave some more. It helps take my mind off

things, a little bit. Focusing on other fics and what I like about

them and trying to put it into words. I hope I get a reply or two. I

know that's not the reason I'm commenting, but I could use some

connection.

I also kind of want to pick up Crush again. Maybe not the best idea,

since I already feel pretty bad. But maybe it would be nice to read

the words, to feel less alone in my head, with these feelings. My

insides feel like a bruised peach. Twisted, squishy and raw. Or maybe

a tenderized bit of meat would be a better analogy. I probably

shouldn't have decided to listen to the sadness playlist. But

listening to anything happy feels disingenuous and discordant. Same

urge that led me to find those loving death comics again. Needed to

feel understood. Was a bit cathartic.

Still feeling upset. Think this one is going to linger for a while. We really lost a star. I can't blame glimmer for making the best choice for themselves. And I don't, I'm not just saying that. I just keep falling into this 'feel sorry for myself' pit. Course, as mentioned the timing was awful. I probably would have been reaching for some of glimmer's fics for comfort anyway. But it's like a bruise that I keep forgetting about and poking. I've tried not to think about it, when I'm not doing this, to try and let it settle. I tell myself, 'Don't think about this other thing,' which I figure works better than trying, 'Don't think about Glimmer having to leave.' Reverse psychology I guess. And it kind of works. But it's a loose tooth, I keep worrying at it, even though I know I shouldn't. And I keep wanting to ask around and see if other people have downloads of the fics they would be willing to share. But that just makes me ashamed of myself. It just seems selfish and disrespectful, especially so soon after they deleted. I won't lie to myself, I probably will try at some point. But I want to exert some self control, and not go hounding folks so soon after it happened.

I think I may post this after all. It may be a bad idea, and I

probably won't let it be reblogged. But I feel the need to be seen. To

be heard. (5/5 am)

I just really foolish. I keep asking myself why I didn't leave more

comments or download the fics when I had the chance if I loved them so much? Logically, in regards to the comments, I know it's because I'm a bit of a procrastinating perfectionist. I liked their fics enough that I wanted to be certain I got things right. I'd make little notes to myself, and say I'd come back later. I assumed they would always be there, which is also the reason I never downloaded them. Now I feel naive. And trying to make my peace with the fact that I may never see these fics again. I keep trying to press them all into my memory so I don't forget, though maybe it would be better if I could.

These feelings just keep sneaking up on me. And I keep feeling like

I'm making mountains out of molehills. Glimmer is the one who was really hurt by all of this. And that's another thing I keep trying to wrap my head around. I've always thought there fics were great, it's hard to

believe people would send such awful comments to them. I don't mean that I don't believe left horrible comments, I just can't understand what they would have to make comments about? Course, if people want to be nasty they don't need a reason, just an excuse. But it's still messed up. (5/6 am)

I think that's all now. This may have been a bit silly, it's not like glimmer is dead, they're just gone. But what happened to them sounded awful. They deserved better. And as I type this, I wonder if this is why I'm so hesitant about actually sitting down and writing out my ideas. Cause if I do, I'll want to post them. And I can honestly say, I'm scared of people's opinions. I have a thin skin. But that's another day's problem.

I'm also trying to avoid the main fandom I read stuff of theirs from.

It's still just a little too closely intertwined for me at the moment.

Not easy, it's one of my preferred fall backs, currently. But it is what it is.