Hey, are you aware that the actually*term* is mainly used/was originated by nerodivergent people? And could you maybe alude to that somehow in your bio? Something like "url inspired by various neurodivergent hashtags"or otherwise acknowledge that? I'm aro/ace + autistic and this blog is very neat but it kinda bothers me so I thought the least I could do was ask :)
Iâm glad that youâve asked me about something that bothers you. Iâm not one to do things people ask me to do if I donât understand why Iâm doing those things, though. Iâm going to explain why Iâm struggling to understand why it is anyone should be uncomfortable with my usage of the word:
Itâs not inspired by various neurodivergent hashtags.
The âactually asexual / asexualâ tags have been in use for much longer than the majority of the âactually [identity]â tags used by various neurodivergent communities, with the only one prior to that being used by the autistic community in order to find information about autism by autistic people efficiently.
Historically, the actually asexual / aromantic tags have served the same purpose especially years ago when our tag would get bombarded with porn and graphic pictures of animal death. However, thatâs not necessarily the main reason why I chose to use actuallyasexual and actuallyaro [this username.]
It has also been used to challenge the idea of who is a real asexual / aromantic person and who is not, by giving a diverse group of people the ability to share what it means to be âactuallyâ asexual and/or aromantic in a tag space that was relatively safe from people policing our identities.
That tag has since been demolished by âdiscourseâ blogs trying to prove that asexual and aromantic people are thieves who do not respect the language established by various communities, even though the majority of the terms we use are simply... useful English words.
...but, for me personally:
Iâve said the phrase âIâm actually [identity]â many times in offline/online situations to people questioning my identity and/or spreading misinformation about it. I did not think using it would be such a big deal, until various anti-aspec âdiscourseâ blogs used it as âproofâ that asexuals âstealâ from other communities.
Itâs language. It is literally everyday language. Asexuals have been accused of stealing âactually [identity]â (a regularly used term offline), the term âgatekeepingâ (a regularly used term offline), the term â-phobiaâ (a regularly used term offline), the phrase âcoming outâ (a regularly used term offline), and more...
So, when Iâm asked as an asexual or aromantic person to be careful to credit every single word that I use for my identity, especially when theyâre common terms that make language actually useful to expressing identity, experiences, etc. I donât understand why/what people get out of us having to do that.
Thereâs a big difference between co-opting words that are exclusive to certain communities that I shouldnât use for myself, and using everyday language to help me explain my own experiences. âActually [term]â is used for clarification and anyone can use it -- everyone does use it at some point.
The tagging system itself is a valuable tool, and itâs important that people know that it was developed by an autistic person for a specific reason in a specific context of time, and itâs important for you to be aware that the same person suggested using the âactually asexualâ tag long ago for similar reasons.
The phrase itself, though, is a pretty basic English phrase that I use regularly. I do not see why anyone should feel uneasy by its use by me. Iâm not trying to sound dismissive, but Iâm not talking about a word or phrase Iâm purposely co-opting to diminish the value/importance of the autistic community.
And, Iâm tired of discussing this issue that is a non-issue for me. So, I do not feel comfortable changing something about me unless I see a reason to do so. I do not see a reason to do so in this situation, given the information above. No one seems to ask anyone but asexual/aromantic people to do this...
...even when weâve been using these terms longer than most communities. So, what personally makes you uncomfortable or uneasy about it? Why does it bother you? Have I done anything to make your life more challenging because of the language I use?
(Iâm not being antagonistic or sarcastic. Iâm asking genuinely.)
