#warpainte

simone’s warning forced tai to face what she had been avoiding  —   that this wasn’t just as simple as sleepwalking over temporary chaos,   it wasn’t as simple as accidentally letting their dog out,   it wasn’t as simple as a waiting it out until it was all over,  for her family to return to her as if nothing happened,   like taissa wasn’t struggling and hadn’t betrayed them.     something darker was going on here,   something taissa has told herself for 25 years now that she didn’t ever believe in —-  so why is it here,    and what does it mean?    sammy’s doll,    a picture-perfect image of her son,    along with their pet dog,   topped off with a symbol that used to make her angry,   horrify her,   and give her some strange sense of hope all at once.   in some way,   she does know what it all means:    it means that she was right to tell her family to leave,   and it means that simone was right to want to keep sammy away,   and worst of all,   it means simone is right about tai being sick.   she’s not ready to face that,   not ready to face her. 

is this what you wanted?    the words play on repeat in her head,   only from a dream,   but when she looked at simone in that hospital bed,   it’s all she can think about.   simone had done nothing but support her over the years,   but the idea of her trying to get tai help made her feel trapped,   completely out of control of her own life,   and tai refused to listen,   only making it so much worse in the process.   she was fine before simone exposed the altar in the basement,   she was convincing herself she was thriving,   that she was finally back on track —-  but now,   ever since seeing it for herself,   she’s only spiraled more,   to the point where she’s barely standing on her own anymore,   barely conscious,   and making no commitment to wait here with her wife.

she doesn’t remember how she got here.   that should terrify her,   because it means she’s only losing more control,    but for a moment,   she’s not thinking about that.   she’s never been here before,   but she knows exactly where she is —-   standing in front of mikayla’s home,   moments away from knocking and facing her again after she’d said goodbye just a few days ago,   assuming it was forever.   it’s finally starting to hit her what she’s really doing:    she’s almost ready to admit that she needs help,   but not from the person who’s been offering it,   trying so hard to give it to her even when tai doesn’t deserve the support from her.   no,   she came here because she’s always been drawn to her,   the person who has helped her before,   even when she didn’t know how,   because she wasn’t trying to give her help in ways that tai found so debilitating.   she helped her because she understood her —-  which is something tai has never given her wife the opportunity to do,   because the way she’s presented herself since rescue has always been so calculated,   so much so that even she could convince herself that was who she really was.   being around mikayla again only reminded her that it wasn’t,   that she was always going to be the person she was out in that wilderness with her —-   so now she's here,   despite no real welcome,   despite no preparation,   despite no reason for mikayla to actually give her the time of day,   but with as much as she’s lost even after assuming her life was finally settled,   this is the only place that feels right to be.    

the person on mikayla’s doorstep is not the same woman she almost kissed nights ago.   while her confidence was already faltering that night,  it’s nothing compared to this —-   bags under her bloodshot eyes,   shoulders slumped,  hair a mess,  clothes disheveled.   the state senator elect is certainly a sight to see like this,   but one that mikayla will likely be able to understand all too well:    it’s the same sleep deprived,  panicked,  barely coherent girl she used chase through the wilderness many years ago.   tai isn’t considering what it will be like for mikayla to see her like this,   she’s not considering the fact that reaching out to her like this is entirely unfair given her refusal to do the same for all those years mikayla was in prison,   and she’s definitely not considering the fact that it could be her wife who answers the door instead.    all she’s thinking about is that she needs mikayla desousa.    it’s selfish,  inconsiderate,  but maybe brave,  too —  because as she reaches her hand up to knock on the door,   she suddenly freezes.   instead of knocking,   her hand moves back to her hair,   attempting to tame the curls before smoothing her sweater in front of her.   she clears her throat,   trying to recall the last time she brushed or teeth or changed her clothes — everything before getting off that train is a blur to her now,   and she realizes she’s entirely unprepared for this,   but it’s far too late to turn back now.   

she takes a deep breath, but her usual attempt to collect herself before a confrontation fails. she realizes now that there's nothing that can properly prepare her for this conversation, she can only hope that mikayla will understand without forcing it out of her — or worse, slamming the door in her face. she shrugs it off, because she led herself here for a reason, leaving behind the people she should have been catering to instead; it can't be for nothing. finally, she knocks on the door, the tired eyes lifting into something that's almost a hopeful smile as she waits for her.

she did better with him.   there’s some irony in that —- mikayla is the kind of girl travis was terrified to talk to back at school,   always assuming that even being in her line of sight may just make him subject to ridicule of some sort   (  perhaps that was just natural for him,  always assuming everyone was thinking the worst,  because most of the time,  they were.  )   and yet,  javi clearly found some kind of comfort in her,   some kind of hope that travis couldn’t do for him,   because he never had the answers.   he could have done more,   something he thought every day when he didn’t know where he was,   and something that weighs heavily on him now,   but while he felt some sense of jealousy with mikayla when he saw that javi was starting to open up to her and not him,   that’s faded now,   replaced with a certain level of respect he’s been wanting to express to her—-  even if he still doesn’t know how.

but maybe that’s what his brother would want — for the two of them to find some common ground,  be here for each other now that they’ve both lost him.   javi cared about mikayla,  so travis does,  too.

"Oh my god."‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎Annoyance,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎said purposefully loud enough for @warpainte to hear,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎drips from her tongue.‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎The cabin sits empty,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎even Ben gone to bathe in the water‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎(the main reason she stayed behind,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎give her time to be in a space that is not occupied by the one she accuses silently in her gaze),‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎leaving behind only the ex captain and the number ten.‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎She lowers herself to the ground,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎uncomfortably moving to rest her back up against the wood that holds them all hostage.‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎In her mind,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎she whispers a line of obscenities:‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎fuck her for wanting alone time right?

“ what do you care? ” underlaying, seething resentment was the only way he'd been able to communicate with others lately. his brother's death had brought forth a regression of sorts, softened edges throughout the months now back to being as sharp as they were when the plane crashed. it didn't help that they were back to square one, the cabin burnt to the ground alongside every foundation they built. despite the detriment of losing their only shelter, having his thoughts occupied with the survival of the team was the only thing helping him keep his sanity. this is what javi would've wanted, he reluctantly reminds himself. the wilderness will help us as long as we give it what it wants. “ it's not like there's much time to sleep. unless you want to freeze to death? ” travis doesn't wait for an answer, already turning around in the opposite direction, continuing his search for wood, wanting to put as much distance between himself and the girls as possible. he can barely look them in the eye most times, but their sight is not as wretched as his own reflection, distorted and unrecognizable whenever he's able to catch a glimpse in the icy water. how could anyone sleep carrying that sort of guilt around?

she's not actually interested in a walk down memory lane --- she's just not all that interested in returning to an empty house, either, which is how she finds herself here, strolling the halls of her old high school just to pass the time. but when she sees a familiar figure at the end of the hall, she wonders if subconsciously, that's what she'd really been looking for — her. a small smile tugs at her lips, but as she approaches, she tries to wash it away, because even though she's not interested in another argument between them, she doesn't think that's the right way to greet her, either — as if it's casual, kind. she doesn't know where they stand now, preparing herself again for what might be the last time she sees her, so maybe, it's best to make it worth it.

maybe if they had just taken her original plan and went off on their own, she wouldn't feel the pounding in her head or the ache in her chest now.