i hate girl guides, a collection of thoughts
I hate girl guides. But only because i love it so much. And i know that that place is not made for who i want to be. But its the right place for me and i know it.
"You know if you keep going with that [transgender] stuff you wont be able to do guides anymore" yes i know. I have known for five years now. The thought never hurts any less.
"You dont have to go home but you cant stay here" of course i dont have to go home, how could i? You are forcing me from my first and longest home. I dont know where i can turn.
I wonder what will be the breaking point. When i start testosterone? When i change my name? My sex marker? My friend was asked to leave when he got top surgery, will it be the same for me? I dont want to go. Please dont make me go.
Who will it be, who forces me out? A faceless email from head office? A long time mentor pulling me aside? My own self, tears in its eyes? Will it help me if it hurts them too?
Is my not-quite-binary identity enough to save me? Do i want to be saved?
I need to make a choice. Do i silently phase myself out now, with the changing of the seasons, or do i dig my nails in and cling to safety for as long as i can until it is wrenched away?
Why must i leave? This is the safest place i have ever been. I have known no love like this one. Just because i cant bear to call myself a sister does not mean i want to be disowned. Why cant anyone see that?
Why is it that the navy blue is steeped in the thickest pink i have ever seen?
