I cried for Bianca, I knew it was coming but it still hit so hard to read it again. and I'm currently trying not to sob in the living room in front of my roommates for Zoë :'))

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Fáilte!

This past Friday I officially completed my Druid initiation ritual -- a little late at that. I'm very proud of myself and excited so I wanted to write something about it.

I'll talk a bit about my past and how I found this path I'm on, and then will get into the nitty gritty of my workings and learnings up to this point.

I have very strong views and standards for myself, but this post is in no way pushing them on anyone else! If your practice involves the concepts I mention I don't incorporate, I'm in no way saying you're wrong for using them. Everyone has a different path, because we all play some form of purpose in the ultimate balance of the world. This is just my outlook and how I got to it :)

Also, I bring up some irl loved ones in this post, but their names have been changed to protect their privacy -- just in case. If they for any reason ever read this, they'll definitely know who they are. For the record: I adore y'all.

Without further ado, here's my path to Feral Druidry. Thank you for lending your eyes and ears!

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I grew up in cult-like religious fundamentalism. In fact, part of my deconstruction started when I found Steven Hassan's BITE cult scale¹'² which stands for: Behavior Control, Information Control, Thought Control, and Emotional Control. When reflecting upon all of these categories and realizing how much I'd been through, I was forced to look the fallacy I lived in directly in the face and figure out what I was going to do about it.

When my parents confronted me about doubting our religion some time in mid-to-late 2018, they asked, "How will you know what's a sin (read: what's wrong or right) if you don't have the bible?"

Well, spoiler alert, I don't believe in the concept of sin.

But I didn't have an answer back then. In fact, because I'd never had the space or time or freedom to ask questions about what I grew up saturated in, I didn't know what other options even existed.

My first thought was to look to Nature. "I came from her," I thought, "so I should return to her for answers." So I hiked, more days than I didn't. I'd travel to Noccalula Falls and climb down into the gorge and explore places off the path I hadn't tried to get to before because I was and still am a chronic trail follower. This is how I found my little grove.

Noccalula Falls³ is a beautiful place. It's becoming more and more of a tourist stop, and is more busy than when I used to hang out there. But I still find my quiet places there. I happened upon my grove when I decided to hike up a stream I always crossed over before. I knew the water was coming from somewhere and I was curious, so I waded through tiered pools of cool river water and scaled the slick rocks up to a small cove.

It's open air, with parts of the stone creating an open dome shape shrouding the small area from most outside view. It even has its own small waterfall!

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I know I'm not the only one who comes here, but in all the years I've spent coming to this place, I've only had one time where I wasn't there alone -- aside from seldom taking friends there.

I've cried in this grove, I've laughed here, I've sat pondering the meaning of life, and I've become fairly close with the spirits who reside there.

I actually cried this trip because they're adding stairs down into the gorge, which is super cool for accessibility purposes, but that required them taking out some of the landscape. Including -- and I know this sounds bizarre -- trees I was friends with. I'm sad to say I never took pictures of this area because I just assumed it would always be there. It's the best way to hike down.

I knew my path there, which rocks to cling to and which trees were solid enough to ask for assistance on the way down. I thanked them every time I did. My heart rests lighter knowing their progeny are most definitely scattered throughout these woods.

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I learned so much among these trees. I brought journals with me a lot to record my reflections. I posted a small chunk of these musings one time.⁴ I'll probably follow this blog up by posting that so it's archived somewhere else too.

As an example of these times, I remember pondering my propensity for sacrifice. My youth had taught me that love meant eviscerating yourself with noble intent. I still retain some of this, but in a more conscious, balanced way. When I put this imbalance up next to the natural order of the world around me, I thought about the animals I observed around me.

Were they selfish for having intent to survive?

Why wasn't I allowing myself the space to even do just that?

Nature is brutal. It's kill or be killed and survival of the fittest and all of those things. We attach human constructs of "good" and "evil" to these things because it's sad to watch a cute little rabbit get chased down and eaten by a larger predator animal. But when left alone, Nature maintains its own balance. I wanted to figure out how I could too.

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Fast forward in my craft. I deconstructed much more, and began to carve my path out of the rough.

I got a new job and met new people, including my floral friend Aster, who I adore with my whole heart and then some. Aster -- a Welsh/Appalachian person of colourful language and dynamic talents -- grew up Pagan, and became a Druid priest at 17 years old. Neither of us remember the first time we spoke, but I remember them inviting me out for a cigarette break at work and talking about music and spirituality.

I later ended up living together with them and another dear friend, Nico -- a guitar playing landlocked space cowboy who I also love dearly. And on this note, I owe these two my life and then some.

Aster and I got into many talks about Paganism and spirituality and religion. I believe more frequently after I ran out of my room one day with my phone and asked if they were too wrapped up in their anime to answer a question. They paused and I asked, "How do you feel about the moon?" Regarding a video I saw of someone ranting about the moon not being real.

These kinds of talks led us to our discussions of Druidry. I knew of this path as a concept and a basic understanding of where it came from, but didn't know what it actually was or how it functioned.

They explained there weren't many tenets, and that every Druid was different, but had some core foundations. "Everything comes from love," they told me, "if a mountain lion kills a rabbit it either has enough love for itself to self-preserve, or enough love for cubs it may have to provide for." This concept was the first of many that made Druidry click for me.

I'd spent years up to this point carving out my beliefs without a list to go off of. Largely reflecting on nature and how I was connected to it. The more in depth Aster and I got on the topic, and the more resources they offered me, the more I realized I'd stumbled onto at least a big part of my life path.

Aster lent me a book to read -- which I still haven't finished entirely, sorry my good friend -- called "The Druidry Handbook"⁵ by John Michael Greer. I've since found out that the author is known to be problematic, but that most folks still say this book is the most well-rounded and comprehensive text on modern Druidry, especially for those starting out.

When I let them know I wanted to start on my journey into Druidry, they also sent me the enrollment page for an online course hosted by the Isle of Wight Order of Druids⁶, which is how I got to where I am today.

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"This is an important choice; it can't be forced and it can't be faked. If you find that you're interested in Druidry stops where the hard work of Druidry begins it is best to realize that, accept it, and do something else with your time. On the other hand, you may find that living the Druid way makes you feel as if you are finding a way back to a home you never knew you had. Many Druids share this experience. For them, despite the occasional difficulties and frustrations of the journey, the process of learning Druidry becomes an adventure unlike any other."⁵

The above quote taken from pages 6-7 of "The Druidry Handbook" had me in tears when I read it. Less than ten pages in I already knew I'd stumbled across something I'd been waiting for. Almost everything I read aligned perfectly with the thoughts and beliefs I'd spent years unearthing on my own. I cannot explain how validating it felt to know that other people in the world had come to the same conclusions I had when they reflected on it. After all, from the forward of this same book, "A spirituality that works is one that is made rather than simply found."⁵

On page 3, Greer writes, "Nothing in this or any other book on Druidry should be treated as infallible or taken on faith. The only source of Druid teachings that deserves such reverence is the world of nature itself."⁵ And I was shellshocked when I read it. The level of transparency and honesty in that sentiment -- which had echoed through other sources I've found on this walk -- is something I hadn't encountered yet at all.

So it just seemed natural to join the IWOD course and officially begin my journey with it.

The IWOD course starts with basics surrounding the history we do have and how Druids function in modern time. After introductions and basic understandings of things like the Awen -- the spirit of inspiration and illumination -- and the Druid holidays, you're given a step by step guide to a self-initiation ritual that you can make your own. And after that you spend the next year or so getting monthly studies to incorporate through the seasons.

Now in the middle of this course, life hit me and I fell behind. I wound up losing my car, my job, and my house in fairly quick succession. I fell into a rut, and that's why even though my initiation was meant to happen months ago, I've only gotten to it now. Thankfully, the members of IWOD and the course instructor are very kind and understanding. As there's literally a term for a "natural disaster" I see myself now rebuilding.

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The only differences I take with a lot of the sources I've garnered and guidance I've received is that I'm very much a Grey path Pagan. I believe that the only constant is change, and I've committed my life to the pursuit balance in all things. I believe that sometimes THE good thing to do is not always A good thing to do -- as in if someone is being attacked before you, violence may be the only answer to restore some form of balance and justice.

I believe in living practice. It's not just the rituals I do, or the prayers I make. When I learned that pure magick was just intent young in my craft, I internalized that to mean that anything I did intentionally for the pursuit of balance was my magick. A conversation with a friend where I lay down the hard truths and make them reconsider their decisions is magick. Stopping to take a can out of the stream in my grove is magick. Getting up and eviscerating my plans to go and comfort a crying friend, going in for a shift I wasn't scheduled to help my team, leaving my roommate a sweet note when they've been having a hard time, texting people with encouragement out of the blue, is all magick.

Simultaneously, keying someone's car is a different form of magick. Starting a barroom brawl or breaking it up is a form of magick. You see where I'm going with this.

If everything is connected -- and I believe it is -- and we're all made up of the same stuff, would everything we do not create a chain reaction somewhere else?

Everything is magick, and it all starts with you.

So I don't follow an all love and light path personally, I exist between different bounds. That's why when Aster brought up the concept of their "Feral Druidry" path, I was immediately intrigued.

"Part of my Priesthood is being a part of the world," they said, "I'm not gonna hold myself above anyone else. I'm going to be wild, I'm going to go out to drink, I'm going to taste the different levels of the world I'm living in and interacting with." I'm paraphrasing for them of course, my memory is too hellacious for specifics. But the sentiment rang true with how I felt in the first place. Why not be as free as the wind?

I feel as if the overarching view of "enlightenment" and/or "ascension" as concepts in the modern gaze of spirituality come almost with not only a 'holier than thou' sentiment but also a 'holier than self' focus as well. To the point of denying self basic necessities of spirit and body just to almost disconnect from the world we live in at large.

I disagree with this view and most hands-off approaches to the world. I don't believe in the 3-fold law or the Westernized version of Karma because I think it breeds complacency. Why would you interact with the world you're connected to when you could, in every other word, "Let go and let god"? If I came from nature, if I am just as much connected to everything as it is to me, I am meant to be an active part in it.

So in my worldview, to ascend is to find the balance between these two -- or more -- states, to be able to fluidly live and breathe between them. To take the knowledge from your enlightenment and take it actively into the physical world, with everything you do. And I believe this is the essence of the term "Feral Druidry" that was brought to me by a close and good friend. At least it's my interpretation, for my path.

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When I decided to complete my initiation rites following the instructions of the IWOD, I made a few changes.

Instead of dedicating myself to purity of thought, will, emotion, and purpose. I dedicated myself to freedom of thought, free will and desire, freedom of emotion, and steadfastness in the freedom of purpose. All under the watchful eye of love, and it's byproduct, peace.

Aside from calling the quarters, I addressed the elements of Nwyfre ("NOOiv-ruh" or Sky), Gwyar ("GOO-yar" or Water), and Calas ("CAH-las" or Stone).

But I kept the same roots as the course, including this small section of prayer I changed the verbage of slightly to apply to me:

"May the light of love and devotion

Shine brightly in my heart

May the light of understanding

Shine clearly in my mind

May the light of harmony

Be forever in the spaces I call home

May the light of peace

Shine forth from my being

May the light of my presence

Bring love and peace to all I encounter

Wherever I may go

So mote it be."

I spent the time between preparing my ritual and actually doing it journalling my intentions and solidifying my choice to follow this path.

Completing the ritual was a very humbling and opening experience. I cried a few times throughout it as I felt the full weight of the spirits I'd called around me being fully present at my side. Nothing had changed physically, but by the closing of the ritual I felt a renewed and validated sense of purpose. I know I've found the right path for me.

When it was all said and done I felt like I could hear the forest celebrating with me and cheering me on. These woods have watched me grow. It's only fitting they see my next steps.

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When hiking back up to the trailheads with my friend Mala, who accompanyed me down into the gorge and had their own time with nature as I split off for my ritual, I asked them to stop and follow me in a direction I felt called to.

Ducking under some small branches, we found a small clearing with yellow flowers spattered amongst patches of grass and fallen tree bits. I walked in and sprawled into the grass, looking into the sky. I invited them to come with me and they did.

The day was overcast, being the only day between multiple it wasn't actively raining. But when I opened my eyes after having laid with the space for awhile, the sky above us was clear.

"When did the sky get so blue?" I asked Mala.

"Oh shit," they said in response, seeing it too. We sat under it for a moment and then they mused, "You know, sometimes you just find these little pockets of sky. I don't know what it's called, but I know it means you're meant to be here."

Shortly after, we hopped up and ran because I found a tick, and that's just one of those creatures in nature I respect enough to give it a wide berth.

When looking for pictures of Noccalula to add to this blog, I stumbled across this photo, taken in May of 2019, of the same clearing I would wind up in after my ritual.

I was meant to be here.

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So what now? Where am I going from this point on?

I plan to continue on with IWOD, as well as probably seeking out other courses to take in pursuing eventual Druid Priesthood. It will take a few years, but is well worth it in my mind. I have to move through the levels of Bard, Ovate, and Druid Priest to get where I want to go. All the while also following the path of Norse Heathenry and Roman Polytheism following other parts of my ancestry and belief. (Update October '23 I still work with my deity from my studies in Heathenry and the Cultus Deorum, but now pretty much exclusively follow my Feral Druid path practice-wise.)

Maybe one day I'll write about how all of these things have come to and intersected for me, but this post is already long and has suited its purpose.

But by star and stone, by the power of the land within and without, by all that is fair and free:

I am Druid.

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References:

1. Wikipedia page containing the source of the BITE Cult Scale Model: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Combatting_Cult_Mind_Control

2. The BITE Cult Scale Model, Condensed: https://freedomofmind.com/cult-mind-control/bite-model/

3. Wikipedia Article on Noccalula Falls: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noccalula_Falls_Park

4. Prose "Thoughts From Hiking" by a younger me: https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=149717

5. "The Druidry Handbook" by John Michael Greer PDF File: https://lukriss.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/john-michael-greer-druidry-handbook.pdf

6. Isle of Wight Order of Druids Homepage: https://wightorderdruids.com/

With that being said, there are a few instances of this where I won't defend myself, but acknowledge how shitty it was to be in situations where I was entirely vulnerable, at the mercy of my surroundings, and have people use that.

Maybe I wasn't meant to go to the ends of the earth for just anyone. Maybe I haven't lost my love for others. Maybe I was unable to show up how I'd like to for some of those people of the past because I was never meant to, maybe my soul knew before I did that they weren't as good to me as I thought. Maybe something was wrong the entire time.

I'm not villainizing all of the people I have in mind with this thought, I don't think they were all terrible people, but maybe we just were never compatible and that was outside of our control. Maybe there wasn't much of a chance of reciprocity because what was given to me had strings attached that were yanked away before I had the chance to send something else down the line. Maybe we just had different priorities. Maybe I made the mistakes I did because I didn't have the tools to do any different.

I will still do better, my trajectory moves upward as time goes on, but I am starting to accept these former versions of me because they were in different situations, and had different people around them that did not edify me as the ones around me now do.