#vuelie

However, unlike the aftermath of the Great Thaw, Elsa found a thread of her attention diverted elsewhere. Before, when she could focus all of herself on Anna and their reunion after so many agonizing years apart, now there was something else needling her thoughts, beckoning her scrutiny.

As preparations were hastily being made for Anna to assume her role as reigning queen, Elsa found herself ducking out in spare moments, summoning the Nokk to ride out across the waves, cherishing peaceful moments in the bracingly crisp sea-salt air. Sometimes, without realizing it, Elsa discovered that she (or perhaps the Nokk) had steered them towards the lonely glacier- that cold, austere beacon in the Dark Sea.

She came to understand that the spirits, and by extension Ahtohallan (though the will of the glacier was still difficult to parse), desired that Elsa should spend more time in the North, learning and communing with the unique forces that inhabited the land. Land that was strange, yet felt as though it ought to be familiar, as part of their mother’s heritage.

Anna was…hesitant at first, when Elsa mentioned spending more time away from Arendelle, away from her. Elsa herself had misgivings, after all- was there really a need for her to live in the North when she was already a short (water horse) ride away? Surely the spirits didn’t need her to function- they seemed perfectly capable and self sufficient without her interference. But, Elsa reasoned- this was also the chance to experience something different, to learn new things, and- if nothing else, she had a voracious appetite for knowledge. It was an opportunity to meet new people and experience their mother’s birthplace.

It was an opportunity, Elsa told herself, not a vocation which required her permanent relocation; ultimately her will was her own, spirits or no.

So, as they neared the third week after the events at the dam, Elsa began spending a day or two at a time in the North. Yelena was gracious enough to offer her a place in their camp among the Northuldra- somewhere to rest her head after days spent wandering the great expanse.

The primary focus of her curiosity and thirst for insight was Ahtohallan. What exactly were the limits of that primordial place, and what would it be willing to show her? Was there anything she could not ask of it?

She began by testing the glacier with requests for simple memories- Anna’s first birthday, the last Christmas they’d had all together, their mother reading them a bedtime story. Little things that were happy, if bittersweet; nothing that would sting too sharply to revisit.

When all these things were provided for her, Elsa moved on to more recent events. There was one in particular that had been lurking in the back of her mind- one that, if she were being honest with herself, should really be a conversation with another participant, not part of some voyeuristic exercise. Elsa knew that she and Anna still had things to talk about, heavy, important things, but in all the recent commotion, there hadn’t seemed an appropriate moment to broach everything that needed saying.

It wasn’t that they weren’t going to talk- of course they would. But, in the mean time…

Surely she could spare Anna the burden of recounting everything, she thought, crowding out the sliver of guilt that told her she wasn’t being as altruistic as she’d like to make herself believe. She let curiosity drown out the small voice that said maybe she shouldn’t ask to see this, that maybe, it wasn’t so harmless a request.

Elsa stood in the center of the ancient crystalline cavern and let her eyes drift closed, conjuring her question- and the desire for answers in her mind. She pictured the last glimpse of light before her world went dark, her last thought -Anna- before there were no more. And then after, when she’d regained consciousness for a moment during the fall- hitting the water below and knocking all the breath from her body- darkness eclipsing her vision once more as the sea claimed her.

Elsa shook her head, pulling back from that moment, focusing on the void between.

What had happened while she was frozen?

With the command firmly in her mind, her eyes flashed open.

“Show me,” she called out.

Slowly particles of snow and magic rose from the floor, swirling in a vortex of powder, higher and higher in an enormous cloud - until with a burst it dissipated, and shapes of sculpted snow gradually revealed themselves. Elsa stepped closer, cautiously skirting the edge of the scene until she was face to face with-

“Anna,” she breathed.

Suddenly, the recreation of Olaf began to speak- both figures coming slowly to life, gaining momentum as Elsa observed them.

“I see a way out,” he said, pointing up into the distance.

Elsa watched the bleached image of her sister and Olaf wander through outcroppings of rock, following behind as they rounded a corner- catching herself as she nearly bumped into the snowman.

She listened as they spoke to one another- speculating about Elsa and how she was fairing on her journey- and her heart began to sink in overwhelming dread.

“Anna, I’m sorry. You’re gonna have to do this next part on your own, okay?”

Elsa pressed a trembling hand hard over her mouth, stifling a choked gasp as her eyes stung with sudden tears.

She knew of course that Olaf had disintegrated once she’d been completely frozen- she’d felt what was left of him and the lingering essence of her magic after she had thawed. But this...

Watching as he flaked away piece by piece in front of Anna.

Oh Olaf.

Oh,

Anna.

Elsa’s vision blurred as Anna gathered their snowman into her arms, tears spilling silently as her sister whispered, “I love you.”

She sobbed and her legs buckled; Elsa sank to her knees, joining the ghost of Anna on the floor as she grasped the ordinary pieces that were left of Olaf, putting them carefully into her satchel with shaking hands and breathless tears.

She followed Anna as she curled against the rocky wall, hugging the bag to her chest desperately as she wept. Elsa sat, tucking her legs under her, mirroring the grief that stained the snowy cheeks of her sister’s image. She leaned against the wall of hard packed snow, reaching out an unsteady hand, unable to resist offering comfort -even to a memory long past. Elsa brushed the back of her fingers across a cold cheek- though the face before her did not register the touch, she couldn’t stop herself trying.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

She stayed there with Anna, for what could have been hours, yet felt like a single endless moment of sorrow, in which she struggled to breathe around the weight of her heart, heavy as a stone in her chest.

When Anna at last began to stumble to her feet, Elsa exhaled raggedly, expelling a sliver of the pressure from around her ribs.

“Enough,” she commanded with a wave of her hand, her voice thick and rough. The image of Anna flurried away, leaving Elsa alone in the cavern once more.

She pushed herself up on shaking legs, weighed down by her sister’s grief. Wiping a hand under her eyes, she cleared the last of the dampness from her face, sagging against the wall behind her. Elsa shut her eyes, gathering herself with a few deep, steadying breaths. She pursed her lips and whistled, calling on the bond she had with the water spirit, summoning the Nokk from the depths of the Dark Sea.

After a moment an echoing whinny sounded from the tunnels beyond, and the guardian trotted out to her. The spirit bent its watery head, nudging Elsa’s face gently. She lifted a hand to the Nokk’s muzzle, stroking a hand along its cheek, letting her magic frost the great horse over.

The Nokk nickered softly at her and Elsa smiled. “Thank you my friend,” she looked up into opaque, glowing eyes.

“Take me home.”

-

“Anna?” Elsa called softly through the door, just barely rapping her knuckles against the wood.

After a moment of silence she eased the door open, slipping inside and shutting it soundlessly behind her.

“Elsa?”

She turned as Anna propped herself up groggily, rubbing at an eye with her fist. Her sister reached over and adjusted the oil lamp on the bedside table; the small flame climbed higher, illuminating tousled hair and a confused smile as she squinted at Elsa.

Elsa blinked; the stark contrast between her very real, vibrant sister before her- and the snowy vision she had just spent the better part of the night with jarring her off center. She was suddenly very aware of the fact that she’d been crying for hours and had now barged in on Anna after racing across the sea in the dead of night.

She plucked at her fingers, wringing her hands.

“I...um, I’m sorry I know it’s late- early- I just... I -missed you,” she finished clumsily, uncharacteristically tongue tied. She couldn’t just blindside Anna with what she had seen in Ahtohallan after waking her like this.

Anna stared back at her owlishly and Elsa floundered, at a loss.

“Sorry, I should go- you should sleep, I’ll come back-“ Elsa motioned behind her at the door, already backing up and feeling quite embarrassed.

“Elsa,” Anna interrupted her, shaking off some of her groggy haze and throwing back the covers. “Get in here.”

Elsa smiled, relieved and grateful to have been spared her awkward exit. She made her way to the bed, slipping under the covers and curling into her sister’s sleepy warmth, leaning her head on Anna’s shoulder. Anna grabbed her hand, interweaving their fingers. She stifled a yawn, only just.

“You know you can see me whenever you want Elsa, you don’t need an invitation.”

“I know- I’m just, sorry about the time, I wasn’t thinking.”

Anna wiggled herself deeper into the bed, sinking back against her pillow. “S’okay. As long as you don’t mind if I happen to doze off for a bit?”

Elsa breathed a laugh into her sister’s shoulder. “Go ahead.”

She found herself selfishly relieved to have a few peaceful moments by Anna’s side, their inevitable conversation put off just a little bit longer.

-

Elsa felt Anna drift off- her head falling against hers with a quiet snore. She smiled to herself, brushing a thumb over Anna’s knuckles.

-

After another hour or so Anna began to fidget beside her, inhaling deeply as she stretched herself awake.

“Hey sleeping beauty.”

Anna wiped the sleep from her eyes and grinned at Elsa. “Hey.”

Her voice was still charmingly rough from slumber. Elsa straightened a few wayward copper locks- the ones that always seemed to escape wildly while Anna slept- and swept her fingers through her bangs.

Anna pushed herself up, fluffing the pillows behind her for support before leaning back with a yawn. She let herself fall slightly into Elsa’s shoulder, giving their clasped hands a little double squeeze.

They sat there in comfortable silence, enjoying each other’s presence in the predawn gloom, cozy in the heat and diffused light from the crackling fire.

Anna cleared her throat quietly.

“You know,” she fussed with Elsa’s fingers, doing her best to sound casual, “you don’t have to stay there in the North, you can come back, if you want to. You will always be a queen in Arendelle.”

“I know,” Elsa brought her free hand up to lift Anna’s chin. “But first... first I want Arendelle- and the world, to see how incredible you are as queen. I want them all to see how well you lead, how brightly you shine,” she slid her fingers along the top of Anna’s cheekbone, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “The way I do.”

Anna blushed and ducked her chin, pleased.

Elsa cocked her head, catching her sister’s eye, “It’s not forever.”

Anna looked back at her, nodding silently after a moment.

“Besides, there are still some things I have to learn from the spirits, and Ahtohallan. I’d like to spend some time with the Northuldra- learn more about them and mother’s family. You could join me sometime?” she offered.

“I’d like that.”

Anna rested her head on Elsa’s shoulder with a sigh.

Elsa focused her attention on their hands, brushing her thumb over Anna’s knuckles anxiously, knowing she needed to start the conversation she was really here for.

“You know... no matter where I am- where we are- Olaf was right… my love will always remain with you.”

Anna went ridged beside her. There was a moment of unbearable stillness, then-

“Elsa... how do you... know about that?”

She swallowed.

“I was… in Ahtohallan, and I thought I would ask it to show me a memory. I’ve been practicing, trying to understand the limits of that place and how it all works. There’s been a gap in my memory- everything that happened when you were saving Arendelle, saving me. I…I asked to see it.”

“…why didn’t you just ask me?”

Her brow drew inward, more guilt creeping in, hearing the hurt in Anna’s voice.

“There’s been so much going on and I was going to ask you- going to talk about this- but I didn’t think…,” she trailed off. Elsa wasn’t sure what she would’ve done if she'd known exactly how painful, how devastating it would be before she had asked for the memory. Would she have come straight to Anna- or would she have forced herself to watch anyway? Either way- that little voice in the back of her mind reproached her- she should’ve known better, and she should have given Anna the chance to tell her. “I didn’t think, I’m sorry.”

They sat, tense beside each other in the pregnant silence, avoidant gazes fixed on the bedspread.

“Elsa... you didn’t even, you didn’t even say goodbye. You promised me,” Anna gripped her hand, a little too hard, though Elsa didn’t protest. “And then you sent us away. Even Olaf...Olaf was angry Elsa.”

Elsa sat upright, turning back to look at her.

“Olaf? He was...angry?” she asked in a small voice.

Anna pressed her lips together, clenching her teeth against the memory of that moment.

“Yes. So was I,” she said, her eyes trained on her lap.

Elsa hung her head.

“Anna I’m so sorry,” she whispered thickly. Elsa swallowed, looking out the window, unable to meet her eyes.

She licked her lips.

“Mother and father,” she trailed off, brow furrowing deeply. “They died because of me. I don’t mean-“ she raised a hand before Anna could interrupt her, “that it was my... fault.”

It almost sounded convincing, though Anna knew it would be a long time yet before Elsa believed in her heart of hearts that it wasn’t.

“But they did leave to find answers about my powers, why I am the way I am. They couldn’t cross the dark sea; they... didn’t have magic.

I know how strong you are, how brave and determined, and resilient, but...I don’t think the spirits would have let anyone else near Ahtohallan. It was difficult enough for me, even with my powers...,” Elsa’s gaze grew distant, remembering the way the Nokk had tossed her through the dark sea, wrenching her around brutally like a rag doll, nearly drowning her.

She thought of Anna in her place- the water spirit pushing her into the deep... trapped at the bottom of the dark ocean under its hooves, no magic she could call upon to save her. Elsa’s heart spasmed painfully and she shook her head, clearing the ghastly image away.

“To let you walk by my side into that, when we had just seen mama and papa’s last moments in that awful sea, I just couldn’t,” Elsa’s eyes spilled over with tears. “You have every right to be angry with me, for as long as you want, but I couldn’t lose you a third time because of me, because of my magic.”

Elsa stared down at their hands while her sister remained silent. Anna’s fingers shifted, flexing, and for a terrifying moment Elsa thought she might let go, but she only readjusted her grip and took a deep breath.

“Whether it was right in the end or not, you took that choice from us Elsa. I know... I know that’s how you’ve always done things- you push me away to protect me. It’s second nature, I get that. But you don’t know how it feels being on the other side of it. Having the person you love most push you away,” Anna paused, swallowing roughly. “And then running, by herself, straight into the danger that killed our parents.”

Her jaw worked as she fought her rising emotions.

“And then Olaf was gone, you were gone... I was all alone,” her voice broke. She looked at Elsa as her eyes welled. The word unspoken hung in the silence between them like a hammer waiting to fall:

Again.

Elsa bowed low over their clasped hands, her body curling as if from a physical blow. Silver blonde hair fell in a curtain around her, like a shroud; her forehead pressed into the back of Anna’s hand.

Anna felt her sister’s tears against her skin, anointing their hands with her remorse. Each drop that fell another sharp nick that cut at her heart. Slender, pale shoulders began to shake; Anna held Elsa’s hand tight, fighting the desperate urge to pull her into her arms.

They shared the same pain. They would always share the same pain. But as much as it killed her to see Elsa suffer, knowing how prone her sister was to self recrimination, she needed her to see the damage her choice had wrought.

That her actions had opened Anna up to the darkness she had never before felt so viscerally. That even for the briefest of moments her life had stretched out interminably before her without Elsa in it. That she had been forced to imagine somehow going on with her heart missing.

Now they both knew and would carry their matching wounds, and eventually, scars. The intimate knowledge of loss shadowing their hearts, dormant but always lurking, like the sudden flair of an old injury long healed.

“I didn’t even know what had happened to you. All I knew was you were out there alone somewhere, and you were- that you had-”

Anna stuttered as the grief finally overwhelmed her, heavy and unstoppable, searing her throat as she tried in vain to hold it back.

“Elsa I thought you were dead,” she sobbed, crumpling under its weight now that it was spoken.

Elsa surged forward, wrapping her arms around Anna, drawing her tightly against her. They sunk back into the bed, Anna’s face pressed to the crook of her sister’s neck, clawing at Elsa’s back for purchase like a drowning woman grappling a life preserver.

She felt the void creep near again- that life without Elsa in it- the poisonous fear reaching infectious tendrils out to wrap around her heart. Anna crushed her closer, as if she might fuse them together, Elsa’s physical presence and their connection warding off the awful future that could have been but wasn’t, yet loomed over Anna for all that it had been briefly real.

She wept soundlessly, drawing breath in great shuddering gasps. Elsa hung on, her own tears slipping down silently into Anna’s hair.

-

They held each other as the anguish slowly subsided, battered hearts wrung through with exhaustion; sharing the same breath, existing in the stillness after the storm.

-

Elsa rested her chin atop Anna’s head, skating her nails lightly across her shoulder.

“What happened when I was... gone…,” she started quietly, breaking the heavy silence. Anna’s hands fisted in the fabric at the small of her back.

“I know what it felt like, that day. I know what you felt when you...on the fjord...”

“What do you mean?” Anna mumbled into her shoulder. Her eyes felt raw and puffy, her head full of wool. She was so tired.

“You were right, about Ahtohallan; I went too far. Mother wasn’t quite right though- I didn’t drown, I... froze.”

“Wait, what?” Anna murmured, pulling back to look at her sister incredulously. “You...but how?”

“I’m not sure. I suppose... because Ahtohallan is the source of my magic?” Elsa shrugged, shaking her head. “I don’t know. Unfortunately getting answers there isn’t always a straight forward experience,” Elsa’s gaze grew distant as the memory flashed through her body. “But now I know what’s it’s like to feel... cold.”

Elsa’s voice was haunted; Anna rubbed her hands up and down her sister’s back, as if she could chase away the memory of that terminal chill. How awful, Anna thought, for Elsa to be on the receiving end of her magic, to have it turned against her that way. She knew how dark and empty it was, how painfully the ice burned.

“I’m sorry you had to experience that.”

Elsa looked at her, gaze sorrowful and piercing with regret, and Anna knew she wasn’t thinking about her own death.

I’m sorry you experienced that, because of me.

Anna shook her head, dismissing her sister’s long absolved guilt. It wasn’t necessary to revisit that, certainly not now.

“Just... don’t you dare say we’re even now,” Anna sniffled, her voice wobbling.

Elsa shook her head and held Anna closer.

The sun had finally begun its morning ascent, and Anna’s now over sensitive eyes squinted against the light filtering in. Elsa extricated herself and slipped off the bed, crossing to the window to shut the curtains.

Anna pushed herself up sluggishly, swinging her legs over the bed, watching her.

Elsa turned, a hand still gripping the curtain. She observed Anna silently.

Stepping back towards the bed, the full, translucent panels of her dress fluttered around her as she knelt at Anna’s feet. Elsa took Anna’s hands in hers, contemplating them for a moment before she spoke.

“I have been an irresponsible steward of the love you’ve given me.”

She brushed her thumbs back and forth over Anna’s knuckles.

“I thought that because I have powers I could put myself in harms way to keep you safe. That as long as you lived, it didn’t matter what happened to me... you’ve always mattered more to me than my own life Anna,” she squeezed her sister’s hands when they twitched. “It’s true. I don’t think that will ever change,” she smiled ruefully.

“But, living that way, making the choices I have- that’s only ever hurt us both. I can’t promise I’ll be perfect, or that I still won’t make mistakes but... I realize now; that has to change.”

Elsa looked up at Anna. “I’m so sorry for what I’ve put you through in my ignorance,” she whispered.

Anna drew in a shuddering breath, tugging at Elsa’s hands until she was on her feet. Wrapping arms around her waist, she leaned her cheek against Elsa’s breast, sighing at the steady thump beneath her ear. A moment later she felt a cool hand on the back of her neck and another softly combing through her hair.

“Well, you know,” she said weakly, “I’m not exactly perfect either.”

“I’m not so sure,” Elsa murmured, placing a kiss to the crown of her head.

Anna snorted quietly, shaking her head against her sister’s chest. She gave Elsa’s waist a squeeze.

“I love you.”

Elsa brushed her thumb softly over Anna’s cheek.

“I love you too.”

She gently guided Anna’s face back so she could look at her. “But as much as I love you, I think now I desperately need sleep. What do you think?”

“Oh god, yes please.”

Elsa chuckled.

While Anna settled back beneath the covers, she placed another log on the fire, now blazing warmly in the hearth near the bed. Winter was upon them, and while the natural cold still did not affect her, Elsa was now more acutely aware than ever of the little ways the weather could impact those around her.

She slipped into bed, opening her arms as Anna sought her out, curling against her.

“Comfortable?”

Anna mumbled something affirmative into her shoulder.

“Warm enough?”

Again, she received a muffled hum.

Elsa fought a smile, and before she could resist, she lowered the temperature of her feet, nudging them against Anna’s bare ankles.

Anna yelped, kicking her feet away, tangling her legs in the sheets as she tried to avoid suddenly icy skin. Elsa bit her lip, trying not to laugh as she banished the cold and her body regained its natural heat. Anna tapped her foot against her sister’s skittishly, making sure they weren’t freezing. She eyed her suspiciously before scootching back in with a huff. Elsa grinned sheepishly.

“Just making sure you were paying attention.”

Anna gave her a sleepy glare, spoiling the effect with an adorable pout.

“Don’t get cheeky, I’ll order you to the stocks.”

“We don’t have stocks Anna.”

“Well then I’ll have some made,” she grumbled, burrowing her face into Elsa’s clavicle. “I’m the queen, I can do what I want.”

Elsa dropped a kiss to the top of Anna’s head. “Of course, your majesty.”

“That’s more like it,” Anna smirked, snuggling into Elsa’s warmth. “Now as your queen I command you to stop stalling and go back to sleep.”

She felt Elsa’s quiet laughter, her ribs shaking beneath Anna’s arms.

“Careful you don’t let all that power go to your head. You might have an uprising on your hands, ordering people about like that.”

“Hah! I happen to know powerful magic people who would crush any uprising should the need arise.”

Elsa propped herself up on her elbow, observing her sister- eyes closed with haughty expression on her face.

“Is that so?”

“Mhmm. It is so.”

Elsa smirked and raised an eyebrow. “And what if I choose not to help you oppress the poor people of Arendelle?”

“Who says I meant you? Maybe I was talking about the trolls.”

After a beat of silence she cracked an eye open to look at Elsa.  

“Don’t make me use this,” Elsa held up her pinky threateningly. Anna went cross eyed as the digit inched closer to her nose, then batted it away with a giggle.

“Stop that. Seriously, we should rest- there’s still a full day waiting, as you well know.”

Elsa hummed thoughtfully. “True. But I also know that a queen has the ability to rearrange her schedule- within reason,” she added, seeing the mischievous look on Anna’s face. “I may have already let Kai know you’d probably have a late start and to shift anything pressing to this afternoon- or tomorrow if at all possible. I’ll help you with any paperwork you need to make up,” Elsa paused, grimacing a little. “Sorry, I hope that was alright- I should have asked.”

Anna beamed and squeezed her tight, until Elsa let out a soft wheeze.

“Have I ever told you you’re the best?”

Elsa looked down at her fondly, tracing the line of Anna’s nose with a finger.