#vt's simming problems

I think I need to take some time away from posting. I need to play for me for a while, without the pressures of having a blog. I loathe taking screenshots, for one thing, and I'd much rather play than compose a story post, which means I tend to play so far ahead of my posts that I forget where I am with the drafts because I also loathe note-taking. Besides, blogging often feels like a chore or an obligation, which may actually be the reason why I've procrastinated so much on getting my beloved hood set up again, despite being desperate to play. I feel about blogging the way I feel about using ACR and keeping lots in sync: something I desperately wish I could cut from my simming habits.

Another thing is that I still suffer from severe PTSD. Kulo Sena is the only thing that I started during That Time at That Place that's still with me now, and it's seen me through the depression that followed. Therefore, it's extremely precious to me... and the only thing that does mean that much to me that I've shared. In general, I don't go public with things I love deeply, only sharing them with the people I love most and know I can trust. Sims 2 in general and KS in particular are escapism and a major emotional release for me; my playstyle has been outright attacked before now, and seeing anyone in the simming community slam the way someone else's game is makes my blood boil.

I've tried. I've tried so hard to keep on posting and just do me on my blog regardless. I've tried not to let hateful trolls drive me away from the community. But I can't any more. I can't share Kulo Sena's story because I need it to be just for me, like my solo RPGs. I'm done trying to find a sense of belonging - I've learned over the last few years that I don't actually want one. I just want to do what I do: live as a hermit and enjoy worldbuilding.

On one hand, I do want to get the building done now, so that's one less stress she has to deal with. On the other hand... yeah, I'm scared. I don't feel like I can face anything now. I depend on my mum for pretty much everything - I literally cannot cope with daily life at all and I've been getting increasingly fearful for my own future as my parents have aged. I don't want to lose my best friend. Not like this... not when I still have the stress of building hanging over both of us. I feel terrible.

I have options. I could keep playing this iteration, building and all. I could start a new, smaller version, almost legacy- or BACC-style, so I wouldn't have to make every sim at once - not that I can ever play to a challenge ruleset, hence the "almost." I could start a new project entirely, although I don't know what it could be. But what I do know is I feel overwhelmed, even furnishing this one lot is giving me panic attacks.

Kulo Sena is well on its way to being something resembling an uberhood, with four subhoods, two "downtowns" as regions of the Spirit World, one university (also representing the Spirit World, and there are at least three more in the pipelines) and way too many lots to build. And you know me and building.

Here's the thing, though: I've been on a major text-string replacing kick in my TS2 game. I've replaced strings for the names of the seasons, the days of the week, all the romantic interactions, the zodiac signs, you name it. All to give my game more of a fantasy flavour, reflecting the worldbuilding I've already done for it, and also to help me feel more at ease with romance as a gameplay element.

So I was chatting with my mum this evening, and we were talking about doing the same sort of thing for my own view of building - reframing it as something other than a tedious chore that I have to keep doing because no downloaded lots ever meet my sims' needs. Here's what we've come up with...

If you play TS2 as a life simulator (as opposed to a building simulator or a shooter) then you are probably the kind of player who loves your sims. Like I am. Therefore, building is an act of kindness. It's what you do to ensure that your sims don't starve or freeze on an empty lot, and that's what makes the actual playing bit possible. And if, like me, you loathe the task, even if you're only building for pixels... that makes it closer to a truly selfless or charitable act.

I'm really loving writing up my loreposts, and they always get me fired up about the (still WIP) rebuild of Kulo Sena... until I get to the actual, y'know, rebuild part.

As anyone familiar with my personal posts knows, I loathe building and associate it with soul-crushing despair. I am not exaggerating in the slightest. But I'm at a point where everything needs setting up again, and no other downloaded or pre-built lots actually suit my needs or my sims', so... building.

I have forty-five lots in four subhoods (and that's just the residential lots!) to do, and I've been back to square one for this or that reason so many times over the last three weeks. I can't stand it.

I know I can build, but I despise doing it. I also know that if my lots aren't "good enough" - if I slop through building to get to playing faster - I'll get dissatisfied and scrap it within the first three households. It's a vicious cycle, and it's depressing.

So, what's going on, you ask? When I create a hood with nothing in my Downloads folder, then add a mod that summons sims (like Sim Blender or Inge's teleporter) and reload the hood, the summon menu is fine, albeit full of useless townies. When I create a hood with those mods present... the only options, and I have tested this repeatedly, are: "Summon Default.../" (Father Time or Santa) and "Summon $Family.../" (Toddler New Year).

I also feel like Kulo Sena and I are outgrowing each other... but I don't have a concept for a new hood, other than: - I don't want to play to any challenge ruleset - I want to start smaller, much smaller, but not legacy-style - I have a few vague ideas for a brighter, quirkier aesthetic and it's just hard to start from nothing. I'd have to make a new download cut, recolour hairs, build a different style of houses, make sims, name sims... you have no idea how much I actually struggle with TS2 setup.

You see, I think Kulo Sena and my TS2 playstyle have outgrown each other. I'm converting the Senaverse into a solo RPG setting, and I'm planning on starting a new hood in TS2 - one that works with, not against, the limitations of the game, while still being escapism and self-expression for me.

Here's the thing: it can't truly be that liberating feeling of getting to do anything I want with my game if I'm sharing my stories. Not while I still suffer from PTSD. I feel like when I share what I do, I'm censoring my own gameplay because "I have a blog!" and although I'm not wanting to be Evil in my game, I do want to create different ways of living for my sims, and I hold back on that when I blog for fear of triggering my readers.

Solo roleplaying, on the other hand, is the best thing I've done as a creative project since before I discovered the TS2 community! So I'm taking a step back from simblr, and from discussing my game with the wider simming community, and I'll be playing solely for me for the foreseeable future.