#vott

How strange

I uh. Kinda wanna kill myself more now?

Like I knew I wasn’t special. Fucking duh. But. I guess I’m just another cookie cutter but even worse bc I’m a broke and lame depressed one so I can’t even accomplish what I want to

Gah the more I talk to people the more I hate them.

If I wasn’t so fucking horny things would be fine

I could just avoid all people forever.

But sexual desire is a thing and fuck I’m always craving it. Once a week just isn’t enough.

But I guess my life is always gonna suck unless I start the drugs again (oh hush, pharma drugs. The legal ones)

I hope things work out with some of these poly people. The men are meh but I’ll take it for the attention. And their women are bangin so there’s a little hope. There’s one chick who does shibari ties and I sooo wanna get in on that.

Speaking of Shibari, tried to get vott into it, but apparently he’s a bottom. So there goes that. But meh maybe a new partner.

And in the same conversation said that if I ever got paid for sex he’d feel like he was dating a prostitute

At the sleepover I went to over the weekend,

We discussed how one chick thought we were collectively swingers!

And later Irene admitted that Lindsey has a crush on me

Lindsey confirmed this when he asked vott if he could talk to me /implied flirt with me

He’s hot, but a little rude. But like ehh the sex might be good so here’s to hopin!

Well. All we really have access to is the bedroom and one bathroom. And kiiiiiinda the kitchen. Master bedroom / bathroom / closet is his, office is his, garage is 90% his, living room is ENTIRELY his and his nasty ass dog’s. Kitchen he reigns king over, god forbid someone cook something for only themselves, except him. He can cook whatever he wants for only himself but if I do so much as make brownies ONCE he gets PISSED when he doesn’t get “some” which means like half.

So, this just solidifies vott and I moving out. Shit with what he’s paying now we could have an apartment to ourselves. The only flaw is dad is also how he earns the money. Soooo gotta disconnect the two before I can disconnect the two, yanno?

Really I gotta get a job too. But to do that I gotta get pills. But to do that... ugh. So much work.

Both have to happen. Gotta get some kind of “plan”

My only plan is, I’m gonna fucking kill myself if I stay in this abusive bullshit. Sooooo I gotta get out? I guess.

I had a like 2 hour panic attack today. While vott visibly got upset at me for it, and then ignored me for most, then got upset when it was time for him to go to bed and I was still having the panic attack.

But I may or may not be hunting down specific men?

Aka finding them on accident....