#voidreynoldsfics

you gasped as you were shoved to your knees, fistful of your hair being pulling enough for you to look up. “oh, it’s you, alright…” the man sneered, ugly teeth bared in what he thought was a smile, “what are you doing all the way out here? all by yourself?”

you narrowed your eyes and spat, grinning as the man wiped his face with an even angrier expression. he growled and you merely narrowed your eyes and stared at him, daring— fearless.

he raised his hand to strike you, but someone stepped in front of you. a hand closed around his wrist, pulling it away from you roughly.

“is there a problem?”

his voice was cold. casual, indifferent. as if he had seen this type of thing every day.

“no problem at all— just helping this lady here—“

“let go of her.”

he still hadn’t even looked at you, eyes locked on the man like he was daring him to defy him. he had one hand on his sword— which you quickly realized he had three of— eyes dark and unyielding, as cool and collected as if he wasn’t in a confrontation at all.

“i know you…” the man had reached for his own sword, jerking his wrist out of the other man’s grasp.

“i wouldn’t do that.”

“you’re roronoa zoro…”

“which is why you shouldn’t do that.” he drew one of his swords and eyed the man with a dangerous warning, “let her go.”

you were shoved forward, nearly slamming your face into the sand if a pair of arms hadn’t caught you. the man who had had ahold of you took off running and you held back a snort, “pathetic.”

zoro, apparently, eyed you with a skeptical look, “are you okay?” he addressed you with that same dry disinterest and never fully looked you in the eye.

you nodded once, rising to your feet with a shaky exhale. “thank you…”

zoro looked at you once more, as if deciding something, “don’t mention it.”

he was actually rather rude now— short and indifferent and so nonchalant you could just shake him. zoro looked you over, eyebrow lifted slightly.

“what?”

now it was you who snapped.

“your dress does not seem to be the most effective choice of clothing.”

“thank you very much. i just left with what i had.”

“you’re not going to make it far in that.”

“i’ve done decently, thus far.”

zoro grunted and eyed you, “if you say so.”

he moved to turn away and stopped. he shouldn’t get involved. he shouldn’t even say another word to you… he didn’t care who you were. where you were going. or why you seemed to be completely fearless.

“come with me.”

“what?”

“look, i may be a pirate hunter but i don’t just leave women to fend for themselves…”

“i can take care of myself.”

“yes, you seemed to be doing great without me.”

“excuse me! i have been more than capable so far. one asshole catching me off guard means nothing.”

zoro regarded you again, looking you up and down in a way that was entirely unsuggestive. you glared back and he almost smirked.

“there’s a lot of assholes in the world… can never be too careful…”

“how charming. are you offering to protect me?”

“no. i have no time to be a bodyguard…”

“well then, you shouldn’t care what happens to me. or if i’m tromping around in a dress.”

zoro snorted, “whatever you say, princess. you’re welcome for saving you. try not to get abducted…”

you scoffed, crossing your arms, “what— don’t call me that.”

zoro’s hand flexed around his sword, fighting amusement, “whatever you say, princess.”

he unfolded a stack of papers and unfolded the top one, eyeing you with a knowing glance. you raised an eyebrow, stepping closer curiously. he cleared his throat and held up a wanted poster.

your wanted poster.

“princess v—“

you surged forward and snatched the poster from his hands, shushing him with a hiss. zoro smirked, eyeing you with that same damn expression.

“four hundred million is a lot of berry. what the hell did you do?” his eyes scanned you once more and if he hadn’t been anything but indifferent, you would swear he was checking you out, “princess.”

“nothing. i didn’t do anything. except for run away.”

zoro lifted an eyebrow, apparently urging you to continue.

“if you want the bounty money, i will pay you. but i’m not going back there.”

zoro eyed you again, impressed, testing the waters, trying to get a read on you. “what’s all the way out here for you?”

you shifted on your feet, looking down, “i’m looking for my brother…”

zoro shifted now, seeming more interested, “your brother? there’s a runaway prince now, too? your kingdom must be charming…”

you almost laughed at that but brushed yourself off and shifted instead, “everyone thinks he’s dead. but he’s not… i know he’s not.”

zoro grunted faintly and you took that as pity.

“he isn’t dead.”

“alright…” zoro eyed you once more, seeming to see you more of an equal than as a profit or an inconvenience, “so maybe he isn’t… how are you going to find him? it’s a big world…”

you had considered that but hadn’t actually thought about it again since breaking free of the kingdom’s boarders. your expression must have fallen because zoro cleared his throat, “i’m heading to the grand line. if we find him on the way…..”

what?

he would help you find a long lost sibling?

become an accessory to the run away princess?

“i don’t need protection. i’ve had my fill of guards constantly trailing behind me.”

“maybe you don’t. but i think we both have a better chance with someone watching our backs… can you even fight?”

you turned sharply and glared at zoro in a way that made him smirk instead of look intimidated. “i can fight satisfactory.”

“satisfactory…” zoro crossed his arms with a slight smirk, “i’m not sure there’s a place for proper dialogue in a land of pirates and bounty hunters…”

he wasn’t making fun of you, you realized; despite his smirk and amused tone, he was genuine. you hadn’t actually stopped to consider your manners and etiquette— and how blatantly useless they were out here. the full, frilly dress was enough to make you a target; save the proper talk and eloquent words.

“you’re right….”

you had paused, as if completely struck by the realization.

“i mean feel free— just don’t expect me to start quoting poetry with you or something…”

this made you smile, glancing up at him with a playful expression, “not into poetry, roronoa zoro?”

zoro almost smirked, shifting his hold on his sword, “i find actions speak louder than words…”

you glanced back at him, eyes taking him in in a quick motion, “or perhaps, in your case, swords.”

zoro glanced down at the three swords on his waist with a small smirk, “exactly.”

apparently the two of you would get along just fine.

“that’s fucking outrageous—“ zoro glanced over at you with a tense expression, eyes softening for a moment, “sorry, princess…”

you eyed him sharply, not for the language, but for the fact that he thought he needed to apologize for it. “that’s alright. my brother cursed like a sailor when he thought no one was looking… it’s fine. get the room.”

“i don’t have—“

you dug into the corset on the outside of your dress and zoro looked away, slightly pink. you pulled out a small pouch full of berry and dropped it in zoro’s hand, “get the room. neither one of us should sleep on the street or surrounded by drunks…”

zoro eyed you, bewildered but not arguing. you had had much worse sleeping arrangements since your grand exit of the palace. ships, rooftops– and frequently no sleep at all, to keep away from the hungry, impure gazes of men that would surely provide you with a place to sleep in exchange for parts of your soul.

“after you, my lady.” zoro propped the door open with his arms crossed over his chest. he smirked slightly as you shot him a glare at the reoccurring theme of royal nicknames.

“i’ve seen worse.”

“yeah,” zoro took in the room with a moment of hesitation. there was only one bed but you hadn’t seemed to notice— or perhaps be too concerned, “do um… should i keep watch, or—“

you glanced at him, glanced at the bed, blinked once. zoro expected you to cause a scene— perhaps fan yourself and mumble something about dignity and decorum while pointing to the furthest corner of the room where he could curl up like a dog.

“take the bed,” you had your foot on the small bed side drawer, pulling a knife out of your boot, calf and part of your thigh exposed as your skirts climbed up your leg.

zoro was momentarily stunned— and rather distracted by your sudden show of leg and lack of shame about it. he blinked quickly and realized with a slight fondness that he had you pegged completely wrong.

“i– i’m not going to let you sleep on the floor.”

“i have had worse sleeping arrangements, i assure you.” you shifted the dagger— plural, apparently— into your hand and returned your foot to the floor.

“i can sleep anywhere. you paid for the room, you take the bed.”

“don’t be stupid. you did save my life, after all and you’ve been favoring your left leg. take the bed and get a good night’s rest.”

zoro glanced down at his leg with a startled expression. he had been purposely forcing himself to walk with even pressure on it, not wanting to show a sign of weakness. how you had noticed—

“please. i’m too tired to argue…” you took a pillow from the bed and shifted to the side of the bed, preparing to shift onto the floor.

“i will sleep between you and the door.”

you looked up at him as if you had misheard, “sorry?”

“i don’t want you by the door.”

oh?

your heart had flipped slightly as you pulled an amused smile, “planning to steal my money and run and don’t want to trip on me on the way out?”

zoro didn’t laugh as he settled himself onto the bed, “if someone breaks in, i want them to meet me first.”

oh.

you said nothing for a moment, suddenly thinking of nothing smart or obnoxious to say. you hadn’t even tried to argue that you didn’t need a bodyguard or protection. he had just said it so naturally. like protecting you had become a natural instinct despite knowing you for less than twenty four hours.

“well…”

what did you even say to that?

“thank you.”

the mattress creaked as zoro shifted, “don’t mention it…”

you found yourself smiling, though you weren’t completely sure why, “goodnight, roronoa zoro.”

“goodnight, princess.”

you drifted off to sleep with that same small smile. there were no nightmares that plagued you. there was no abrupt waking, thinking someone was right beside you in the darkness. for the first time in a long time, you felt safe enough to sleep deeply.

“put this on.” zoro tied a black bandana over your head, tucking your hair up securely as he glanced over your shoulder like a paranoid security guard.

“oh, are we matching now? i think i would rather like using a sword.”

zoro almost smiled, eyeing you with a look that wasn’t quite exasperated, “you still stand out too much.” you glanced down at the black pants and white button down you had exchanged for your dress. you clicked your tongue indignantly, frowning slightly, “are you saying i’m too pretty to be here?”

that smirk was back, eyeing you with a more scolding look that did not seem sincere. he said nothing as he nudged an apple and small baked meat pie into your hand, “breakfast. i’m not sure when we’ll have anything fresh again…”

you eyed him softly, still trying to figure him out completely. he was certainly no demon, like the bounty hunter you had heard of. zoro tucked a few apples and a loaf of bread into your satchel and adjusted his swords. “that ship can get us to the next island. just don’t tell them who you are… and definitely don’t say my name.”

you followed behind him with a curious expression, faltering slightly as you took in the jolly roger looming from the mast. “i—“ pirates. zoro had stopped, glancing over his shoulder at you with a cautious expression.

“we need to get going, princess…” his tone was commanding but it wasn’t harsh. he was urging you to follow but he wasn’t being demanding.

“i just…. i don’t—“

zoro sighed and retreated back to your side. his shoulders were tense, breathing steady like he was trying to remain patient, “what is it?” his voice was still soft. his tone was still gentle and even.

“pirates…” you breathed it out in a forced breath, hand coming to your necklace to ground yourself.

“okay,” zoro sighed again as if this was only slightly inconvenient, “look at me.”

you expected him to be irritated and sharp— maybe even leave without you for keeping him— but his eyes were on you like a promise. intense but not angry, patient and almost reassuring, “nothing is going to happen to you on that ship.”

“but i—“

“i hate pirates. more than anyone. but this is our best ticket out of here… i killed some people so it isn’t safe for us to stay here.”

us.

he wasn’t going to leave you…

“you’ll be safe. i promise you.”

and you followed him. you had seen the look in his eyes and decided to trust him again… you had seen what he did to the baroque agent that had you— even still, a ship full of pirates…

“if they—“

“no one’s going to touch you. on my word, it will be the last thing they ever do.”

“but—“

“come on, princess…” zoro held out his arm for you to take to step onto the small plank up the ship. you tentatively took his elbow, holding it delicately but not missing the way his muscles flexed beneath your grasp. he was eyeing you softly and your fear slowly dissipated as he guided you on board.

eyes met you immediately and you shamefully stepped behind zoro, your hold on his arm tightening. zoro kept his eyes sharp, glancing around the ship like he was looking at a meal. he kept himself between you and everyone else in a way that you did not miss. your hand shook slightly as you shuffled along behind him, knuckles practically white against your grip on him.

zoro glanced back at you before shifting further onto the ship. he kept one hand on his sword and one hand on your wrist, walking you steadily to the back of the ship. eyes trailed you everywhere you went and you forced yourself to breath steadily.

“you’re safe.”

the male eyes on you told you differently. the gazes took in zoro, eyeing him, leveling him up as if determining how the fight would go. zoro kept his eyes straight ahead, sharp and unblinking, daring anyone to make a move. you didn’t understand how he was so confident— how he was so collected and calm and sure he could take an entire crew…

“looks like we have a little lamb on board…” boots shuffled on deck and you glanced up to see the small group gathered around you. “are you her shepherd?” one of the men kicked at zoro’s boot and zoro exhaled slowly, eyes flashing up like venom. he stood to his feet, struggling momentarily as you refused to let go of his arm.

“you touch her and you die.”

there was snickers around the ship and your stomach twisted. zoro shifted slightly, turning just slightly so his swords showed. there was sharp inhales and several people stepped backwards. you looked up at zoro, mesmerized, clearly not fully understanding his reputation.

there were several mutters of his name and pale expressions.

“i paid for passage on this ship. clearly you know who i am and lucky for you i’m not here for a bounty…” zoro shifted again so he blocked you from their view entirely, “if anyone touches her, that changes.” he eyed the man that had previously been so bold sharply, until he stumbled backwards and tripped. the crew split up, each returning frantically to their posts with nervous muttering.

zoro sat beside you again, head resting back against the side of the ship, knee bent to his chest as he folded his arms around it. he closed his eyes and said nothing, as if he hadn’t just threatened an entire pirate crew for looking at you.

you just stared at him, blinking once, realizing perhaps it was fate that made you get caught by the baroque works agent… you stayed close to him, fidgeting slightly at every footstep that fell and flinching at every small sound.

the sun was directly overhead, beating down on you like it was a punishment. you squinted over at the glistening water and exhaled, shifting to your feet as zoro continued dozing. he hadn’t moved and for a brief moment of insanity you wondered if he was dead. you nudged him slightly with your knee and he shifted his head against your leg with a small groan. you suppressed a smile and turned you attention back on the water.

“how did you get caught up with the pirate hunter? you seem a bit too prim and proper to be into killing.”

you had flinched at the voice but straightened your shoulders and turned towards the voice, “we just happened to be going the same place…”

the man eyed you, glanced down at zoro and hummed, “fancy that… sounds like right place right time.”

you shifted, breathing in slowly, “i suppose so…”

“seems like you’re well protected, my lady.”

“i’m— there’s no need for that…” you were tired of the titles, “yes… i am. truthfully, he did save my life and i owe him… there’s no reason he need stay with me and look after me. but i do appreciate it…”

zoro, eyes still closed, smirked slightly to himself, always more aware than he let others know.

it was barely after midnight when you woke up screaming. the night terrors were back— dragging you underwater as you swam to save your brother. your brother’s funeral- this time with a blue and sea swallowed corpse beneath the casket.

arms were holding you before you could take your first breath, solid and steady. “what happened? what happened—“ your eyes found zoro, wide eyed, eyes locked on you trying to identify the threat. you sucked in air— shaking as you did. nearly choking on the breath you took.

“i’m sorry…. i’m sorry— i…”

you were pathetic. you had escaped and made it this far to still be taken down by nightmares.

“it was a dream…” zoro said it more to himself, as if reassuring himself that there was no physical threat to you. you covered your face with your hands, rubbing your face until the dream unlatched itself from you.

there were several irritated crew members stomping across the deck, groggy and dazed, not appreciating being awoken by screams.

“i’m sorry…. i’m—“ you fell forward into your knees, closing your eyes tightly and cursing the tears that fell.

“what are you all staring at? you can go back to sleep.” zoro had stood to his feet to block the gaping eyes from you, voice assuring it was not a suggestion.

zoro said nothing as you curled around yourself, forcing yourself to breathe– reminding yourself it wasn’t real.

“do you want to talk about it?” he was stiff and uncomfortable as he settled beside you, clearly not being the one to ever bring comfort.

you shook your head, taking a breath, “it happens all the time… it’s why i prefer not to sleep.”

“i didn’t know… you never—“

“they stopped… for a while.”

with you.

“i knew you were there and…”

“you feel alone.” instinctively, he moved closer.

“no… not…”

zoro shifted as if defusing a bomb, head bent slightly to take you in, “you felt safe… with me.”

you just nodded, not bringing yourself to remove your head from his shoulder.

“but you don’t here.”

zoro was still stuck on the fact that he could make anyone feel safe. that he could protect and not just defend or kill…

you had shifted closer to him and zoro didn’t so much as flinch a muscle, “you can rest. i’m not going anywhere.”

“i’m not—“

“you can rest. i will be here…”

his hand was on his sword, grip relaxed but ready to attack. he hadn’t moved when you instinctively shifted closer to him, head falling heavily against his shoulder. he kept his breathing slow and even, mind whirling at the thought of someone retreating to him instead of away from. safe.

you felt safe with him…

he would keep you safe.

he would make sure you slept…

you wrapped your arms around his elbow, laying heavily against his shoulder as you did eventually drift off to sleep. you didn’t wake again. there were no screams, there were no nightmares. just zoro, sitting like a statue as you used him as a pillow— breathing steadily, dwelling on the fact that he was a protector and not just a killer… zoro glanced down at you with a soft expression, reassuring that you were still sleeping and that he hadn’t woken you.

he stayed like that all night. your head on his shoulder, slowly shifting to his chest as the night continued, arms wrapped around his in a hug. hand hovering on his sword in case he needed it.

“everything alright, princess?”

you cast zoro a scolding glance and let out an indignant snort, “i shall start calling you swordsman, if you don’t start using my name.”

zoro met your gaze with a barely there smirk, “sounded to me like you’re running from your name. i assumed you were tired of hearing it…”

you stopped short and eyed him, caught slightly off guard by his words. you swore he read you like a book— so aware and observant of you it was almost intrusive. he saw you like a person— not a crown or a status or royalty.

“you keep looking at me like that.”

“like what?”

“like you’re so surprised to hear something other than a grunt from me.”

you started laughing— covering your mouth in embarrassment as it came out loud and obnoxious. zoro’s eyes lit up momentarily, the faintest, fond smirk appearing on his face. it was as if he was seeing you for the first time— carefree and smiling, laughing at a joke as if you were more than wandering souls that bumped into each other only a week ago. zoro ignored the way his heart beat steadily increased, putting his hand on his sword to keep it from twitching.

“i know this isn’t exactly what you’re used to…” zoro was shrugging his jacket off and laying it down on the ground. you eyed him, lifting an eyebrow and then gaping once you realized he was making you a bed.

“zoro… this is fine. i always wanted to go camping… i thought sleeping outside would be relaxing… of course i never did. not very fitting for a princess…”

zoro eyed you with a small smirk, “then i hope it lives up to your expectations… and i’m sorry if i don’t tell scary stories around the fire…”

this time you grinned, tilting your head at him with a soft expression, “i think you’re good company, actually… my brother would have liked you— would… he would like you.”

zoro poked at the fire, shifting to a squat, “oh yeah? why’s that?” zoro had never once asked about your past or your brother. he had assumed it was a sore subject and didn’t dare bring it up in case you wanted to forget all about it.

“he’s loyal… he was the kindest person i think ever existed… our father hated him for it. he was good… we couldn’t have a good king… he always defended me and protected me. he was my best friend too… he was never the mean older brother that picked on me… no… that was— the others…”

zoro stopped poking the fire and looked up at you, eyebrows furrowed, “i didn’t realize…you had other siblings…” he toed the line gently, getting a feel of it— “you left them to find him… i…” zoro shook his head, realizing he wasn’t supposed to care. he shouldn’t—

“i’m sorry they were awful to you. i’m sorry your father—“ zoro stood up, so suddenly you thought something was wrong. you moved to follow him and he stiffened, “i… one minute—“

you fought back an amused smile but watched him in confusion.

zoro disappeared into the trees, muttering curses under his breath as he did. he rubbed his face, trying to wipe away the new feeling in his chest. to leave home and find someone who was told to be dead. you were brave. so much braver than anyone gave you credit for… to grow up with—

a scream sounded and zoro was tripping over his own feet to get to you. the panic that had suddenly filled him was so foreign and unfamiliar and he hated it. he had never cared this much— he had never been so scared of someone getting hurt.

“ah, there you are—“

you were struggling on your knees, hair pulled tightly by the man holding you. “i wondered when you would notice me following you… apparently you didn’t.”

zoro had his swords drawn though the calm expression on his face was more terrifying than his blades, “i knew you were following us.”

your eyes widened slightly, looking up at him in disbelief. zoro’s glanced to you briefly, expression sure, “i knew you weren’t a threat.”

“i’ve tracked the two of you for days…”

“and it’s taken you nearly a week to catch her. how impressive.”

you shot zoro a glare, but strangely you couldn’t let yourself feel panicked. zoro had never once let you down. he had never once failed to protect you. he had never once lost a fight…

“you should join us, roronoa zoro. your talent is unmatched.”

“if i join you do i get a cool face tattoo?”

you muffled a snort, tilting your head forward to hide your genuine smile.

“only the elite agents get—“

“do i get to pick the number?”

“n—“

“i’ve always been partial to number one.” zoro lifted a choice finger and this time you did laugh. you glanced up at him with a soft smile, head tilted slightly in playful disbelief. the man gripping you shoved your head forward and your laugh was cut off.

“let her go. i’m only going to tell you once.” zoro glanced down at his swords like he was bored.

“i’m afraid not, roronoa zoro. her bounty will help me out quite a bit…”

zoro blinked slowly, “the bounty i get for you will help me out too, i’m sure…” he stretched his neck slightly, still looking bored.

“you’ll have to kill me if you think i’m going to just let her go.”

zoro moved so quickly you hadn’t even seen exactly what happened. blood splattered on the bottom of your dress and you flinched. the man’s torso was severed from his legs and you looked up at zoro with your mouth hanging open. he wiped the blade of his sword against the dead baroque works agent and exhaled slowly.

“are you okay?”

the body hit the floor and the grip on your hair slackened. you fought back a wave of nausea as you stood to your feet. you pushed the corpse with your foot and reached for his pocket— procuring his wanted poster and a sack of berry. you tossed both to zoro and eyed you with an almost amused, proud smirk.

“thank you.”

zoro eyed you, looking up from the wanted poster with a confused look, “you don’t need to thank me for protecting you.”

“but you don’t have to… you never needed to step in. you never needed to bring me with you and…”

zoro hesitated against your hand, squeezing it once, “but i did. and i will…”

and that was all he said.

no explanation, no reasoning…

zoro was in the bar, while you slept soundly on the floor above him, safe— he had assured it four times— in your rented room in the shady inn. he exhaled slowly as he drained yet another bottle, letting his head rest against his elbow. he breathed deeply, feeling his thoughts drift to you. how he had possibly landed himself in this situation he had no idea… how you had landed with him and trusted him enough to only sleep when he was nearby…

he cursed under his breath, ignoring the realization that his thoughts had always been drifting to you lately. he rolled the bottle top between his fingers absentmindedly, rubbing his face tiredly. zoro half glanced over at the arrival of two larger men, quickly gauging their threat level. moderate to irritating– he watched them cross the room, hand tightening around his drink, heart rate rising slowly. they walked straight past the bar, past the receptionist- and towards the stairs.

zoro was standing before he set his drink down. hand on his sword, eyes sharp as alarm bells began going off in his head. their posture was too rigid, they walked too heavy, with too much purpose— they hadn’t even stopped to ask for a room or get a key. they hadn’t been in here earlier. which meant only one thing—

they were looking for someone.

zoro knew the exact number of steps from your room to where he was sitting. the idiots had thankfully gone the wrong way at first and he was waiting to greet them outside your door.

“lost, are we?”

his eyes were on his sword, raised and braced for a strike.

“it’s you.”

zoro sighed, dull expression meeting the men, “it’s always me.”

“we’ll split the reward money with you—“

zoro split them before they could make a single move towards your door.

you jumped awake, startled by the sounds of screams. there was a curse and heavy thud outside your door and you stumbled to your feet, reaching out for zoro, who was not beside you. panic began to take hold and you fought to calm your breathing.

you gripped the lamp beside you, teeth gritted in determination. you lifted it, hands shaking, just as the door opened. you shrieked and rushed forward, bringing the lamp down swinging. a hand caught it, sighing slightly. “don’t scream when you attack… it uses too much energy.” the hand released you and gently eased you backwards as he entered the room and closed the door behind him.

you relaxed instantly, letting your arms fall to your side.

zoro.

“zoro,” you breathed out in too much relief, “what happened?”

“nothing. are you okay?”

“i’m— yes?“ he had turned the light on and was now looking you over sternly, assuring himself you were unhurt, “i heard screaming…” zoro eyed you sharply, “don’t worry about it. everything is fine. you’re safe…”

you opened your mouth to respond, but zoro stepped closer, “don’t worry, princess. you’re safe.”

you let yourself relax slightly, moving to open the door. zoro stepped between you and the door, hand gentle on your elbow. clearly he was hiding something but you had learned to trust him…

“i’m staying in here for the rest of the night.”

oh.

“earlier you said—“

“do you not want me to? i can go…”

you didn’t want zoro to go. in fact you had only fallen asleep because he stayed in the room before disappearing downstairs only once he knew you were sleeping.

“stay.”

it came out rushed and unceremonious and almost desperate. you knew men had come for you. you knew they were bounty hunters and zoro had taken care of them before they even reached the door. even still… the look in zoro’s eyes. the intensity and way he was almost desperate to reach you…

“if that’s what you want, princess.”

he still stood so close. still poised and tensed for a strike. braced for an attack…

“please stay.”

“okay…”

you stepped closer— you weren’t sure why. he was already just a finger’s length away. zoro’s breath caught, his chest puffing out slightly like he was thinking about backing up. his hand relaxed on his sword, shoulders tight, hand flexing around nothing, straining to close around your waist.

no.

he couldn’t—

you closed the distance and zoro didn’t stop you. your lips met his like you were scared to— soft, tentative, cautious. zoro’s body tensed, feeling the crash of emotions wash over him like a wave. more emotions than he could recall ever feeling all at once crashing into him like they were at war. his hands moved before his mind caught up— grabbing your waist roughly before he could think better. suddenly the thought of you pulling away even an inch was unbearable. you let out a surprised, breathy laugh and pulled him closer by the edges of his shirt. any restraint or reservations he had snapped. the feelings he hadn’t even come to terms with or realized bubbled to the surface and boiled over when your hands found his hair.

your rushed breathing and messy hands hesitated when your calves brushed against the edge of the bed. your fingers tightened on zoro’s shoulders and he stopped immediately. his hands left your waist and lower back, eyes snapping up to yours. they were wide and hesitant. you had tensed. you already missed his hands on you— you longed for his mouth against you again—

“i’m sorry.”

no.

zoro stepped back, ducking his head.

“i’m sorry… i shouldn’t have—“

“zoro.”

you had kissed him. you knew if you hadn’t moved, it never would have happened—

“i’m sorry. i apologize—“

you pulled him in again, slower this time. more deliberate.

“i’m sorry—“

“no, princess.”

zoro’s breath was heavy against your shoulder, hand gently tucked under the edge of your shirt. you hadn’t gone any further…

“i’ve never— i mean..”

“it’s okay. i haven’t either.”

“it’s— you haven’t?”

“you seem surprised, princess… believe it or not i’ve never had time for it. and i don’t exactly see satisfaction in falling into bed with just anyone…”

you woke up to zoro already up. you had fallen asleep draped in his arms; his usual tension and refusal to move an inch towards you had vanished for the night while he allowed himself to properly hold you.

“zoro?”

“good morning,” zoro stood to his feet, adjusting his swords and eying the door. his shoes were already back on and it looked like he had been up and ready for at least an hour, “we can get going… i expect shellstown is about a day from here.”

oh.

almost as if last night hadn’t happened…

was that all it was?

one night?

you gritted your jaw and stood, ignoring the way your hands suddenly shook.

“everything okay?”

“fine. yes…”

you shouldn’t have expected anything. it never should have happened. you had spent so much time together. so much time close together— it’s inevitable to feel something. even if it’s just a weak moment…

you stood beside zoro at the rail of the ship. zoro had barely spoken all day. he was tense and stiff and even less talkative than usual.

“zoro…”

“don’t.”

you flinched slightly before turning towards you and raising your eyebrows.

“we aren’t talking about it.”

oh.

“and why not?”

“it shouldn’t have happened.”

oh.

“nothing did happen.”

“something happened. it’s good it didn’t go further…”

anger coursed through you before hurt. you crossed your arms and zoro raised his eyebrows at your expression.

“you realize i kissed you?”

“yes.”

“and you didn’t stop me.”

“i know.”

“but it was a mistake? right. are you sure it’s not just that you’re scared?”

zoro spun around so fast you stepped back, “what? scared? of what?”

he wasn’t angry. there was a flicker of hesitation and maybe even something more—

“because you feel it too.”

his eyes snapped to yours and there was panic behind them.

“you know it’s something real and that scares you. i know… i was never meant to even find you. i was supposed to find my brother and then be on my way but—“

“i didn’t plan for you. i plan for everything and… you— i don’t know what to do with it.”

“you don’t have to do anything, zoro.”

“but there’s something… i don’t think i can just ignore it. i didn’t…”

“i know.” you stepped closer to him, exhaling, “it’s not… convenient.” zoro almost laughed, shaking his head as he ran his hand through his hair, “no, it isn’t…”

he turned his attention back to the water and shifted, “i don’t want you to think it was a mistake… that i just wanted to kiss you once and—“

“i know. i don’t think you’ve ever been casual about anything…”

zoro’s mouth twitched into a smile, “i don’t think it can be casual… i would need to love you the way i do everything else… with all of me. fiercely. with everything i have…”

you stepped back, voice catching. zoro had his hand on his sword. he bowed his head, withdrew his sword a few inches and then replaced it in the hilt. you knew the gesture. you knew the meaning… the promise.

the vow—

“zoro—“

“i swore to protect you. now i swear to you… i will protect you. with everything in me… if you’ll have me— if… if you–“

“oh, sanji!”

sanji stopped short as he entered the gulley. his blood heated slightly, stopping shortly to compose himself. you were always ransacking his kitchen. using ingredients— too many or too little— mixing spices that should never touch, overcooking oil, undercooking rice.

“good morning, love,” sanji exhaled slowly, adjusting his apron as he eyed you suspiciously.

“how do i know when this is done?”

you pointed sheepishly at the pan in front of you. sanji blinked once, fighting over the wave of hysterics washing through him. you were cooking fish. for breakfast… a specific fish that paired best with white wine and something sweet—

“i think it’s almost too done, love…” sanji kept his expression soft, ignoring the twitch in his eye.

“shit.” you frowned, turning back to look down at your culinary creation.

“that’s alright! don’t worry about it—“

even with the horrors you created in his kitchen, sanji could never be upset with you. you would frown and bite your lip and start overthinking your abilities and sanji folded instantly. he held your elbow and sighed softly, “it’s not beyond saving…” sanji lifted the pan and turned off the stove, “no, this is still edible…” he inhaled slowly, fighting away a gag at the smell of the mixed spices combining in ways that should never exist.

“you think it’s still okay?”

oh, godsdamn him… he could never ever hurt your feelings or disappoint you.

“i…”

white fish for breakfast.

“can you pass me the eggs?”

“the— eggs?” sanji nearly tumbled over at this, feeling his fingers twitch at his sides, “eggs? you’re making eggs? with—“ ah.

“yeah, i was thinking over easy!”

runny eggs with white fish. for breakfast…

no, it was fine–

it was alright—

of course someone who cooked for fun couldn’t know basic rules and flavor pallets—

“my muffins!”

sanji jumped as if he saw a spider, “you made muffins? you—“

sanji looked around quickly, noting the four all over the floor that he had missed earlier. flour on your shirt and pants where you had inevitably wiped your hands—

his eye twitched, jaw ticking—

“yes, chocolate and orange!”

that actually sounded good. however, with your culinary skills—

“oh, they smell divine, mon cherie—“

you opened the oven and smoke curled up like one of sanji’s cigarettes. he blinked once, fighting the urge to light one right then and there. you pulled them out, beaming proudly. they were lumpy and mushy in some spots, crispy in others— definitely not muffin shaped and most definitely missing baking powder and enough butter.

“oh—“ sanji breathed out, looking at them over your shoulder. now that you couldn’t see his face, sanji didn’t bother to hide his horrified expression.

“something smells good!” luffy had stormed through the door, bright eyed and nearly drooling. he looked to sanji expectantly before his eyes locked onto you. there was a slight blush and a moment of hesitation before he straightened again, returning to his grin.

“good morning!” luffy crossed the gulley to you, pulling you in for a suffocating hug before you could prepare for him.

“i made breakfast!”

luffy’s wide eyes flashed to sanji, chin resting on the top of your head where you couldn’t see his momentary panic. sanji swallowed slowly, keeping his jaw tight as he lit a cigarette. he shook his head very subtly and luffy breathed slowly.

“it smells very good… i can’t wait to try it.” he rubbed your back, keeping you tight against him, glancing over at the stove with a timid expression.

sanji had stomped on zoro’s foot and luffy had punched usopp beneath the table when their facial expressions gave away their reactions to you having made breakfast. they looked at sanji helplessly, while sanji just smiled proudly and helped you set the table. his jaw was entirely too clenched for his smile to be convincing, though luffy still just stared at you like you hung the stars.

“i hope it’s good! i tried something new…”

at this, nami lowered her fork immediately and gasped, “i forgot to check something!” she went running out as chopper and usopp watched her go longingly. sanji sat across from zoro and kicked him once again, not about to be part of you being offended or having hurt feelings.

luffy had already cleared his plate, hand on his stomach with a wide smile. he was looking at you, as if he couldn’t possibly be prouder. you blinked once, looking to him expectantly. you tilted your head, hopeful.

“amazing. you’re good at everything you do…”

sanji and zoro gagged down the first bite of muffins, washing it down with water and whatever juice they could find with enough flavor to cover your cooking. the fish was burnt and dry, the eggs were rubbery yet somehow undercooked and the muffins had three different textures in one bite.

you had just opened your mouth to try your own when luffy cleared his throat. he was looking at you softly, eyebrows raised in that way that made him look like a begging puppy. “could i have some more?” you blinked slowly, sanji and zoro’s mouths hanging open. luffy had cleared his plate and everyone else’s, still smiling widely. he was still watching you with that adoring expression and soft smile.

“sanji, i think you’ll need to make more breakfast… i accidentally ate it all.”

sanji, relieved and almost too eager, stood up and adjusted his apron. zoro and robin looked so relieved it was almost comical and you just smiled to yourself, sliding your plate towards luffy, “are you sure? you liked it?”

luffy stood and kissed your head, thumb brushing over your forehead as he did. he smiled against your hair, “i liked it…” because he wouldn’t hurt your feelings. he would eat everything you ever made him just to see that smile. that proud, loving smile like you truly loved making food for him— “i love you.”

you glanced up at him with a soft smile, hand squeezing the hand that wasn’t on your head, “i love you too…” you closed your eyes as he stayed close, picking your plate clean as sanji started the real breakfast. “are you sure you don’t need help?”

“no—“

everyone answered too quickly. sanji glanced up with a soft smile, eyeing you like he was in disbelief, “quite alright, love. i’ve got it this time… it takes both of us to feed our captain, after all. it’s my turn, you just stay put…”

you missed the relief in everyone else and the way sanji was extremely good at turning you down politely without letting you feel the slightest bit of hurt. luffy kissed your head again as he finished the last of the muffins, licking his fingers clean as if he hadn’t just finished the entirety of the worst meal he had ever tasted.

because it had made you smile.

eren was half asleep when he came to the door. he looked you up at down, eyes heavy lidded, almost looking irritated if you didn’t know his usual expression. he smirked faintly when his eyes landed on your face again, “miss me already?”

“eren. just let me in…”

eren stepped to the side, pushing the door open further so you could duck under his arm. he was still smirking as he closed the door and turned to follow you.

“rough day?”

eren glanced down at you pulling at his belt loops. you scoffed and eyed him with a cool stare, “the people we fight to protect are now our biggest threat... they think we’re demons. there’s conversations of wiping us off the map…”

eren stiffened slightly, letting his arms wrap over your shoulders, “if you dwell on it, you know you’ll worry yourself sick.”

“well, eren—“

“we’re doing what we can. there’s plans in place, there’s talks in the works…”

“we wipe out titans here and all we get is threats as thanks… the entire meeting…armin was trying to play the moderator but levi and jean just kept arguing… if we can’t even agree, how are we supposed to get the rest of the world to trust us?”

“jean is an idiot. the captain couldn’t care less if he’s liked or not. believe it or not, you don’t need to carry the weight of the entire world on your shoulders.”

you glanced up at eren and huffed, “you always say that.”

“because i’m the one that carries the weight of the entire world on my shoulders…”

you sighed and let your head fall forward against his chest. eren draped an arm around your waist, tipping his own head forward so his chin was on your head. “did you come in here to rant?”

you glanced up at him, eyebrows raised— as if you hadn’t just been pulling him towards the bed by the beltloops of his pants. eren smirked to himself, taking your glare as answer, “how shall i have you tonight?”

you clicked your tongue and tilted your head again until your nose almost brushed against his. eren’s eyes softened, then darkened slightly before tucking his hand in your back pocket and yanking you closer. your mouth crashed against his, as if his touch was all the greenlight you needed. his hands shifted down slightly, open palmed against the curve of your thigh. your hands squeezed around his biceps, sliding up, fingers digging into his shoulder. eren breathed out slowly, breath turning ragged as your fingers slid up into his hair. he let out a breath that sounded more like a groan as he pulled you roughly against him once again.

you hummed against his mouth, nearly melting at the way a single finger traced the back of your thigh. he pinched gently and you shifted against him, leg hooking around his waist as you dragged yourself closer. eren smirked against your mouth, lifting you as if you weighed nothing and turned for the bed.

“you know you’ve left an imprint in my mattress…” he dropped you ungracefully on the bed as if dropping a sack of potatoes. you hummed in response, only half listening as your mouth chased him again. you found his lips, tongue brushing against his bottom lip, biting down gently.

“desperate, are we?”

you groaned as eren grabbed your jaw and angled your head so you looked at him, “i believe i said something to you…” he lifted his eyebrows in a scold and you felt your stomach flip as he straddled you.

“are you aware there’s an indent in my mattress now? it’s shaped suspiciously like you- especially in that one position that—“

you scoffed and smacked his hand away, shifting up to crash your mouth against him again. eren hummed in response, wrapping his arms around your lower back and lifting you to meet him. eren let out a breathy laugh, huffing slightly, “not up for talking tonight? fine. you’re always so damn loud anyway…”

your hands tightened on his bicep in a silent resentment to that statement. though when his mouth found your throat you found it impossible to argue with anything he said— the satisfied, smug snort almost had you shoving him back just to eye him incredulously and think of something to say back. but his teeth grazed your collarbone and his hands slid up your sides under your shirt and all the fight and resignation evaporated in a shuddering breath.

eren’s hands were soft. where yours were rough and calloused from holding reins, operating odm equipment and swinging swords, his were smooth. you wondered if he took the time to heal them, too. if he chose to do it— stupidly, if maybe he did it for you— so when his grip on you was rough and possessive, his fingers were soft and sensitive enough to feel all of it. every twitch, every goosebump, every shaky inhale in reaction to him. you bit your lip as his face buried against your stomach, teeth and mouth agonizingly precise against the beginning of the v just below your waistband.

your hands flew up instinctively, fingers tangling in his hair, gripping it like it was the only thing keeping you grounded to earth. eren breathed out again— a deep laugh that could have been a groan, “always so impatient… and so desperate for me.”

you huffed again, too overly sensitive and hyper aware of everywhere he was touching you to form a coherent argument. “this was supposed to be a one time thing, you know. what’s it been, six months now?”

you pulled eren’s hair roughy this time, yanking his head up so his eyes were on you. he was smirking slightly, lips leaning their spot along your stomach. he lifted his eyebrows, “yes?” he was always so damn smug. always so infuriatingly taunting and cocky.

“shut up.”

he lifted his head completely, open mouthed kisses along your stomach coming to a screeching halt. “ask nicely…”

you fought the urge to whimper in frustration or to smack him again, “please, mighty and powerful eren jeager… use your mouth for something else.”

this only made his smirk grow, clearly inflating his ego further. his eyes flicked down your body before meeting your eyes again and leaning in. he shifted once again so he was straddling you, rolling his hips slightly to nudge your legs open. he settled between them, chest inches from your own. eren held himself up with one hand and pulled your shirt up with the other, so swiftly you had almost missed it. your shirt was discarded over eren’s headboard and he was leaning down to kiss you before you could catch your breath.

your hands found his hair once again, burying your fingers in it, massaging his head, twisting strands of hair around your fingers. eren tensed slightly, eyes nearly rolling to the back of his head as he pushed up against you further in response.

you hated how messy you were for him. one look had you buckling and he knew it. even if you hadn’t come to him, he would have showed up at your door inevitably, arms crossed, eyebrow raised in a scold. just friends, but he sure knows every inch of you… just friends, but surely this is not nothing… you couldn’t possibly react this way to a meaningless hookup. your body wouldn’t anticipate just anyone— you wouldn’t taste him even in your dreams, waking up sore and craving eren more than breakfast…

just friends but—

but–

eren shifted once more and your wandering thoughts died in a whimper of his name. his forehead rested against your neck, placing kisses along your collarbone while he pushed himself closer. you moved with him, eyes closed, fingers fisted in his hair and on his shirt, clinging to him like he was the only thing you knew. it was the same song and dance. he always let you in. he always knew exactly what would get to you… he never just left it feeling casual. he was meticulous and agonizing and deliberate—

eren would kiss you on the forehead, rest his head against yours while you caught your breath, thumb shifting from your temple to your forehead to wipe your sticky hair from your skin. then he would tell help you find your clothes, walk you to the door, wish you goodnight and give you one last friendly, platonic, kiss on the cheek.

you never stayed the night.

you never fell asleep in his arms.

it could never get too real.

it could never feel like anything more than it was.

you shrugged your shirt back on slowly, eren not showing any shame at watching every second of you. he shifted behind you on his knees, pulling your shirt back slightly to place a open mouthed kiss on your shoulder. you tensed, hands freezing at the hem of your shirt.

oh.

that was new…

“sounds like someone’s in the hall…”

you hummed in acknowledgment, standing to your feet to pull your pants back on all the way. you glanced around for your shoes, feeling your chest tighten a little at the thought of making the long walk back to your room. once again.

you knew things could never be different. because of the world. because of the curse… because in less than two years, eren yeager would die. you had known. going into this. becoming friends with him, staying by his side even after everything— so you pushed it down. gritting your teeth and taking every night with him you could get before one of you came to your senses and ended it. before you let yourself think about how it had never been casual. how it had never been just a distraction. how a one night stand could have been with anyone. how you could have showed up at connie’s door instead. or jean’s. or even armin, though you knew he would be terrified of the mere thought of using you like a distraction.

it was eren. it would only ever be eren. because even before… you had never once imagined a life with someone. you had made plans. talked about the future. and then he transformed and the future you suddenly envision shattered.

“do you want to stay?”

you flinched, pulled from your thoughts so suddenly you felt like you were falling. “sorry?”

“when we ride out tomorrow… were you part of the squad or were you staying behind?”

oh.

right…

“i’m… i’m going. i think jean, sasha and i were assigned a separate task.”

eren just nodded, glancing between you and the door awkwardly.

right.

“goodnight, eren.”

you stiffly walked to the door, feeling your stomach twist like it did every time. you felt guilty, you felt giddy— your head spun with the aftermath of your visit, your stomach knotted with anxiety and longing.

things could never be different…

you knew that.

“hey?”

you flinched so hard you nearly tumbled over as connie met you in the hallway. he was eyeing you with raised eyebrows, almost like he was deciding if he was dreaming.

“are you…sleep walking?”

“no, connie.”

“oh,” he nodded slowly, deciding if that was enough of an answer. for connie, it wasn’t. “can i ask you something?”

great.

“what is it?” you tried not to sound irritated but your head throbbed, your legs were still shaking and your stomach was greatly debating on emptying all its contents onto the floor.

“what are you doing over here?”

you blinked once.

shit.

“did you get lost? were you looking for someone? jean’s already asleep, if you were wanting to talk about tomorrows excursion…”

it had been jean’s idea to split the usual team up. that could be a valid excuse to be here…

“i wasn’t looking for jean…”

you were too tired and spread too thin to lie tonight— even if a perfect story was handed to you on a plate.

“oh… okay.” connie eyed you like he had more questions now than he did before. you eyed him tiredly and he decided to drop it.

“i can walk you back to your room if you want?”

he was always remarkably good at reading you...

“sure, connie… thanks.”

by the time you were halfway to your room you had half a mind to tell connie everything. it would be nice to vent. to release your frustration and confusion in some other way besides sleeping with the source of your frustration and confusion… in a way you thought maybe some of them knew. that they didn’t miss the glances between you. the way things used to be between you… the silent longing and desperation for things to be different—

you were at your door before you had uttered a word. probably for the best…

“thanks, connie.”

“hey, don’t mention it. you looked lonely.”

you almost laughed.

how could someone be so lonely even while wrapped around someone and tangled in their sheets every night…

“maybe i am… sorry i wasn’t very talkative company.”

“that’s okay… i’m too tired for good conversation. i would likely just end up saying something stupid anyway…”

your mouth twitched up slightly, realizing you had almost told him about your not-at-all-sleeping arrangement with eren.

“yeah,” you laughed pathetically at yourself, “me too.”

it was the same dream again. it was always some form of the same thing… you were at the ocean. armin and mikasa were laughing, jean, sasha and connie were splashing each other and tackling one another into the water. captain levi had smiled. and eren stood beside you, gripping your hand as he convinced himself it was real. you would kiss him. sometimes you would wrap your arms around him and really mean it. other times he would push you in the water with a guilty smile. it was always good… it was always happy.

you always woke up in a cold sweat, laying alone, stomach sinking, feeling more lonely than you had before.

breakfast did nothing to improve your mood. connie and jean were arguing and sasha and mikasa had tried getting them to drop it, while only making it worse and louder—

“what the hell were you doing last night?”

you stopped suddenly, eyebrows lifted. jean was eyeing you accusingly and you made sure to note that he looked more exhausted and stressed than usual before lashing out completely.

“i’m sorry?”

“connie says he ran into you in the hallway.”

you exhaled slowly, turning to look at connie with a look that made him pale. “am i not allowed to go on walks at night?”

“the night before such an important surveillance operation?”

“what’s the problem here, kirstein?”

eren.

shit.

historically, eren had never had an issue confronting jean. historically, when you were involved, things got escalated…

“i was just asking her a question… this doesn’t concern you, eren.”

“it looks like you’re interrogating her instead of letting her eat her breakfast, jean.”

“oh, am i not allowed to talk to her now?”

you stiffened, fighting the urge to shift between them before punches could be thrown. eren’s jaw ticked and something flashed in his eyes.

“i don’t know. maybe not.“

you put a hand on eren’s wrist, tight enough to force him to acknowledge it. you breathed out slowly, eyeing him pleadingly. let it go. please…

“alright, then maybe i can ask you what she was doing in our hallway after midnight?”

fuck.

eren, instead of his usual snide, teasing remark about being your babysitter, smirked. something about his expression was off. something about the look in his eye sent alarm bells ringing…

“she was with me.”

your knees nearly gave out at this. your hand found the table before you could stumble forward and collapse onto the floor completely. eren stared at jean like a dare— his mouth twitched in a smirk and he didn’t even look at you.

“she was with you?”

now armin, mikasa, sasha and connie were staring at you with expressions somewhere between horrified and confused.

“yes, jean. she was with me.”

jean blinked once, glancing to you— you hoped your cheeks weren’t flushed too badly— and looked back at eren, as if putting the pieces together.

“and what was so important that you had to meet so late at night?”

connie coughed, mikasa had suddenly grown mjch smaller, and you turned to eren with a furious glare. warning. almost pleading…

“well, jean, you’re a smart guy, aren’t you? i’m sure you can figure it out.”

there was a small gasp from armin. sasha had stopped eating and now looked between the two of you with something of a smug, open mouthed smile. mikasa stared at you with an expression you couldn’t read and jean had gone several shades of scarlet.

“you’re hooking up!?”

connie turned to you, wide eyed and startled.

“connie.” you hissed through gritted teeth, wishing you could vanish right then and there.

someone behind you snickered and you tensed, “that desperate, hm? you could have come to find me instead of fucking a titan…”

your jaw tightened just as eren turned slowly. his demeanor was just as calm as it had been, though there was a deadly storm crashing behind his eyes. the calmness with which he could kill someone is what scared you the most. his breathing never changed, his expression never changed, he just seemed to get taller-

“she doesn’t want you, recruit. and if you enjoy breathing, i suggest you never bring that up that again.”

you flinched slightly, thrown by his mood today. he wasn’t reserved. he wasn’t subtle… he was radiating with an intensity you had always found intoxicating. he was…. jealous? no.

possessive.

the word reverberated through your skull as you watched him stare down an entire room. he may as well have just publicly claimed you. the way he stood slightly between you and everyone else like he didn’t even realize what he was doing,

“eren.”

he was so tense you worried muscles would snap. he turned his head to you slowly, eyes remaining just as intense and fiery.

he could cause an even bigger scene. someone could say something to make it worse—

“you forgot your cloak.”

that seemed to pull him out of it. he blinked once, shoulders relaxing just slightly as he looked you over, “right… of course…”

and he turned without another word and walked out. just as suddenly and silently as he had come in.

the others blinked slowly, looked to you for an explanation. your stomach was twisting again and you fought away the tears stinging in your eyes.

there it was.

a six month secret…

something that was never supposed to happen in the first place now saw the light of day.

you should have laughed it off. shook your head with an exasperated smile and say eren was joking. you had been in his room though it was for something much more innocent.

you followed him instead.

eren was at the stables already. he was leaning against the side of the stalls, arms crossed, brooding like a royal pain in your ass. he grunted when you approached, eyes shifting to you coolly.

“what the fuck was that?”

his lip twitched, eyes trailing from you to the ground, “nothing.”

“bullshit.”

eren grunted again, turning to his horse. your hand moved to close around his wrist and he countered it by grabbing both of yours. he lifted your arms above your head and pinned you between him and the wall, “what was that?” his tone had dropped and your pulse raised.

“eren.”

“so what if people know? you think we’re the only two people here fucking?”

“eren…”

he lowered his head slightly, hands on your wrists as he leaned in closer, “if you keep saying my name like you’re going to scold me or beg me for something, i’m going to lose it.”

you didnt fight him. you didn’t even bother pushing him off you, despite knowing he was barely holding you. your breath caught, pulse racing as he looked you over like a meal.

“it was your idea,” you forced yourself to breath steadily, shaking slightly, “to keep it a secret.”

“it was your idea to do it in the first place.”

“and you never stopped me! not once… not once did you send me away and tell me to find someone else to—“

his eyes were on you in a flash, nearly making you flinch. “someone else to what? what did you just say?”

something about his tone made your body ignite. chills broke out along your arms as he took you in with a furious expression. you had seen him like this… intense. brooding. full of rage he didn’t know what to do with… nights he took you like he hated you. where you just let him use up every ounce of pent up rage and anger and frustration. over and over and over… neither one of you having enough sense to stop. neither one of you thinking of the repercussions when it stopped feeling casual and meaningless. when it shifted to something primal— feral… a need that suddenly was no longer about needing an outlet, but needing each other.

it had never been about just anyone…

you had known that for years.

you had known you would never feel the same way about anyone else that you felt about eren. distance hadn’t worked. the cover of friendship, the way you always ran to him first when he returned from a scouting…

“say that again.”

it wasn’t a question. he wasn’t being playful or making fun of the way you had come to him first.

“i said find someone else… i could have—“

he was kissing you then. so suddenly and so full of desperation that it made your head spin.

“no.” it was more growl than words.

fuck.

he had never once kissed you like that. even in the messiest of nights when you feared for the structure of you bed frame— it had never been like that. and in the open— not behind closed doors. not while the other half of his body was busy elsewhere—

you pulled away first, only because you couldn’t breathe. you sucked in air like you had been drowning— and eren just chased you again. his hands found the back of your neck, your jaw, yanking you back against him, pushing until you were flush against the wall.

“don’t you ever,” his mouth trailed down your throat and your fingers gripped his hair and the back of his shirt just to stay standing, “fucking say that again.”

oh.

he was…

jealous?

no.

eren pulled away, eyes dark and heavy with desire. he eyed you like a man who was starved— as if in his mind he already had you bent over some surface—

possessive.

your fingers slid through his hair as he tilted against you slightly, knee gently pushing between your legs to get closer. you let out a shaky breath that only encouraged him further.

at any moment and entire squadron would come out—

captain levi would—

“you’re mine.”

eren’s words nearly dropped you.

your breath stuttered, letting out a small gasp as he bit down on your throat.

“what?”

your voice was broken— shattered along with that small bit of restraint in your chest. that part you had buried— those feelings, that all consuming flame that had always burned deep down—

“you heard me.”

eren was so close. pressed up against you as if there wasn’t the chance of someone walking by at any moment. he lowered his head slightly, mouth closing around your throat, just below your jaw. you sucked in shaky breath, hands gripping his arms to keep yourself standing.

“eren—“

“what?” his voice was thick, heavy with something that made your head spin. he closed the gap between you again, suddenly kissing you like he had been holding himself back this entire time–

your words died in a hum, grabbing onto him with a new desperation, just to keep yourself standing. you had fought this for so long— buried it down deep, letting yourself accept that you would never have more of him than just-

“i’m in love with you.” it came out with another moan as his hands tightened on your hips and his open mouthed kisses turned to tongue. before you could stop it, as you cursed yourself for arching into him and dragging him closer like it was instinct.

eren pulled back slowly, eyes dark and wild, “i told you not to say that…” he eyed you like he was disappointed, “i told you not to love me. i told you—“

this time it was you who wrapped your arms around his neck, looking up at him like you were finally allowed to finally see him. “i know. i know…”

his chest rose and fell like he was holding himself back. “you can’t just say shit like that. you can’t just—“

“you can’t just say i’m yours and act jealous and possessive and convince me that it’s still casual.”

eren stepped back, hands still on your hips, eyeing you like he was solving a puzzle. he opened his mouth, closed it. blinked once, ran a hand through his hair.

“it’s not-“

“jeager.”

you moved to step back— for nothing, since you were pinned against a wall– eren lifted his head with a sigh. levi was eying the pair of you with an irritated expression— though it wasn’t much different than his usual expression so you couldn’t gauge how much trouble you were actually in.

“untangle yourselves please and let’s go.” his tone was evident that he wasn’t actually asking.

you put your hand on eren’s chest, moving to push him away. his eyes were back on you, freezing you in place, “we aren’t finished with this…”

“eren—“

“i know, i know. just… ride close to me, okay?”

your heart fluttered slightly, feeling heat in your cheeks. you smiled to yourself, despite knowing that everything fought against the two of you.

“okay…”

you edged your horse forward, closing the gap between you and jean. “connie! get back in line you dumbass—“ armin’s protest was ignored as connie squished himself between you and jean, to which eren nudged closer, eyes sharp.

“i’m sensing some tension, gang.”

you rolled your eyes and clicked your tongue, urging your horse forward further. “mainly in the sexual sense—“ you muttered a curse, refusing to turn and acknowledge connie’s smug smile or eren’s murderous expression.

“connie,” jean breathed out slowly, clearly spiraling at the thought of dealing with this, “get back in line. we’re not meant to break formation for anything. captain levi will have your head if you aren’t—“

“abnormal!”

you shifted hard in your saddle, turning sharply and nearly crashing into eren’s horse as you reversed. you were one of the strongest rider with the fastest horse so your job was always spreading the word down the line.

eren watched you anxiously, eyes momentarily faltering away from the enemy. you cursed as his horse ran him directly into a tree branch and he nearly tumbled off the back. you grabbed the hood of his cloak and cursed, “eren—“ his horse scooted out from underneath him, tucked his tail and galloped for home.

“what the hell is with you today?”

you shifted awkwardly as he scrambled on behind you the rest of the way, arms around your stomach. you would have sworn he did it on purpose—

“i’m sorry.”

not good enough.

“eren!”

“i’m sorry! i don’t know…”

you groaned in frustration and spun your horse back around, pushing it forward back to levi’s line.

“there’s three!”

you barely heard connie over the wind against your ears and your horse’s heavy breathing and pounding footsteps. you cursed, digging your heels further into your mare’s sides.

“why is jeager with you—“

levi’s eyes were sharp, already noting something was wrong before you had even approached.

“abnormals…”

levi narrowed his eyes and leaned forward, pushing his horse faster, “wonderful.”

you cursed as you shifted your weight from jean to connie, nearly crying out as you tried to take a step.

“easy! hey—“

“where’s eren?”

“i think you should be more worried about you—“

“armin!”

armin’s eyes widened on you, quickly throwing the reins over his horse’s neck and rushing towards you.

“what—“

“where’s eren?”

“he— mikasa– he’s with mikasa and the captain— what happened?”

“i almost got eaten. eren, he—“

“that’s why he turned… i heard the scream and— mikasa vanished… i saw jean carrying you and—“

“i should have stayed—“

“eren is fine. you would have been trampled in that outbreak…”

“he—“

“get her to the medics! let’s go!”

“armin, i’m fine! i want to—“

you sat on your bed, glaring at jean and connie who had taken it upon themselves to guard you and forbid you from leaving.

“sorry, armin’s orders. you aren’t to leave.”

“jean,” you huffed, “i’m—“

“don’t say you’re fine. you sprained your ankle and you’re damn lucky your foot didn’t get ripped off.”

you huffed, crossing your arms and pouting pathetically. connie opened his mouth with a smug, smartass smirk but whatever he was going to say died as a door slammed into him. your door flew open, eren, wide eyed and disheveled, looked around with a wild expression.

you breathed in slowly, “i’m fine, eren.”

“where did you go?” his tone made connie and jean flinch. “i had you on my shoulder and— i didn’t know what— did you– did i drop you? are you— are—“

“she’s fine… connie caught her and we carried her back—“

“you—“ eren’s hands shook and you shifted to stand.

“no.” three voices snapped at you at once and you glared, “stay there.” you leaned back with a sigh, letting your head fall back against the pillow.

“i was more worried about you—“

“she’s fine. if anything, you saved her.”

“i’m— i just… i saw my mom and—“

“jean, connie, you can go.”

“are you—“

“get out, jean.”

jean flinched and connie pulled him for the door before it escalated again. you glanced at eren and said nothing. you just watched, blinking once.

eren was running his hands through his hair, breathing out shakily. you watched him intently, pulse rising slightly, watching the early signs of him slipping again.

“eren.”

his eyes flashed to you, pinning you in place, stare burning— he was starting to spiral. he was starting to slip. his hands shook, held in a tight fist while his other hand ran through his hair, tangling in the hairtie that held part of it back.

“eren, i’m okay.”

“no.”

“eren.”

“no,” he said your name again and his voice softened slightly, “you almost got ripped to pieces. your leg was in that titans mouth! you could have—“

“you saved me.”

there was still titan blood on your shirt. and you didn’t have the heart to tell eren that some of it was yours… your leg was bandaged tight enough to hurt, though the sting and ache still carried over every other thought.

“your ankle is broken. seems like i did a pretty shitty job of saving you.”

you shifted again and eren’s eyes flashed to you. this time they were full of worry and guilt. he eyed you softly, almost sadly, “i thought i was going to lose you…”

“you didn’t.”

“but if i had, i—“

“stop…”

you shifted once more, moving to make room on your bed. eren hesitated momentarily, eyes widened slightly, hesitant—

“you are awfully worried for a friend.”

your voice was playful, but as soon as you said it you regretted it. eren’s eyes were back on you, that darkness sinking in again.

“a friend?”

the edge to his voice returned—

you breathed in deeply, deciding to bait it instead of back down and try to soothe him.

“isn’t that what you said?”

“you know damn well what i said earlier.”

“remind me… i did just go through something traumatic. memory loss is common.”

eren’s eyes flashed, stepping closer to you, teeth gritted. he realized you were taunting him. you were playing with him and he didn’t hate it— you wanted him to say it again. you wanted to hear it all from him… eren’s mouth twitched, savoring how smug you looked, thinking you had control.

eren put his palm on the mattress and leaned in, “if you want to do this now, you can’t be shocked and back out when you get all of me…”

a chill washed down your spine, goosebumps appearing along your entire body.

“i warned you… i told you— i begged you- not to do this. not to love me… not to stay anywhere near me. i warned you— i told you what would happen— what will happen…”

“i don’t care.”

now it was eren’s turn to eye you with wide eyes, saying nothing.

“i know what it all means. i know what will happen…”

“you—“

“i have loved you since the first time i jumped between you and those soldiers. when i argued with jean and connie to trust you… when i stood against an entire room— every superior officer— and i swore that you were good. that you were…”

eren had shifted slightly, hand gentle against the bandage around your ankle, “i’m sorry. i’m sorry for all of it. that things aren’t different… that i— that you were dragged into this…”

“eren. it doesn’t matter. when i first came to you i didn’t know what i was doing… i expected you to stare at me with that irritated glare and tell me to get some sleep. i convinced myself it was just going to be once… that it was nothing and i could realize that i was never…”

“never, what?”

“in love with you.”

“say it again…”

“you already know, eren.”

“i want to hear it again… please.”

you closed your eyes and slowed your breathing, “i’m in love with you… despite everything. despite knowing how it ends…”

“you know what you’ll go through… for loving me…”

“i know.”

he breathed out your name, shifting to lower himself beside you, “i don’t want to hurt you. i don’t want you to go through losing anyone else… can you still say it with confidence? that you love me? that you won’t resent me when i leave you?”

“it’s too late for that now.”

“no, it’s not— you can kick me out. you can—“

“no, eren.”

“you—“

“it’s only you. if that means i lose you in just over a year… if that means i lose you tomorrow. i would have had you sooner. i would have loved you this entire time if you had just let me… the hookups, the nights where it almost felt real… you claimed me. you got jealous and said i was yours, so why— this entire time—“

“i don’t want to leave you.”

your breath caught, suddenly feeling all the questions and fight evaporate in your chest. you said nothing— you had nothing to say to that. your eyes met his, the room seeming to shrink. this entire time, he had loved you. he had fought it, argued against it, convincing himself it was easier to love from a distance. to keep it casual. to spare feelings…

“i just want to love you…”

eren flinched, shifting back to his feet and taking a step back. his eyes flashed to you, paler, cheeks flushed, breathing heavier.

“can i please? just… just let me love you. in whatever time we have left… before—“

eren was kissing you, then. both hands on your face, pushing you back against your pillows, shifting until he was on top of you. his hands slid to your jaw, grip tightening just slightly. your breath caught, head spinning slightly as he kissed you with all the force he could muster— shaking slightly as he held himself back.

his hand gripped your hand, sliding it up over your head as he pushed you further into the mattress. you followed with your other hand, nearly losing it as his hand closed around both of your wrists. his other hand traced your jaw, thumb tracing down your throat before his hand rested against it, closing just slightly.

you let out a shaky gasp, closing your eyes as his mouth found yours again. as you chased him to keep up, his mouth moved to your throat, “you’re mine.” you nodded, breathless. “do you hear me?”

you nodded again, unable to manage much else between his grip and the way he was on your mouth again like he was starved.

he had finally broken. that tidal wave crashed down, the dam he had built all for the sake of protecting you and keeping you from getting too close— shattered as he kissed you with everything in him.

the kisses weren’t gentle. his hold on you wasn’t light— it was rough, desperate— like just this moment could make up for everything he had wasted. recover all the days— years he had been fighting it.

“eren—“

his name in a near whimper almost had him losing his mind but he pulled back enough just to look at you, “is it your ankle? am i hurting you?”

you placed your hand over his on your throat and pressed down gently. you shook your head, reassuring him that he wasn’t—

“i love you.”

his eyes softened for a moment, though his possessive and hungry grip didn’t waver, “i love you too. i always have and it drives me fucking crazy…”

another kiss, messy and needy.

his hair fell in your face, your fingers tangling through, messing up the way he had pulled it out of his face.

“i love you…” he whispered against the edge of your collarbone, trailing up your throat, to your ear, “but this makes it harder.”

your fist tightened on the fabric of his shirt, keeping yourself tethered to him, “i don’t care—“

truthfully, with his hands on you, his mouth on your throat and his waist between your legs, you didn’t care about anything—

“i love you…” and eren kept saying it, repeating it, mumbling your name against your ear, “which is why i have to do it… to keep you safe.”

zoro had fallen asleep long before you had. he was slumped over with his head on your shoulder, snoring like he couldn’t possibly be more comfortable. he shifted slightly in his sleep, muttering to himself and draping an arm over you. you glanced down at him and smiled to yourself before returning your glance to robin and the notebook beneath her thumb.

“if he ever knew someone else saw him like this, he would deny it.”

you fought back a smirk, relishing in the way the renown demon was so soft and care free around you. how you had ever landed with him, you still didn’t know, but robin was even more amused by it than sanji— who was sure to tease zoro about it endlessly. you turned your attention back to the pages in front of you, rubbing your eyes tiredly.

“you can get some sleep… i do appreciate your help.”

robin glanced up at you, smiling tiredly.

“i’m okay… you shouldn’t have to translate this by yourself… besides, if i wake up, he wakes up. and he’s…”

robin eyed you softly, shaking her head slightly, “we wouldn’t want the swordsman crankier than he already is…”

you opened your mouth to respond when a noise cut through the air. something musical and haunting— a horn?

“what the hell is that?”

as you said it, zoro stirred beside you, face scrunched up like he was in pain. “zoro?” as soon as his movement started, it was over. he settled back against your shoulder, muttering something you didn’t quite catch before he was in a dead sleep once again.

you woke up, slumped in the same spot, awkwardly folded into zoro’s lap, bent at an angle that was already killing your neck and lower back. it was later than you usually slep and the quietness of the ship was very off.

“we have a problem.”

robin had returned, looking like she had either been up for hours or not slept at all. you moved to stand to your feet but there was still a weight slumped against you.

“zoro.” you bounced your shoulder, trying to nudge him into consciousness, “zoro—“

zoro woke with a groan, sitting up faster than he usually would. he glanced around the room and his eyes widened. he was jumping to his feet, hand on his sword.

you moved to follow him, about to ask what was wrong before he drew his blade, “where am i?”

“right…”

robin sighed, holding her hands out in submission, “it appears that a few of our crew have lost their memory…”

“what?”

zoro was eyeing you like he couldn’t figure out if you were a friend or foe. his grip was tight on his sword, eyes sharp, jaw set.

“where am i?”

“zoro…” your voice shook slightly, tone gentle and unsteady.

“who are you?”

oh.

robin sent you a sympathetic look as his words hit you and sank like a stone in your stomach.

“you lost your memory, swordsman… we are not a threat to you…”

zoro’s eyes flashed, landing on you again. there was a flicker of familiarity there. his expression almost softened, but he turned his attention back to the door, “where am i? i was on a marine base and—“

“we got you out of there, zoro—“ you cut yourself off, stomach twisting at the familiarity that he wouldn’t know, “you’re on your ship… with your crew.”

“my crew? i—“

the door to the study opened and sanji met your gaze, wide eyed, “oh, excuse me—“ his eyes lit up slightly as he took you in, “apologies, madam… i didn’t know there was anyone in here— would you mind telling me what’s going on? i don’t seem to remember where i am…”

you fought the urge to start crying— none of your friends knew where they were. your boyfriend didn’t recognize you… the room started spinning slightly just as there was a scream from outside.

sanji was already moving, zoro pushed past you with swords drawn.

usopp and nami were cowering in the corner, chopper was crying behind a stack of crates and luffy was just talking to them excitedly— likely making it worse.

heads all turned to you as the group joined in the middle of the ship. there was raised voices, arguments broke out instantly and you cursed under your breath. zoro stood coiled, ready for a fight and you fought the urge to put your hand on his chest to steady him. you would always reach for him— in tension, it anxiety, in excitement… now that you couldn’t you wrapped your arms around yourself, shrinking slightly.

“are you alright? are you cold?”

sanji had not lost his charm with his memory, at least…

“i’m—“ you reached for zoro’s jacket before remembering that it wasn’t there— he had it tied around his waist, no longer draped over you, “thank you… i’m okay.”

robin once again explained where they were and what had happened. zoro and sanji were arguing already, while luffy couldn’t get past the captain part; now enthusiastically parading around his ship with wide eyes.

“so we’re a pirate crew?”

zoro looked to you and your stomach sank.

“aren’t you a pirate hunter?”

zoro turned to sanji with a sharp expression, “i never actually gave myself that title. it was more of a source of income… had to make a living somehow, right?”

sanji clicked his tongue, unimpressed, “have you ever considered finding a real livelihood? earning an honest wage… doing something respectful.”

“and what do you do, eyebrows?”

you shifted to ready to move between them— when they were friends you didn’t have to worry about them actually killing each other… but now—

“i’m a cook.”

zoro snorted and you sighed.

“i’ll have you know, i don’t think there’s any greater honor that preparing people’s food…” sanji’s eyes shifted to you, expression softening, pulling his best flirting expression, “aside from maybe caring for and being loved by a woman…”

you shifted uncomfortably, stopping yourself from glancing at zoro. he would jump in and shove sanji away from you after growling a threat.

“i’m sorry. that your swordsman doesn’t remember you… i know that hurts.” robin eyed you gently, as you curled your knees to your chest.

zoro had announced that he was going for a walk hours ago and you hadn’t seen him since. you should have stopped him or gone with him— but you had no right to… he didn’t remember that you always went with him. that he never went anywhere without you…

you were half asleep when a hand on your shoulder startled you awake. sanji was eyeing you softly, “i’m sorry… about earlier… i don’t— i wish i could remember. i’m sorry if i…”

“it’s alright, sanji… you didn’t do anything.”

“where’s um… sword guy?” luffy had crashed into the room, mouth full of something sanji had made.

robin glanced to you sadly and opened her mouth to speak. just as a horn blew again—

you instinctively put your hands over your ears and cursed, jumping to your feet, “he’s back—“

“memory guy!” luffy launched off the balcony, diving for the top of the ship. sanji followed behind him and your stomach twisted as they held a boy by the collar.

“give them back!”

the boy giggled maniacally and kicked at luffy, causing him to be dropped into the water. you moved to dive after him, but sanji threw his arm around you to stop you, “let me—“

luffy was already streaking across the island by the time you had gotten off the ship.

you cursed as you were smacked in the face by branches or vines for the tenth time. luffy was trekking ahead, letting branches fly backwards without regard for anyone behind him. sanji stepped between you and luffy and eyed you apologetically, “does he always have this little regard for others?” sanji put a hand up to keep the branches from whacking you. you smiled to yourself, “luffy is good… he cares too much about others. but when his mind is made up on something he has no room or regard for anything else…”

you stopped short at the sound of a sword being drawn and a grunt. you nearly ran right into his chest as he was still stumbling blindly through the taller brush.

zoro.

“hey,” he sounded dazed, quite similar to when he first woke up– “are you alright? i was looking for you.”

“you were looking for me?” you echoed it stupidly, looking up at him hopefully.

“aren’t you the one that wandered off?”

zoro’s eyes shifted to sanji, sharper and dangerous. “you’re standing entirely too close to her.”

oh.

your zoro didn’t get jealous. your zoro had gotten past the idiotic being threatened by sanji.

“you….” you closed your mouth but stepped closer to zoro. he stepped between you and sanji, too tense to be normal.

“zoro… what’s—“

sanji scoffed and ducked past him, continuing to push plants aside. he held his arm up while you ducked underneath and zoro snapped.

“listen, curly brows.”

you flinched. sanji spun around, meeting zoro suddenly just as fiercely and worked up. you missed the yellow glow in his irises. you missed the way zoro’s jaw tensed like he was fighting through pain just before he drew his sword.

“stop—“

you threw your arms out as they swung for each other, sword meeting foot. you cursed as luffy started laughing. nami huffed, usopp shrieked and you were relieved chopper had stayed on the merry.

“you don’t even know why you’re fighting! sanji—“

you tried to jump in front of zoro but he only ducked slightly and threw you behind him with a grunt. he was unreachable— almost as if…

“the horn.”

robin had turned slowly, eyes on the small body of water near by. the others took off towards the bubbles under the surface, while you wrestled your way between sanji and zoro.

“i’m not taking your girlfriend, mosshead! but if she finally sees what’s right in front of her, well–”

sanji stumbled out of the way of a lunge, gritting his teeth in irritation.

“you’ve always wanted her! your doe eyes at her! your constant flirting—“

“zoro, stop!” you threw yourself in front of him and that’s when you finally noticed— his eyes. they glowed golden.

“this isn’t right…” zoro had paused to look at you, chest heaving, teeth gritted against the rage boiling inside him.

“sanji, look at me.”

sanji, thrilled to be told to do anything by you, turned to you enthusiastically. his irises glowed just as bright— as sanji turned and let his guard down, zoro raised his sword. you shoved your hip out, lifted your elbow and sent zoro tumbling off the edge of the grass and into the water.

sanji, momentarily eying you with heart eyes, snorted. he doubled over in laughter and you huffed. zoro came up sputtering, now even more infuriated.

“you—“

you eyed him sharply and clarity seemed to strike him. he came up with something between his fist, jaw clenched.

“give them back.”

he said it calmly, but there was nothing calm or peaceful about his demeanor. chills broke out along your arms as luffy moved to dive in with zoro–

sanji caught him, muttering something about being hopeless.

“what the hell is that?”

robin stepped forward, arms crossed, “i do believe that is the memory thief… he was just using the boy as a pawn.”

zoro tightened his grip slightly, to which the– creature— started squirming and making noises that you assumed where meant to be words.

“zoro—“

you jumped into the water without a second thought, to which sanji shrieked and followed behind you. zoro gritted his teeth at sanji following behind you and his momentary distraction gave the creature its escape. it dove under the water again before tearing across the dry land— luffy, nami and usopp chased after it.

zoro and sanji were at it again— wrestling in the water, trying to dunk each other beneath the water.

“would you two please–“

a stray foot struck the side of your jaw and you cursed. zoro and sanji froze, suddenly wide eyed—

“look what you did!”

zoro lunged forward with his hands on sanji’s throat, “you kicked her in the face!”

sanji shoved zoro off of him and rushed towards you, who was crossly storming across the grass now.

“i’m so sorry— i’m so sorry— i didn’t mean— please forgive me, mademoiselle, i— i’ll never forgive myself, i—“

zoro had tackled sanji again as yet another horn sounded. they both froze, sanji’s foot against zoro’s chest, zoro’s sword to sanji’s throat—

their eyes cleared. they blinked, as if waking up suddenly.

“are you okay?”

zoro pushed sanji backwards into the water and crossed to you, eyes soft. his gaze locked on you like he was memorizing all of you, “what happened, are— are you alright? where are we?”

“zoro…”

you breathed out in relief. whatever luffy had done to that seahorse thing, it had worked…

“yeah?” zoro’s arms wrapped around you, sword tucking back into its sheath.

you shook your head, “i missed you…”

pathetic, really— someone who was hazardously independent had longed for the comfort of her boyfriend in only a twelve hour lapse.

“i’m… was i gone?”

you just shook your head and let your face fall against the crook of his neck. his hand came to rest agsinst your shoulder, pulling you closer.

“did i get lost again?”

you almost laughed, “yeah…” because the truth would make zoro hate himself. to forget something so important went against everything he was. every vow and dedication he had ever made to you, “just for a little bit…”

“first lieutenant.”

you stood to your feet, shrugging off the exhaustion that clung to you like a wet blanket, “captain.” levi regarded you with a stiff nod and you tried to ignore the circles under his eyes that had gotten even darker.

“we have orders to ride out tonight.”

your breath caught but you didn’t let any hesitation or anxiety show, “we? our squad?” you knew better than to ask where you were going, or to even question at all–

levi rubbed his face and exhaled slowly, “no. just us. too great a risk to draw attention with large numbers…”

oh.

“right, captain. what do i need?”

“only what you can carry… we’ll travel light. meet me in the stables in an hour… say your goodbyes.”

your stomach dropped and knotted uncomfortably, “yes, sir.” you fought the rising of your pulse and the nausea roaring in the pit of your stomach.

levi had been human once; despite what people say and whisper. even as everyone called him humanity’s strongest soldier, a monster, cold, callous and immune to feelings— he hadn’t always been so hardened. he was made that way, broken down, pushed, driven until he couldn’t let himself be ruled by emotion. he was still levi. this you knew– behind the uniform and the permanently exhausted eyes and the looks that could command and silence entire squadrons without a word.

“why the hell are you doing this?”

levi had growled then, as he nearly beat you bloody. you lifted a fist to block that he countered– “i told you,” you kicked out and nearly throw him off balance, “i’m going with you.” you never beat him in a fight. you were never better than him or as strong as him… but you followed right behind him. in training, in rank, in life…

“attachment to me will get you killed.”

“worrying about me will distract you.”

levi had never let softness show— not to others, not in front of his squadron, certainly not in situations of conflict or in front of superior officers. but he was always there. he had always been there. he nearly begged you not to follow him into training. you had argued you would be safest with him and he had nearly screamed that he couldn’t guarantee you would be safe, that he couldn’t always protect you.

graduation came, with levi at the top of the class and you right behind him. you fought harder than you needed to, you hit harder than you should have. but you made it. respected and feared for your rank and your past with their captain.

levi was already standing in the stables, his head resting against the forehead of his black stallion. his hand was up against his neck, striking his mane tiredly. you could see his lips moving and your chest tightened with how gentle he was with his horse. your expression softened, pausing to just watch him before announcing yourself. you savored the quiet— the flicker of a gentler man that you knew was still fighting.

“you can come in. you aren’t interrupting a serious conversation.”

your mouth twitched up, noting the way he didn’t try to hide his softness towards his mount. he shifted his head off his horse slightly to take you in. “are you ready?”

“yes, sir.”

levi regarded you tiredly, glancing around once, “there’s no one here,” he breathed your name sleepily, “there’s no need for that.”

“levi.”

you said it softly, like you weren’t sure you were allowed to. levi closed his eyes slightly, like he was savoring the sound of his own name. he regarded you with a softness, slowly crossing the stables to you, “you know what i’m going to say.”

“i don’t need you to protect me…”

but he would. he always would… with everything in him.

“we may not come back here… have you said your goodbyes?”

he stood close enough that you could wrap your arms around him without taking a step forward. you nodded, eyes on him, looking into his own like only you were brave enough to do.

“there’s no one here for me.”

nothing.

you belonged with levi. whatever life threw at you…

levi looked like he wanted to scold you- knowing what you were implying by your words, your tone. he knew it was pointless. you are as stubborn as he was and twice as loyal. he had once yelled at you when you went rushing through a crowd of titans just to get to him. you were like a damn stray, he had screamed– too stupid and attached to know better than to leave. he had been terrified to lose you, though with him that came out as anger. fear couldn’t exist. caring more about you than himself couldn’t exist…

yet—

levi was silent most of the ride. it was the thing you could never quite bear with him… the footsteps of your horses echoed through the trees like an omen. too quiet. too still…

“we will make it as far as we can before nightfall.”

“make camp. i can keep watch…”

you nodded, though your thoughts were elsewhere. the leaves in the trees seemed to move unnaturally— as if they were waving goodbye or ushering you into a fate you always feared.

“what is it that you aren’t saying.”

he never said things as a question. he stated them, like he knew what you were thinking and he knew you were keeping it from him.

“do you think we’ll come back from this?”

“the end is in sight, i think. i have no intention of losing you now…”

your stomach gave a small twist in protest of levi breaking his rule of pretending not to care.

“and after the war?”

levi slowed his horse slightly to match yours, turning to look at you fully. his tired eyes settled on you like he was trying to solve a puzzle. like he wasn’t quite sure he followed…

“what will we do then? just… go on. like it never happened? like… friends didn’t die… we weren’t forced to see monstrosities every day…”

levi looked away from you, like he hadn’t even considered that. an after. a life without death and fighting and barely surviving.

“i don’t know.”

oh.

“do you still want that cabin by the lake?”

his words struck you so suddenly and sank so deep you nearly fell off your horse.

“i—“

you had mentioned that once. over ten years ago, when you were still naive and young enough to hope. in a world that was different where you hadn’t become a soldier before you ever had your first kiss.

“the cabin… in the woods, by the lake.”

“i know.”

levi hesitated, eyebrows furrowing slightly, “i didn’t mean to offend you… i didn’t think—“

“why do you remember that?”

your voice was dangerously close to shaking. you were dangerously close to slipping up. all because of a stupid dream you had had when you were twelve.

levi looked at you again, eyebrow raised as if he was confused by the question. you just looked at him, hoping your expression didn’t reflect all that you were feeling.

“i remember everything you say…”

and then suddenly there he was again. that boy from your childhood with the dark eyes and small smirk that could never be convincingly annoyed with you. the levi that would sneak pastries from baker carts and shyly bring you a handful of half dead wild flowers– weeds, really– while rolling his eyes when you made a big deal of it.

“levi—”

you shifted awake in alarm, eyes wide as you momentarily forgot your surroundings. levi’s eyes were already on you– they likely had been before you even woke up, just assuring himself your chest was still rising and falling and you were sleeping soundly.

“i’m here.”

his finger twitched as he fought the urge to get off his log and go to you. you had been shifting and muttering to yourself and levi ignored the twisting in his stomach that you were the first person he called for in fear—

your eyes dropped his gaze in embarrassment, shifting to your feet to poke at the fire and add more sticks. “i can take over…”

“no.”

levi didn’t sleep when it came to watches. especially if you were involved, he barely blinked, never looking away long enough to risk you disappearing.

you eyed him with a look that would have had an entire squadron trembling. levi just looked back with the same tired, unbothered stare.

“fine, then.” you paused by the tied horses to scratch their foreheads before joining levi on his rock, “i’ll sit with you.”

levi shifted slightly, looking away from you and turning his attention back to the fire, “okay.”

you wrapped your arms around yourself and curled your knees closer to your chest. even though he was looking anywhere but you, levi noticed. he stood to his feet and shrugged his jacket off. you turned to look at him as he was draping it over your shoulders. he said nothing, though his eyes met yours for a moment and softened. there was a softness behind the hard edges and exhaustion, a small glimmer of that faraway childhood.

“thank you.”

he just nodded, sitting beside you again, this time closer. his knee brushed against yours, shoulder to shoulder to provide some warmth. you shivered slightly, fighting the urge to sink into that warmth and familiarity against your side.

“you can sleep. i’ve got you.”

levi shifted just slightly and your head was on his shoulder. you shifted your head again to see he was already looking at you. he was so close your breath caught. his eyes reflected the fire, somehow making the dark circles under his eyes more prominent. his eyes dropped briefly to your lips and you opened your mouth to say something.

say your goodbyes.

you had only ever cared about losing one person… and he was here. now, with only you. how could you possibly ever say goodbye to him?

you shifted just slightly, watching levi do the same. your nose brushed against his, breath mingling as your eyes fluttered closed. there was a slow, sharp inhale like it hurt. the warmth against you disappeared as quickly as it was there. levi pulled away like you had stung him.

you flinched, scrambling to catch your breath as if you were suddenly falling. slightly dazed, you opened your eyes again to find him looking at you like he was about to scold a cadet.

“levi—“

“did you almost just do something stupid?”

you blinked. his words hit you like a bullet.

“i—“

“i’m going to walk the perimeter.”

levi stood up and the small distance between you leapt to a canyon. you watched him go with a tugging in your stomach, longing to just follow him. to grab him and finally close that gap…

“i’m sorry…”

you whispered it to no one. to yourself maybe— to levi, who had made as much space between you as possible.

you didn’t see the way levi had looked at you. the way he had almost leaned in. the way he was shaking to stop himself from doing so… his fist was clenched under his gloves as he pulled away, jaw clenched as he stood up and forced himself to walk away from the only thing that mattered to him.

the sun was just thinking about rising when your pillow started moving. “up, woman.” there was a groggy, yet almost amused tone. you squinted, lifting your head slightly and glancing around cluelessly. levi was looking down at you with furrowed eyebrows. he rolled his eyes slightly when you finally opened your eyes and met his stare. there was a flicker of amusement as his mouth twitched, “good morning, then. you sleep like the dead. it’s a marvel you ever wake up in time for anything…”

you realized, much later than you should have, that your pillow was levi’s leg and that you had no memory of falling asleep so close to him— on him.

“we should get going.”

you sat up, still groggy and slightly disoriented and wondering how you hand ended up using your captain as a pillow. and why he hadn’t shoved you off with an irritated grunt.

perhaps he should have. but as he watched you shift in your sleep and curl up around yourself like you were in pain— or perhaps cold— he couldn’t just sit there. goddamn him, he could never just sit there. he had joined up to protect you and that was still his priority. he shifted beside you with a shaking hand on your shoulder. you stilled in your sleep, muttering softer, shifting closer to the source of the comforting touch.

“levi?”

“i’m here. you can go back to sleep. i’ve got you.”

your head fell against his shoulder and your arm draped around his own. you reminded levi remarkably like a cat— one of the strays he would throw scraps to when he knew no one was looking— curled up against him, not shifting again. like the cats, he would look out for you while he could, taking care of you, hoping it would be enough for just one more day. unlike the cats, he had let himself get attached…

you had fallen— melted, really— from his shoulder to his lap, sinking into him like he was all the comfort you would ever need. his chest ached as his hand shook, fighting to reach out and comfort you. to hold you, pull you closer—

“we’d better go.”

levi brushed himself off as he stood to his feet, eyes once again towards where he was heading and not on you. they tended to linger when they were on you… distracting. dangerous.

he mounted his horse and didn’t bother waiting for you, though he glanced back once to assure you were following. he had not taken his cloak back from you and if he was cold he was never going to say it. it was long enough to cover your legs and part of your horse’s hindquarters. he would much rather have himself be cold than you.

you fell into motion with the movement of your horse, feeling your leg muscles slowly start to protest as the sun rose higher into the sky. you shifted in your saddle, wincing slightly as your seat bones began to feel numb. pulling your horse up besides levi, you pulled out an apple from your saddle bag. he eyed you, silently protesting. you pushed it towards him again with raised eyebrows, almost scolding.

levi looked at you with that same bored expression but took the apple without a remark. you fought back a smile as he ate it, knowing he was hungry but was going to save all the food for you.

“are you going to tell me where we’re going?”

“i quite like that you just follow me across country blindly.”

and you would. without question, you had.

“that’s my job, captain..”

levi glanced at you with a hint of amusement, “and if it wasn’t your job, lieutenant?”

you nudged your horse forward so he walked ahead of levi. so you didn’t have to look at him.

“you know the answer to that.”

because it had always been between you. unspoken and deep rooted— clawing its way through you no matter how much you shoved it down. it seemed to get stronger, more desperate— more dangerous, sometimes so strong that it hurt.

levi had saved his apple core and fed it to his horse when he dismounted hours later. there was still daylight left but he had muttered something about time schedules and better safe than sorry. you suspected he had wanted to give his horse a break and likely give you a break since he had kept glancing over with a sharp expression each time you shifted in the saddle or winced.

“stretch your legs.”

levi took your horse, sticking his elbow out slightly for her to rub her forehead against. your heart did a small somersault at his softness towards the horses as his gaze remained the same.

“is that an order, captain?”

but just standing felt so much better already. your legs shook slightly, feeling like jelly.

“it’s a request.”

you quirked your lip up and he almost did the same. every crack in his emotionless armor feeling like the small, nearly nonexistent hints of sunlight in the underground. flickers of hope. the smallest, tiniest fragments of a good future.

you nudged him slightly as you brushed past him. his hand closed on your elbow and you flinched, looking up at him.

“don’t go too far…”

another way of levi showing those cracks. that he did, despite everything and himself, still care.

“captain…”

all the titles and years of showing no signs of being close to each other had made using just his name feel wrong. forbidden and against every rule you had been drilled on.

levi eyed you, eyebrow lifted.

“levi.”

he seemed to relax just slightly, mouth twitching slightly, “yes, first lieutenant?” he sounded amused— scolding you for using his rank and title and then doing the same thing.

you almost laughed— something that seemed even more wrong in this world— eyeing him with a softness that he would never be used to.

“you should sleep.”

levi always looked exhausted. permanent dark circles under his dark eyes and pale complexion. he eyed you like you had done something stupid before shifting slightly and attending to the fire, “i’m fine.”

you reached for his hand gently, stopping him from poking at the fire further, “levi…” it was that tone you used when no one else was around. the cautious, gentle scold when he was close to pushing himself too far once again. he eyed you, sharp and almost hesitant.

“i don’t take orders from you—“

you held a hand up, “levi.” it was the tone only you would ever get away with using on him. there was a flicker of something in his eyes— irritation, certainly- but also something deeper. that recognition and acceptance that you were still looking out for him. still caring.

“are you positive you will be alright?”

you eyed him with a tired, slightly exasperated glance. you had, remarkably, survived nights without him. nights where you were the highest rank and kept watch over an entire troop…

“only an hour… wake me up at the first sign of anything.”

“get to sleep, levi…”

you watched him shoot you a final indignant glare before shifting slightly and slumping back against the tree. a small part of you longed for him to rest against you like you had him— to show that small, casual display of affection. to make that move towards you and not only allow you to pass out against him. levi still looked stiff and on high alert as he closed his eyes but a deep sigh told you he was trying.

“don’t wander.”

he peered at you with one sharp eye, somehow still giving you orders while falling asleep. he did eventually fall asleep— or at least looked very convincing while faking– and almost looked peaceful. his color returned slightly the longer he slept and you let more than just his promised hour pass. you knew he would scold you and likely give you a full lecture, but he looked so peaceful. the firefight flickered gently, reflecting his sharp features that had been worn entirely too much for twenty odd years.

you had nearly made it to thirty— something neither of you would have ever bet on. the image of an older levi popped into your head and your stomach twisted. grey hairs dotting his rich black— the very beginnings of wrinkles that would never be from smiles… a future. a future where maybe he would eventually smile— he would rest. he finally feel safe enough to let go…

there was a ring on his finger in the vision suddenly and you were hit with such a strong wave of nausea that you lurched forward. something in your chest broke— your stomach twisted as your hands started shaking. you curled up against yourself, suddenly unable to breathe. your heart was racing, breaths unable to come fully— your vision danced as you gasped for air in short bursts.

there was movement behind you and you were barely aware of the hand on your shoulder.

“breathe,” levi said your name and the ache seemed to worsen. he was kneeling then, eyes level with you in a worried expression that betrayed his usual collection. “breathe.” his tone was sharper— desperate to pull you out of whatever this was. you closed your eyes tightly, feeling tears stinging in your eyes against the sudden panic that wouldn’t release its hold.

“look at me.”

you nearly collapsed into him with the weight of it. you gasped for air, reaching for your chest as if you could manually make your lungs work.

“look at me, goddamn it.”

your forced your chin to lift— eyes shut against the waves that threatened to drown you.

“now. open your fucking eyes.”

you did, nearly startled at his sudden closeness. levi was inches from you- closer than even the time you had almost kissed him— he said your name then and your breathing slowed.

“are you with me?”

you nodded, leaning forward until your head was almost against his chest. his hands were on your shoulders still; grip firm and tight enough to ground you. to keep your focus on him.

“what the hell was that?”

you just shook your head, screwing your eyes shut once again. levi got mean when he got scared- his tone would get sharper, his words even more blunt.

“did you fall asleep? was this another nightmare?”

he didn’t seem angry— he had beaten scouts bloody for falling asleep on watch, reminding them to never let sleep win over keeping the squadron safe. but he wasn’t angry now…

he was worried.

you would have almost preferred getting yelled at. that ache returned, slamming into you like a brick wall. you cursed and reached for your chest once again, demanding that your body listen to you—

“are you hurt?”

levi had shifted closer, hands now on your arm and side, searching for any sign of injury. heat spread through you and you stumbled backwards, ripping away from him.

“i’m sorry—“

levi stood with you, eyebrows furrowed, dark eyes wide; searching you like he couldn’t understand what was happening. he followed you again, “i need you to tell me what the fuck is going on.” his voice shook slightly and you realized he was scared— that something was very wrong with you and he couldn’t figure out what—

“i’m okay… i’m sorry— i—“

levi had his hand in your forehead— so suddenly that you nearly flinched. his eyebrows were furrowed, expression pale, eyes darting back and forth along your face, searching for the problem. he placed his thumb below your eye gently, slowly pulling it down to search for signs of a head injury. you closed your hand around his wrist and he froze, eyes darting to meet yours, “sit down.”

“i’m fine, levi—“

“sit your ass down now or i’ll write you up. that’s an order.”

goddamn him.

he knelt down in front of you once again, following you as you sat. his eyes stayed locked on you as you forced your breaths to stay calm.

“there you go…” his own voice began to steady, keeping his hold on you securely. he was still knelt in front of you, hands on both arms, keeping you grounded, almost holding you like he was the one worried. “breathe,” he said your name again and you looked up at him.

once again levi was entirely too close. dangerously close, once again lighting that unspoken thing between you. his eyes drifted over your face like he was assuring you were alright once more. he shifted his glance over the trees and straightened slightly, “i am going to go clean up in that ravine.” you followed his gaze over your shoulder. “come with me. i want you close.”

he stood, pausing to hold his arm out steadily for you to pull yourself up with. you trailed behind him, still feeling slightly dizzy, still feeling that your heart beat was still not as steady as it should have been.

“i thought the panic attacks stopped.”

levi didn’t stop to glance at you as he unbuttoned his shirt and shrugged it off his shoulders. his words caught you off guard but their weight seemed to dissipate as you took his his bare back and your eyes followed the curves of his shoulders.

levi glanced over his shoulder to catch you staring and his mouth twitched up. your face flushed and you threw your gaze to your feet. levi smirked to himself, choosing for once not to say anything. his chest constricted slightly and that ugly longing he had known returned. it twisted in his stomach, crawling up and expanding in his chest before trying to claw itself out of his throat.

“come over here.”

your heart leapt, red cheeks suddenly flushing even more. you shrugged off your jacket and boots and trailed behind him, suddenly shy and awkward. levi glanced at you, one eyebrow raised. you realized with even more of a blush that his pants had been discarded on the ground and he was deep enough in the water now that you had no idea if he had anything on at all.

“are you embarrassed of me, lieutenant?”

you straightened your shoulders, trying not to shrink under his intense stare. “no, sir.”

“after everything you’ve seen, you’re suddenly squeamish shen it comes to nudity?”

you nearly choked on your breath. you had seen entire squadrons bathe in bodies of water. sometimes stripping frantically in the middle of camp to scrub their comrades dried blood off of them. you had no shame in it. you had nothing to be embarrassed by… but levi. it had never been casual with levi. levi, who had only ever let you see that interior. who allowed you past the cracks and the terrifying outward presence.

“do you remember when you got bit by that water snake?”

your body nearly recoiled on itself just at the memory. levi had stood guard while you bathed in the small body of water that night. he had ordered the entire scout troop to keep their backs turned upon the threat of death. he had heard you scream and gone diving in after you without even knowing what was waiting for him.

“are you cautioning me about going in too deep or asking me to warn you of any snakes?”

he had carried you out of that water and sucked the venom out of your ankle, all while still commanding an entire squadron to keep their backs turned. he had spat the venom out and draped his cloak over you then as if it had been nothing at all. the medic was ordered to tend to you once you were covered in someone else’s shirt and wrapped in his cloak.

“no… i’m remembering how you looked at me like i could make it all better. like i was the only one who could…”

your stomach twisted as you kept your eyes on his shoulders. he never looked at you when he spoke about things that were important. you had at first thought it was because he was embarrassed at the thought of being so worried and caring so much. you had come to realize that he couldn’t— because when he did he thought too little, he felt too much and he almost allowed himself to be swept up into all of it.

“i think that scares me more than anything.”

you had joined him in the water, keeping your undergarments on just so you could avoid feeling completely vulnerable to him. it was bad enough when he looked at you like that— but to really see you. to see you and know that one wrong move would complicate everything even more. it would be so easy…

“i don’t know if i can protect you anymore. days are coming when… if i’m not there— i won’t trust anyone else to do it.”

“levi—“ he was crossing that dangerous line again.

“i tried to get you reassigned. to be my first instead of…”

your chest ached.

“you’re too strong. of course others need you. selfishly, i…”

“levi. can you look at me?”

he didn’t at first. shoulders tight and tense, breaths coming in slow, deliberate drags. but he lifted his eyes and his dark eyes met yours, rooting him to the spot.

“it just appears that i need you too… i never used to think i needed anyone. but then you’re away for days… and i never know if you’ll come back— if your squadron can keep you protected if the absolute worst were to happen…”

you moved closer to him and he didn’t move away this time.

“i joined for you, you know. yes, i was forced to— but then i got thinking about it… a military captain. i could do something good… i could protect you and have it mean something. i could keep you safe and keep you close… i could get a ring and—“

you nearly slipped on a mossy rock and fell into him—

“if things were different. if you hadn’t followed me… i- if i didn’t have to worry about you more than i already did… if i could just know—“

“levi.”

you said his name like he needed to hear it. like he was drifting into his thoughts and slowly being pulled away once again— you crossed that final space between you and closed your hand over his. his eyes widened slightly but he didn’t pull away. tired eyes looked back at you and you saw everything reflected in them. fear, exhaustion. the weight of trying to carry everything and only letting you in when pushed…

“i’m right here.”

for a moment his gaze softened— his eyes drifted to your own again before dropping to your lips. for a moment it would all be worth it— a kiss that had waited for ages— a night that would express everything that had been buried and desperately trying to claw its way to the surface. that longing…

that love—

levi almost let himself lean in. he almost let himself crash into you with the desperation and hunger of a man who had no restraint or self control. like a man who had not been through hell just to keep breathing—

“i know.”

he stepped back just as he was about to lean in. the gesture felt like being pushed from a cliff. the foot he backed up may as well have been a cavern—

your knees shook slightly as you almost fell face first into the water after him. nausea washed through you again and you fought against the sudden urge to throw up. you scrubbed yourself aimlessly before trudging back onto the rocky shore. levi exhaled slowly, rubbing his face in frustration, cursing himself in every language he knew. the look on your face would be another to visit him in his restless sleep— that haunted, surprised, almost empty expression each time he got too close just to shut it down.

coward.

the word echoed in his head like a gun shot.

he debated dunking his head under the water just to quiet the taunting. just to silence the noise— with a final curse, he turned back to the shore and stormed back towards you. he wouldn’t even bother getting dressed— he would grab you by the back of the head and crash his lips against yours— he would pin your against a tree and apologize for how rough and rushed his kisses were. because he was starving— he was desperate and needy for you and he was sorry—

levi froze, eyes narrowing against the trees. he said your name slowly. his pants were already back on when he realized you must have headed back to the horses— he said your name again, louder— more desperate.

he could hear it already. the footsteps. the creaking of trees.

levi took off at a run— gritting his teeth against the voices that told him he was too slow. that he would be too late— horses broke through the trees, already near a gallop, straining their heads to escape the approaching abnormal. levi leapt and swung onto his horse, shifting forward as his horse increased speed. “good boy,” he muttered against his horse’s neck as he rubbed a single stroke against his mane. he looked over to you, so relieved he nearly laughed. your eyes were sharp, looking ahead with a cross expression.

“they won’t make it through that water— not before—“

trees were uprooted behind you as a scream filled the air. your horse snorted and jumped forward, while levi’s remained unshakable,

“get between me and the river. look for a shallow spot—“

the ground shook as the titan gained speed, eyes locked on the two of you like it was already celebrating its meal.

“take my horse.”

“levi—“

before you could argue, levi fired his odm gear and disappeared into the trees. the titan slowed momentarily, apparently mesmerized by levi. it turned its head, mouth gaping. you increased your speed and the titan followed. he stumbled slightly as he switched speed so quickly— hand outstretched entirely too close. you urged your mare forward, cursing to yourself, feeling your heart racing in your throat. a hand swiped as the titan dove onto its stomach.

you were hurled forward, over your horse’s shoulder. levi’s horse kept running, disappearing into the safety of the trees. nausea swept through you as pain struck your leg. the titan, once again rising to his feet had slowed to a walk. there was a short whirr through the air, a splatter of blood and the titan collapsed onto the ground. it didn’t move again as levi peered at you from the nape of the titan’s neck.

too slow. he had been too damn slow. but as he looked at you, his stomach twisted. he said your name— much more desperate than he had intended. he was running— sliding to his knees beside you. his hand was on your back. turning you to face him. there was a scrape on your cheek from where you had slid over the rocks, your leg was bent at an odd angle and tears streaked your face. levi fought a wave of nausea at seeing you hurt— his biggest fear, his only fear-

“my horse…” your voice shook, cracking as emotion took over.

levi lifted his head, realizing your tears weren’t for you. your brown mare’s sides heaved a few feet away. blood streaked the ground where she had skidded. her ribs were uneven, broken in a few places from the impact. her hind leg was bent at a sick angle, snapped in two beneath her.

you stumbled to your hands and knees and crawled to your mare, tears blurring your eyes. levi fought back a wave of emotion at seeing you like this— heartbroken, injured— crying more for your horse than yourself.

“you know what has to be done…”

he tried to sound gentle- he hoped he sounded apologetic.

your hand shook, closing around your revolver.

you couldn’t.

you had taken so many lives— titan and human. to hold a barrel against the pretty white markings of your faithful mare…

“she saved your life by throwing you.”

you tensed slightly, feeling a sudden wave of anger. he was being so insensitive— so real… always so real.

“if she hadn’t, you would be dead… she was hit right where you would have been sitting.”

nausea roared through you and you buried your face in her mane once more. your hand was shaking too much to pull the trigger— your closed your eyes and whispered apologies. her ears flicked towards you and you knew she was listening. her eyes were wide, breath labored against the pain.

levi put a hand on your wrist, lowering your hand. you looked up at him, wide eyed. “look away,” he said your name softly, this time comforting. you still just stared at him, mouth gaping with words that didn’t come.

“look away,” levi said your name again, this time firmer. it was the tone he used to give an order you never agreed with— one that he hated just as much and would live with forever…

you stood to your feet and closed your eyes, not bothering to fight the tears that fell. “go wait by cavalier.”

levi’s black stallion had returned, awaiting patiently by the treeline. his ears were flicked gently towards his rider and his fallen companion and you knew the stallion understood as well as you did. he nuzzled your shoulder gently as you buried your face against his mane and cried. the gunshot rang out like a cannon, making you flinch. your tears fell harder and suddenly you felt the weight of every loss in your life. levi’s chest was against your back then, hand on your bicep. there was something in his hand, you realized through the tears. he had cut a strand of your mare’s tail for you and that’s when you really lost it.

his arms were open before you brought yourself to even speak. you threw yourself against his chest and his arms closed around you like he had been waiting. he held you like a vice, squeezing tightly against the cries that shook you.

“i’m sorry…” levi rested his forehead against the top of your head, closing his own eyes against the sound of your heartache. “she saved you… she knew what she was doing… that horse was more loyal than half the men i see… she deserves better. i gave her what i could…”

you clung to levi so desperately that his chest hurt. this was the hold you would have on him when he returned injured. when you would refuse to leave his side and clung to him like you were terrified he would disappear. like he meant something— like he meant everything—

he was the only one that had ever made the pain go away. in every situation, he had forced you to keep going. sometimes dragging you, kicking and screaming into another day. this time he held you in silence, not offering any other words of comfort or praise for your beloved horse. you knew he was sorry. you knew he cared— but god, how thankful he was that it had been your horse and not you…

“i’m sorry…” levi finally spoke after what felt like an hour, “do what you need to do… but we’d better get moving again…” you lifted your head from his chest slowly, wiping at your eyes. it seemed pathetic, suddenly, to be crying over your horse but be so numb and immune to death—

“what will— i… we didn’t bring a spare horse…”

levi sent a sad glance towards your mare, “you’ll ride with me.” you glanced up at him, hand resting on his stallion’s mane, “i—“

“cavalier can handle it.”

levi mounted his horse and held his hand out to you, eyes softening as he took you in. you closed your hand around his and climbed on behind him. you shifted slightly, chest pressed against his back.

“hold onto me,” he spoke your name again, softer. reassuring. your arms wrapped around his waist and you closed your eyes. you let yourself melt against him, carried by the movement of the horse. for now this was good enough… for now you could hold him. you would hide your face against his back, letting the pain in your leg overtake the aching in your chest until you knew nothing else.

“wake up, first lieutenant…”

you shifted against something soft, face pressed into a pillow as you tried to understand your surroundings. “levi?”

“the captain isn’t here.”

you sat up, eyes widening slightly as you grasped to ground yourself, “gone?”

“yes, lieutenant… he should be back by tomorrow.”

“where is he?”

“the captain wouldn’t tell anyone. he took two men with him and left three days ago.”

“three days ago?”

“yes, lieutenant. you’ve been unconscious for four days… the captain came in with you at breakneck speed. his poor horse was exhausted, but he didn’t stop until you were taken by the medical team.”

nausea surged through you again as you moved to stand. you were draped in levi’s cape and a warmth spread through your chest. your leg was in a cast, you realized with a sickening drop of your stomach. you stared down at the offending leg with disgust.

“just a small dislocation… should be all healed up in no time…”

you sighed deeply, shifting to stand on shaking legs. you adjusted levi’s cloak tighter around yourself, “what are my orders?”

“captain instructed you to rest until he returns.”

you scoffed, smiling to yourself. of course he did…

“no other news, ma’am.”

“take me to the commander—“

the man saluted you and tensed slightly, wincing, “sorry, ma’am, but captain instructed me to make sure you don’t go looking for an assignment.”

your glare sharpened and he flinched, “and i am ordering you to—“

“apologies, ma’am. i take my orders from higher up.”

you muttered and sighed, feeling too tired to argue.

“captain said you are permitted to walk around if you are careful and you may check on his horse if you wanted to…”

his horse.

he had left cavalier here to recover…

you were half asleep with a book propped against your leg. the sun streamed through your window, much more comforting and misleading than the world outside. the words on the paper bled together and you had no recollection of what you were reading. the sun shifted outside and you closed your eyes.

your door opened sometime later and you flinched slightly, “you’d better have something important to say, or i’ll have you court martialed—“

“and here i thought you would be happy to see me…”

you opened your eyes to levi, who was smirking just slightly, hand still on the doorknob. you sat up instantly, so quickly your head spun.

“i take it that idiot didn’t tell you not to read.”

you glanced down at your book and lifted your eyebrows, “he said i was to rest and that i may have only the company of cavalier.”

levi smirked faintly, “you have a concussion. you’re not meant to strain your eyes… i will have a word with him.”

you shifted, just noticing the blood on his clothes. you stood to your feet and levi’s eyes softened. the exhaustion was suddenly more prominent— the composure he so meticulously kept faltered.

“i’m the only one who returned…”

your heart sank as you closed the gap between you. levi said nothing but you knew the look in his eye. the tiredness in his eyes, the strain on his face. the constant loss, the death that always surrounded him and followed him to every corner of the world. the way he forced himself to keep going. to shrug it off and carry the weight like a motivation instead of an anchor.

“i’m sorry…”

“i came back to you… that was all i—“

but then he was kissing you.

he was on you so suddenly and so strongly that you could have swore you slipped into a dream. his hand was on the back of your neck, dragging you into him. his other hand on your hip, grinding your hips against his with agonizing deliverance. your lips parted as his hand slid through your hair, tugging slightly before tightening his hold at the side of the base of your throat. you breathed out shakily, desperate and already slipping.

you had waited— you had longed for this— for him. it would always have been him. it would only have been him… you let your head fall back as levi all but devoured you. there was a precision in the way he kissed you— like he was savoring it, memorizing you— learning you. noting all the ways to earn a small, needy sigh. his thumb stroked against the side of your jaw, squeezing just slightly until you were putty against him. your mouth moved against his, shifting as he directed, groaning as he bared into you with all the messy yearning he had been burying.

“stay right here…”

his fingers tangled through your hair, breath shaky.

“i’m going go clean up…”

but you weren’t letting him go. so many years of almost— not quite— so agonizingly close just to never reach— your hand tightened against his shoulder blades. you gritted your teeth before deepening the kiss, daring to let your hand slide up his hair. it earned a shaky sigh as that meticulous, militarian control started to slip.

he would never get into bed without being clean. he would never scatter his clothes about on the floor—

“i’m going to take care of you first…”

you unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt and his breath caught. you placed a slow, deliberate kiss against his chest as his head fell forward onto your shoulder.

“stop…” but he said your name like a plea, breath shaking, arms trembling slightly as he reached to cup your face. “look at me.”

you lifted your face from his chest, prying your mouth off his skin. he tasted clean. the faintest hint of sweat— blood appearing to only get on his clothes and the faintest bit on his cheek and forehead.

your eyes met his timidly. his expression nearly broke you as he took you in. he shifted just slightly, once again tilting his head back to meet your lips.

“i love you.”

he didn’t pull away. the kiss deepened, pulling away only to inhale slowly. you closed your eyes against him, feeling the waves inside you begin to rage. to wash over you threatening to drown you. you would let them— you would let yourself drown in him…

finally.

a tidal wave crashed over you as he finally pulled away, still pinning you between him and the mattress. his breath was steady and controlled, though it shook slightly. you curved up into him, eyes tight against the feel of him—

finally.

it would only ever have been him—

he buried his face in the crook of your neck, hair falling against your shoulder, “i’ve always loved you… i would rather love you now than keep pretending i don’t… to spend whatever time we have… we could have—“

you shifted just enough to make him look at you. his eyes were dark— glossy, hungry with something you hadn’t seen from him.

“i know. you’re here now… we’re here now— even after everything…”

levi kissed you once more, eyes fluttering shut like he was convincing himself this was real. that you were real. that you were still here. that you were his…

“i’ll make it up to you…”

“you don’t need to do anything—“

“let me show you…”

“levi.”

your hand brushed through his hair, he looked at you through heavy eyelids and a dark expression.

“just let me take care of you for once…”

you shifted cautiously until you were straddling him. hands gentle as you traced his scars, wiped the blood from his chin, brushed his blood crusted hair from his eyes, “please…”

levi had closed his eyes against your touch, though his eyes snapped opened at your plea. he looked at you through heavy lids, “do your worst to me…”

it had been a stupid plan.

it sounded genius at the time; as steve explained it so enthusiastically, looking so proud of himself. you hadn’t bothered arguing; though the longer you sat and pondered it— and anticipated it— the worse it sounded. there was too many variables. there was too much at stake. there was not nearly enough time.

wait for a planet to crash into your world and just hope to god— and whatever other fate the universe held– that it lined up and wouldn’t crush you or flatten the tower. better yet to have everyone on top of it at once, instead of sending one unfortunate sacrifice to see if it worked, and then have the others climb up after.

not enough time, everyone swore at that idea. not enough time to climb the tower but enough time to risk everyone getting taken out at once…

“you’re muttering…”

you were also pacing. but you stopped doing both and turned your head to the familiar, comforting voice. mike was watching you softly, the smallest hint of amusement on his lips. you inclined your head, shifting closer to him as he lifted an arm to tuck you against him.

“hey,” mike kissed your temple, shifting you slightly so he stood behind you, arms around you, keeping you secure between he and the guard rail, “you okay?”

you almost nodded; then settled on shrugging.

“hey, it’s going to be okay…”

“mike.” you sighed and let your head fall back against him, “you always say that…”

“and i’ve been right so far, haven’t i?”

“mike…”

mike said your name in the same tone you had said his, “i’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

“okay, but it isn’t just me, is it?”

he just said your name again, softer, almost pleading.

“what about max? and eddie? and…”

mike spun you quick enough to cut you off, kissing you before you could attempt to argue— you wouldn’t have– and you melted into him like wax on a candle.

mike hummed against your lips, not stupid enough to vocalize his smugness at how quickly you melted into him and how you didn’t bother arguing at all. he moved to pull away but you grabbed him desperately and pulled him back against you.

“okay, lovebirds!” steve sounded amused as he whistled, “time to go.”

you let your head fall back into mike as his hands held you against him in an unspoken, possible last hug.

“it’s going to be okay. i’m right here with you…”

that’s what you were worried about.

you glanced back at mike anxiously, hands on the ladder, shaking slightly. “i’ll be right behind you. i won’t let you fall…” he stepped closer and kissed your forehead, pausing just for a moment as if savoring this. like it could be your last quiet moment together…

robin had nudged you playfully as she started climbing up, after jonathan, “hope no one’s afraid of heights.” you laughed nervously, trying to keep the nausea twisting in your stomach from coming out your mouth.

your knees shook slightly as you took in the view. you could see most of hawkins from up here and it might have been peaceful if not for the menacing, angry red sky that threatened to crack apart. mike stepped behind you, hands on either side of you, pulling you from your daze. he gave you a small smile, one that didn’t carry to his eyes, one that didn’t quite hide his anxiety.

you put your hand to the walkie, squeezing tighter than you needed to to stop your shaking, “hop… do you copy? we’re ready…”

“i copy, kid… you keep yourselves safe up there.”

“copy… don’t let el wear herself out…”

the walkie buzzed as the signal fell just as the tower groaned. you gasped and instinctively latched onto mike. mike’s arms were around you instantly, shushing you gently, “we’re okay… i’ve got you. we’re okay…”

you breathed out shakily, nodding as you steadied your breathing.

“that’s moving…. fast…”

the anxiety in robin’s voice wasn’t missed by you— the slight shake in her words. it was moving fast. too fast… then as suddenly as it started, it stopped. you hand was still in mike’s gripping his fingers tight enough to bruise.

“el’s got him…” steve was behind you suddenly and you felt yourself relax slightly. “be ready…”

you exhaled deeply, glancing around and meeting the anxious but anticipating expression of dustin, “let’s end this…”

movement started again, slower this time, easy and controlled— going as planned. you instinctively ducked, wincing at the steady approach. mike’s hands tightened on the back of your arms as he kept you securely between him and the guard rail.

“hopper—“ steve had grabbed the walkie from you, voice laced with warning, “it’s going to fast!”

static was the only response.

your heart dropped as you clung onto the railing and mike clung on to you.

“it’s going to hit…”

dustin’s voice shook, though you barely heard him through the roaring in your ears.

“get down!”

just as steve yelled it, the top of the tower screeched and the world shook. there was the sickening crash and groan of metal breaking as the top of the tower broke and went tumbling down—

you screamed as it collapsed against the railing, knocking the tower into an unsteady tilt. the railing was gone, and where mike’s arms had been, there was nothing—

robin was screaming your name, mike’s terrified yell echoed in your head—

and you were falling.

you barely screamed before there was an arm around you, shaking slightly, groaning with the effort of catching you with one hand.

steve.

of course it was steve…

“i got you. i’ve got you, it’s okay…”

mike was there again as quickly as he disappeared. his arms were around you, breathing in shakily as he pulled you into him. you hadn’t even had time to be scared. you had barely screamed before you realized what was happening.

“you’re okay…. hey— hey, you’re okay…”

but mike’s voice shook too much to be believable. he glanced to steve in a silent thank you, eyes still glossy. robin knelt beside you, nearly hysterical and in tears as he pulled you in.

“hey…. hey,” you weren’t sure if she was reassuring you, or herself, “it’s okay…”

but when she moved her hand away from your side, there was blood. and the world seemed to slow.

“oh,” you breathed it out like you couldn’t quite believe it. you almost laughed, really— to think you had almost fallen to your death only to be caught and now be bleeding…

the world slowly started to tilt as pain ripped through your side, adrenaline wearing off and pointing out that something was obviously very wrong.

you could hear panicked voices and you tried to focus on mike. tears stung your eyes as you gritted your teeth against the pain, squeezing his hand hard enough to bruise.

“look at me, okay?”

you nodded, though even that seemed to make pain explode in your side. you moved to look down at your side and mike shifted in front of you, lifting your entwined hands so you would focus on that. he shook his head slightly, trying to smile despite the evident panic in his eyes, “you’re going to be okay…. alright? it’s nothing. it’s nothing, okay?”

you nodded, closing your eyes against the pain.

steve was talking again, patting the side of your face enough to almost sting, “stay with us, buckley.”

“steve, we need to move—“

the brief argument faded as you tried to only focus on mike’s hand and how warm it was.

“i’m sorry…”

an apology from mike brought you back.

he sounded so guilty and so scared…

“you didn’t do anything—“

but his hold on your hand tightened as you were picked up. pain roared through you, protesting, igniting worse than even before. you couldn’t stop the scream that moved through you whatever was lodged in your side shifted and dug in deeper.

mike had tears in his eyes when you forced yourself to focus on him. blackness swam at the edge of your vision as steve tried to say something to you. your vision darkened, pain took over and you fought back a whimper.

“you’re okay… you’re alright, we’re gonna get you— hey…”

you heard a frantic yell and the panicked cries of your sister before you saw nothing else.

a slow, repetitive beep slowly pulled you from sleep. you shifted faintly and moved to itch the dull pain in your arm. you groaned as a hand closed around your own, “don’t pull that out, you need it.” you recognized steve’s voice immediately and opened your eyes wide. you were in a hospital and only steve was there.

you remembered the tower– you remembered mike keeping it together for you…

“steve?”

his expression softened but he look exhausted, “of course you wake up when i finally convince wheeler and robin to leave and get some sleep…”

“where is mike? is everyone okay?”

“your boyfriend is fine… he’s been an absolute pain the ass, driving everyone insane…”

you smiled to yourself but winced as pain hit you again. steve frowned for a moment when he noticed your pain but shifted closer, “you scared the shit out of us… collapsing like that when we were nowhere near a hospital…”

you frowned, “i didn’t mean to.”

steve squeezed your hand again, “hey, i’m kidding… we’re glad you’re okay… that’s all that matters. we didn’t want to lose anyone else.”

“anyone else?”

you sat up too quickly and winced, “steve…”

for a moment you thought of eddie and almost max—

“we all made it… we’re all okay.”

you almost laughed with relief, settling back against the hospital bed. steve set the walkie against your stomach with a soft expression, “they’ve been waiting… i doubt they actually got any sleep and i wouldn’t be surprised if wheeler is still in that waiting room…”

you pressed your thumb down on the button with a small smile, “wheeler… do you copy?”

the response was instant— a shaky inhale, followed by your name. unsure, disbelieving, unsteady…

there was no other response but not even a minute later, there was running outside your door, in the hallway. steve muttered something under his breath and sighed, rubbing his face in exasperation.

mike and robin both stood in the doorway, wide eyed and tearful, disbelieving and smiling.

“you’re awake…”

they nearly tripped over each other as they crashed through the doorway.

“you scared the shit out of us–“ robin pulled you into a hug, face buried against the top of your head. you breathed out shakily, closing your eyes against her familiar hold.

mike just eyed you softly, hesitant, worried—

“i’m really glad you’re okay… i didn’t know if…”

you reached for his hand and mike shifted closer to you, “i’m okay… i’m sorry for scaring you…”

mike kissed your head, breathing out slowly, “i love you.” he leaned in and kissed your forehead and you closed your eyes.

“is everyone okay? is holly— what about vecna? he—“

“vecna’s dead. holly is safe… everyone’s okay…”

a bubble above you seemed to pop—

“it’s over.”

“it’s over….”

you could have cried— tears spilled from the corner of your eyes and you leaned forward, burying your face in mike’s chest. his arms wrapped around you, kissing the top your head and resting his chin on you.

—

—

“do you intend on ever paying your tab?”

you slid another beer to shanks, tilting your head slightly. shanks looked up at you innocently, eyebrows lifted slightly at your scolding tone. there was a twitch of his mouth as he smirked faintly. shanks adjusted his hat, angling it so you could see his eyes. he gave you a small, amused smirk and you knew you were done for.

“do you ever intend on making me?”

his crew all stopped, conversation falling silent in the bar as the dare floated between you. you put your hands on your hips, shifting your stance slightly, narrowing your eyes. the room swelled with tension— the kind that never dwindled itself out— and shanks’ smirk only grew. he was enjoying the scolding. he was enjoying the tension…

“i should make you work it off.”

you finally spoke after the erratic beating of your heart echoed in your own head. shanks only smirked all the more at that before bringing the beer to his lips again and taking a sip. he regarded you once, expression unreadable, as if he wasn’t just high on the thought of you yelling at him.

“you probably should…”

you turned around again, expression challenging.

“maybe i will.”

“you should... you should make me clean this entire floor, it’s filthy. you should actually make me do anything you want. the dirty jobs. the ones you can’t quite reach yourself…”

the way he said it had your stomach twisting. your vision nearly blurred at how suddenly your pulse spiked at his words. somewhere behind you a glass was dropped and shattered on the floor, but everyone else and the bar itself had already been forgotten.

shanks stood up and you fought the urge to step backwards and steady yourself on the counter.

shanks eyed you, head tilted slightly as he did, “do you have any idea how you’re looking at me right now?”

“like i want to hit you?”

“not quite, sweetheart…”

there was that smirk again. smug. satisfied. so sure he had the upper hand.

you could just kiss that look off his face.

right in front of his crew.

but that would only boost his ego—

“shanks.”

his smirk didn’t budge- eyes locked on you like he would very much enjoy whatever happened next.

“get out.”

his gaze dropped to your hand on his chest and remarkably, his smirk deepened. his eyes burned with something dangerous and you forced yourself to stay standing. he took a step back, hands held up in surrender as if he was completely innocent.

“if that’s what you wish…”

you narrowed your eyes again in a sharp look that would have had anyone else stumbling over apologies and scrambling to the exit.

“is this your way of cutting me off?”

shanks stumbled slightly as your fists closed around the front of his shirt. his eyes were wild with the anticipation of what was coming— taking you in like a starving man finally seeing food.

“this is your way of paying your tab.”

shanks let out a shaky laugh as his arm hooked around your waist and drew you in against him, “i always intend to pay…”

you hummed against his lips, shutting him up with a kiss that broke apart the tension like an explosion. always. each time he came back and you found yourself tangled around him, devouring each other like no time at all— yet also a lifetime— had passed.

“and yet you never have—“ you paused to take your lips off his but shanks chased after you, trying to nip playfully.

you lifted your eyebrows in a scold and he just grinned innocently, “this way is so much more fun…”

you hummed disapprovingly but didn’t stop him from kissing you again— or from slowly pulling you down into the sand on top of him.

the beach was empty— likely something shanks had guaranteed upon the promise of death. the cloak that usually draped his shoulders and covered his missing arm was under you, saving you from the sand against bare skin. shanks hovered over you slightly, tracing kisses against your temple and down your cheek before settling against your lips. gently at first, then firmer, deepening into something delicate and hungry- a silent promise that he would always come back.

“i’ll miss you…”

you closed your eyes as shanks sat up slightly, taking your hand in his and kissing your knuckles. he tucked his fingers between yours and wiggled them slightly, watching the way your hands moved together as one.

“i’ll be back before you know it.”

“am i not allowed to miss you?”

“i suppose there’s no one i would rather have missing me…”

you shifted to sit up, tilting your head at him slightly, smiling at the very rare occasion he actually said something romantic and not smug or cocky. you glanced him over, admiring the view from where you were seated— which was mostly just his bare chest and abdomen. he had shifted back into his trousers and was eyeing you with a playful smirk, “you should see the way you’re looking at me now…”

your cheeks flushed only slightly and you huffed, “shut up, you insufferable, red haired bastard…”

shanks lit up even further, as if you insulting him was the greatest thing he could ever hope for. he leaned in for another kiss, his thumb and pointer finger tentative against your jawline. you leaned in and he was eyeing you softly— it was a look that could almost be love…

“i should hope it’s not another entire month before i see my captain again?”

“oh, now it’s your captain? only a few seconds ago you were calling me an insufferable red haired bastard.”

your mouth twitched into a smile, “both can be true at once.”

“i should be back in two weeks…”

“will be.”

shanks’ expression softened, slumping slightly in defeat, “i will be.”

“it’s luffy’s birthday…”

“i would never forget.”

“he’s going to ask to come with…”

shanks shifted so you were leaning back against his chest. he sighed, letting his arm drape over your stomach, “i know…” he placed a kiss on your bare shoulder and your head fell back against his shoulder, closing your eyes.

“what will you say to him?”

“the same thing i say to you…” another kiss against your other shoulder, “behave.”

you smacked his thigh and shanks cursed with a laugh, massaging his now bruised limb, “easy! be kind to me, love… i just gave you the best form of payment i have.”

you smacked him again and this time he didn’t stop laughing until you kissed him again.

“i will be back soon… stay safe. please take care of luffy for me…”

“always.”

“take care of yourself.”

“don’t get in too much trouble…”

“oh, but what’s the fun in that?”

you eyed him incredulously, scolding but adoring at the same time, “just come back to me, then...”

shanks’ playful expression faded into a soft promise, eyes on you intensely like a vow, “always.”

shanks turned just as a smaller form latched onto his waist, hugging him like it would keep him there forever. “are you sure i can’t come with you? i’ve been practicing! i think i could even win a fight now!”

you glanced at shanks with a sparkling adoration, unsure of how he managed to say no to luffy about anything. “now, luffy-“ shanks squatted, hands on luffy’s shoulder as he knelt to meet him at eye level, “i have no doubt you could. but i need you here. you’ve got to keep things running while i’m gone, alright? help out makino… keep an eye on my girl for me… and please behave for her…”

your heart skipped erratically once again at that— as if he hadn’t claimed you in multiple other ways and made it known that you were off limits— to be claimed so openly despite never settling on any sort of relationship…

luffy just nodded, blinking away tears before shanks noticed. but he always did. and you knew he hated leaving almost as much as he looked forward to coming back.

with a final wink to you and a ruffle of luffy’s hair, he boarded his ship and set off.

two weeks passed and you woke luffy up with a gentle shake. his bright eyes found yours and he was jumping out of bed and rushing out the door before you could scold him for getting dressed the rest of the way.

“shanks!! is he back?!”

no.

and you had been nearly as excited as luffy when the two week mark hit.

and then passed with no sign of him.

“do you…” luffy looked up at you with wide, glossy eyes, “do you think something happened to him?”

“no, luffy…”

it couldn’t have because he promised to come back to you. and shanks always kept his promises.

“but— he said he would be here for my birthday, right?”

“he’ll be here.”

but his birthday was tomorrow. and tomorrow came and your stomach started twisting with anxiety.

“happy birthday, luffy!”

you had spent entirely too much time on the cake. luffy would eat it in thirty seconds no matter what it looked like but it gave your shaking hands something to do.

he was late.

shanks had never once been late in the year you had known him…

luffy hugged your waist before digging into his cake that was decimated before you could even try saving a piece for yourself. luffy left one piece aside, however— pushing it towards you with a soft expression.

“that’s for shanks. when he shows up…”

your stomach twisted, heart sinking slightly.

something had to have been wrong.

something had to have happened to him if…

“he’s here!!”

you were jumping to your feet nearly as fast as luffy, ignoring the amused smirk from makino as you and luffy ran across the beach. the red force was not even docked yet and you had to stop luffy from running out into water. you grabbed the back of his shirt with a scolding expression you didn’t mean. he grinned up at you innocently, squinting up into the sun.

the moment you saw him your heart swelled— but you knew something was wrong. shanks held his ribs, walking with a slight limp as he approached. the obvious pain he was in did not stop him from smiling when he saw the two of you. his tense expression melted into something soft and adoring.

“i’m sorry i’m late… happy birthday, luffy.”

you raised an accusing eyebrow at him and he eyed you questioningly, “what is it?” shanks knew you were going to scold him and he would look forward to it.

luffy nearly knocked him off balance with the hug and shanks grunted slightly, wincing as luffy squeezed him.

“you’re hurt.”

shanks sighed, looking at you with a soft smile. he still wasn’t used to someone caring so much, “it’s nothing.”

“you have blood on your shirt…”

“it’s only mine. and only a little…”

you narrowed your eyes and shanks was grinning down at you like a fiend, “it’s good to see you.” he was smiling so softly at you that coming back to you injured could almost be forgiven.

“luffy saved you a piece of cake.”

that was truly the highest compliment he could have gotten from the boy.

shanks ate his cake, thanking luffy for saving it for him and complimenting how good it was more times than he needed to, just to compensate for making you worry. he told luffy of his adventure while you looked after his injury properly.

“you got stabbed?”

to luffy, that was the coolest thing ever.

to you, it was too close of a call.

“what happened?” you weren’t sure you wanted to know as you threaded the stitches through his side,

“it was nothing…”

shanks was giving you that same small smile, eyes softer than a pirate should be capable of. you only sighed, tying him off and nudging his boot with your own. shanks stood up and you began wrapping his side. your knuckles brushed against the skin along his ribs and shanks tilted his head towards you slightly. your eyes met his and time seemed to slow. luffy was still somewhere in the house, likely preparing his next saga of questions. but luffy didn’t stop shanks from kissing you. he lowered his head slightly, brushing his lips against yours with that soft smile. his hand settled on your waist and you struggled to tie his bandages securely before he was pulling you closer.

“shanks…” you pulled away just slightly, grinning. you inclined your head just slightly, towards luffy’s room.

“i think that everyone on this island has seen me kiss you, love… i don’t think that’s anything terribly shocking.”

your heart gave a small flip and you let him pull you in again. “you really should stop letting in so many strays…” you had made dinner for the crew, though most of them had moved to party’s bar once the food and booze ran out.

shanks still held you against him, eyeing you like you were the only thing in the world. he lowered his head to kiss you again and you hummed, “i don’t know…” you pulled away again as his mouth lowered to your neck, “i think i like finding strays…”

“mm,” shanks chided playfully as he kissed your collarbone, “i’d bet you would…”

your arms slid around his neck, fingers tentatively sliding through his hair, “they always seem to come back to me…”

shanks was half listening as he moved to your neck, kisses slowly turning into something else as his hand shifted to your lower back, “likely because you feed them…”

you lifted an eyebrow in exasperation, “and because i give them a place to sleep?”

shanks let out another hum and you felt him smirk against your skin, “everyone knows you should have never let a pirate into your bed, love.”

you laughed shakily, “he was charming…”

shanks had shifted you slightly, lips brushing across your collarbone, to your opposite shoulder, “they’ll be no getting rid of him now…”

and you didn’t want to. even as the times between visits became longer. even as two weeks turned into a month…. even when missing shanks turned into an ache in your stomach like hunger pains. kisses with shanks never remained just kisses. he was incapable of letting something remain so innocent and meaningless—

which is why luffy had followed the crew and makino to party’s bar and neither of you had noticed…

another quiet goodbye would follow three days of shanks following you around like a stray, fixing things that you hadn’t gotten to yet and climbing into your bed each night like he knew he belonged there. he always left you in the quiet hours of the morning, kissing you much softer than usual and promising to come back to you. his goodbyes were always so opposite his hellos— rushed and desperate, crashing into you like he was afraid you wouldn’t be there when he came back. his goodbyes were always a soft promise— a vow to return after reminding you— and himself— just how much he kept his promises.

you dragged yourself out of bed to find luffy raiding the fridge. you were groggy and your limbs felt heavier than usual. you struggled to wipe the sleep from you as you eyed luffy with raised eyebrows, “what is that?”

“cookies!”

you sighed, “for breakfast?”

“of course… i think shanks would let me have cookies for breakfast.”

you ruffled his hair and he eyed you with red cheeks, “shanks also thinks alcohol is a meal… and if he were here he would tell you to eat healthy so you grow big and strong.”

“he would let me eat cookies for breakfast… but then you would yell at him and he would tell me to listen to you.””

you eyed him with a soft smile, suppressing a laugh, “shanks is a smart man.”

you started on a real breakfast while luffy stood beside you, helping you crack eggs and stirring batter in the pan. he always made a mess in your kitchen and you never complained. he filled the empty quiet with laughter and never ending questions. he would trail behind you and sit with you on the beach, fidgeting while you read to him or showed him different plants or types of fish. now that he was older, he entertained himself better, building ships and forts out of spare wood and old bedding— but was still never wandering too far.

“have you heard from him?”

you glanced up from the laundry, watching luffy skip stones across the ocean. “nothing yet…” you fluffed the clothes and tucked them into the basket. “i wish it was just two weeks again…”

your stomach twisted slightly, feeling a twinge of sadness, “so do i. he’ll be back soon, though.”

“it’s been a month already… do you think i’ll ever be able to go with him?”

“i hope you do, luffy. i think he would be very lucky to have you on his crew…”

“maybe i’ll be my own captain one day… find my own crew. would you come with me?”

you had thought about it. leaving windmill village and finding a new life… but you were not made for the sea. instability, always moving around… but seeing the world…

“maybe… maybe some day.”

or maybe you would stay here forever. waiting. being the lighthouse for a red haired captain…

one month passed before you finally received a letter. luffy came crashing through the bar, tripping over chairs and disrupting customers as he waved the letter above his head proudly.

“it’s from shanks!!”

you stopped wiping down the counter and spun around, looking nearly as enthusiastic as luffy. you took it from him, immediately recognizing shanks’ messy handwriting, trying to find where it had come from— where he was. the rag you had been using fell limply to your side as you forgot everything else around you.

makino sighed, “go read your letter. hell knows you’ll get nothing else done until you do…”

“three months.”

the words hit you like an arrow to the chest. your stomach twisted, heart sinking harder than it should have. you hadn’t ever named it anything. shanks was in no way yours— he belonged to the world, to the sea. he always came back— checked in, made your head spin and nearly forget your own name before leaving once again. but he was never yours. there was no label, nothing spoken, nothing obligating him to keep coming back… nothing that ever made him only yours. exclusively yours.

“how many days until shanks is back?”

“fourty five.”

“a month.”

“three weeks.”

“ten days.”

“three days.”

the morning shanks was set to return, luffy was standing on the beach before the sun was up. you called him in for breakfast but he just waited. eyes on the horizon, feet slowly sinking in the sand as he looked for the first sign of sails.

you brought breakfast to him—

then lunch.

he hadn’t moved by the time you brought your clean laundry in, but he had shifted to sitting in the sand, rather than standing. he looked more defeated than this morning, but his bright eyes were still on the horizon.

“he’ll be here.”

luffy looked up at you, reassured and smiling again. you were never wrong— and shanks was never late.

“he may not come until later tonight… but he’ll be here.”

“will you wake me up when he gets here, if i’m asleep?”

you smiled softly, passing the smaller basket to luffy, who was clearly in need of a distraction, “i’m sure i will… unless it’s almost sunrise. then you can see him first thing in the morning.”

luffy pouted slightly, but deemed your agreement fair.

you stirred just slightly sometime long after midnight. there were arms wrapping around you and gentle lips against your temple as you were shifted against a warm chest. it was a dream, of course… in your dreams shanks always visited and never left— the familiar hands traced gentle circles against your arm and you almost swore you could feel his heartbeat against your cheek.

you startled awake, hand gripping onto the shirt fabric you were curled up against. not a dream.

he was back.

“shanks…”

“do you let anyone else crawl into your bed with you?” his tone was playful but there was the slightest edge.

“i thought this was a dream…” you pulled yourself from sleep the rest of the way and moved to sit up.

“am i often the subject of your dreams?”

“frequently. though dream shanks doesn’t ever leave.”

shanks hummed and you could hear his smile, “dream shanks is smarter than i am…” he tucked you closer to him, arms around you like a safety net. “i didn’t mean to wake you…”

shanks had no intention of waiting to be invited into your bed because he knew he would end up there anyway. long gone were the times he slept on the ship while he was docked here… you would have been disappointed and scolded him if he had waited until morning to find you.

“i missed you…”

shanks never said that as often as you did. though he always did and always showed it, he rarely remembered to voice it.

“i apologize for being so late… we got a bit off course in a storm and…”

you just kissed him in answer, shifting between his legs and dragging him closer. shanks exhaled slowly, content, letting his hands slide around you to keep you in place. he had been gone too long. far too long… and here you still were, shifting into his arms, pulling him against you with all the passion he had missed so much. the comfortable way you held him, your familiar scent, the way your lips always met his so eagerly— like he hadn’t dreamed you up or been forgotten by you.

“you always wait for me…”

shanks had dressed once again, just enough to not be caught by luffy if he came bursting in unannounced.

“i’m always here… if i’m going to be here, i may as well wait for you.”

“you could have moved on…”

you sat up slightly, pulling away, heart sinking.

“did you—“

don’t get jealous over a pirate who never stayed still.

“have you met more beautiful women on your journey?”

shanks sat up with you— quickly, almost frantic, “what?”

“i didn’t mean— it’s none of my business… i’m not— you’re free to do whatever you want, obviously.”

shanks shifted against the faint light of the candle, “you know i only have eyes for you… if there were any beautiful women where i was, i didn’t see them. and they wouldn’t have compared to you.”

your chest ached at his words and your vision danced slightly. there wasn’t others. shanks had never given any indication to be the sort to take multiple lovers to bed… but to hear it from him. so softly, without a moment’s hesitation… you opened your mouth to respond but you could think of nothing to say. not after that. not without sounding pathetic and lovesick…

shanks met your loss for words with another kiss, fingers gentle against your jaw, mouth soft against your own. the desperate hunger had faded but the passionate intensity made your head spin.

“shanks…”

he pulled away only slightly so you could speak, smiling against you as he caught his breath, “yes?”

“i love you…”

shanks pulled back slightly and your secret place of bliss shattered. your heart dropped, your stomach twisted as you realized what you said.

you were a goddamn fool.

pirates were not the sort for such deep, committing emotions.

shanks met your eyes, expression soft, hand caressing the side of your face. he stroked a strand of hair from your eyes and kissed you like he was scared you would crack against him. you melted into him, heart hammering as the anxiety and weight of your words sank down like a stone.

“i’m leaving again…”

oh.

oh…

“in two weeks…”

oh.

“you’re here for two weeks?”

you had to grasp on to the positive.

he didn’t say it back.

he was here with you for two weeks…

he didn’t need to say it back—

he kept coming back…

“yes. but when i leave again, i’ll be away for longer, i’m afraid…”

longer than three months?

“at least a year.”

you were standing before the full weight of his words settled against you. you hadn’t bothered covering yourself or wrapping a blanket around you as you blindly crossed the room.

“where are you going?”

you didn’t know.

“come back over here, please…”

you didn’t think you could.

his eyes were soft and sorrowful when you finally forced yourself to take him in. he was standing, hand outstretched just slightly like he was trying to soothe a feral dog.

“please come over here…”

you felt sick. your stomach twisted uncomfortably and you fought to stay standing. realistically shanks never could have stayed here… coming back so frequently couldn’t last if he was to ever see more of the world—

“i don’t want to leave you.”

but he always did. he always had to…

“when i return it will be different…”

you turned to look at him, incredulous, feeling tears threaten to fall.

“i will return. i promise you that…”

you shook your head, feeling that if you spoke, it would only come out as a pathetic sob. shanks eyed you so sadly you had to believe him… he always had his reasons. he was a pirate. he was a captain… he could never be chained to one place. he never was going to stay forever…

“okay…” you forced your words to come out, ignoring the way they shook and the way your voice cracked.

shanks eyed you, gaging your true feelings. knowing that you were not even close to okay… he was there, arms outstretched as you stumbled into him in tears, falling into his chest with barely enough energy to reach him before letting the tears fall.

he pulled you close, hand stroking the back of your head, shushing you gently as his kissed the top of your head. “it’s alright… it will be alright… i’m sorry. i’m sorry…”

you could have moved on. you realized he said it out of guilt. he had never intended for you to fall of him. he had never planned on finding a reason to return to this village so off course and out of the way… to find a little family. a solid home…

you fell into sleep eventually, curled up against him, latching on like you could keep him there just by that alone. shanks felt his heart ache, closing his eyes as he memorized the feel of you against him. the taste of you. the way you said his name… the way your arms were always open for him every time he came back to you… no matter how long it had been.

“i love you too.”

luffy trailed behind shanks every time he went anywhere— you watched from behind the bar counter as luffy sat among he and his crew, wide and bright eyed as he listed to their journey. you kept refilling drinks, accidentally ignoring the other customers. shanks slid a lazy hand around your waist as you leaned over him to replace the empty bottles. he kept his eyes on luffy, who was looking at shanks like he hung the moon— though his hand stayed on your side, thumb gentle, rubbing small circles just under your shirt.

the normalcy settled into your chest and wrapped around you like a coiled snake. shanks had stayed with you, rather than sleeping on the ship and luffy had become much too used to it. the three of you adjusted into a comfortable normalcy that was almost… familiar. shanks returned to doing whatever needed done— that luffy wasn’t quite big enough to do himself— like patch the roof and replace your shutter that squeaked every time there was a breeze.

shanks taught luffy more things while he was there, assuring himself that he could take care of you. you could take care of yourself and had done so just fine before him; but there was a guilt eating at him that he couldn’t get to go away no matter how much he helped out or how tightly he held you at night.

he would still be leaving. would any of this mean anything in the end, if it would be at least a year before he was back… luffy could be almost grown by then. likely a teenager at least— and you…

he couldn’t expect you to wait for him forever…

no matter how much his stomach twisted in protest, some things he just couldn’t stop...

you shifted in your sleep and shanks was pulled from his thoughts and his focus turned back to you. he held you as you shifted closer to him, muttering his name softly in your sleep. he smiled to himself, pulling you closer, holding you as tight as he could for as long as he had left.

you watched his ship sail away and closed your eyes. luffy was crying— he was trying to be big and brave like shanks said, hiding his face behind his arms. you put your arm around him and pulled him close, feeling him latch on to your waist in a hug. you savored the feeling of shanks’ last kiss. the one he had given you this morning, in front of his entire crew and the island that loved him.

your stomach twisted, the satisfied ache in your core becoming more obvious as you waved goodbye. the ache would fade. the marks along your collarbone, your neck and your thighs would fade all too soon. memories would keep you going, luffy would start tallying the days on his wall and you wouldn’t paint over them. you would miss shanks more each day, but the evidence of his presence would never leave.

and a month into your at least a year distance, you discovered something shanks hadn’t meant to leave behind.

you knew the signs before you let yourself even consider it. the nausea— you had thought was stress, the throwing up— you swore luffy had under baked the cookies, the missed period— you had been too busy to think about all of it at once.

“are you alright?” makino stepped into the small pub’s bathroom, latching the door behind her, “luffy said you’ve been—“

makino stopped, eyes dropping to your hand on your stomach and your tear stained eyes. realization struck her with a guilty, sad smile.

and you knew.

without a test. without any other doctor…

you knew with everything in you…

a year passed and shanks’ presence was only in the letters hung on the fridge— and the little red haired boy luffy was currently entertaining on the floor. you glanced away from the stove, pausing to watch luffy talking about the ocean and pirates and his favorite captain that would one day be back.

luffy understood before you had even told him. he knew what it meant suddenly— that shanks had never needed to come back to windmill village. but he always did. because of him. and you…

shanks had found a family and had accidentally created one of his own. luffy had run around the entire village the day the baby came. he announced loudly that he had a brother and you never once corrected him…

you had stopped looking for sails in the distance, you had stopped waiting for the familiar footsteps coming up the porch, but you looked down at the small tuff of red hair and brown eyes and took that as the promise. he would come back one day… and if he didn’t— shanks had given you a piece of him forever. but you wanted to tell him. you wanted to introduce him… you wanted him to watch his son grow up…

a year and a half since shanks left brought the six month mark since the birth of your son. luffy had enthusiastically made a cake, though you didn’t have the heart to tell him that babies couldn’t eat cake. makino brought over dinner and as you cut the cake, you heard laughter. it was the bright, joyous giggles of your son, laughing at something out the window. luffy looked up, cake slice crumpling in his hand as he jumped to his feet.

“he’s back...”

his words reverberated through your ribs, stopping you in your tracks as you straightened and scrambled for the window.

red and black sails.

the familiar ship against the ripple of the water.

“shanks…”

luffy laughed enthusiastically, barely getting the door open before he was running. you moved to clean up the kitchen— to tidy up—

makino grabbed your hand tightly, stopping you. your wide eyes met hers and her expression was soft, “go…” she released your hand and scooped up the still smiling baby, allowing you a moment to get your bearings and steady your racing mind.

you had had over a year for this…

to prepare for his return. to work out what to say… to greet him in a tear filled hug.

luffy had already reached him as your bare feet touched the sand. your pace slowed only slightly when shanks’ eyes landed on you. he looked tired. worn from his journey and time. wiser yet exactly the same... that same soft smile, those sparkling eyes, that kind expression that had always been safe.

shanks let go of luffy just in time to pull you into his chest. his arms were around you, clinging to you like he was afraid he would never hold you again—

“you’re back…”

“i promised you i would be.” his voice shook slightly, like he was still disbelieving he was back, “i would have come sooner… i wanted to come sooner—“

you kissed him and it held everything you had carried for the last year and a half. the grief, the loneliness, the changes—

“i love you too.”

you pulled away slightly, wide eyed and looking up at him like you imagined it.

“i should have said it sooner… i should have said a lot of things sooner… i have no intention of leaving things unsaid again… i wont leave you for another year. i want you to come with me… you and luffy.”

you might have collapsed in the sand if shanks hadn’t been holding you. your vision blurred as your grip on his bicep tightened. shanks lowered his head to kiss you again and you stepped back.

“you need to meet someone…”

your voice was so quiet you wondered if he even heard you at all. luffy— in his excitement and lack of social awareness— was speed walking down the beach from the house, holding a wriggling figure.

shanks glanced over your shoulder and his smile only faltered for a moment. his eyes narrowed, pulse leaping beneath your hand on his chest.

he looked at you, wide eyed. you fought a wave of nausea and anxiety twisting in your stomach and held your breath.

“is…”

shanks stepped closer to luffy, who was grinning like he was the proudest he had ever been. you could have planned it. you could have thought of what to say…

shanks had froze. you couldn’t even read his expression as he looked down at the grinning baby who was reaching out to him so enthusiastically.

“is he…”

his voice faltered as he turned to you, eyes soft, expression so intense and anticipating.

“he’s yours…”

shanks took a step back, nearly overtaken by the weight of your words. luffy held the grinning baby up to shanks but shanks just stared at you, waiting. processing.

your head was spinning and you felt as though gravity was slowly threatening to push you into the ground.

“i don’t need anything from you… you don’t have to— i just wanted you to know… you deserve to know.”

and then shanks was grinning, tears glistening in his eyes as he pulled you in for a rub crushing hug. he was laughing, overjoyed as he pulled you in for an entirely too passionate and enthusiastic kiss.

“i have a son…”

he was still smiling, disbelieving as he took you in, the looked back at luffy and the precious cargo he held.

“i would have told you… but i didn’t know where you were—“

shanks kissed you again, this time turning you slightly as you stumbled at the force of him. he was happy. he was so happy… more than you ever could have expected—

“can…. can i?” shanks turned from luffy to you, eyes soft and expectant, waiting for your permission to be apart of this life. of his son’s life.

you only nodded, fighting the tears in your eyes and the smile you couldn’t get rid of.

shanks held him so delicately that it nearly broke you. his hands shook slightly, cradling him against his chest like he had never held anything so important. shanks let out another disbelieving, overjoyed laugh and turned to you.

“i want to be involved… please— please i don’t want you to ever think i would just leave the two of you…” he looked to luffy, eyes softening, “the three of you.”

you kissed him again and shanks turned to his crew, one arm around you as he glanced back down at his son. his crew had started to make their way up the beach and he called for them.

“i have a son!”

he was laughing again, holding you tightly like he was scared to ever let go again. he announced it again until the entire crew was celebrating, each surrounding you with matching smiles.

“next time i leave…” his forehead fell against you, still smiling, “you’re coming with me. you’re all coming with me… i’m not leaving you again… i’m sorry. i’m sorry you were by yourself…”

“sanji?”

your favorite person in the whole world was not in his usual place, in the gulley. the stove was cool, the dishes all washed and put away— no trace of him even being in there.

you frowned slightly, changing your course to nami, who seemed to know the whereabouts of everyone, all the time.

“have you seen sanji?”

nami eyed you like she misheard you. she looked you over, then glanced around you suspiciously. sanji was, more often than not, attached at your hip. usually you never had to look for him because the two of you were nearly inseparable.

“did you check his room?”

nami still seemed confused and rather thrown off by sanji not being right next to you and you not knowing his whereabouts.

it was not unusual for you to go waltzing into sanji’s room, though he had never once stepped foot in you and nami’s room, even if you had given him permission— his cheeks would flush and he would only wait patiently at your door for you to come to him.

“sanji? when we get to this island, i was wondering if—“ you stopped as sanji jumped to his feet, glancing over his shoulder wide eyed, like he hadn’t even heard you come in.

“are you okay?”

at first you thought you had scared him but after a moment you realized he had photos scattered all over his bed. you knew he took photos. you knew he always carried the camera– and frequently wrestled it away from luffy.

you glanced over his shoulder and glanced over the scattered photos. candids, posed photos where everyone but zoro was smiling— you, vivi and nami, luffy eating, various locations of your journeys so far. you caught a glimpse of a few of him that you had taken and picked them up, smiling to yourself.

“quite the collection…”

there were none of just you— or of you and sanji, which you knew he had taken many of both. you had a particular favorite of the two of you that nami had taken that sat beside your bed.

“there’s— i do have pictures of you.”

you smiled slightly, tilting your head, “i know that… do you keep them in a special place close to your heart?” you had said it playfully, grinning up at him innocently to ignore the slight twinge of jealousy at seeing everyone else’s pictures.

sanji shifted, eyes dropping shyly as his cheeks flushed slightly. “actually…” his blue eyes met yours softly as he pulled a medium sized book out from under his blanket.

“i…. well–“ he passed it to you and dropped his eye contact, suddenly uncharacteristically shy.

you blinked once. twice. looked up at sanji and felt your chest tighten. he had the shyest smile you had ever seen, cheeks flushed slightly, cigarette between his lip as he chewed on it just slightly.

you opened it and your breath caught. it was all pictures of you. you with sanji, you by yourself. you grinning widely at the camera— at sanji who held it. you with sanji, pictures the others had taken of you looking at each other—

“you…”

sanji breathed in slowly, breath shaking, anticipating and dreading this conversation. the look you gave each other in that photo suddenly seemed so clear. it hit you like a punch to the gut. the way he was looking at you with that smile— the same look he was giving you when you looked up again.

“it’s not— i just… put them together… i didn’t— i didn’t want them to get lost…”

you turned the page and realized there was more than you had even thought. times you knew he had the camera but hadn’t posed or known he took them— you looked so happy in some of them. laughing at luffy. smiling at sanji, standing in the gulley with a ladel as you sampled sanji’s cooking.

“you’ve… these are from the very beginning—“ you flipped through the pages quickly, falling on the last page that had been taken yesterday. it was all of you— but you weren’t looking at the camera, you were looking at sanji. he was looking at you. there was so much between that look. so much unspoken in that glance and those smiles— “-to yesterday…”

“yeah,” sanji’s voice sounded far away, distracted— doubtful, “i just… wanted to remember everything.”

“why don’t you put everyone else in it too?”

but you knew… you had always known and just never let the realization settle in your chest.

“i…” sanji breathed in deeply and seemed to find his confidence again. he had nothing to be embarrassed about. those pictures of you were some of his most precious memories. he wasn’t embarrassed to keep every smile and every glance you gave him close.

“i wanted to remember you.”

oh?

“i’m not going anywhere…”

“i know…” sanji stepped closer and your breath caught, “but every smile. every little glance you give me that i didn’t notice…”

your cheeks heated and your heart pounded, stomach twisting nervously. his stare was so intimate. his blue eyes were so soft and intense; locking you to the spot and daring you to move first.

“but why….only me?”

sanji smiled then, tilting his head slightly. he held his cigarette between his fingers and his smile softened to a small, fond one. “mon cherie, don’t you know?” he stepped closer and you fought to breathe properly, “have i not been obvious enough for you?” his gaze and tone were so soft you fought the urge to melt into him just to stay standing.

“maybe you can say it anyway….”

your voice didn’t sound like your own— echoing in your own head as if proving this was real.

“i’m in love with you. i thought it was obvious from the moment i saw you…”

sanji grabbed both of your hands and you fought to keep breathing. “i apologize if that seems weird to you or… or if you don’t reciprocate i understand but i— i… i don’t see myself being unable to love you so you will have to learn to ignore it.”

your mouth twitched just slightly, letting his words settle against you and fill every thought. you let go of his hands and for a moment his gaze faltered— there was a flash of hurt, as if he was preparing for rejection. you moved your hands to his chest, smoothing his shirt before tugging on it so he stepped closer. his eyes flared, jaw ticking just slightly as a flash of hunger crossed his expression. you grabbed the front of his shirt with both hands as he stepped closer. you were just inches from his face now— noses nearly brushing against each other.

“how could i not love you, sanji?”

his breath caught and he looked like he was stopping himself from kissing you right then and there.

“you have a scrapbook of us—“

“of you.”

you eyed him with a playful scold, lifting your eyebrow just slightly, incredulous.

sanji laughed softly, loving the way you were looking at him. you just stared back, taking him in like you were trying to read his every thought. he was already leaning in when you pulled him in the rest of those few centimeters. you tilted your head back, he lowered his and your lips met in the soft, almost hesitant middle. your fist tightened on his shirt, his hands slid down to your hip to ground himself. you deepened the kiss, his hands slid around your back, rooting you to the spot.

the kiss turned from slow and agonizing to deeper and desperate. one hand slid from his shirt, up his shoulder, to the back of his neck and into his hair. sanji’s knees nearly gave out, crashing into you with even more desperation. a quiet, desperate groan escaped him and your breath caught. you pulled away just slightly to catch your breath, fingers twirling through sanji’s hair as he nearly buckled against you. his forehead fell against your shoulder and you felt him inhale slowly. he placed a single kiss against your collarbone, humming in satisfaction.

“what was it…” sanji paused to catch his breath, still reeling from the kisses that nearly broke him, “you were saying,” another gentle kiss on your forehead, head falling forward to rest against yours, “before you came in?”

you smiled to yourself, tilting your head back to look up at him again, “i don’t remember…” you let out a breathy laugh, disbelieving yourself.