#voidreynoldsfics

eren was half asleep when he came to the door. he looked you up at down, eyes heavy lidded, almost looking irritated if you didn’t know his usual expression. he smirked faintly when his eyes landed on your face again, “miss me already?”

“eren. just let me in…”

eren stepped to the side, pushing the door open further so you could duck under his arm. he was still smirking as he closed the door and turned to follow you.

“rough day?”

eren glanced down at you pulling at his belt loops. you scoffed and eyed him with a cool stare, “the people we fight to protect are now our biggest threat... they think we’re demons. there’s conversations of wiping us off the map…”

eren stiffened slightly, letting his arms wrap over your shoulders, “if you dwell on it, you know you’ll worry yourself sick.”

“well, eren—“

“we’re doing what we can. there’s plans in place, there’s talks in the works…”

“we wipe out titans here and all we get is threats as thanks… the entire meeting…armin was trying to play the moderator but levi and jean just kept arguing… if we can’t even agree, how are we supposed to get the rest of the world to trust us?”

“jean is an idiot. the captain couldn’t care less if he’s liked or not. believe it or not, you don’t need to carry the weight of the entire world on your shoulders.”

you glanced up at eren and huffed, “you always say that.”

“because i’m the one that carries the weight of the entire world on my shoulders…”

you sighed and let your head fall forward against his chest. eren draped an arm around your waist, tipping his own head forward so his chin was on your head. “did you come in here to rant?”

you glanced up at him, eyebrows raised— as if you hadn’t just been pulling him towards the bed by the beltloops of his pants. eren smirked to himself, taking your glare as answer, “how shall i have you tonight?”

you clicked your tongue and tilted your head again until your nose almost brushed against his. eren’s eyes softened, then darkened slightly before tucking his hand in your back pocket and yanking you closer. your mouth crashed against his, as if his touch was all the greenlight you needed. his hands shifted down slightly, open palmed against the curve of your thigh. your hands squeezed around his biceps, sliding up, fingers digging into his shoulder. eren breathed out slowly, breath turning ragged as your fingers slid up into his hair. he let out a breath that sounded more like a groan as he pulled you roughly against him once again.

you hummed against his mouth, nearly melting at the way a single finger traced the back of your thigh. he pinched gently and you shifted against him, leg hooking around his waist as you dragged yourself closer. eren smirked against your mouth, lifting you as if you weighed nothing and turned for the bed.

“you know you’ve left an imprint in my mattress…” he dropped you ungracefully on the bed as if dropping a sack of potatoes. you hummed in response, only half listening as your mouth chased him again. you found his lips, tongue brushing against his bottom lip, biting down gently.

“desperate, are we?”

you groaned as eren grabbed your jaw and angled your head so you looked at him, “i believe i said something to you…” he lifted his eyebrows in a scold and you felt your stomach flip as he straddled you.

“are you aware there’s an indent in my mattress now? it’s shaped suspiciously like you- especially in that one position that—“

you scoffed and smacked his hand away, shifting up to crash your mouth against him again. eren hummed in response, wrapping his arms around your lower back and lifting you to meet him. eren let out a breathy laugh, huffing slightly, “not up for talking tonight? fine. you’re always so damn loud anyway…”

your hands tightened on his bicep in a silent resentment to that statement. though when his mouth found your throat you found it impossible to argue with anything he said— the satisfied, smug snort almost had you shoving him back just to eye him incredulously and think of something to say back. but his teeth grazed your collarbone and his hands slid up your sides under your shirt and all the fight and resignation evaporated in a shuddering breath.

eren’s hands were soft. where yours were rough and calloused from holding reins, operating odm equipment and swinging swords, his were smooth. you wondered if he took the time to heal them, too. if he chose to do it— stupidly, if maybe he did it for you— so when his grip on you was rough and possessive, his fingers were soft and sensitive enough to feel all of it. every twitch, every goosebump, every shaky inhale in reaction to him. you bit your lip as his face buried against your stomach, teeth and mouth agonizingly precise against the beginning of the v just below your waistband.

your hands flew up instinctively, fingers tangling in his hair, gripping it like it was the only thing keeping you grounded to earth. eren breathed out again— a deep laugh that could have been a groan, “always so impatient… and so desperate for me.”

you huffed again, too overly sensitive and hyper aware of everywhere he was touching you to form a coherent argument. “this was supposed to be a one time thing, you know. what’s it been, six months now?”

you pulled eren’s hair roughy this time, yanking his head up so his eyes were on you. he was smirking slightly, lips leaning their spot along your stomach. he lifted his eyebrows, “yes?” he was always so damn smug. always so infuriatingly taunting and cocky.

“shut up.”

he lifted his head completely, open mouthed kisses along your stomach coming to a screeching halt. “ask nicely…”

you fought the urge to whimper in frustration or to smack him again, “please, mighty and powerful eren jeager… use your mouth for something else.”

this only made his smirk grow, clearly inflating his ego further. his eyes flicked down your body before meeting your eyes again and leaning in. he shifted once again so he was straddling you, rolling his hips slightly to nudge your legs open. he settled between them, chest inches from your own. eren held himself up with one hand and pulled your shirt up with the other, so swiftly you had almost missed it. your shirt was discarded over eren’s headboard and he was leaning down to kiss you before you could catch your breath.

your hands found his hair once again, burying your fingers in it, massaging his head, twisting strands of hair around your fingers. eren tensed slightly, eyes nearly rolling to the back of his head as he pushed up against you further in response.

you hated how messy you were for him. one look had you buckling and he knew it. even if you hadn’t come to him, he would have showed up at your door inevitably, arms crossed, eyebrow raised in a scold. just friends, but he sure knows every inch of you… just friends, but surely this is not nothing… you couldn’t possibly react this way to a meaningless hookup. your body wouldn’t anticipate just anyone— you wouldn’t taste him even in your dreams, waking up sore and craving eren more than breakfast…

just friends but—

but–

eren shifted once more and your wandering thoughts died in a whimper of his name. his forehead rested against your neck, placing kisses along your collarbone while he pushed himself closer. you moved with him, eyes closed, fingers fisted in his hair and on his shirt, clinging to him like he was the only thing you knew. it was the same song and dance. he always let you in. he always knew exactly what would get to you… he never just left it feeling casual. he was meticulous and agonizing and deliberate—

eren would kiss you on the forehead, rest his head against yours while you caught your breath, thumb shifting from your temple to your forehead to wipe your sticky hair from your skin. then he would tell help you find your clothes, walk you to the door, wish you goodnight and give you one last friendly, platonic, kiss on the cheek.

you never stayed the night.

you never fell asleep in his arms.

it could never get too real.

it could never feel like anything more than it was.

you shrugged your shirt back on slowly, eren not showing any shame at watching every second of you. he shifted behind you on his knees, pulling your shirt back slightly to place a open mouthed kiss on your shoulder. you tensed, hands freezing at the hem of your shirt.

oh.

that was new…

“sounds like someone’s in the hall…”

you hummed in acknowledgment, standing to your feet to pull your pants back on all the way. you glanced around for your shoes, feeling your chest tighten a little at the thought of making the long walk back to your room. once again.

you knew things could never be different. because of the world. because of the curse… because in less than two years, eren yeager would die. you had known. going into this. becoming friends with him, staying by his side even after everything— so you pushed it down. gritting your teeth and taking every night with him you could get before one of you came to your senses and ended it. before you let yourself think about how it had never been casual. how it had never been just a distraction. how a one night stand could have been with anyone. how you could have showed up at connie’s door instead. or jean’s. or even armin, though you knew he would be terrified of the mere thought of using you like a distraction.

it was eren. it would only ever be eren. because even before… you had never once imagined a life with someone. you had made plans. talked about the future. and then he transformed and the future you suddenly envision shattered.

“do you want to stay?”

you flinched, pulled from your thoughts so suddenly you felt like you were falling. “sorry?”

“when we ride out tomorrow… were you part of the squad or were you staying behind?”

oh.

right…

“i’m… i’m going. i think jean, sasha and i were assigned a separate task.”

eren just nodded, glancing between you and the door awkwardly.

right.

“goodnight, eren.”

you stiffly walked to the door, feeling your stomach twist like it did every time. you felt guilty, you felt giddy— your head spun with the aftermath of your visit, your stomach knotted with anxiety and longing.

things could never be different…

you knew that.

“hey?”

you flinched so hard you nearly tumbled over as connie met you in the hallway. he was eyeing you with raised eyebrows, almost like he was deciding if he was dreaming.

“are you…sleep walking?”

“no, connie.”

“oh,” he nodded slowly, deciding if that was enough of an answer. for connie, it wasn’t. “can i ask you something?”

great.

“what is it?” you tried not to sound irritated but your head throbbed, your legs were still shaking and your stomach was greatly debating on emptying all its contents onto the floor.

“what are you doing over here?”

you blinked once.

shit.

“did you get lost? were you looking for someone? jean’s already asleep, if you were wanting to talk about tomorrows excursion…”

it had been jean’s idea to split the usual team up. that could be a valid excuse to be here…

“i wasn’t looking for jean…”

you were too tired and spread too thin to lie tonight— even if a perfect story was handed to you on a plate.

“oh… okay.” connie eyed you like he had more questions now than he did before. you eyed him tiredly and he decided to drop it.

“i can walk you back to your room if you want?”

he was always remarkably good at reading you...

“sure, connie… thanks.”

by the time you were halfway to your room you had half a mind to tell connie everything. it would be nice to vent. to release your frustration and confusion in some other way besides sleeping with the source of your frustration and confusion… in a way you thought maybe some of them knew. that they didn’t miss the glances between you. the way things used to be between you… the silent longing and desperation for things to be different—

you were at your door before you had uttered a word. probably for the best…

“thanks, connie.”

“hey, don’t mention it. you looked lonely.”

you almost laughed.

how could someone be so lonely even while wrapped around someone and tangled in their sheets every night…

“maybe i am… sorry i wasn’t very talkative company.”

“that’s okay… i’m too tired for good conversation. i would likely just end up saying something stupid anyway…”

your mouth twitched up slightly, realizing you had almost told him about your not-at-all-sleeping arrangement with eren.

“yeah,” you laughed pathetically at yourself, “me too.”

it was the same dream again. it was always some form of the same thing… you were at the ocean. armin and mikasa were laughing, jean, sasha and connie were splashing each other and tackling one another into the water. captain levi had smiled. and eren stood beside you, gripping your hand as he convinced himself it was real. you would kiss him. sometimes you would wrap your arms around him and really mean it. other times he would push you in the water with a guilty smile. it was always good… it was always happy.

you always woke up in a cold sweat, laying alone, stomach sinking, feeling more lonely than you had before.

breakfast did nothing to improve your mood. connie and jean were arguing and sasha and mikasa had tried getting them to drop it, while only making it worse and louder—

“what the hell were you doing last night?”

you stopped suddenly, eyebrows lifted. jean was eyeing you accusingly and you made sure to note that he looked more exhausted and stressed than usual before lashing out completely.

“i’m sorry?”

“connie says he ran into you in the hallway.”

you exhaled slowly, turning to look at connie with a look that made him pale. “am i not allowed to go on walks at night?”

“the night before such an important surveillance operation?”

“what’s the problem here, kirstein?”

eren.

shit.

historically, eren had never had an issue confronting jean. historically, when you were involved, things got escalated…

“i was just asking her a question… this doesn’t concern you, eren.”

“it looks like you’re interrogating her instead of letting her eat her breakfast, jean.”

“oh, am i not allowed to talk to her now?”

you stiffened, fighting the urge to shift between them before punches could be thrown. eren’s jaw ticked and something flashed in his eyes.

“i don’t know. maybe not.“

you put a hand on eren’s wrist, tight enough to force him to acknowledge it. you breathed out slowly, eyeing him pleadingly. let it go. please…

“alright, then maybe i can ask you what she was doing in our hallway after midnight?”

fuck.

eren, instead of his usual snide, teasing remark about being your babysitter, smirked. something about his expression was off. something about the look in his eye sent alarm bells ringing…

“she was with me.”

your knees nearly gave out at this. your hand found the table before you could stumble forward and collapse onto the floor completely. eren stared at jean like a dare— his mouth twitched in a smirk and he didn’t even look at you.

“she was with you?”

now armin, mikasa, sasha and connie were staring at you with expressions somewhere between horrified and confused.

“yes, jean. she was with me.”

jean blinked once, glancing to you— you hoped your cheeks weren’t flushed too badly— and looked back at eren, as if putting the pieces together.

“and what was so important that you had to meet so late at night?”

connie coughed, mikasa had suddenly grown mjch smaller, and you turned to eren with a furious glare. warning. almost pleading…

“well, jean, you’re a smart guy, aren’t you? i’m sure you can figure it out.”

there was a small gasp from armin. sasha had stopped eating and now looked between the two of you with something of a smug, open mouthed smile. mikasa stared at you with an expression you couldn’t read and jean had gone several shades of scarlet.

“you’re hooking up!?”

connie turned to you, wide eyed and startled.

“connie.” you hissed through gritted teeth, wishing you could vanish right then and there.

someone behind you snickered and you tensed, “that desperate, hm? you could have come to find me instead of fucking a titan…”

your jaw tightened just as eren turned slowly. his demeanor was just as calm as it had been, though there was a deadly storm crashing behind his eyes. the calmness with which he could kill someone is what scared you the most. his breathing never changed, his expression never changed, he just seemed to get taller-

“she doesn’t want you, recruit. and if you enjoy breathing, i suggest you never bring that up that again.”

you flinched slightly, thrown by his mood today. he wasn’t reserved. he wasn’t subtle… he was radiating with an intensity you had always found intoxicating. he was…. jealous? no.

possessive.

the word reverberated through your skull as you watched him stare down an entire room. he may as well have just publicly claimed you. the way he stood slightly between you and everyone else like he didn’t even realize what he was doing,

“eren.”

he was so tense you worried muscles would snap. he turned his head to you slowly, eyes remaining just as intense and fiery.

he could cause an even bigger scene. someone could say something to make it worse—

“you forgot your cloak.”

that seemed to pull him out of it. he blinked once, shoulders relaxing just slightly as he looked you over, “right… of course…”

and he turned without another word and walked out. just as suddenly and silently as he had come in.

the others blinked slowly, looked to you for an explanation. your stomach was twisting again and you fought away the tears stinging in your eyes.

there it was.

a six month secret…

something that was never supposed to happen in the first place now saw the light of day.

you should have laughed it off. shook your head with an exasperated smile and say eren was joking. you had been in his room though it was for something much more innocent.

you followed him instead.

eren was at the stables already. he was leaning against the side of the stalls, arms crossed, brooding like a royal pain in your ass. he grunted when you approached, eyes shifting to you coolly.

“what the fuck was that?”

his lip twitched, eyes trailing from you to the ground, “nothing.”

“bullshit.”

eren grunted again, turning to his horse. your hand moved to close around his wrist and he countered it by grabbing both of yours. he lifted your arms above your head and pinned you between him and the wall, “what was that?” his tone had dropped and your pulse raised.

“eren.”

“so what if people know? you think we’re the only two people here fucking?”

“eren…”

he lowered his head slightly, hands on your wrists as he leaned in closer, “if you keep saying my name like you’re going to scold me or beg me for something, i’m going to lose it.”

you didnt fight him. you didn’t even bother pushing him off you, despite knowing he was barely holding you. your breath caught, pulse racing as he looked you over like a meal.

“it was your idea,” you forced yourself to breath steadily, shaking slightly, “to keep it a secret.”

“it was your idea to do it in the first place.”

“and you never stopped me! not once… not once did you send me away and tell me to find someone else to—“

his eyes were on you in a flash, nearly making you flinch. “someone else to what? what did you just say?”

something about his tone made your body ignite. chills broke out along your arms as he took you in with a furious expression. you had seen him like this… intense. brooding. full of rage he didn’t know what to do with… nights he took you like he hated you. where you just let him use up every ounce of pent up rage and anger and frustration. over and over and over… neither one of you having enough sense to stop. neither one of you thinking of the repercussions when it stopped feeling casual and meaningless. when it shifted to something primal— feral… a need that suddenly was no longer about needing an outlet, but needing each other.

it had never been about just anyone…

you had known that for years.

you had known you would never feel the same way about anyone else that you felt about eren. distance hadn’t worked. the cover of friendship, the way you always ran to him first when he returned from a scouting…

“say that again.”

it wasn’t a question. he wasn’t being playful or making fun of the way you had come to him first.

“i said find someone else… i could have—“

he was kissing you then. so suddenly and so full of desperation that it made your head spin.

“no.” it was more growl than words.

fuck.

he had never once kissed you like that. even in the messiest of nights when you feared for the structure of you bed frame— it had never been like that. and in the open— not behind closed doors. not while the other half of his body was busy elsewhere—

you pulled away first, only because you couldn’t breathe. you sucked in air like you had been drowning— and eren just chased you again. his hands found the back of your neck, your jaw, yanking you back against him, pushing until you were flush against the wall.

“don’t you ever,” his mouth trailed down your throat and your fingers gripped his hair and the back of his shirt just to stay standing, “fucking say that again.”

oh.

he was…

jealous?

no.

eren pulled away, eyes dark and heavy with desire. he eyed you like a man who was starved— as if in his mind he already had you bent over some surface—

possessive.

your fingers slid through his hair as he tilted against you slightly, knee gently pushing between your legs to get closer. you let out a shaky breath that only encouraged him further.

at any moment and entire squadron would come out—

captain levi would—

“you’re mine.”

eren’s words nearly dropped you.

your breath stuttered, letting out a small gasp as he bit down on your throat.

“what?”

your voice was broken— shattered along with that small bit of restraint in your chest. that part you had buried— those feelings, that all consuming flame that had always burned deep down—

“you heard me.”

eren was so close. pressed up against you as if there wasn’t the chance of someone walking by at any moment. he lowered his head slightly, mouth closing around your throat, just below your jaw. you sucked in shaky breath, hands gripping his arms to keep yourself standing.

“eren—“

“what?” his voice was thick, heavy with something that made your head spin. he closed the gap between you again, suddenly kissing you like he had been holding himself back this entire time–

your words died in a hum, grabbing onto him with a new desperation, just to keep yourself standing. you had fought this for so long— buried it down deep, letting yourself accept that you would never have more of him than just-

“i’m in love with you.” it came out with another moan as his hands tightened on your hips and his open mouthed kisses turned to tongue. before you could stop it, as you cursed yourself for arching into him and dragging him closer like it was instinct.

eren pulled back slowly, eyes dark and wild, “i told you not to say that…” he eyed you like he was disappointed, “i told you not to love me. i told you—“

this time it was you who wrapped your arms around his neck, looking up at him like you were finally allowed to finally see him. “i know. i know…”

his chest rose and fell like he was holding himself back. “you can’t just say shit like that. you can’t just—“

“you can’t just say i’m yours and act jealous and possessive and convince me that it’s still casual.”

eren stepped back, hands still on your hips, eyeing you like he was solving a puzzle. he opened his mouth, closed it. blinked once, ran a hand through his hair.

“it’s not-“

“jeager.”

you moved to step back— for nothing, since you were pinned against a wall– eren lifted his head with a sigh. levi was eying the pair of you with an irritated expression— though it wasn’t much different than his usual expression so you couldn’t gauge how much trouble you were actually in.

“untangle yourselves please and let’s go.” his tone was evident that he wasn’t actually asking.

you put your hand on eren’s chest, moving to push him away. his eyes were back on you, freezing you in place, “we aren’t finished with this…”

“eren—“

“i know, i know. just… ride close to me, okay?”

your heart fluttered slightly, feeling heat in your cheeks. you smiled to yourself, despite knowing that everything fought against the two of you.

“okay…”

you edged your horse forward, closing the gap between you and jean. “connie! get back in line you dumbass—“ armin’s protest was ignored as connie squished himself between you and jean, to which eren nudged closer, eyes sharp.

“i’m sensing some tension, gang.”

you rolled your eyes and clicked your tongue, urging your horse forward further. “mainly in the sexual sense—“ you muttered a curse, refusing to turn and acknowledge connie’s smug smile or eren’s murderous expression.

“connie,” jean breathed out slowly, clearly spiraling at the thought of dealing with this, “get back in line. we’re not meant to break formation for anything. captain levi will have your head if you aren’t—“

“abnormal!”

you shifted hard in your saddle, turning sharply and nearly crashing into eren’s horse as you reversed. you were one of the strongest rider with the fastest horse so your job was always spreading the word down the line.

eren watched you anxiously, eyes momentarily faltering away from the enemy. you cursed as his horse ran him directly into a tree branch and he nearly tumbled off the back. you grabbed the hood of his cloak and cursed, “eren—“ his horse scooted out from underneath him, tucked his tail and galloped for home.

“what the hell is with you today?”

you shifted awkwardly as he scrambled on behind you the rest of the way, arms around your stomach. you would have sworn he did it on purpose—

“i’m sorry.”

not good enough.

“eren!”

“i’m sorry! i don’t know…”

you groaned in frustration and spun your horse back around, pushing it forward back to levi’s line.

“there’s three!”

you barely heard connie over the wind against your ears and your horse’s heavy breathing and pounding footsteps. you cursed, digging your heels further into your mare’s sides.

“why is jeager with you—“

levi’s eyes were sharp, already noting something was wrong before you had even approached.

“abnormals…”

levi narrowed his eyes and leaned forward, pushing his horse faster, “wonderful.”

you cursed as you shifted your weight from jean to connie, nearly crying out as you tried to take a step.

“easy! hey—“

“where’s eren?”

“i think you should be more worried about you—“

“armin!”

armin’s eyes widened on you, quickly throwing the reins over his horse’s neck and rushing towards you.

“what—“

“where’s eren?”

“he— mikasa– he’s with mikasa and the captain— what happened?”

“i almost got eaten. eren, he—“

“that’s why he turned… i heard the scream and— mikasa vanished… i saw jean carrying you and—“

“i should have stayed—“

“eren is fine. you would have been trampled in that outbreak…”

“he—“

“get her to the medics! let’s go!”

“armin, i’m fine! i want to—“

you sat on your bed, glaring at jean and connie who had taken it upon themselves to guard you and forbid you from leaving.

“sorry, armin’s orders. you aren’t to leave.”

“jean,” you huffed, “i’m—“

“don’t say you’re fine. you sprained your ankle and you’re damn lucky your foot didn’t get ripped off.”

you huffed, crossing your arms and pouting pathetically. connie opened his mouth with a smug, smartass smirk but whatever he was going to say died as a door slammed into him. your door flew open, eren, wide eyed and disheveled, looked around with a wild expression.

you breathed in slowly, “i’m fine, eren.”

“where did you go?” his tone made connie and jean flinch. “i had you on my shoulder and— i didn’t know what— did you– did i drop you? are you— are—“

“she’s fine… connie caught her and we carried her back—“

“you—“ eren’s hands shook and you shifted to stand.

“no.” three voices snapped at you at once and you glared, “stay there.” you leaned back with a sigh, letting your head fall back against the pillow.

“i was more worried about you—“

“she’s fine. if anything, you saved her.”

“i’m— i just… i saw my mom and—“

“jean, connie, you can go.”

“are you—“

“get out, jean.”

jean flinched and connie pulled him for the door before it escalated again. you glanced at eren and said nothing. you just watched, blinking once.

eren was running his hands through his hair, breathing out shakily. you watched him intently, pulse rising slightly, watching the early signs of him slipping again.

“eren.”

his eyes flashed to you, pinning you in place, stare burning— he was starting to spiral. he was starting to slip. his hands shook, held in a tight fist while his other hand ran through his hair, tangling in the hairtie that held part of it back.

“eren, i’m okay.”

“no.”

“eren.”

“no,” he said your name again and his voice softened slightly, “you almost got ripped to pieces. your leg was in that titans mouth! you could have—“

“you saved me.”

there was still titan blood on your shirt. and you didn’t have the heart to tell eren that some of it was yours… your leg was bandaged tight enough to hurt, though the sting and ache still carried over every other thought.

“your ankle is broken. seems like i did a pretty shitty job of saving you.”

you shifted again and eren’s eyes flashed to you. this time they were full of worry and guilt. he eyed you softly, almost sadly, “i thought i was going to lose you…”

“you didn’t.”

“but if i had, i—“

“stop…”

you shifted once more, moving to make room on your bed. eren hesitated momentarily, eyes widened slightly, hesitant—

“you are awfully worried for a friend.”

your voice was playful, but as soon as you said it you regretted it. eren’s eyes were back on you, that darkness sinking in again.

“a friend?”

the edge to his voice returned—

you breathed in deeply, deciding to bait it instead of back down and try to soothe him.

“isn’t that what you said?”

“you know damn well what i said earlier.”

“remind me… i did just go through something traumatic. memory loss is common.”

eren’s eyes flashed, stepping closer to you, teeth gritted. he realized you were taunting him. you were playing with him and he didn’t hate it— you wanted him to say it again. you wanted to hear it all from him… eren’s mouth twitched, savoring how smug you looked, thinking you had control.

eren put his palm on the mattress and leaned in, “if you want to do this now, you can’t be shocked and back out when you get all of me…”

a chill washed down your spine, goosebumps appearing along your entire body.

“i warned you… i told you— i begged you- not to do this. not to love me… not to stay anywhere near me. i warned you— i told you what would happen— what will happen…”

“i don’t care.”

now it was eren’s turn to eye you with wide eyes, saying nothing.

“i know what it all means. i know what will happen…”

“you—“

“i have loved you since the first time i jumped between you and those soldiers. when i argued with jean and connie to trust you… when i stood against an entire room— every superior officer— and i swore that you were good. that you were…”

eren had shifted slightly, hand gentle against the bandage around your ankle, “i’m sorry. i’m sorry for all of it. that things aren’t different… that i— that you were dragged into this…”

“eren. it doesn’t matter. when i first came to you i didn’t know what i was doing… i expected you to stare at me with that irritated glare and tell me to get some sleep. i convinced myself it was just going to be once… that it was nothing and i could realize that i was never…”

“never, what?”

“in love with you.”

“say it again…”

“you already know, eren.”

“i want to hear it again… please.”

you closed your eyes and slowed your breathing, “i’m in love with you… despite everything. despite knowing how it ends…”

“you know what you’ll go through… for loving me…”

“i know.”

he breathed out your name, shifting to lower himself beside you, “i don’t want to hurt you. i don’t want you to go through losing anyone else… can you still say it with confidence? that you love me? that you won’t resent me when i leave you?”

“it’s too late for that now.”

“no, it’s not— you can kick me out. you can—“

“no, eren.”

“you—“

“it’s only you. if that means i lose you in just over a year… if that means i lose you tomorrow. i would have had you sooner. i would have loved you this entire time if you had just let me… the hookups, the nights where it almost felt real… you claimed me. you got jealous and said i was yours, so why— this entire time—“

“i don’t want to leave you.”

your breath caught, suddenly feeling all the questions and fight evaporate in your chest. you said nothing— you had nothing to say to that. your eyes met his, the room seeming to shrink. this entire time, he had loved you. he had fought it, argued against it, convincing himself it was easier to love from a distance. to keep it casual. to spare feelings…

“i just want to love you…”

eren flinched, shifting back to his feet and taking a step back. his eyes flashed to you, paler, cheeks flushed, breathing heavier.

“can i please? just… just let me love you. in whatever time we have left… before—“

eren was kissing you, then. both hands on your face, pushing you back against your pillows, shifting until he was on top of you. his hands slid to your jaw, grip tightening just slightly. your breath caught, head spinning slightly as he kissed you with all the force he could muster— shaking slightly as he held himself back.

his hand gripped your hand, sliding it up over your head as he pushed you further into the mattress. you followed with your other hand, nearly losing it as his hand closed around both of your wrists. his other hand traced your jaw, thumb tracing down your throat before his hand rested against it, closing just slightly.

you let out a shaky gasp, closing your eyes as his mouth found yours again. as you chased him to keep up, his mouth moved to your throat, “you’re mine.” you nodded, breathless. “do you hear me?”

you nodded again, unable to manage much else between his grip and the way he was on your mouth again like he was starved.

he had finally broken. that tidal wave crashed down, the dam he had built all for the sake of protecting you and keeping you from getting too close— shattered as he kissed you with everything in him.

the kisses weren’t gentle. his hold on you wasn’t light— it was rough, desperate— like just this moment could make up for everything he had wasted. recover all the days— years he had been fighting it.

“eren—“

his name in a near whimper almost had him losing his mind but he pulled back enough just to look at you, “is it your ankle? am i hurting you?”

you placed your hand over his on your throat and pressed down gently. you shook your head, reassuring him that he wasn’t—

“i love you.”

his eyes softened for a moment, though his possessive and hungry grip didn’t waver, “i love you too. i always have and it drives me fucking crazy…”

another kiss, messy and needy.

his hair fell in your face, your fingers tangling through, messing up the way he had pulled it out of his face.

“i love you…” he whispered against the edge of your collarbone, trailing up your throat, to your ear, “but this makes it harder.”

your fist tightened on the fabric of his shirt, keeping yourself tethered to him, “i don’t care—“

truthfully, with his hands on you, his mouth on your throat and his waist between your legs, you didn’t care about anything—

“i love you…” and eren kept saying it, repeating it, mumbling your name against your ear, “which is why i have to do it… to keep you safe.”

zoro had fallen asleep long before you had. he was slumped over with his head on your shoulder, snoring like he couldn’t possibly be more comfortable. he shifted slightly in his sleep, muttering to himself and draping an arm over you. you glanced down at him and smiled to yourself before returning your glance to robin and the notebook beneath her thumb.

“if he ever knew someone else saw him like this, he would deny it.”

you fought back a smirk, relishing in the way the renown demon was so soft and care free around you. how you had ever landed with him, you still didn’t know, but robin was even more amused by it than sanji— who was sure to tease zoro about it endlessly. you turned your attention back to the pages in front of you, rubbing your eyes tiredly.

“you can get some sleep… i do appreciate your help.”

robin glanced up at you, smiling tiredly.

“i’m okay… you shouldn’t have to translate this by yourself… besides, if i wake up, he wakes up. and he’s…”

robin eyed you softly, shaking her head slightly, “we wouldn’t want the swordsman crankier than he already is…”

you opened your mouth to respond when a noise cut through the air. something musical and haunting— a horn?

“what the hell is that?”

as you said it, zoro stirred beside you, face scrunched up like he was in pain. “zoro?” as soon as his movement started, it was over. he settled back against your shoulder, muttering something you didn’t quite catch before he was in a dead sleep once again.

you woke up, slumped in the same spot, awkwardly folded into zoro’s lap, bent at an angle that was already killing your neck and lower back. it was later than you usually slep and the quietness of the ship was very off.

“we have a problem.”

robin had returned, looking like she had either been up for hours or not slept at all. you moved to stand to your feet but there was still a weight slumped against you.

“zoro.” you bounced your shoulder, trying to nudge him into consciousness, “zoro—“

zoro woke with a groan, sitting up faster than he usually would. he glanced around the room and his eyes widened. he was jumping to his feet, hand on his sword.

you moved to follow him, about to ask what was wrong before he drew his blade, “where am i?”

“right…”

robin sighed, holding her hands out in submission, “it appears that a few of our crew have lost their memory…”

“what?”

zoro was eyeing you like he couldn’t figure out if you were a friend or foe. his grip was tight on his sword, eyes sharp, jaw set.

“where am i?”

“zoro…” your voice shook slightly, tone gentle and unsteady.

“who are you?”

oh.

robin sent you a sympathetic look as his words hit you and sank like a stone in your stomach.

“you lost your memory, swordsman… we are not a threat to you…”

zoro’s eyes flashed, landing on you again. there was a flicker of familiarity there. his expression almost softened, but he turned his attention back to the door, “where am i? i was on a marine base and—“

“we got you out of there, zoro—“ you cut yourself off, stomach twisting at the familiarity that he wouldn’t know, “you’re on your ship… with your crew.”

“my crew? i—“

the door to the study opened and sanji met your gaze, wide eyed, “oh, excuse me—“ his eyes lit up slightly as he took you in, “apologies, madam… i didn’t know there was anyone in here— would you mind telling me what’s going on? i don’t seem to remember where i am…”

you fought the urge to start crying— none of your friends knew where they were. your boyfriend didn’t recognize you… the room started spinning slightly just as there was a scream from outside.

sanji was already moving, zoro pushed past you with swords drawn.

usopp and nami were cowering in the corner, chopper was crying behind a stack of crates and luffy was just talking to them excitedly— likely making it worse.

heads all turned to you as the group joined in the middle of the ship. there was raised voices, arguments broke out instantly and you cursed under your breath. zoro stood coiled, ready for a fight and you fought the urge to put your hand on his chest to steady him. you would always reach for him— in tension, it anxiety, in excitement… now that you couldn’t you wrapped your arms around yourself, shrinking slightly.

“are you alright? are you cold?”

sanji had not lost his charm with his memory, at least…

“i’m—“ you reached for zoro’s jacket before remembering that it wasn’t there— he had it tied around his waist, no longer draped over you, “thank you… i’m okay.”

robin once again explained where they were and what had happened. zoro and sanji were arguing already, while luffy couldn’t get past the captain part; now enthusiastically parading around his ship with wide eyes.

“so we’re a pirate crew?”

zoro looked to you and your stomach sank.

“aren’t you a pirate hunter?”

zoro turned to sanji with a sharp expression, “i never actually gave myself that title. it was more of a source of income… had to make a living somehow, right?”

sanji clicked his tongue, unimpressed, “have you ever considered finding a real livelihood? earning an honest wage… doing something respectful.”

“and what do you do, eyebrows?”

you shifted to ready to move between them— when they were friends you didn’t have to worry about them actually killing each other… but now—

“i’m a cook.”

zoro snorted and you sighed.

“i’ll have you know, i don’t think there’s any greater honor that preparing people’s food…” sanji’s eyes shifted to you, expression softening, pulling his best flirting expression, “aside from maybe caring for and being loved by a woman…”

you shifted uncomfortably, stopping yourself from glancing at zoro. he would jump in and shove sanji away from you after growling a threat.

“i’m sorry. that your swordsman doesn’t remember you… i know that hurts.” robin eyed you gently, as you curled your knees to your chest.

zoro had announced that he was going for a walk hours ago and you hadn’t seen him since. you should have stopped him or gone with him— but you had no right to… he didn’t remember that you always went with him. that he never went anywhere without you…

you were half asleep when a hand on your shoulder startled you awake. sanji was eyeing you softly, “i’m sorry… about earlier… i don’t— i wish i could remember. i’m sorry if i…”

“it’s alright, sanji… you didn’t do anything.”

“where’s um… sword guy?” luffy had crashed into the room, mouth full of something sanji had made.

robin glanced to you sadly and opened her mouth to speak. just as a horn blew again—

you instinctively put your hands over your ears and cursed, jumping to your feet, “he’s back—“

“memory guy!” luffy launched off the balcony, diving for the top of the ship. sanji followed behind him and your stomach twisted as they held a boy by the collar.

“give them back!”

the boy giggled maniacally and kicked at luffy, causing him to be dropped into the water. you moved to dive after him, but sanji threw his arm around you to stop you, “let me—“

luffy was already streaking across the island by the time you had gotten off the ship.

you cursed as you were smacked in the face by branches or vines for the tenth time. luffy was trekking ahead, letting branches fly backwards without regard for anyone behind him. sanji stepped between you and luffy and eyed you apologetically, “does he always have this little regard for others?” sanji put a hand up to keep the branches from whacking you. you smiled to yourself, “luffy is good… he cares too much about others. but when his mind is made up on something he has no room or regard for anything else…”

you stopped short at the sound of a sword being drawn and a grunt. you nearly ran right into his chest as he was still stumbling blindly through the taller brush.

zoro.

“hey,” he sounded dazed, quite similar to when he first woke up– “are you alright? i was looking for you.”

“you were looking for me?” you echoed it stupidly, looking up at him hopefully.

“aren’t you the one that wandered off?”

zoro’s eyes shifted to sanji, sharper and dangerous. “you’re standing entirely too close to her.”

oh.

your zoro didn’t get jealous. your zoro had gotten past the idiotic being threatened by sanji.

“you….” you closed your mouth but stepped closer to zoro. he stepped between you and sanji, too tense to be normal.

“zoro… what’s—“

sanji scoffed and ducked past him, continuing to push plants aside. he held his arm up while you ducked underneath and zoro snapped.

“listen, curly brows.”

you flinched. sanji spun around, meeting zoro suddenly just as fiercely and worked up. you missed the yellow glow in his irises. you missed the way zoro’s jaw tensed like he was fighting through pain just before he drew his sword.

“stop—“

you threw your arms out as they swung for each other, sword meeting foot. you cursed as luffy started laughing. nami huffed, usopp shrieked and you were relieved chopper had stayed on the merry.

“you don’t even know why you’re fighting! sanji—“

you tried to jump in front of zoro but he only ducked slightly and threw you behind him with a grunt. he was unreachable— almost as if…

“the horn.”

robin had turned slowly, eyes on the small body of water near by. the others took off towards the bubbles under the surface, while you wrestled your way between sanji and zoro.

“i’m not taking your girlfriend, mosshead! but if she finally sees what’s right in front of her, well–”

sanji stumbled out of the way of a lunge, gritting his teeth in irritation.

“you’ve always wanted her! your doe eyes at her! your constant flirting—“

“zoro, stop!” you threw yourself in front of him and that’s when you finally noticed— his eyes. they glowed golden.

“this isn’t right…” zoro had paused to look at you, chest heaving, teeth gritted against the rage boiling inside him.

“sanji, look at me.”

sanji, thrilled to be told to do anything by you, turned to you enthusiastically. his irises glowed just as bright— as sanji turned and let his guard down, zoro raised his sword. you shoved your hip out, lifted your elbow and sent zoro tumbling off the edge of the grass and into the water.

sanji, momentarily eying you with heart eyes, snorted. he doubled over in laughter and you huffed. zoro came up sputtering, now even more infuriated.

“you—“

you eyed him sharply and clarity seemed to strike him. he came up with something between his fist, jaw clenched.

“give them back.”

he said it calmly, but there was nothing calm or peaceful about his demeanor. chills broke out along your arms as luffy moved to dive in with zoro–

sanji caught him, muttering something about being hopeless.

“what the hell is that?”

robin stepped forward, arms crossed, “i do believe that is the memory thief… he was just using the boy as a pawn.”

zoro tightened his grip slightly, to which the– creature— started squirming and making noises that you assumed where meant to be words.

“zoro—“

you jumped into the water without a second thought, to which sanji shrieked and followed behind you. zoro gritted his teeth at sanji following behind you and his momentary distraction gave the creature its escape. it dove under the water again before tearing across the dry land— luffy, nami and usopp chased after it.

zoro and sanji were at it again— wrestling in the water, trying to dunk each other beneath the water.

“would you two please–“

a stray foot struck the side of your jaw and you cursed. zoro and sanji froze, suddenly wide eyed—

“look what you did!”

zoro lunged forward with his hands on sanji’s throat, “you kicked her in the face!”

sanji shoved zoro off of him and rushed towards you, who was crossly storming across the grass now.

“i’m so sorry— i’m so sorry— i didn’t mean— please forgive me, mademoiselle, i— i’ll never forgive myself, i—“

zoro had tackled sanji again as yet another horn sounded. they both froze, sanji’s foot against zoro’s chest, zoro’s sword to sanji’s throat—

their eyes cleared. they blinked, as if waking up suddenly.

“are you okay?”

zoro pushed sanji backwards into the water and crossed to you, eyes soft. his gaze locked on you like he was memorizing all of you, “what happened, are— are you alright? where are we?”

“zoro…”

you breathed out in relief. whatever luffy had done to that seahorse thing, it had worked…

“yeah?” zoro’s arms wrapped around you, sword tucking back into its sheath.

you shook your head, “i missed you…”

pathetic, really— someone who was hazardously independent had longed for the comfort of her boyfriend in only a twelve hour lapse.

“i’m… was i gone?”

you just shook your head and let your face fall against the crook of his neck. his hand came to rest agsinst your shoulder, pulling you closer.

“did i get lost again?”

you almost laughed, “yeah…” because the truth would make zoro hate himself. to forget something so important went against everything he was. every vow and dedication he had ever made to you, “just for a little bit…”

“first lieutenant.”

you stood to your feet, shrugging off the exhaustion that clung to you like a wet blanket, “captain.” levi regarded you with a stiff nod and you tried to ignore the circles under his eyes that had gotten even darker.

“we have orders to ride out tonight.”

your breath caught but you didn’t let any hesitation or anxiety show, “we? our squad?” you knew better than to ask where you were going, or to even question at all–

levi rubbed his face and exhaled slowly, “no. just us. too great a risk to draw attention with large numbers…”

oh.

“right, captain. what do i need?”

“only what you can carry… we’ll travel light. meet me in the stables in an hour… say your goodbyes.”

your stomach dropped and knotted uncomfortably, “yes, sir.” you fought the rising of your pulse and the nausea roaring in the pit of your stomach.

levi had been human once; despite what people say and whisper. even as everyone called him humanity’s strongest soldier, a monster, cold, callous and immune to feelings— he hadn’t always been so hardened. he was made that way, broken down, pushed, driven until he couldn’t let himself be ruled by emotion. he was still levi. this you knew– behind the uniform and the permanently exhausted eyes and the looks that could command and silence entire squadrons without a word.

“why the hell are you doing this?”

levi had growled then, as he nearly beat you bloody. you lifted a fist to block that he countered– “i told you,” you kicked out and nearly throw him off balance, “i’m going with you.” you never beat him in a fight. you were never better than him or as strong as him… but you followed right behind him. in training, in rank, in life…

“attachment to me will get you killed.”

“worrying about me will distract you.”

levi had never let softness show— not to others, not in front of his squadron, certainly not in situations of conflict or in front of superior officers. but he was always there. he had always been there. he nearly begged you not to follow him into training. you had argued you would be safest with him and he had nearly screamed that he couldn’t guarantee you would be safe, that he couldn’t always protect you.

graduation came, with levi at the top of the class and you right behind him. you fought harder than you needed to, you hit harder than you should have. but you made it. respected and feared for your rank and your past with their captain.

levi was already standing in the stables, his head resting against the forehead of his black stallion. his hand was up against his neck, striking his mane tiredly. you could see his lips moving and your chest tightened with how gentle he was with his horse. your expression softened, pausing to just watch him before announcing yourself. you savored the quiet— the flicker of a gentler man that you knew was still fighting.

“you can come in. you aren’t interrupting a serious conversation.”

your mouth twitched up, noting the way he didn’t try to hide his softness towards his mount. he shifted his head off his horse slightly to take you in. “are you ready?”

“yes, sir.”

levi regarded you tiredly, glancing around once, “there’s no one here,” he breathed your name sleepily, “there’s no need for that.”

“levi.”

you said it softly, like you weren’t sure you were allowed to. levi closed his eyes slightly, like he was savoring the sound of his own name. he regarded you with a softness, slowly crossing the stables to you, “you know what i’m going to say.”

“i don’t need you to protect me…”

but he would. he always would… with everything in him.

“we may not come back here… have you said your goodbyes?”

he stood close enough that you could wrap your arms around him without taking a step forward. you nodded, eyes on him, looking into his own like only you were brave enough to do.

“there’s no one here for me.”

nothing.

you belonged with levi. whatever life threw at you…

levi looked like he wanted to scold you- knowing what you were implying by your words, your tone. he knew it was pointless. you are as stubborn as he was and twice as loyal. he had once yelled at you when you went rushing through a crowd of titans just to get to him. you were like a damn stray, he had screamed– too stupid and attached to know better than to leave. he had been terrified to lose you, though with him that came out as anger. fear couldn’t exist. caring more about you than himself couldn’t exist…

yet—

levi was silent most of the ride. it was the thing you could never quite bear with him… the footsteps of your horses echoed through the trees like an omen. too quiet. too still…

“we will make it as far as we can before nightfall.”

“make camp. i can keep watch…”

you nodded, though your thoughts were elsewhere. the leaves in the trees seemed to move unnaturally— as if they were waving goodbye or ushering you into a fate you always feared.

“what is it that you aren’t saying.”

he never said things as a question. he stated them, like he knew what you were thinking and he knew you were keeping it from him.

“do you think we’ll come back from this?”

“the end is in sight, i think. i have no intention of losing you now…”

your stomach gave a small twist in protest of levi breaking his rule of pretending not to care.

“and after the war?”

levi slowed his horse slightly to match yours, turning to look at you fully. his tired eyes settled on you like he was trying to solve a puzzle. like he wasn’t quite sure he followed…

“what will we do then? just… go on. like it never happened? like… friends didn’t die… we weren’t forced to see monstrosities every day…”

levi looked away from you, like he hadn’t even considered that. an after. a life without death and fighting and barely surviving.

“i don’t know.”

oh.

“do you still want that cabin by the lake?”

his words struck you so suddenly and sank so deep you nearly fell off your horse.

“i—“

you had mentioned that once. over ten years ago, when you were still naive and young enough to hope. in a world that was different where you hadn’t become a soldier before you ever had your first kiss.

“the cabin… in the woods, by the lake.”

“i know.”

levi hesitated, eyebrows furrowing slightly, “i didn’t mean to offend you… i didn’t think—“

“why do you remember that?”

your voice was dangerously close to shaking. you were dangerously close to slipping up. all because of a stupid dream you had had when you were twelve.

levi looked at you again, eyebrow raised as if he was confused by the question. you just looked at him, hoping your expression didn’t reflect all that you were feeling.

“i remember everything you say…”

and then suddenly there he was again. that boy from your childhood with the dark eyes and small smirk that could never be convincingly annoyed with you. the levi that would sneak pastries from baker carts and shyly bring you a handful of half dead wild flowers– weeds, really– while rolling his eyes when you made a big deal of it.

“levi—”

you shifted awake in alarm, eyes wide as you momentarily forgot your surroundings. levi’s eyes were already on you– they likely had been before you even woke up, just assuring himself your chest was still rising and falling and you were sleeping soundly.

“i’m here.”

his finger twitched as he fought the urge to get off his log and go to you. you had been shifting and muttering to yourself and levi ignored the twisting in his stomach that you were the first person he called for in fear—

your eyes dropped his gaze in embarrassment, shifting to your feet to poke at the fire and add more sticks. “i can take over…”

“no.”

levi didn’t sleep when it came to watches. especially if you were involved, he barely blinked, never looking away long enough to risk you disappearing.

you eyed him with a look that would have had an entire squadron trembling. levi just looked back with the same tired, unbothered stare.

“fine, then.” you paused by the tied horses to scratch their foreheads before joining levi on his rock, “i’ll sit with you.”

levi shifted slightly, looking away from you and turning his attention back to the fire, “okay.”

you wrapped your arms around yourself and curled your knees closer to your chest. even though he was looking anywhere but you, levi noticed. he stood to his feet and shrugged his jacket off. you turned to look at him as he was draping it over your shoulders. he said nothing, though his eyes met yours for a moment and softened. there was a softness behind the hard edges and exhaustion, a small glimmer of that faraway childhood.

“thank you.”

he just nodded, sitting beside you again, this time closer. his knee brushed against yours, shoulder to shoulder to provide some warmth. you shivered slightly, fighting the urge to sink into that warmth and familiarity against your side.

“you can sleep. i’ve got you.”

levi shifted just slightly and your head was on his shoulder. you shifted your head again to see he was already looking at you. he was so close your breath caught. his eyes reflected the fire, somehow making the dark circles under his eyes more prominent. his eyes dropped briefly to your lips and you opened your mouth to say something.

say your goodbyes.

you had only ever cared about losing one person… and he was here. now, with only you. how could you possibly ever say goodbye to him?

you shifted just slightly, watching levi do the same. your nose brushed against his, breath mingling as your eyes fluttered closed. there was a slow, sharp inhale like it hurt. the warmth against you disappeared as quickly as it was there. levi pulled away like you had stung him.

you flinched, scrambling to catch your breath as if you were suddenly falling. slightly dazed, you opened your eyes again to find him looking at you like he was about to scold a cadet.

“levi—“

“did you almost just do something stupid?”

you blinked. his words hit you like a bullet.

“i—“

“i’m going to walk the perimeter.”

levi stood up and the small distance between you leapt to a canyon. you watched him go with a tugging in your stomach, longing to just follow him. to grab him and finally close that gap…

“i’m sorry…”

you whispered it to no one. to yourself maybe— to levi, who had made as much space between you as possible.

you didn’t see the way levi had looked at you. the way he had almost leaned in. the way he was shaking to stop himself from doing so… his fist was clenched under his gloves as he pulled away, jaw clenched as he stood up and forced himself to walk away from the only thing that mattered to him.

the sun was just thinking about rising when your pillow started moving. “up, woman.” there was a groggy, yet almost amused tone. you squinted, lifting your head slightly and glancing around cluelessly. levi was looking down at you with furrowed eyebrows. he rolled his eyes slightly when you finally opened your eyes and met his stare. there was a flicker of amusement as his mouth twitched, “good morning, then. you sleep like the dead. it’s a marvel you ever wake up in time for anything…”

you realized, much later than you should have, that your pillow was levi’s leg and that you had no memory of falling asleep so close to him— on him.

“we should get going.”

you sat up, still groggy and slightly disoriented and wondering how you hand ended up using your captain as a pillow. and why he hadn’t shoved you off with an irritated grunt.

perhaps he should have. but as he watched you shift in your sleep and curl up around yourself like you were in pain— or perhaps cold— he couldn’t just sit there. goddamn him, he could never just sit there. he had joined up to protect you and that was still his priority. he shifted beside you with a shaking hand on your shoulder. you stilled in your sleep, muttering softer, shifting closer to the source of the comforting touch.

“levi?”

“i’m here. you can go back to sleep. i’ve got you.”

your head fell against his shoulder and your arm draped around his own. you reminded levi remarkably like a cat— one of the strays he would throw scraps to when he knew no one was looking— curled up against him, not shifting again. like the cats, he would look out for you while he could, taking care of you, hoping it would be enough for just one more day. unlike the cats, he had let himself get attached…

you had fallen— melted, really— from his shoulder to his lap, sinking into him like he was all the comfort you would ever need. his chest ached as his hand shook, fighting to reach out and comfort you. to hold you, pull you closer—

“we’d better go.”

levi brushed himself off as he stood to his feet, eyes once again towards where he was heading and not on you. they tended to linger when they were on you… distracting. dangerous.

he mounted his horse and didn’t bother waiting for you, though he glanced back once to assure you were following. he had not taken his cloak back from you and if he was cold he was never going to say it. it was long enough to cover your legs and part of your horse’s hindquarters. he would much rather have himself be cold than you.

you fell into motion with the movement of your horse, feeling your leg muscles slowly start to protest as the sun rose higher into the sky. you shifted in your saddle, wincing slightly as your seat bones began to feel numb. pulling your horse up besides levi, you pulled out an apple from your saddle bag. he eyed you, silently protesting. you pushed it towards him again with raised eyebrows, almost scolding.

levi looked at you with that same bored expression but took the apple without a remark. you fought back a smile as he ate it, knowing he was hungry but was going to save all the food for you.

“are you going to tell me where we’re going?”

“i quite like that you just follow me across country blindly.”

and you would. without question, you had.

“that’s my job, captain..”

levi glanced at you with a hint of amusement, “and if it wasn’t your job, lieutenant?”

you nudged your horse forward so he walked ahead of levi. so you didn’t have to look at him.

“you know the answer to that.”

because it had always been between you. unspoken and deep rooted— clawing its way through you no matter how much you shoved it down. it seemed to get stronger, more desperate— more dangerous, sometimes so strong that it hurt.

levi had saved his apple core and fed it to his horse when he dismounted hours later. there was still daylight left but he had muttered something about time schedules and better safe than sorry. you suspected he had wanted to give his horse a break and likely give you a break since he had kept glancing over with a sharp expression each time you shifted in the saddle or winced.

“stretch your legs.”

levi took your horse, sticking his elbow out slightly for her to rub her forehead against. your heart did a small somersault at his softness towards the horses as his gaze remained the same.

“is that an order, captain?”

but just standing felt so much better already. your legs shook slightly, feeling like jelly.

“it’s a request.”

you quirked your lip up and he almost did the same. every crack in his emotionless armor feeling like the small, nearly nonexistent hints of sunlight in the underground. flickers of hope. the smallest, tiniest fragments of a good future.

you nudged him slightly as you brushed past him. his hand closed on your elbow and you flinched, looking up at him.

“don’t go too far…”

another way of levi showing those cracks. that he did, despite everything and himself, still care.

“captain…”

all the titles and years of showing no signs of being close to each other had made using just his name feel wrong. forbidden and against every rule you had been drilled on.

levi eyed you, eyebrow lifted.

“levi.”

he seemed to relax just slightly, mouth twitching slightly, “yes, first lieutenant?” he sounded amused— scolding you for using his rank and title and then doing the same thing.

you almost laughed— something that seemed even more wrong in this world— eyeing him with a softness that he would never be used to.

“you should sleep.”

levi always looked exhausted. permanent dark circles under his dark eyes and pale complexion. he eyed you like you had done something stupid before shifting slightly and attending to the fire, “i’m fine.”

you reached for his hand gently, stopping him from poking at the fire further, “levi…” it was that tone you used when no one else was around. the cautious, gentle scold when he was close to pushing himself too far once again. he eyed you, sharp and almost hesitant.

“i don’t take orders from you—“

you held a hand up, “levi.” it was the tone only you would ever get away with using on him. there was a flicker of something in his eyes— irritation, certainly- but also something deeper. that recognition and acceptance that you were still looking out for him. still caring.

“are you positive you will be alright?”

you eyed him with a tired, slightly exasperated glance. you had, remarkably, survived nights without him. nights where you were the highest rank and kept watch over an entire troop…

“only an hour… wake me up at the first sign of anything.”

“get to sleep, levi…”

you watched him shoot you a final indignant glare before shifting slightly and slumping back against the tree. a small part of you longed for him to rest against you like you had him— to show that small, casual display of affection. to make that move towards you and not only allow you to pass out against him. levi still looked stiff and on high alert as he closed his eyes but a deep sigh told you he was trying.

“don’t wander.”

he peered at you with one sharp eye, somehow still giving you orders while falling asleep. he did eventually fall asleep— or at least looked very convincing while faking– and almost looked peaceful. his color returned slightly the longer he slept and you let more than just his promised hour pass. you knew he would scold you and likely give you a full lecture, but he looked so peaceful. the firefight flickered gently, reflecting his sharp features that had been worn entirely too much for twenty odd years.

you had nearly made it to thirty— something neither of you would have ever bet on. the image of an older levi popped into your head and your stomach twisted. grey hairs dotting his rich black— the very beginnings of wrinkles that would never be from smiles… a future. a future where maybe he would eventually smile— he would rest. he finally feel safe enough to let go…

there was a ring on his finger in the vision suddenly and you were hit with such a strong wave of nausea that you lurched forward. something in your chest broke— your stomach twisted as your hands started shaking. you curled up against yourself, suddenly unable to breathe. your heart was racing, breaths unable to come fully— your vision danced as you gasped for air in short bursts.

there was movement behind you and you were barely aware of the hand on your shoulder.

“breathe,” levi said your name and the ache seemed to worsen. he was kneeling then, eyes level with you in a worried expression that betrayed his usual collection. “breathe.” his tone was sharper— desperate to pull you out of whatever this was. you closed your eyes tightly, feeling tears stinging in your eyes against the sudden panic that wouldn’t release its hold.

“look at me.”

you nearly collapsed into him with the weight of it. you gasped for air, reaching for your chest as if you could manually make your lungs work.

“look at me, goddamn it.”

your forced your chin to lift— eyes shut against the waves that threatened to drown you.

“now. open your fucking eyes.”

you did, nearly startled at his sudden closeness. levi was inches from you- closer than even the time you had almost kissed him— he said your name then and your breathing slowed.

“are you with me?”

you nodded, leaning forward until your head was almost against his chest. his hands were on your shoulders still; grip firm and tight enough to ground you. to keep your focus on him.

“what the hell was that?”

you just shook your head, screwing your eyes shut once again. levi got mean when he got scared- his tone would get sharper, his words even more blunt.

“did you fall asleep? was this another nightmare?”

he didn’t seem angry— he had beaten scouts bloody for falling asleep on watch, reminding them to never let sleep win over keeping the squadron safe. but he wasn’t angry now…

he was worried.

you would have almost preferred getting yelled at. that ache returned, slamming into you like a brick wall. you cursed and reached for your chest once again, demanding that your body listen to you—

“are you hurt?”

levi had shifted closer, hands now on your arm and side, searching for any sign of injury. heat spread through you and you stumbled backwards, ripping away from him.

“i’m sorry—“

levi stood with you, eyebrows furrowed, dark eyes wide; searching you like he couldn’t understand what was happening. he followed you again, “i need you to tell me what the fuck is going on.” his voice shook slightly and you realized he was scared— that something was very wrong with you and he couldn’t figure out what—

“i’m okay… i’m sorry— i—“

levi had his hand in your forehead— so suddenly that you nearly flinched. his eyebrows were furrowed, expression pale, eyes darting back and forth along your face, searching for the problem. he placed his thumb below your eye gently, slowly pulling it down to search for signs of a head injury. you closed your hand around his wrist and he froze, eyes darting to meet yours, “sit down.”

“i’m fine, levi—“

“sit your ass down now or i’ll write you up. that’s an order.”

goddamn him.

he knelt down in front of you once again, following you as you sat. his eyes stayed locked on you as you forced your breaths to stay calm.

“there you go…” his own voice began to steady, keeping his hold on you securely. he was still knelt in front of you, hands on both arms, keeping you grounded, almost holding you like he was the one worried. “breathe,” he said your name again and you looked up at him.

once again levi was entirely too close. dangerously close, once again lighting that unspoken thing between you. his eyes drifted over your face like he was assuring you were alright once more. he shifted his glance over the trees and straightened slightly, “i am going to go clean up in that ravine.” you followed his gaze over your shoulder. “come with me. i want you close.”

he stood, pausing to hold his arm out steadily for you to pull yourself up with. you trailed behind him, still feeling slightly dizzy, still feeling that your heart beat was still not as steady as it should have been.

“i thought the panic attacks stopped.”

levi didn’t stop to glance at you as he unbuttoned his shirt and shrugged it off his shoulders. his words caught you off guard but their weight seemed to dissipate as you took his his bare back and your eyes followed the curves of his shoulders.

levi glanced over his shoulder to catch you staring and his mouth twitched up. your face flushed and you threw your gaze to your feet. levi smirked to himself, choosing for once not to say anything. his chest constricted slightly and that ugly longing he had known returned. it twisted in his stomach, crawling up and expanding in his chest before trying to claw itself out of his throat.

“come over here.”

your heart leapt, red cheeks suddenly flushing even more. you shrugged off your jacket and boots and trailed behind him, suddenly shy and awkward. levi glanced at you, one eyebrow raised. you realized with even more of a blush that his pants had been discarded on the ground and he was deep enough in the water now that you had no idea if he had anything on at all.

“are you embarrassed of me, lieutenant?”

you straightened your shoulders, trying not to shrink under his intense stare. “no, sir.”

“after everything you’ve seen, you’re suddenly squeamish shen it comes to nudity?”

you nearly choked on your breath. you had seen entire squadrons bathe in bodies of water. sometimes stripping frantically in the middle of camp to scrub their comrades dried blood off of them. you had no shame in it. you had nothing to be embarrassed by… but levi. it had never been casual with levi. levi, who had only ever let you see that interior. who allowed you past the cracks and the terrifying outward presence.

“do you remember when you got bit by that water snake?”

your body nearly recoiled on itself just at the memory. levi had stood guard while you bathed in the small body of water that night. he had ordered the entire scout troop to keep their backs turned upon the threat of death. he had heard you scream and gone diving in after you without even knowing what was waiting for him.

“are you cautioning me about going in too deep or asking me to warn you of any snakes?”

he had carried you out of that water and sucked the venom out of your ankle, all while still commanding an entire squadron to keep their backs turned. he had spat the venom out and draped his cloak over you then as if it had been nothing at all. the medic was ordered to tend to you once you were covered in someone else’s shirt and wrapped in his cloak.

“no… i’m remembering how you looked at me like i could make it all better. like i was the only one who could…”

your stomach twisted as you kept your eyes on his shoulders. he never looked at you when he spoke about things that were important. you had at first thought it was because he was embarrassed at the thought of being so worried and caring so much. you had come to realize that he couldn’t— because when he did he thought too little, he felt too much and he almost allowed himself to be swept up into all of it.

“i think that scares me more than anything.”

you had joined him in the water, keeping your undergarments on just so you could avoid feeling completely vulnerable to him. it was bad enough when he looked at you like that— but to really see you. to see you and know that one wrong move would complicate everything even more. it would be so easy…

“i don’t know if i can protect you anymore. days are coming when… if i’m not there— i won’t trust anyone else to do it.”

“levi—“ he was crossing that dangerous line again.

“i tried to get you reassigned. to be my first instead of…”

your chest ached.

“you’re too strong. of course others need you. selfishly, i…”

“levi. can you look at me?”

he didn’t at first. shoulders tight and tense, breaths coming in slow, deliberate drags. but he lifted his eyes and his dark eyes met yours, rooting him to the spot.

“it just appears that i need you too… i never used to think i needed anyone. but then you’re away for days… and i never know if you’ll come back— if your squadron can keep you protected if the absolute worst were to happen…”

you moved closer to him and he didn’t move away this time.

“i joined for you, you know. yes, i was forced to— but then i got thinking about it… a military captain. i could do something good… i could protect you and have it mean something. i could keep you safe and keep you close… i could get a ring and—“

you nearly slipped on a mossy rock and fell into him—

“if things were different. if you hadn’t followed me… i- if i didn’t have to worry about you more than i already did… if i could just know—“

“levi.”

you said his name like he needed to hear it. like he was drifting into his thoughts and slowly being pulled away once again— you crossed that final space between you and closed your hand over his. his eyes widened slightly but he didn’t pull away. tired eyes looked back at you and you saw everything reflected in them. fear, exhaustion. the weight of trying to carry everything and only letting you in when pushed…

“i’m right here.”

for a moment his gaze softened— his eyes drifted to your own again before dropping to your lips. for a moment it would all be worth it— a kiss that had waited for ages— a night that would express everything that had been buried and desperately trying to claw its way to the surface. that longing…

that love—

levi almost let himself lean in. he almost let himself crash into you with the desperation and hunger of a man who had no restraint or self control. like a man who had not been through hell just to keep breathing—

“i know.”

he stepped back just as he was about to lean in. the gesture felt like being pushed from a cliff. the foot he backed up may as well have been a cavern—

your knees shook slightly as you almost fell face first into the water after him. nausea washed through you again and you fought against the sudden urge to throw up. you scrubbed yourself aimlessly before trudging back onto the rocky shore. levi exhaled slowly, rubbing his face in frustration, cursing himself in every language he knew. the look on your face would be another to visit him in his restless sleep— that haunted, surprised, almost empty expression each time he got too close just to shut it down.

coward.

the word echoed in his head like a gun shot.

he debated dunking his head under the water just to quiet the taunting. just to silence the noise— with a final curse, he turned back to the shore and stormed back towards you. he wouldn’t even bother getting dressed— he would grab you by the back of the head and crash his lips against yours— he would pin your against a tree and apologize for how rough and rushed his kisses were. because he was starving— he was desperate and needy for you and he was sorry—

levi froze, eyes narrowing against the trees. he said your name slowly. his pants were already back on when he realized you must have headed back to the horses— he said your name again, louder— more desperate.

he could hear it already. the footsteps. the creaking of trees.

levi took off at a run— gritting his teeth against the voices that told him he was too slow. that he would be too late— horses broke through the trees, already near a gallop, straining their heads to escape the approaching abnormal. levi leapt and swung onto his horse, shifting forward as his horse increased speed. “good boy,” he muttered against his horse’s neck as he rubbed a single stroke against his mane. he looked over to you, so relieved he nearly laughed. your eyes were sharp, looking ahead with a cross expression.

“they won’t make it through that water— not before—“

trees were uprooted behind you as a scream filled the air. your horse snorted and jumped forward, while levi’s remained unshakable,

“get between me and the river. look for a shallow spot—“

the ground shook as the titan gained speed, eyes locked on the two of you like it was already celebrating its meal.

“take my horse.”

“levi—“

before you could argue, levi fired his odm gear and disappeared into the trees. the titan slowed momentarily, apparently mesmerized by levi. it turned its head, mouth gaping. you increased your speed and the titan followed. he stumbled slightly as he switched speed so quickly— hand outstretched entirely too close. you urged your mare forward, cursing to yourself, feeling your heart racing in your throat. a hand swiped as the titan dove onto its stomach.

you were hurled forward, over your horse’s shoulder. levi’s horse kept running, disappearing into the safety of the trees. nausea swept through you as pain struck your leg. the titan, once again rising to his feet had slowed to a walk. there was a short whirr through the air, a splatter of blood and the titan collapsed onto the ground. it didn’t move again as levi peered at you from the nape of the titan’s neck.

too slow. he had been too damn slow. but as he looked at you, his stomach twisted. he said your name— much more desperate than he had intended. he was running— sliding to his knees beside you. his hand was on your back. turning you to face him. there was a scrape on your cheek from where you had slid over the rocks, your leg was bent at an odd angle and tears streaked your face. levi fought a wave of nausea at seeing you hurt— his biggest fear, his only fear-

“my horse…” your voice shook, cracking as emotion took over.

levi lifted his head, realizing your tears weren’t for you. your brown mare’s sides heaved a few feet away. blood streaked the ground where she had skidded. her ribs were uneven, broken in a few places from the impact. her hind leg was bent at a sick angle, snapped in two beneath her.

you stumbled to your hands and knees and crawled to your mare, tears blurring your eyes. levi fought back a wave of emotion at seeing you like this— heartbroken, injured— crying more for your horse than yourself.

“you know what has to be done…”

he tried to sound gentle- he hoped he sounded apologetic.

your hand shook, closing around your revolver.

you couldn’t.

you had taken so many lives— titan and human. to hold a barrel against the pretty white markings of your faithful mare…

“she saved your life by throwing you.”

you tensed slightly, feeling a sudden wave of anger. he was being so insensitive— so real… always so real.

“if she hadn’t, you would be dead… she was hit right where you would have been sitting.”

nausea roared through you and you buried your face in her mane once more. your hand was shaking too much to pull the trigger— your closed your eyes and whispered apologies. her ears flicked towards you and you knew she was listening. her eyes were wide, breath labored against the pain.

levi put a hand on your wrist, lowering your hand. you looked up at him, wide eyed. “look away,” he said your name softly, this time comforting. you still just stared at him, mouth gaping with words that didn’t come.

“look away,” levi said your name again, this time firmer. it was the tone he used to give an order you never agreed with— one that he hated just as much and would live with forever…

you stood to your feet and closed your eyes, not bothering to fight the tears that fell. “go wait by cavalier.”

levi’s black stallion had returned, awaiting patiently by the treeline. his ears were flicked gently towards his rider and his fallen companion and you knew the stallion understood as well as you did. he nuzzled your shoulder gently as you buried your face against his mane and cried. the gunshot rang out like a cannon, making you flinch. your tears fell harder and suddenly you felt the weight of every loss in your life. levi’s chest was against your back then, hand on your bicep. there was something in his hand, you realized through the tears. he had cut a strand of your mare’s tail for you and that’s when you really lost it.

his arms were open before you brought yourself to even speak. you threw yourself against his chest and his arms closed around you like he had been waiting. he held you like a vice, squeezing tightly against the cries that shook you.

“i’m sorry…” levi rested his forehead against the top of your head, closing his own eyes against the sound of your heartache. “she saved you… she knew what she was doing… that horse was more loyal than half the men i see… she deserves better. i gave her what i could…”

you clung to levi so desperately that his chest hurt. this was the hold you would have on him when he returned injured. when you would refuse to leave his side and clung to him like you were terrified he would disappear. like he meant something— like he meant everything—

he was the only one that had ever made the pain go away. in every situation, he had forced you to keep going. sometimes dragging you, kicking and screaming into another day. this time he held you in silence, not offering any other words of comfort or praise for your beloved horse. you knew he was sorry. you knew he cared— but god, how thankful he was that it had been your horse and not you…

“i’m sorry…” levi finally spoke after what felt like an hour, “do what you need to do… but we’d better get moving again…” you lifted your head from his chest slowly, wiping at your eyes. it seemed pathetic, suddenly, to be crying over your horse but be so numb and immune to death—

“what will— i… we didn’t bring a spare horse…”

levi sent a sad glance towards your mare, “you’ll ride with me.” you glanced up at him, hand resting on his stallion’s mane, “i—“

“cavalier can handle it.”

levi mounted his horse and held his hand out to you, eyes softening as he took you in. you closed your hand around his and climbed on behind him. you shifted slightly, chest pressed against his back.

“hold onto me,” he spoke your name again, softer. reassuring. your arms wrapped around his waist and you closed your eyes. you let yourself melt against him, carried by the movement of the horse. for now this was good enough… for now you could hold him. you would hide your face against his back, letting the pain in your leg overtake the aching in your chest until you knew nothing else.

“wake up, first lieutenant…”

you shifted against something soft, face pressed into a pillow as you tried to understand your surroundings. “levi?”

“the captain isn’t here.”

you sat up, eyes widening slightly as you grasped to ground yourself, “gone?”

“yes, lieutenant… he should be back by tomorrow.”

“where is he?”

“the captain wouldn’t tell anyone. he took two men with him and left three days ago.”

“three days ago?”

“yes, lieutenant. you’ve been unconscious for four days… the captain came in with you at breakneck speed. his poor horse was exhausted, but he didn’t stop until you were taken by the medical team.”

nausea surged through you again as you moved to stand. you were draped in levi’s cape and a warmth spread through your chest. your leg was in a cast, you realized with a sickening drop of your stomach. you stared down at the offending leg with disgust.

“just a small dislocation… should be all healed up in no time…”

you sighed deeply, shifting to stand on shaking legs. you adjusted levi’s cloak tighter around yourself, “what are my orders?”

“captain instructed you to rest until he returns.”

you scoffed, smiling to yourself. of course he did…

“no other news, ma’am.”

“take me to the commander—“

the man saluted you and tensed slightly, wincing, “sorry, ma’am, but captain instructed me to make sure you don’t go looking for an assignment.”

your glare sharpened and he flinched, “and i am ordering you to—“

“apologies, ma’am. i take my orders from higher up.”

you muttered and sighed, feeling too tired to argue.

“captain said you are permitted to walk around if you are careful and you may check on his horse if you wanted to…”

his horse.

he had left cavalier here to recover…

you were half asleep with a book propped against your leg. the sun streamed through your window, much more comforting and misleading than the world outside. the words on the paper bled together and you had no recollection of what you were reading. the sun shifted outside and you closed your eyes.

your door opened sometime later and you flinched slightly, “you’d better have something important to say, or i’ll have you court martialed—“

“and here i thought you would be happy to see me…”

you opened your eyes to levi, who was smirking just slightly, hand still on the doorknob. you sat up instantly, so quickly your head spun.

“i take it that idiot didn’t tell you not to read.”

you glanced down at your book and lifted your eyebrows, “he said i was to rest and that i may have only the company of cavalier.”

levi smirked faintly, “you have a concussion. you’re not meant to strain your eyes… i will have a word with him.”

you shifted, just noticing the blood on his clothes. you stood to your feet and levi’s eyes softened. the exhaustion was suddenly more prominent— the composure he so meticulously kept faltered.

“i’m the only one who returned…”

your heart sank as you closed the gap between you. levi said nothing but you knew the look in his eye. the tiredness in his eyes, the strain on his face. the constant loss, the death that always surrounded him and followed him to every corner of the world. the way he forced himself to keep going. to shrug it off and carry the weight like a motivation instead of an anchor.

“i’m sorry…”

“i came back to you… that was all i—“

but then he was kissing you.

he was on you so suddenly and so strongly that you could have swore you slipped into a dream. his hand was on the back of your neck, dragging you into him. his other hand on your hip, grinding your hips against his with agonizing deliverance. your lips parted as his hand slid through your hair, tugging slightly before tightening his hold at the side of the base of your throat. you breathed out shakily, desperate and already slipping.

you had waited— you had longed for this— for him. it would always have been him. it would only have been him… you let your head fall back as levi all but devoured you. there was a precision in the way he kissed you— like he was savoring it, memorizing you— learning you. noting all the ways to earn a small, needy sigh. his thumb stroked against the side of your jaw, squeezing just slightly until you were putty against him. your mouth moved against his, shifting as he directed, groaning as he bared into you with all the messy yearning he had been burying.

“stay right here…”

his fingers tangled through your hair, breath shaky.

“i’m going go clean up…”

but you weren’t letting him go. so many years of almost— not quite— so agonizingly close just to never reach— your hand tightened against his shoulder blades. you gritted your teeth before deepening the kiss, daring to let your hand slide up his hair. it earned a shaky sigh as that meticulous, militarian control started to slip.

he would never get into bed without being clean. he would never scatter his clothes about on the floor—

“i’m going to take care of you first…”

you unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt and his breath caught. you placed a slow, deliberate kiss against his chest as his head fell forward onto your shoulder.

“stop…” but he said your name like a plea, breath shaking, arms trembling slightly as he reached to cup your face. “look at me.”

you lifted your face from his chest, prying your mouth off his skin. he tasted clean. the faintest hint of sweat— blood appearing to only get on his clothes and the faintest bit on his cheek and forehead.

your eyes met his timidly. his expression nearly broke you as he took you in. he shifted just slightly, once again tilting his head back to meet your lips.

“i love you.”

he didn’t pull away. the kiss deepened, pulling away only to inhale slowly. you closed your eyes against him, feeling the waves inside you begin to rage. to wash over you threatening to drown you. you would let them— you would let yourself drown in him…

finally.

a tidal wave crashed over you as he finally pulled away, still pinning you between him and the mattress. his breath was steady and controlled, though it shook slightly. you curved up into him, eyes tight against the feel of him—

finally.

it would only ever have been him—

he buried his face in the crook of your neck, hair falling against your shoulder, “i’ve always loved you… i would rather love you now than keep pretending i don’t… to spend whatever time we have… we could have—“

you shifted just enough to make him look at you. his eyes were dark— glossy, hungry with something you hadn’t seen from him.

“i know. you’re here now… we’re here now— even after everything…”

levi kissed you once more, eyes fluttering shut like he was convincing himself this was real. that you were real. that you were still here. that you were his…

“i’ll make it up to you…”

“you don’t need to do anything—“

“let me show you…”

“levi.”

your hand brushed through his hair, he looked at you through heavy eyelids and a dark expression.

“just let me take care of you for once…”

you shifted cautiously until you were straddling him. hands gentle as you traced his scars, wiped the blood from his chin, brushed his blood crusted hair from his eyes, “please…”

levi had closed his eyes against your touch, though his eyes snapped opened at your plea. he looked at you through heavy lids, “do your worst to me…”

it had been a stupid plan.

it sounded genius at the time; as steve explained it so enthusiastically, looking so proud of himself. you hadn’t bothered arguing; though the longer you sat and pondered it— and anticipated it— the worse it sounded. there was too many variables. there was too much at stake. there was not nearly enough time.

wait for a planet to crash into your world and just hope to god— and whatever other fate the universe held– that it lined up and wouldn’t crush you or flatten the tower. better yet to have everyone on top of it at once, instead of sending one unfortunate sacrifice to see if it worked, and then have the others climb up after.

not enough time, everyone swore at that idea. not enough time to climb the tower but enough time to risk everyone getting taken out at once…

“you’re muttering…”

you were also pacing. but you stopped doing both and turned your head to the familiar, comforting voice. mike was watching you softly, the smallest hint of amusement on his lips. you inclined your head, shifting closer to him as he lifted an arm to tuck you against him.

“hey,” mike kissed your temple, shifting you slightly so he stood behind you, arms around you, keeping you secure between he and the guard rail, “you okay?”

you almost nodded; then settled on shrugging.

“hey, it’s going to be okay…”

“mike.” you sighed and let your head fall back against him, “you always say that…”

“and i’ve been right so far, haven’t i?”

“mike…”

mike said your name in the same tone you had said his, “i’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

“okay, but it isn’t just me, is it?”

he just said your name again, softer, almost pleading.

“what about max? and eddie? and…”

mike spun you quick enough to cut you off, kissing you before you could attempt to argue— you wouldn’t have– and you melted into him like wax on a candle.

mike hummed against your lips, not stupid enough to vocalize his smugness at how quickly you melted into him and how you didn’t bother arguing at all. he moved to pull away but you grabbed him desperately and pulled him back against you.

“okay, lovebirds!” steve sounded amused as he whistled, “time to go.”

you let your head fall back into mike as his hands held you against him in an unspoken, possible last hug.

“it’s going to be okay. i’m right here with you…”

that’s what you were worried about.

you glanced back at mike anxiously, hands on the ladder, shaking slightly. “i’ll be right behind you. i won’t let you fall…” he stepped closer and kissed your forehead, pausing just for a moment as if savoring this. like it could be your last quiet moment together…

robin had nudged you playfully as she started climbing up, after jonathan, “hope no one’s afraid of heights.” you laughed nervously, trying to keep the nausea twisting in your stomach from coming out your mouth.

your knees shook slightly as you took in the view. you could see most of hawkins from up here and it might have been peaceful if not for the menacing, angry red sky that threatened to crack apart. mike stepped behind you, hands on either side of you, pulling you from your daze. he gave you a small smile, one that didn’t carry to his eyes, one that didn’t quite hide his anxiety.

you put your hand to the walkie, squeezing tighter than you needed to to stop your shaking, “hop… do you copy? we’re ready…”

“i copy, kid… you keep yourselves safe up there.”

“copy… don’t let el wear herself out…”

the walkie buzzed as the signal fell just as the tower groaned. you gasped and instinctively latched onto mike. mike’s arms were around you instantly, shushing you gently, “we’re okay… i’ve got you. we’re okay…”

you breathed out shakily, nodding as you steadied your breathing.

“that’s moving…. fast…”

the anxiety in robin’s voice wasn’t missed by you— the slight shake in her words. it was moving fast. too fast… then as suddenly as it started, it stopped. you hand was still in mike’s gripping his fingers tight enough to bruise.

“el’s got him…” steve was behind you suddenly and you felt yourself relax slightly. “be ready…”

you exhaled deeply, glancing around and meeting the anxious but anticipating expression of dustin, “let’s end this…”

movement started again, slower this time, easy and controlled— going as planned. you instinctively ducked, wincing at the steady approach. mike’s hands tightened on the back of your arms as he kept you securely between him and the guard rail.

“hopper—“ steve had grabbed the walkie from you, voice laced with warning, “it’s going to fast!”

static was the only response.

your heart dropped as you clung onto the railing and mike clung on to you.

“it’s going to hit…”

dustin’s voice shook, though you barely heard him through the roaring in your ears.

“get down!”

just as steve yelled it, the top of the tower screeched and the world shook. there was the sickening crash and groan of metal breaking as the top of the tower broke and went tumbling down—

you screamed as it collapsed against the railing, knocking the tower into an unsteady tilt. the railing was gone, and where mike’s arms had been, there was nothing—

robin was screaming your name, mike’s terrified yell echoed in your head—

and you were falling.

you barely screamed before there was an arm around you, shaking slightly, groaning with the effort of catching you with one hand.

steve.

of course it was steve…

“i got you. i’ve got you, it’s okay…”

mike was there again as quickly as he disappeared. his arms were around you, breathing in shakily as he pulled you into him. you hadn’t even had time to be scared. you had barely screamed before you realized what was happening.

“you’re okay…. hey— hey, you’re okay…”

but mike’s voice shook too much to be believable. he glanced to steve in a silent thank you, eyes still glossy. robin knelt beside you, nearly hysterical and in tears as he pulled you in.

“hey…. hey,” you weren’t sure if she was reassuring you, or herself, “it’s okay…”

but when she moved her hand away from your side, there was blood. and the world seemed to slow.

“oh,” you breathed it out like you couldn’t quite believe it. you almost laughed, really— to think you had almost fallen to your death only to be caught and now be bleeding…

the world slowly started to tilt as pain ripped through your side, adrenaline wearing off and pointing out that something was obviously very wrong.

you could hear panicked voices and you tried to focus on mike. tears stung your eyes as you gritted your teeth against the pain, squeezing his hand hard enough to bruise.

“look at me, okay?”

you nodded, though even that seemed to make pain explode in your side. you moved to look down at your side and mike shifted in front of you, lifting your entwined hands so you would focus on that. he shook his head slightly, trying to smile despite the evident panic in his eyes, “you’re going to be okay…. alright? it’s nothing. it’s nothing, okay?”

you nodded, closing your eyes against the pain.

steve was talking again, patting the side of your face enough to almost sting, “stay with us, buckley.”

“steve, we need to move—“

the brief argument faded as you tried to only focus on mike’s hand and how warm it was.

“i’m sorry…”

an apology from mike brought you back.

he sounded so guilty and so scared…

“you didn’t do anything—“

but his hold on your hand tightened as you were picked up. pain roared through you, protesting, igniting worse than even before. you couldn’t stop the scream that moved through you whatever was lodged in your side shifted and dug in deeper.

mike had tears in his eyes when you forced yourself to focus on him. blackness swam at the edge of your vision as steve tried to say something to you. your vision darkened, pain took over and you fought back a whimper.

“you’re okay… you’re alright, we’re gonna get you— hey…”

you heard a frantic yell and the panicked cries of your sister before you saw nothing else.

a slow, repetitive beep slowly pulled you from sleep. you shifted faintly and moved to itch the dull pain in your arm. you groaned as a hand closed around your own, “don’t pull that out, you need it.” you recognized steve’s voice immediately and opened your eyes wide. you were in a hospital and only steve was there.

you remembered the tower– you remembered mike keeping it together for you…

“steve?”

his expression softened but he look exhausted, “of course you wake up when i finally convince wheeler and robin to leave and get some sleep…”

“where is mike? is everyone okay?”

“your boyfriend is fine… he’s been an absolute pain the ass, driving everyone insane…”

you smiled to yourself but winced as pain hit you again. steve frowned for a moment when he noticed your pain but shifted closer, “you scared the shit out of us… collapsing like that when we were nowhere near a hospital…”

you frowned, “i didn’t mean to.”

steve squeezed your hand again, “hey, i’m kidding… we’re glad you’re okay… that’s all that matters. we didn’t want to lose anyone else.”

“anyone else?”

you sat up too quickly and winced, “steve…”

for a moment you thought of eddie and almost max—

“we all made it… we’re all okay.”

you almost laughed with relief, settling back against the hospital bed. steve set the walkie against your stomach with a soft expression, “they’ve been waiting… i doubt they actually got any sleep and i wouldn’t be surprised if wheeler is still in that waiting room…”

you pressed your thumb down on the button with a small smile, “wheeler… do you copy?”

the response was instant— a shaky inhale, followed by your name. unsure, disbelieving, unsteady…

there was no other response but not even a minute later, there was running outside your door, in the hallway. steve muttered something under his breath and sighed, rubbing his face in exasperation.

mike and robin both stood in the doorway, wide eyed and tearful, disbelieving and smiling.

“you’re awake…”

they nearly tripped over each other as they crashed through the doorway.

“you scared the shit out of us–“ robin pulled you into a hug, face buried against the top of your head. you breathed out shakily, closing your eyes against her familiar hold.

mike just eyed you softly, hesitant, worried—

“i’m really glad you’re okay… i didn’t know if…”

you reached for his hand and mike shifted closer to you, “i’m okay… i’m sorry for scaring you…”

mike kissed your head, breathing out slowly, “i love you.” he leaned in and kissed your forehead and you closed your eyes.

“is everyone okay? is holly— what about vecna? he—“

“vecna’s dead. holly is safe… everyone’s okay…”

a bubble above you seemed to pop—

“it’s over.”

“it’s over….”

you could have cried— tears spilled from the corner of your eyes and you leaned forward, burying your face in mike’s chest. his arms wrapped around you, kissing the top your head and resting his chin on you.

—

—

“do you intend on ever paying your tab?”

you slid another beer to shanks, tilting your head slightly. shanks looked up at you innocently, eyebrows lifted slightly at your scolding tone. there was a twitch of his mouth as he smirked faintly. shanks adjusted his hat, angling it so you could see his eyes. he gave you a small, amused smirk and you knew you were done for.

“do you ever intend on making me?”

his crew all stopped, conversation falling silent in the bar as the dare floated between you. you put your hands on your hips, shifting your stance slightly, narrowing your eyes. the room swelled with tension— the kind that never dwindled itself out— and shanks’ smirk only grew. he was enjoying the scolding. he was enjoying the tension…

“i should make you work it off.”

you finally spoke after the erratic beating of your heart echoed in your own head. shanks only smirked all the more at that before bringing the beer to his lips again and taking a sip. he regarded you once, expression unreadable, as if he wasn’t just high on the thought of you yelling at him.

“you probably should…”

you turned around again, expression challenging.

“maybe i will.”

“you should... you should make me clean this entire floor, it’s filthy. you should actually make me do anything you want. the dirty jobs. the ones you can’t quite reach yourself…”

the way he said it had your stomach twisting. your vision nearly blurred at how suddenly your pulse spiked at his words. somewhere behind you a glass was dropped and shattered on the floor, but everyone else and the bar itself had already been forgotten.

shanks stood up and you fought the urge to step backwards and steady yourself on the counter.

shanks eyed you, head tilted slightly as he did, “do you have any idea how you’re looking at me right now?”

“like i want to hit you?”

“not quite, sweetheart…”

there was that smirk again. smug. satisfied. so sure he had the upper hand.

you could just kiss that look off his face.

right in front of his crew.

but that would only boost his ego—

“shanks.”

his smirk didn’t budge- eyes locked on you like he would very much enjoy whatever happened next.

“get out.”

his gaze dropped to your hand on his chest and remarkably, his smirk deepened. his eyes burned with something dangerous and you forced yourself to stay standing. he took a step back, hands held up in surrender as if he was completely innocent.

“if that’s what you wish…”

you narrowed your eyes again in a sharp look that would have had anyone else stumbling over apologies and scrambling to the exit.

“is this your way of cutting me off?”

shanks stumbled slightly as your fists closed around the front of his shirt. his eyes were wild with the anticipation of what was coming— taking you in like a starving man finally seeing food.

“this is your way of paying your tab.”

shanks let out a shaky laugh as his arm hooked around your waist and drew you in against him, “i always intend to pay…”

you hummed against his lips, shutting him up with a kiss that broke apart the tension like an explosion. always. each time he came back and you found yourself tangled around him, devouring each other like no time at all— yet also a lifetime— had passed.

“and yet you never have—“ you paused to take your lips off his but shanks chased after you, trying to nip playfully.

you lifted your eyebrows in a scold and he just grinned innocently, “this way is so much more fun…”

you hummed disapprovingly but didn’t stop him from kissing you again— or from slowly pulling you down into the sand on top of him.

the beach was empty— likely something shanks had guaranteed upon the promise of death. the cloak that usually draped his shoulders and covered his missing arm was under you, saving you from the sand against bare skin. shanks hovered over you slightly, tracing kisses against your temple and down your cheek before settling against your lips. gently at first, then firmer, deepening into something delicate and hungry- a silent promise that he would always come back.

“i’ll miss you…”

you closed your eyes as shanks sat up slightly, taking your hand in his and kissing your knuckles. he tucked his fingers between yours and wiggled them slightly, watching the way your hands moved together as one.

“i’ll be back before you know it.”

“am i not allowed to miss you?”

“i suppose there’s no one i would rather have missing me…”

you shifted to sit up, tilting your head at him slightly, smiling at the very rare occasion he actually said something romantic and not smug or cocky. you glanced him over, admiring the view from where you were seated— which was mostly just his bare chest and abdomen. he had shifted back into his trousers and was eyeing you with a playful smirk, “you should see the way you’re looking at me now…”

your cheeks flushed only slightly and you huffed, “shut up, you insufferable, red haired bastard…”

shanks lit up even further, as if you insulting him was the greatest thing he could ever hope for. he leaned in for another kiss, his thumb and pointer finger tentative against your jawline. you leaned in and he was eyeing you softly— it was a look that could almost be love…

“i should hope it’s not another entire month before i see my captain again?”

“oh, now it’s your captain? only a few seconds ago you were calling me an insufferable red haired bastard.”

your mouth twitched into a smile, “both can be true at once.”

“i should be back in two weeks…”

“will be.”

shanks’ expression softened, slumping slightly in defeat, “i will be.”

“it’s luffy’s birthday…”

“i would never forget.”

“he’s going to ask to come with…”

shanks shifted so you were leaning back against his chest. he sighed, letting his arm drape over your stomach, “i know…” he placed a kiss on your bare shoulder and your head fell back against his shoulder, closing your eyes.

“what will you say to him?”

“the same thing i say to you…” another kiss against your other shoulder, “behave.”

you smacked his thigh and shanks cursed with a laugh, massaging his now bruised limb, “easy! be kind to me, love… i just gave you the best form of payment i have.”

you smacked him again and this time he didn’t stop laughing until you kissed him again.

“i will be back soon… stay safe. please take care of luffy for me…”

“always.”

“take care of yourself.”

“don’t get in too much trouble…”

“oh, but what’s the fun in that?”

you eyed him incredulously, scolding but adoring at the same time, “just come back to me, then...”

shanks’ playful expression faded into a soft promise, eyes on you intensely like a vow, “always.”

shanks turned just as a smaller form latched onto his waist, hugging him like it would keep him there forever. “are you sure i can’t come with you? i’ve been practicing! i think i could even win a fight now!”

you glanced at shanks with a sparkling adoration, unsure of how he managed to say no to luffy about anything. “now, luffy-“ shanks squatted, hands on luffy’s shoulder as he knelt to meet him at eye level, “i have no doubt you could. but i need you here. you’ve got to keep things running while i’m gone, alright? help out makino… keep an eye on my girl for me… and please behave for her…”

your heart skipped erratically once again at that— as if he hadn’t claimed you in multiple other ways and made it known that you were off limits— to be claimed so openly despite never settling on any sort of relationship…

luffy just nodded, blinking away tears before shanks noticed. but he always did. and you knew he hated leaving almost as much as he looked forward to coming back.

with a final wink to you and a ruffle of luffy’s hair, he boarded his ship and set off.

two weeks passed and you woke luffy up with a gentle shake. his bright eyes found yours and he was jumping out of bed and rushing out the door before you could scold him for getting dressed the rest of the way.

“shanks!! is he back?!”

no.

and you had been nearly as excited as luffy when the two week mark hit.

and then passed with no sign of him.

“do you…” luffy looked up at you with wide, glossy eyes, “do you think something happened to him?”

“no, luffy…”

it couldn’t have because he promised to come back to you. and shanks always kept his promises.

“but— he said he would be here for my birthday, right?”

“he’ll be here.”

but his birthday was tomorrow. and tomorrow came and your stomach started twisting with anxiety.

“happy birthday, luffy!”

you had spent entirely too much time on the cake. luffy would eat it in thirty seconds no matter what it looked like but it gave your shaking hands something to do.

he was late.

shanks had never once been late in the year you had known him…

luffy hugged your waist before digging into his cake that was decimated before you could even try saving a piece for yourself. luffy left one piece aside, however— pushing it towards you with a soft expression.

“that’s for shanks. when he shows up…”

your stomach twisted, heart sinking slightly.

something had to have been wrong.

something had to have happened to him if…

“he’s here!!”

you were jumping to your feet nearly as fast as luffy, ignoring the amused smirk from makino as you and luffy ran across the beach. the red force was not even docked yet and you had to stop luffy from running out into water. you grabbed the back of his shirt with a scolding expression you didn’t mean. he grinned up at you innocently, squinting up into the sun.

the moment you saw him your heart swelled— but you knew something was wrong. shanks held his ribs, walking with a slight limp as he approached. the obvious pain he was in did not stop him from smiling when he saw the two of you. his tense expression melted into something soft and adoring.

“i’m sorry i’m late… happy birthday, luffy.”

you raised an accusing eyebrow at him and he eyed you questioningly, “what is it?” shanks knew you were going to scold him and he would look forward to it.

luffy nearly knocked him off balance with the hug and shanks grunted slightly, wincing as luffy squeezed him.

“you’re hurt.”

shanks sighed, looking at you with a soft smile. he still wasn’t used to someone caring so much, “it’s nothing.”

“you have blood on your shirt…”

“it’s only mine. and only a little…”

you narrowed your eyes and shanks was grinning down at you like a fiend, “it’s good to see you.” he was smiling so softly at you that coming back to you injured could almost be forgiven.

“luffy saved you a piece of cake.”

that was truly the highest compliment he could have gotten from the boy.

shanks ate his cake, thanking luffy for saving it for him and complimenting how good it was more times than he needed to, just to compensate for making you worry. he told luffy of his adventure while you looked after his injury properly.

“you got stabbed?”

to luffy, that was the coolest thing ever.

to you, it was too close of a call.

“what happened?” you weren’t sure you wanted to know as you threaded the stitches through his side,

“it was nothing…”

shanks was giving you that same small smile, eyes softer than a pirate should be capable of. you only sighed, tying him off and nudging his boot with your own. shanks stood up and you began wrapping his side. your knuckles brushed against the skin along his ribs and shanks tilted his head towards you slightly. your eyes met his and time seemed to slow. luffy was still somewhere in the house, likely preparing his next saga of questions. but luffy didn’t stop shanks from kissing you. he lowered his head slightly, brushing his lips against yours with that soft smile. his hand settled on your waist and you struggled to tie his bandages securely before he was pulling you closer.

“shanks…” you pulled away just slightly, grinning. you inclined your head just slightly, towards luffy’s room.

“i think that everyone on this island has seen me kiss you, love… i don’t think that’s anything terribly shocking.”

your heart gave a small flip and you let him pull you in again. “you really should stop letting in so many strays…” you had made dinner for the crew, though most of them had moved to party’s bar once the food and booze ran out.

shanks still held you against him, eyeing you like you were the only thing in the world. he lowered his head to kiss you again and you hummed, “i don’t know…” you pulled away again as his mouth lowered to your neck, “i think i like finding strays…”

“mm,” shanks chided playfully as he kissed your collarbone, “i’d bet you would…”

your arms slid around his neck, fingers tentatively sliding through his hair, “they always seem to come back to me…”

shanks was half listening as he moved to your neck, kisses slowly turning into something else as his hand shifted to your lower back, “likely because you feed them…”

you lifted an eyebrow in exasperation, “and because i give them a place to sleep?”

shanks let out another hum and you felt him smirk against your skin, “everyone knows you should have never let a pirate into your bed, love.”

you laughed shakily, “he was charming…”

shanks had shifted you slightly, lips brushing across your collarbone, to your opposite shoulder, “they’ll be no getting rid of him now…”

and you didn’t want to. even as the times between visits became longer. even as two weeks turned into a month…. even when missing shanks turned into an ache in your stomach like hunger pains. kisses with shanks never remained just kisses. he was incapable of letting something remain so innocent and meaningless—

which is why luffy had followed the crew and makino to party’s bar and neither of you had noticed…

another quiet goodbye would follow three days of shanks following you around like a stray, fixing things that you hadn’t gotten to yet and climbing into your bed each night like he knew he belonged there. he always left you in the quiet hours of the morning, kissing you much softer than usual and promising to come back to you. his goodbyes were always so opposite his hellos— rushed and desperate, crashing into you like he was afraid you wouldn’t be there when he came back. his goodbyes were always a soft promise— a vow to return after reminding you— and himself— just how much he kept his promises.

you dragged yourself out of bed to find luffy raiding the fridge. you were groggy and your limbs felt heavier than usual. you struggled to wipe the sleep from you as you eyed luffy with raised eyebrows, “what is that?”

“cookies!”

you sighed, “for breakfast?”

“of course… i think shanks would let me have cookies for breakfast.”

you ruffled his hair and he eyed you with red cheeks, “shanks also thinks alcohol is a meal… and if he were here he would tell you to eat healthy so you grow big and strong.”

“he would let me eat cookies for breakfast… but then you would yell at him and he would tell me to listen to you.””

you eyed him with a soft smile, suppressing a laugh, “shanks is a smart man.”

you started on a real breakfast while luffy stood beside you, helping you crack eggs and stirring batter in the pan. he always made a mess in your kitchen and you never complained. he filled the empty quiet with laughter and never ending questions. he would trail behind you and sit with you on the beach, fidgeting while you read to him or showed him different plants or types of fish. now that he was older, he entertained himself better, building ships and forts out of spare wood and old bedding— but was still never wandering too far.

“have you heard from him?”

you glanced up from the laundry, watching luffy skip stones across the ocean. “nothing yet…” you fluffed the clothes and tucked them into the basket. “i wish it was just two weeks again…”

your stomach twisted slightly, feeling a twinge of sadness, “so do i. he’ll be back soon, though.”

“it’s been a month already… do you think i’ll ever be able to go with him?”

“i hope you do, luffy. i think he would be very lucky to have you on his crew…”

“maybe i’ll be my own captain one day… find my own crew. would you come with me?”

you had thought about it. leaving windmill village and finding a new life… but you were not made for the sea. instability, always moving around… but seeing the world…

“maybe… maybe some day.”

or maybe you would stay here forever. waiting. being the lighthouse for a red haired captain…

one month passed before you finally received a letter. luffy came crashing through the bar, tripping over chairs and disrupting customers as he waved the letter above his head proudly.

“it’s from shanks!!”

you stopped wiping down the counter and spun around, looking nearly as enthusiastic as luffy. you took it from him, immediately recognizing shanks’ messy handwriting, trying to find where it had come from— where he was. the rag you had been using fell limply to your side as you forgot everything else around you.

makino sighed, “go read your letter. hell knows you’ll get nothing else done until you do…”

“three months.”

the words hit you like an arrow to the chest. your stomach twisted, heart sinking harder than it should have. you hadn’t ever named it anything. shanks was in no way yours— he belonged to the world, to the sea. he always came back— checked in, made your head spin and nearly forget your own name before leaving once again. but he was never yours. there was no label, nothing spoken, nothing obligating him to keep coming back… nothing that ever made him only yours. exclusively yours.

“how many days until shanks is back?”

“fourty five.”

“a month.”

“three weeks.”

“ten days.”

“three days.”

the morning shanks was set to return, luffy was standing on the beach before the sun was up. you called him in for breakfast but he just waited. eyes on the horizon, feet slowly sinking in the sand as he looked for the first sign of sails.

you brought breakfast to him—

then lunch.

he hadn’t moved by the time you brought your clean laundry in, but he had shifted to sitting in the sand, rather than standing. he looked more defeated than this morning, but his bright eyes were still on the horizon.

“he’ll be here.”

luffy looked up at you, reassured and smiling again. you were never wrong— and shanks was never late.

“he may not come until later tonight… but he’ll be here.”

“will you wake me up when he gets here, if i’m asleep?”

you smiled softly, passing the smaller basket to luffy, who was clearly in need of a distraction, “i’m sure i will… unless it’s almost sunrise. then you can see him first thing in the morning.”

luffy pouted slightly, but deemed your agreement fair.

you stirred just slightly sometime long after midnight. there were arms wrapping around you and gentle lips against your temple as you were shifted against a warm chest. it was a dream, of course… in your dreams shanks always visited and never left— the familiar hands traced gentle circles against your arm and you almost swore you could feel his heartbeat against your cheek.

you startled awake, hand gripping onto the shirt fabric you were curled up against. not a dream.

he was back.

“shanks…”

“do you let anyone else crawl into your bed with you?” his tone was playful but there was the slightest edge.

“i thought this was a dream…” you pulled yourself from sleep the rest of the way and moved to sit up.

“am i often the subject of your dreams?”

“frequently. though dream shanks doesn’t ever leave.”

shanks hummed and you could hear his smile, “dream shanks is smarter than i am…” he tucked you closer to him, arms around you like a safety net. “i didn’t mean to wake you…”

shanks had no intention of waiting to be invited into your bed because he knew he would end up there anyway. long gone were the times he slept on the ship while he was docked here… you would have been disappointed and scolded him if he had waited until morning to find you.

“i missed you…”

shanks never said that as often as you did. though he always did and always showed it, he rarely remembered to voice it.

“i apologize for being so late… we got a bit off course in a storm and…”

you just kissed him in answer, shifting between his legs and dragging him closer. shanks exhaled slowly, content, letting his hands slide around you to keep you in place. he had been gone too long. far too long… and here you still were, shifting into his arms, pulling him against you with all the passion he had missed so much. the comfortable way you held him, your familiar scent, the way your lips always met his so eagerly— like he hadn’t dreamed you up or been forgotten by you.

“you always wait for me…”

shanks had dressed once again, just enough to not be caught by luffy if he came bursting in unannounced.

“i’m always here… if i’m going to be here, i may as well wait for you.”

“you could have moved on…”

you sat up slightly, pulling away, heart sinking.

“did you—“

don’t get jealous over a pirate who never stayed still.

“have you met more beautiful women on your journey?”

shanks sat up with you— quickly, almost frantic, “what?”

“i didn’t mean— it’s none of my business… i’m not— you’re free to do whatever you want, obviously.”

shanks shifted against the faint light of the candle, “you know i only have eyes for you… if there were any beautiful women where i was, i didn’t see them. and they wouldn’t have compared to you.”

your chest ached at his words and your vision danced slightly. there wasn’t others. shanks had never given any indication to be the sort to take multiple lovers to bed… but to hear it from him. so softly, without a moment’s hesitation… you opened your mouth to respond but you could think of nothing to say. not after that. not without sounding pathetic and lovesick…

shanks met your loss for words with another kiss, fingers gentle against your jaw, mouth soft against your own. the desperate hunger had faded but the passionate intensity made your head spin.

“shanks…”

he pulled away only slightly so you could speak, smiling against you as he caught his breath, “yes?”

“i love you…”

shanks pulled back slightly and your secret place of bliss shattered. your heart dropped, your stomach twisted as you realized what you said.

you were a goddamn fool.

pirates were not the sort for such deep, committing emotions.

shanks met your eyes, expression soft, hand caressing the side of your face. he stroked a strand of hair from your eyes and kissed you like he was scared you would crack against him. you melted into him, heart hammering as the anxiety and weight of your words sank down like a stone.

“i’m leaving again…”

oh.

oh…

“in two weeks…”

oh.

“you’re here for two weeks?”

you had to grasp on to the positive.

he didn’t say it back.

he was here with you for two weeks…

he didn’t need to say it back—

he kept coming back…

“yes. but when i leave again, i’ll be away for longer, i’m afraid…”

longer than three months?

“at least a year.”

you were standing before the full weight of his words settled against you. you hadn’t bothered covering yourself or wrapping a blanket around you as you blindly crossed the room.

“where are you going?”

you didn’t know.

“come back over here, please…”

you didn’t think you could.

his eyes were soft and sorrowful when you finally forced yourself to take him in. he was standing, hand outstretched just slightly like he was trying to soothe a feral dog.

“please come over here…”

you felt sick. your stomach twisted uncomfortably and you fought to stay standing. realistically shanks never could have stayed here… coming back so frequently couldn’t last if he was to ever see more of the world—

“i don’t want to leave you.”

but he always did. he always had to…

“when i return it will be different…”

you turned to look at him, incredulous, feeling tears threaten to fall.

“i will return. i promise you that…”

you shook your head, feeling that if you spoke, it would only come out as a pathetic sob. shanks eyed you so sadly you had to believe him… he always had his reasons. he was a pirate. he was a captain… he could never be chained to one place. he never was going to stay forever…

“okay…” you forced your words to come out, ignoring the way they shook and the way your voice cracked.

shanks eyed you, gaging your true feelings. knowing that you were not even close to okay… he was there, arms outstretched as you stumbled into him in tears, falling into his chest with barely enough energy to reach him before letting the tears fall.

he pulled you close, hand stroking the back of your head, shushing you gently as his kissed the top of your head. “it’s alright… it will be alright… i’m sorry. i’m sorry…”

you could have moved on. you realized he said it out of guilt. he had never intended for you to fall of him. he had never planned on finding a reason to return to this village so off course and out of the way… to find a little family. a solid home…

you fell into sleep eventually, curled up against him, latching on like you could keep him there just by that alone. shanks felt his heart ache, closing his eyes as he memorized the feel of you against him. the taste of you. the way you said his name… the way your arms were always open for him every time he came back to you… no matter how long it had been.

“i love you too.”

luffy trailed behind shanks every time he went anywhere— you watched from behind the bar counter as luffy sat among he and his crew, wide and bright eyed as he listed to their journey. you kept refilling drinks, accidentally ignoring the other customers. shanks slid a lazy hand around your waist as you leaned over him to replace the empty bottles. he kept his eyes on luffy, who was looking at shanks like he hung the moon— though his hand stayed on your side, thumb gentle, rubbing small circles just under your shirt.

the normalcy settled into your chest and wrapped around you like a coiled snake. shanks had stayed with you, rather than sleeping on the ship and luffy had become much too used to it. the three of you adjusted into a comfortable normalcy that was almost… familiar. shanks returned to doing whatever needed done— that luffy wasn’t quite big enough to do himself— like patch the roof and replace your shutter that squeaked every time there was a breeze.

shanks taught luffy more things while he was there, assuring himself that he could take care of you. you could take care of yourself and had done so just fine before him; but there was a guilt eating at him that he couldn’t get to go away no matter how much he helped out or how tightly he held you at night.

he would still be leaving. would any of this mean anything in the end, if it would be at least a year before he was back… luffy could be almost grown by then. likely a teenager at least— and you…

he couldn’t expect you to wait for him forever…

no matter how much his stomach twisted in protest, some things he just couldn’t stop...

you shifted in your sleep and shanks was pulled from his thoughts and his focus turned back to you. he held you as you shifted closer to him, muttering his name softly in your sleep. he smiled to himself, pulling you closer, holding you as tight as he could for as long as he had left.

you watched his ship sail away and closed your eyes. luffy was crying— he was trying to be big and brave like shanks said, hiding his face behind his arms. you put your arm around him and pulled him close, feeling him latch on to your waist in a hug. you savored the feeling of shanks’ last kiss. the one he had given you this morning, in front of his entire crew and the island that loved him.

your stomach twisted, the satisfied ache in your core becoming more obvious as you waved goodbye. the ache would fade. the marks along your collarbone, your neck and your thighs would fade all too soon. memories would keep you going, luffy would start tallying the days on his wall and you wouldn’t paint over them. you would miss shanks more each day, but the evidence of his presence would never leave.

and a month into your at least a year distance, you discovered something shanks hadn’t meant to leave behind.

you knew the signs before you let yourself even consider it. the nausea— you had thought was stress, the throwing up— you swore luffy had under baked the cookies, the missed period— you had been too busy to think about all of it at once.

“are you alright?” makino stepped into the small pub’s bathroom, latching the door behind her, “luffy said you’ve been—“

makino stopped, eyes dropping to your hand on your stomach and your tear stained eyes. realization struck her with a guilty, sad smile.

and you knew.

without a test. without any other doctor…

you knew with everything in you…

a year passed and shanks’ presence was only in the letters hung on the fridge— and the little red haired boy luffy was currently entertaining on the floor. you glanced away from the stove, pausing to watch luffy talking about the ocean and pirates and his favorite captain that would one day be back.

luffy understood before you had even told him. he knew what it meant suddenly— that shanks had never needed to come back to windmill village. but he always did. because of him. and you…

shanks had found a family and had accidentally created one of his own. luffy had run around the entire village the day the baby came. he announced loudly that he had a brother and you never once corrected him…

you had stopped looking for sails in the distance, you had stopped waiting for the familiar footsteps coming up the porch, but you looked down at the small tuff of red hair and brown eyes and took that as the promise. he would come back one day… and if he didn’t— shanks had given you a piece of him forever. but you wanted to tell him. you wanted to introduce him… you wanted him to watch his son grow up…

a year and a half since shanks left brought the six month mark since the birth of your son. luffy had enthusiastically made a cake, though you didn’t have the heart to tell him that babies couldn’t eat cake. makino brought over dinner and as you cut the cake, you heard laughter. it was the bright, joyous giggles of your son, laughing at something out the window. luffy looked up, cake slice crumpling in his hand as he jumped to his feet.

“he’s back...”

his words reverberated through your ribs, stopping you in your tracks as you straightened and scrambled for the window.

red and black sails.

the familiar ship against the ripple of the water.

“shanks…”

luffy laughed enthusiastically, barely getting the door open before he was running. you moved to clean up the kitchen— to tidy up—

makino grabbed your hand tightly, stopping you. your wide eyes met hers and her expression was soft, “go…” she released your hand and scooped up the still smiling baby, allowing you a moment to get your bearings and steady your racing mind.

you had had over a year for this…

to prepare for his return. to work out what to say… to greet him in a tear filled hug.

luffy had already reached him as your bare feet touched the sand. your pace slowed only slightly when shanks’ eyes landed on you. he looked tired. worn from his journey and time. wiser yet exactly the same... that same soft smile, those sparkling eyes, that kind expression that had always been safe.

shanks let go of luffy just in time to pull you into his chest. his arms were around you, clinging to you like he was afraid he would never hold you again—

“you’re back…”

“i promised you i would be.” his voice shook slightly, like he was still disbelieving he was back, “i would have come sooner… i wanted to come sooner—“

you kissed him and it held everything you had carried for the last year and a half. the grief, the loneliness, the changes—

“i love you too.”

you pulled away slightly, wide eyed and looking up at him like you imagined it.

“i should have said it sooner… i should have said a lot of things sooner… i have no intention of leaving things unsaid again… i wont leave you for another year. i want you to come with me… you and luffy.”

you might have collapsed in the sand if shanks hadn’t been holding you. your vision blurred as your grip on his bicep tightened. shanks lowered his head to kiss you again and you stepped back.

“you need to meet someone…”

your voice was so quiet you wondered if he even heard you at all. luffy— in his excitement and lack of social awareness— was speed walking down the beach from the house, holding a wriggling figure.

shanks glanced over your shoulder and his smile only faltered for a moment. his eyes narrowed, pulse leaping beneath your hand on his chest.

he looked at you, wide eyed. you fought a wave of nausea and anxiety twisting in your stomach and held your breath.

“is…”

shanks stepped closer to luffy, who was grinning like he was the proudest he had ever been. you could have planned it. you could have thought of what to say…

shanks had froze. you couldn’t even read his expression as he looked down at the grinning baby who was reaching out to him so enthusiastically.

“is he…”

his voice faltered as he turned to you, eyes soft, expression so intense and anticipating.

“he’s yours…”

shanks took a step back, nearly overtaken by the weight of your words. luffy held the grinning baby up to shanks but shanks just stared at you, waiting. processing.

your head was spinning and you felt as though gravity was slowly threatening to push you into the ground.

“i don’t need anything from you… you don’t have to— i just wanted you to know… you deserve to know.”

and then shanks was grinning, tears glistening in his eyes as he pulled you in for a rub crushing hug. he was laughing, overjoyed as he pulled you in for an entirely too passionate and enthusiastic kiss.

“i have a son…”

he was still smiling, disbelieving as he took you in, the looked back at luffy and the precious cargo he held.

“i would have told you… but i didn’t know where you were—“

shanks kissed you again, this time turning you slightly as you stumbled at the force of him. he was happy. he was so happy… more than you ever could have expected—

“can…. can i?” shanks turned from luffy to you, eyes soft and expectant, waiting for your permission to be apart of this life. of his son’s life.

you only nodded, fighting the tears in your eyes and the smile you couldn’t get rid of.

shanks held him so delicately that it nearly broke you. his hands shook slightly, cradling him against his chest like he had never held anything so important. shanks let out another disbelieving, overjoyed laugh and turned to you.

“i want to be involved… please— please i don’t want you to ever think i would just leave the two of you…” he looked to luffy, eyes softening, “the three of you.”

you kissed him again and shanks turned to his crew, one arm around you as he glanced back down at his son. his crew had started to make their way up the beach and he called for them.

“i have a son!”

he was laughing again, holding you tightly like he was scared to ever let go again. he announced it again until the entire crew was celebrating, each surrounding you with matching smiles.

“next time i leave…” his forehead fell against you, still smiling, “you’re coming with me. you’re all coming with me… i’m not leaving you again… i’m sorry. i’m sorry you were by yourself…”

“sanji?”

your favorite person in the whole world was not in his usual place, in the gulley. the stove was cool, the dishes all washed and put away— no trace of him even being in there.

you frowned slightly, changing your course to nami, who seemed to know the whereabouts of everyone, all the time.

“have you seen sanji?”

nami eyed you like she misheard you. she looked you over, then glanced around you suspiciously. sanji was, more often than not, attached at your hip. usually you never had to look for him because the two of you were nearly inseparable.

“did you check his room?”

nami still seemed confused and rather thrown off by sanji not being right next to you and you not knowing his whereabouts.

it was not unusual for you to go waltzing into sanji’s room, though he had never once stepped foot in you and nami’s room, even if you had given him permission— his cheeks would flush and he would only wait patiently at your door for you to come to him.

“sanji? when we get to this island, i was wondering if—“ you stopped as sanji jumped to his feet, glancing over his shoulder wide eyed, like he hadn’t even heard you come in.

“are you okay?”

at first you thought you had scared him but after a moment you realized he had photos scattered all over his bed. you knew he took photos. you knew he always carried the camera– and frequently wrestled it away from luffy.

you glanced over his shoulder and glanced over the scattered photos. candids, posed photos where everyone but zoro was smiling— you, vivi and nami, luffy eating, various locations of your journeys so far. you caught a glimpse of a few of him that you had taken and picked them up, smiling to yourself.

“quite the collection…”

there were none of just you— or of you and sanji, which you knew he had taken many of both. you had a particular favorite of the two of you that nami had taken that sat beside your bed.

“there’s— i do have pictures of you.”

you smiled slightly, tilting your head, “i know that… do you keep them in a special place close to your heart?” you had said it playfully, grinning up at him innocently to ignore the slight twinge of jealousy at seeing everyone else’s pictures.

sanji shifted, eyes dropping shyly as his cheeks flushed slightly. “actually…” his blue eyes met yours softly as he pulled a medium sized book out from under his blanket.

“i…. well–“ he passed it to you and dropped his eye contact, suddenly uncharacteristically shy.

you blinked once. twice. looked up at sanji and felt your chest tighten. he had the shyest smile you had ever seen, cheeks flushed slightly, cigarette between his lip as he chewed on it just slightly.

you opened it and your breath caught. it was all pictures of you. you with sanji, you by yourself. you grinning widely at the camera— at sanji who held it. you with sanji, pictures the others had taken of you looking at each other—

“you…”

sanji breathed in slowly, breath shaking, anticipating and dreading this conversation. the look you gave each other in that photo suddenly seemed so clear. it hit you like a punch to the gut. the way he was looking at you with that smile— the same look he was giving you when you looked up again.

“it’s not— i just… put them together… i didn’t— i didn’t want them to get lost…”

you turned the page and realized there was more than you had even thought. times you knew he had the camera but hadn’t posed or known he took them— you looked so happy in some of them. laughing at luffy. smiling at sanji, standing in the gulley with a ladel as you sampled sanji’s cooking.

“you’ve… these are from the very beginning—“ you flipped through the pages quickly, falling on the last page that had been taken yesterday. it was all of you— but you weren’t looking at the camera, you were looking at sanji. he was looking at you. there was so much between that look. so much unspoken in that glance and those smiles— “-to yesterday…”

“yeah,” sanji’s voice sounded far away, distracted— doubtful, “i just… wanted to remember everything.”

“why don’t you put everyone else in it too?”

but you knew… you had always known and just never let the realization settle in your chest.

“i…” sanji breathed in deeply and seemed to find his confidence again. he had nothing to be embarrassed about. those pictures of you were some of his most precious memories. he wasn’t embarrassed to keep every smile and every glance you gave him close.

“i wanted to remember you.”

oh?

“i’m not going anywhere…”

“i know…” sanji stepped closer and your breath caught, “but every smile. every little glance you give me that i didn’t notice…”

your cheeks heated and your heart pounded, stomach twisting nervously. his stare was so intimate. his blue eyes were so soft and intense; locking you to the spot and daring you to move first.

“but why….only me?”

sanji smiled then, tilting his head slightly. he held his cigarette between his fingers and his smile softened to a small, fond one. “mon cherie, don’t you know?” he stepped closer and you fought to breathe properly, “have i not been obvious enough for you?” his gaze and tone were so soft you fought the urge to melt into him just to stay standing.

“maybe you can say it anyway….”

your voice didn’t sound like your own— echoing in your own head as if proving this was real.

“i’m in love with you. i thought it was obvious from the moment i saw you…”

sanji grabbed both of your hands and you fought to keep breathing. “i apologize if that seems weird to you or… or if you don’t reciprocate i understand but i— i… i don’t see myself being unable to love you so you will have to learn to ignore it.”

your mouth twitched just slightly, letting his words settle against you and fill every thought. you let go of his hands and for a moment his gaze faltered— there was a flash of hurt, as if he was preparing for rejection. you moved your hands to his chest, smoothing his shirt before tugging on it so he stepped closer. his eyes flared, jaw ticking just slightly as a flash of hunger crossed his expression. you grabbed the front of his shirt with both hands as he stepped closer. you were just inches from his face now— noses nearly brushing against each other.

“how could i not love you, sanji?”

his breath caught and he looked like he was stopping himself from kissing you right then and there.

“you have a scrapbook of us—“

“of you.”

you eyed him with a playful scold, lifting your eyebrow just slightly, incredulous.

sanji laughed softly, loving the way you were looking at him. you just stared back, taking him in like you were trying to read his every thought. he was already leaning in when you pulled him in the rest of those few centimeters. you tilted your head back, he lowered his and your lips met in the soft, almost hesitant middle. your fist tightened on his shirt, his hands slid down to your hip to ground himself. you deepened the kiss, his hands slid around your back, rooting you to the spot.

the kiss turned from slow and agonizing to deeper and desperate. one hand slid from his shirt, up his shoulder, to the back of his neck and into his hair. sanji’s knees nearly gave out, crashing into you with even more desperation. a quiet, desperate groan escaped him and your breath caught. you pulled away just slightly to catch your breath, fingers twirling through sanji’s hair as he nearly buckled against you. his forehead fell against your shoulder and you felt him inhale slowly. he placed a single kiss against your collarbone, humming in satisfaction.

“what was it…” sanji paused to catch his breath, still reeling from the kisses that nearly broke him, “you were saying,” another gentle kiss on your forehead, head falling forward to rest against yours, “before you came in?”

you smiled to yourself, tilting your head back to look up at him again, “i don’t remember…” you let out a breathy laugh, disbelieving yourself.

knot tricks // vinsmoke sanji

you were twirling ribbon between your fingers when buggy stormed in, ruining your focus and dragging an exasperated huff from you. “something i can help you with, captain?” despite his general decency and somewhat respectfulness, buggy forgets he can’t just barge in anywhere, anytime.

“that isn’t your new costume.”

you stopped threading white and red ribbon through your hair and blinked, “correct, captain.”

“and why is that? i work very hard to make sure you look good, you know. as one of my star acts, i just think—“

“if you put me in any less clothing, i’m going to be hanging from that rope by gripping it between my ass cheeks. last i checked it is not that kind of show. and if it is, you will start paying me.”

you removed your accusing finger from buggy’s chest and you weren’t sure if he looked more irritated or impressed with you. “fine, fine. whatever you say…” he couldn’t lose you and that was the sole reason you got away with your frequent lip and back talk, “but i don’t think i need to remind you that tonight is a big night. i mean with the gold roger anniversary and all the tourists—“

you snapped your fingers and buggy gaped at you like he had imagined it, “don’t tell me how to do my job, captain… last i remember, only one of us looks good tied up and dangling from the ceiling…”

buggy stared at you for a moment, blinked and rolled his eyes, “when have you ever seen me tied up or dangling from the ceiling?”

you hummed, bouncing your finished hair with a satisfied smile, “straw hats… i believe you were one or both.” you popped your mouth, satisfied with your look and confident that at least three or more men would throw you berry.

buggy let out a growl, exhaling slowly in a breath that was both grounding and irritated, “don’t bring those punks up to me ever again! the next time we see them, they’re dead!”

you smiled to yourself, “i thought they were cute. good fighters… especially for such a small crew.”

“oh, then next time you can go join them! maybe make that insufferable shitbag your boyfriend…” you snorted in amusement, eyeing buggy incredulously, “i like blonds… you know that.”

“yes, how silly of me. forgetting what my acrobat’s type of man is…”

you pouted playfully and patted his cheek, “so long as you know it isn’t you.” you brushed past him as buggy launched into a tangent about your disrespect and how he shouldn’t even put up with it.

you were tugging at your stockings while stretching and walking— hey, you couldn’t sit still, what was a girl to do— when you saw them. the straw hats were down the street, not even having noticed the carnival yet. a familiar tug pulled at your chest and you tilted your head. they had gotten a bigger crew since you saw them— you saw zoro and nami and of course luffy— but there were two you hadn’t met. you could pretend to hate them like buggy. you could hold a grudge against them for embarrassing your captain and then abducting just his head. but you didn’t.

you had liked them. when your only conversation was buggy and his crew, you longed for civilized conversation— or at least someone who was actually funny…

you could invite them to see you perform— though then buggy would inevitably trap them and you would almost feel bad. so instead, you watched. you watched them laugh and argue like siblings. you watched them split up and promise to meet up with each other again. trusting and friendly. nothing like the crew you were a part of…

shouts were heard for the beginning of the circus and you sighed. you adjusted your posture and fixed your hair before skipping out into the middle of big top, smirking like you knew everyone’s secrets— drawing eyes and gasps as you grabbed ahold of the rope and started to swing.

it was easier to forget about your meaningless purpose when you were so high above everyone else; flying through the hair with a grace that didn’t reflect your inward thoughts at all.

you let go of the first rope, spinning and flipping and receiving enough gasps to fill the tent, you caught yourself with your leg, hooking it over your head and arching your back until you were using your own head as a footrest. there were whistles from some of the men and you batted your eyelashes and flashed an even bigger smirk. as if inviting them to you— as if they would ever get close enough to touch you.

you were barely breathless when you touched the ground again and placed an exaggerated friendly hand on buggy’s chest as you took your bow. there was more applause for you as buggy talked you up more than he ever did anyone else. you winked once more at the audience before somersaulting, skipping and flipping your way out until your next act.

you stopped short on your way to your dressing room. you were half way unzipped from your dress when you exhaled slowly, “excuse me…”

the blond turned quickly, wide eyed until his eyes landed on you. you crossed your arms to keep your dress from slipping completely, though you hoped it looked like you were just intimidating.

his mouth fell open and he flushed several shades of pink. your shock turned to amusement as you took him in. he was cute. too cute, really. definitely too cute to be from here or here on purpose. and he was blond.

“hi…” your tone took a higher pitch as your voice softened, blinking up at him innocently.

the man stood statuesque, posture tense, eyes wider than you had ever seen, “um— h– hi- hi… hello. i’m— i’m—“

ah, you had broken him…

he put his hand on his chest, finger uselessly pointing at himself, “sanji. i’m…. me– sanji.”

your mouth twitched up and you shifted slightly, removing your hand from the wall but keeping the other one holding your dress up, “sanji…” you liked the way his name tasted. you bet he would taste even better…

he nodded, smiling now, despite his terrified expression.

“you can relax, sanji. i don’t bite.” you watched him relax slightly, eyes still on you like you would disappear if he looked away. you smirked to yourself again, thrilled to have such a captivated audience, “unless you want me to…”

sanji joked, then— stumbling forward and catching himself on the opposite wall, straightening his back and trying to pull himself together.

oh, he was delightful…

he hadn’t even made a singular comment about you— though he did look remarkably close to drooling.

“would you like a drink?”

“would i—?” he lifted his eyebrows as if he imagined it.

you raised yours in answer, questioning if he was sure he wanted to hesitate or ask you to clarify.

“yes. i would… very much.”

you smirked to yourself before glancing back at him and opening the door to your dressing room, “come on, then.” you knew he had noticed your unzipped dress, hanging off one shoulder and exposing your entire spine. he stumbled over his own feet and trailed behind you, still smiling but sweating slightly.

“so,” you kept your back to him as you poured two drinks, “sanji…” you glanced back at him and he just nodded, smiling like an idiot, keeping a surprisingly respectful distance.

“what are you doing here?”

sanji fidgeted slightly, “i— well my crew needed supplies… my captain wanted to see the execution platform… it’s all—“

“you’re a pirate?” you looked him up and down, remarking that you would have never guessed— he was dressed nicely, he wore a tie— he was entirely too well put together.

“i’m a cook,” sanji seemed to gain some sort of confidence back and stepped closer— still respectful, not looking like he was going to do anything without your permission.

you eyed him, tilting your head slightly, “interesting…”

“is it?” it was a genuine question— hopeful, maybe.

you passed him a drink, smiling slightly, “it is… most pirates i meet are all hands and ego and usually end up getting a finger or two broken.”

at this, sanji smiled, “i said i was a cook… i’m not like that.” he didn’t want to bring up how he was damn near drooling when he saw you, or how good you looked or how it would be his single greatest honor if he kissed you—

your mouth twitched again, humming to yourself, “very interesting…” you drained your drink in one swallow and sanji’s eyes widened, though he looked nothing near put off by you.

“give me just a second—“ you stepped behind your wooden shades and tossed your dress over the top. you heard a distinctive choking and fought back a laugh. when you stepped back out, now in your second outfit, sanji was standing, back to you, admiring the spectacular nothing on the wall.

you lifted an eyebrow, head now spinning. “you turned around.” you hadn’t meant to say it out loud. sanji relaxed slightly at your voice but still didn’t turn around, “of course… you invited me in for a drink. i wouldn’t expect anything more…”

oh.

you crossed the room and stopped just before reaching him. still processing and weighing the situation. sanji turned, having noticed you getting closer, expression soft, slightly anticipating.

“do you….often…invite strangers into your room?”

you smirked slightly at this, “only the cute ones.” your tone was playful, eyeing him like you didn’t want to miss anything about him.

“ah,” sanji sipped his drink and sat down on the squishy chair that was really too small to serve a purpose, “and here i thought i was special…”

your lip twitched, looking him over, “i said you were cute, didn’t i?”

sanji’s his cheeks flushed slightly and for a moment his flirty demeanor faltered, “there is that…” he looked up at you, head tilting slightly. that look nearly dropped you. it damn near could have been a lethal hit, the softness in his eyes, his blue eyes that rooted you in place and looked at you like you were currently the only thing in the world.

your eyes stayed locked on his and you swore time slowed. you forgot all about the show— your stupid costume, your stage call, even incessant buggy and the crew. “i don’t…..always invite strangers here… i’m not— actually like that…” you didn’t know why you felt the need to explain yourself— or why you cared what he thought.

he still eyed you softly, “just the cute ones?”

you almost laughed, sighing, “there aren’t cute ones… it’s hard to have… a relationship…here. i don’t really— i mean there was a few—“

sanji’s expression didn’t change. he didn’t look disgusted or judgmental. he just nodded, setting drink down on the vanity across from him, “it doesn’t matter… i didn’t come here expecting anything… actually i was looking for my captain— there was food and he— well, never mind… why did you invite me in, anyway? for…a drink?”

you eyed him with a not so innocent look, tilting your head slightly again, “maybe i’m lonely. and you’re cute…”

sanji flushed again, “as if you couldn’t get any man you wanted…” he closed his mouth, blushing even further at his blunt statement that he did not need to say out loud.

this time you smiled, trying to figure out exactly who had walked through your door, “i don’t just want any man… the other times— like i said… maybe i get lonely. it’s never been….” you shook your head, “never mind.” one night stands had never made you feel better. the few you had been with made you feel worse instead of better.

“can i take you out to dinner?”

you lifted your eyebrows, looking at him like he was insane. he was smiling slightly, clearly amused by your surprise.

“i think maybe you can…” you flinched at the pounding on your door, “damn it. that’s my cue… you should come watch… normally people don’t get to watch for free.” you winked and sanji was already standing to his feet, trailing behind you like a lost stray that had been offered food.

sanji was practically drooling when he met you backstage; wide eyed and weak in the knees, eyes locked on you like a magnet. you were smiling— a genuine smile, not missing the way your stomach flipped at the sight of him waiting for you.

“that was…. incredible. remarkable, really… i’ve never seen anything quite so—“ his eyes dropped down your body and you felt your cheeks heat. your smile widened, smirking slightly as you leaned in, “thank you…”

you opened your mouth to say something sure to send him tumbling to the ground when you heard him— you grabbed sanji by the shirt sleeve and pushed him into your dressing room with enough force to have him gasp.

“great job tonight, sweetheart! you had eyes all over you.”

great…

“i was thinking maybe tomorrow, you could—“

“i’m taking the night off. i found a little cafe i want to try, so do not come looking for me.”

buggy stopped, blinked once, opened his mouth. if he tried arguing you would go anyway. if he forbid you from going you would injure him. again…

“oh! okay… can you take someone with you? as a guard? i would hate to see something happen to my acrobat…”

“i’ll be fine, captain.”

buggy opened his mouth to speak but you were already closing the door on his face. you turned to sanji with a guilty smile, “sorry about that. he’s—“

“your captain is buggy?”

you raised your eyebrows, blinking once, “you know buggy…”

“you could say that.”

shit.

“sorry about that…”

sanji laughed and your stomach flipped. “i find it hard to believe that you are on buggy’s crew.”

you laughed weakly, shaking your head, “it’s not…” you cleared your throat and stepped behind the shutters again, “he’s better than the other options…”

sanji said nothing. he didn’t need to say anything— but his stomach sank unpleasantly and twisted in protest. you deserved better— that much he knew, even in the short time he knew you he knew that much. before he opened his mouth and said something truly stupid, you stepped out in a black dress that had sanji’s jaw dropping once again.

“sorry… i rarely get to go out. figured i’d put on something nice…”

“yes—“ sanji’s voice cracked, “yes… it’s definitely… you look— beautiful.”

you smiled again, glancing at him innocently. he meant it. you knew he meant it with everything in him. he was looking at you with true adoration— not with lust, not with hunger…

dinner had been good. the company had been even better. and after…

sanji stopped at the door, having snuck through the camp and tents, holding back laughter as you shushed him. he stopped outside the door to your temporary room, eyeing you softly.

“thank you for letting me take you out to dinner…”

oh.

“and the drink…”

his eyes dropped to your lips for only a second. he was wanting to kiss you. but you knew he wouldn’t. he would wait. he would say goodnight and thank you again unless you were the one that gave him permission.

oh, he was something else entirely…

you eyed him up and down and he shifted slightly, moving to stand up from where he leaned against the door. he glanced over his shoulder at footsteps.

“sanji.”

he stopped, glancing at you expectantly.

“are you just leaving?”

“i—“ he covered his mouth with a fist as if holding back a nervous gag, “well i—“ he had lost all color in face, “i wasn’t—“

you smirked faintly, stepping aside so your door opened wider, “come in…”

sanji nearly collapsed as he stumbled towards you and through the doorway. you eyed him with an amused smirk, tilting your head slightly.

“i had a really nice night…”

sanji looked remarkably close to fainting.

“nights still young, sanji…”

and when you kissed him, sanji melted into it like he had waited a lifetime for it. his hands hesitated– held lifted just above his sides, as if waiting for permission. you slid your hands up his back, through his hair, pulling him closer.

sanji exhaled slowly, shaking slightly. his hands slowly reached your hips, just resting them there, gently— scared to hold you as tightly as he wanted to. you pulled him closer, not giving him an option as he held you tighter to keep his footing. you dragged your fingers through his hair, pulling his mouth to yours again.

all hesitation and caution evaporated as sanji breathed in shakily, shuffling after you as you pulled him towards your bed.

sanji wasn’t stupid— he was not one to turn down this opportunity. he had given you many opportunities to say goodnight. to let him leave… as soon as his knees and the back of your thighs hit the bed, he broke like a dropped a vase.

it had never been like that.

nights sharing a bed always left you feeling dirty, feeling heavy and making that loneliness stick to you like glue. you always woke up alone— you always fell asleep alone.

but sanji stayed. he held you afterwards, arms around your shoulders, placing soft kisses on your shoulders and neck. he held you like there was never an option to do anything else— like it’s what he was meant to do. all he was ever meant to do…

your face buried against his chest, shifting against him. sanji’s breath sharpened, tensing slightly as you willingly got closer to him. there was something in the air between you. it was thick and demanded to be noticed— it wasn’t casual… it was too comfortable to be a one time thing.

“i can leave… do you want me to leave?”

your heart beat hadn’t slowed yet. legs and core aching from how desperately you had clung to him. it had never been like that… you knew it would never be like that again.

“no. you can stay…”

please stay.

sanji did.

you woke up slightly before sunrise, still feeling heavy arms draped over you and a warm chest pressed against your back. you shifted only slightly— pleading with whatever higher power was out there that you wouldn’t wake sanji up. that this wouldn’t end… that he could just stay—

there were already footsteps and voices outside of the tent. some of the crew preferred to sleep on the ship; while you savored being far away from the others and locked in your own room. shortly after you just laid there blissfully, you felt hair fall against your face as sanji shifted awake. he was just as charming as last night— hair sticking up in odd places, bangs falling over his eyes and hiding the blue you had been so transfixed by.

“good morning,” sanji looked down at you softly, like he had been convinced you were a dream. you just looked up at him, head pressed securely between his shoulder and chest. he had stayed. he had stayed all night and you didn’t have to ask him…

“you’re beautiful.”

holy shit.

you likely had yesterday’s make up streaked all over your face, eyes glossy and still dazed, lips swollen from where sanji had been— quite enthusiastically and skilled.

“for a moment i thought it had been a dream…”

holy shit.

it wasn’t even cheesy coming from him— he looked at you like he was enraptured. and when he said these things, you actually believed him…

“not a dream… i think you have proof…” you brushed your thumb against his chest, where there was undeniable evidence of where you had been.

sanji placed his hand over yours, eyes still on you even though your attention was elsewhere, “i will treasure them always…”

you tilted your head up at at him, eyeing him like you couldn’t quite figure him out. he was… perfect. too perfect. unfairly, cruelly perfect.

“you should return the favor.”

sanji had focused on you— he was… extraordinary, really. slow and careful and kissing you like he was worshipping you. hands gentle, holding you like he was scared you would break. he was respectful— even when you were shaking and muttering his name like a prayer. he didn’t take. he didn’t dare leave any marks on you, despite how badly he wanted to— so you had to remember him… so there was proof that he had been here. tangled in your sheets, wrapped around you in ways that he never knew existed…

sanji didn’t hesitate. he shifted just slightly, until he was leaning just slightly over your chest, lowering his mouth to yours to give you the sweetest, most agonizing kisses. your fingers found his hair again— god, you loved his hair… and it was already messy, so running your fingers through it and tugging on it would harm nothing—

“make them last…”

sanji breathed in deeply, as if your permission was the sweetest thing he had ever heard. as if he had restrained himself last night— holding back with all the will power he had left.

you would remember him.

even without the marks along your neck, collarbone, under your chin, along your jawline— shoulder, chest, stomach…. inner thigh.

you would remember him.

and you didn’t think you would ever get over him…

“sanji.”

you breathed his name finally, while his head rested against your stomach, tracing small circles, placing lazy, open mouthed kisses along your skin.

“yes, love?”

don’t go.

stay here…

be completely insane and irrational and never leave me…

and sanji just might. if you asked him— god, he couldn’t leave you. one night had felt like everything in his lifetime clicked into place—

there was a pounding on your door and you both flinched. you swore— loudly and strong enough for sanji to eye you with a small, impressed yet terrified smirk.

“are you awake yet? i need to run something by you. it’s about my nose— and also another outfit for you.”

fucking buggy.

you glanced to the door— mournfully— then back at sanji, chest constricting at the thought of ever leaving this bed again.

“i’m going to come in… you’d better be awake.”

that had both of you scrambling to your feet, tripping over each other and mumbling curses. you pulled a shirt over your head— sanji’s– to which he nearly folded at the knees at seeing you in. and sanji scrambled for his pants.

“hold on! just a moment, captain!”

“he can’t see you!” you hissed it through a whisper, starting to panic only slightly. sanji, wide eyed and red faced, clearly agreed to at least not being seen without his clothes back on.

“i would rather him not see me! is he always this demanding with you?”

you snorted, eyeing him incredulously with a look that was answer enough.

“i can kick his ass for you. if you want—“

“chivalrous…” you smiled to yourself.

another pounding on the door, “hurry up! we don’t have all day!”

sanji looked at you with a disbelieving expressing and you huffed. tempting.

you glanced around your room for a place for sanji to hide that wouldn’t be obvious— and buggy, as clueless and amusing as he was, always noticed when something was off. you would be better off shocking him into leaving— if you hid it there would be an interrogation and if he recognized him—

“i need to tie you up.”

sanji choked— coughing slightly as he stared at you with wide eyes, “pardon?”

“do you trust me?”

sanji probably should have said no. he should have backed away slowly and turned and ran.

he held his wrists out to you with a smile.

sanji sat on the too small stool once again, hands tied in his lap, ankles tied together— pillowcase over his head.

god, he had never been happier. his eyes never left your face as you tied the knots with more precision and grace than he had ever seen. smirking entirely not innocently as you placed a kiss against his lips before letting the pillowcase fall over his head.

you opened the door and buggy stepped in with a shriek. “making friends, are we?” he was smirking, looking at you with raised eyebrows and a scolding shake of his finger.

“i hope you didn’t do this during open hours.”

you clicked your tongue and shrugged, smirking, “girls got needs, buggy.”

buggy eyed you with a brief horrified expression before moving towards sanji. you stepped in front of him with your arms crossed and shook your head, “that one is mine. he will not be part of your act or your crew…”

buggy narrowed his eyes at you, “is he disfigured? is the bag part of it? is he even consenting to being tied up?” buggy snapped his fingers and sanji just tilted his head slightly in acknowledgment.

“hello! are you alright in there? is she more than you can handle—“

sanji, to his credit, shrugged. then nodded. and you knew he was smiling like a fiend under that pillow case.

“get out, buggy.”

“right, sorry. i’ll fill you in later. but we caught the damn straw hat. his execution will be in an hour… you won’t want to miss it!”

sanji was fighting against the restraints now as you pulled the pillowcase from his head. his eyes were wide, looking up at you like you were the only one who could stop this. you freed his hands with one tug and knelt to free his ankles.

“i can get you out of here. you’ve got to save luffy… buggy’s insane. all he talks about is getting his revenge on—“

sanji had stopped pulling the ropes off his ankles to look up at you, confused and almost hurt, “you know luffy?”

“yes i know luffy… i met him before you joined the crew.”

sanji blinked, eyebrows furrowed as if trying to do an impossible math problem.

“you…. know luffy…”

you huffed, “yes, sanji! last time i helped him escape and—“ you stopped short and looked up so you were eye to eye with him, “not like that!”

sanji looked so relieved you almost laughed.

“god, no! i didn’t sleep with your captain.”

you eyed him playfully, “i told you. i like blonds…”

“who can cook…” sanji was smiling smugly and you wondered if he had momentarily forgotten all about luffy, “and doesn’t protest being tied up?”

you smirked as he stood to his feet, “it certainly doesn’t hurt…”

the crew had been all but immobilized and when sanji turned to you with wide eyes, you flashed him a smile. you had turned on your own crew– taking out three people you shared meals with a knew their names, all because of sanji… sanji, who was more than capable of taking care of himself. zoro held his sword up to your throat and you lifted your arms in surrender, smirking slightly.

“hello again, zoro…”

zoro sighed deeply, like he was talking himself out of killing you and reminding himself that you had helped them last time.

“sword down, mosshead… she isn’t…” sanji eyed you softly and you tilted your head.

“cook, not every woman needs you to defend them. she can take care of herself. last time we saw her, she threw sea water on her own captain…”

sanji eyed you with an impressed smirk and you merely shrugged, “i tripped…”

the lighting blast had been so sudden and so close that the ground shook— you screamed and sanji instinctively moved to grab onto you. the execution platform was gone and with it, luffy and buggy.

the straw hats fell silent— tears in a few of their eyes, curses in the mouths of others. you held your breath— and you felt a sickening twist of your stomach as luffy’s hat floated down and landed at your feet.

no…

lighting—

buggy hadn’t succeeded but—

“hey, guys!”

you took your attention off the hat in your shaking hands, and met the grinning, slightly dazed expression of luffy. the crew rushed forward and pulled luffy in for a hug— except zoro, who still eyed you, but regarded luffy with an relieved smile.

“hello again,” luffy said your name as sanji and nami pulled away. he said it like he was greeting a friend, eyes soft and still smiling.

“hey, stretch…” you held his hat out to him and he grinned even wider, taking it back gently.

“it’s good to see you.”

you glanced over the crew of straw hats and felt a small sting in your chest. they weren’t a crew, they were a family…

“where did you come from, sanji?”

you hadn’t even noticed the other new crew member— a boy with goggles, looking slightly dazed and frightened.

“oh, apologies, captain luffy…” you glanced at sanji and he was still eyeing you like it was early this morning.

“i borrowed your cook last night…”

zoro choked, nami cleared her throat and the fifth unnamed crew member looked between you and sanji with wide eyes and a slight blush.

“like for dinner? is there leftovers? can i have them? i’m starving…” your mouth twitched in amusement as luffy’s oblivious innocence.

sanji was flushed slightly, though he was smirking like he wasn’t at all sorry, “not exactly…”

luffy just looked between you, still grinning, expectant and anticipating.

zoro cleared his throat and shifted on his feet, “we’d better be going. the marines will show up and we’ll all be in trouble…”

right.

your captain was nowhere to be found, likely in pieces and smoking from the strike. your crew was all incapacitated and you had committed treason to buggy and your crew.

right…

“you should come with us.” luffy pushed his hat back onto his head, stating it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“you’re good with knots, right… you’ve saved us twice now… we could use you. you should join my crew…”

oh.

sanji was looking at luffy like he could just hug him— turning to you with a soft smile and eyes that sparkled, “you should come with us…” his tone was soft, expression almost a plea.

they were inviting you. the crew that became a family… the cook who hadn’t been casual… you had nothing here— you would likely be killed after that stunt… you glanced back over your shoulder at the only life you had known. the performance, the crew, the captain who had treated you better than anyone else…

sanji carried your bags with a smile that rivaled luffy’s. zoro kept glancing over and snorting, thoroughly amused by sanji being so pathetic and love struck, “you just had to, didn’t you…”

sanji glanced at him with an innocent look, smiling almost smugly, “when you’re invited for a drink, it is rude to say no, mosshead.”

zoro snorted again, “i bet you took her to dinner too, didn’t you?”

“of course i did.” as if that was the only thing he was ever supposed to do, “and now i get to cook for her every night and make sure she never goes without a proper meal ever again…”

one week had passed and you only felt mildly guilty about making sure your former captain was still alive— but not for leaving. you had already laughed more in these seven days than you had your entire life. you loved it here. you loved the merry. you loved the straw hats…

the merry was much smaller than your usual job requirements. luffy talked of one day getting a bigger ship, but you didn’t think he would ever actually let go of the going merry… rigging lines were wrapped around your hand as you tied off and twisted, giving a firm yank that sent you upwards, into the crow’s nest.

you clicked your tongue as you landed on your feet, glancing down at the ship’s deck below. you would get used to this. it was quiet. it was filled with laughter and the kind of arguments between friends that didn’t lead to fist fights.

“how’s it looking?”

sanji had stepped out of the kitchen and looked up at you with his hand over his eyes, grinning. your heart did a pathetic little flip and you smiled. he looked really damn good from up here… and even better up close.

“not bad, chef… looks like one of your knots is tied incorrectly and the rope is starting to fray.”

sanji frowned slightly, while luffy stopped beside him, “can you fix it?”

you snorted, “of course i can, captain.”

anything to make yourself feel useful. you hooked your leg over the rope and bent backwards over the rail of the crows nest. sanji’s mouth hung open and he had a brief flash of you in that too small and too tight circus outfit— then of you bending over similarly that first night.

“careful, love—“ he couldn’t help it; he knew you were more than competent and much more qualified than any of them, but the thought of you falling was almost worst case scenario for him.

you glanced down at him with a grin, smirking slightly, “may i borrow your lighter?”

“my—?”

“fire on the ship?” luffy watched you wide eyed, “around all that wood and rope?”

you smiled cheekily, “i won’t burn down your ship, captain. i promise. just making her feel better…”

you flipped yourself slowly, rope twisted around your leg, hanging upside down with both hands free. you held your hands up— or down– and glanced at sanji eagerly. he tossed you his lighter without thinking— something he never lost sight of or took out of his pocket.

you caught it, smirking at sanji and his glazed expression, before flipping yourself back around to grab a second rope. luffy was memorized; thinking you looked remarkably like a squirrel bouncing between trees. you lowered yourself again, tugging the first rope taught so you could retie the knot. sanji held his breath, silently noting that you were only staying up there by holding yourself up and weren’t secured to anything.

luffy was wide eyed, hand on his hat like he was being literally blown away— “she’s amazing… how does she not fall?”

sanji just watched you with all the adoration in the world, smiling to himself, “yeah, she is. she’s not gonna fall…”

you retied the main rigging, grunting slightly as you made sure to tighten it as much as possible. you flipped again, hair cascading below you as you flicked sanji’s lighter and melted the frayed ends together. you blew on the ends, satisfied. you unhooked your leg from the rope and let yourself fall, gracefully, hands sliding down the rope until you landed in sanji’s arms, bridal style.

sanji was beaming— actually beaming, like a school boy who was given too much candy— looking down at you like there was absolutely no where else he would rather be.

“that was amazing…” luffy was looking at you with wide eyes, smiling nearly— if possible— as much as sanji.

“why thank you, captain. it was nothing…”

“you should teach us to tie those fancy knots. in case something ever happens…”

you smiled to yourself, “sure, luffy… that’s a good idea.”

you glanced to sanji, who was still holding you, still beaming, still on cloud nine that you were really here. “i can give you private lessons if you want…” you smirked and sanji nearly dropped you.

he cursed, scrambling to keep his feet under him and not drop the most precious thing in the world, “yes.” he was so easy, you just smiled, heart flipping, “yes ma’am. whenever you fancy…”

you scrunched your nose up, leaning in just slightly and kissing him. sanji’s arms tightened around you, shifting you closer and breathing in slowly. he lowered your feet back to the deck, but only to place one hand on your cheek and the other around your waist.

“i’m really glad you came with us…”

you tilted your head so your forehead rested against his, “so am i, sanji…”

“thank you for coming with us..”

“thank you for being the reason i did…”

the handcuffs were cold on your wrists. nearly thirty years having avoided handcuffs and you were finally placed in them by your brother. something rumbled deep inside your chest. it was coiled tightly, vibrating with an energy that was uncontrollable.

“open your eyes.”

you did. though the man across the table from you couldn’t see the murderous expression in them.

“you killed him.”

“we’re not talking about dex.”

“don’t you fucking say his name.”

matt held something up between his fingers, rubbing his thumb over them like only one other person had before.

“don’t touch those—“

“why do you have these?”

“give them back.”

your anger had turned to a plea as you moved to feel for the dog tags no longer around your neck. the chained handcuffs clinked as you met the end of your range of motion.

“how long have you been involved with poindexter?”

you just stared straight ahead. eyes glossy, unfeeling—

“you should have told me.”

you blinked once, eyes on the dog tags like they were dex, himself.

“i need you to talk to me or this will go so much worse for you.”

“fuck you, matt.”

matt just nodded, hands folded calmly in front of him. he was looking past you, to the camera above the door. it flickered once. matt breathed deeply, like he was wrestling with what to say next. like he knew he shouldn’t say it—

“he’s still alive.”

you felt like you had been thrown into ice water.

“let me see him.”

“no.”

you hand twitched, itching for something to lash out with.

“this will go one of two ways. you get life in prison or you plead insanity and get put in a rehabilitation program.”

you actually snorted, “i’m not insane.”

“doesn’t look like it from this side of the table. what were you possibly thinking?”

“fuck you, matt.”

he exhaled slowly, rubbing his face, “i’m trying to help you. believe it or not your life is about to suck even more than it already does.”

you snorted again, “i would be more worried about everyone else.”

matt tilted his head, lifting a cautioning finger, “what does that mean? is he planning something? i need you to tell me right now.”

you laughed, shaking your head pathetically, “do you realize what you’ve done? you took me… you’ve broken the leash off the beast… what is going to stop him now? t the entire point was so i didn’t—“

matt shifted slightly, the briefest concern washing over his face, “he’ll never be free again. i am going to insure that.”

“you think anything will stop him?” you were laughing again, “i was the only one holding him back.”

“bullshit. he doesn’t listen to anyone.”

you threw your head back with a groan, trying to remember why your head hurt, “he listens to me. he listens to me… you’re going to break him— you can’t—“

“dex knows he needs to be an upstanding citizen. he knows what happens to you if he isn’t.”

you stoppped short, looking up at matt fully now. matt noted the leap in your heart rate.

“you can’t use me against him. please don’t make me leverage…”

“it’s the only thing that has worked.”

you gritted your teeth. this was the last thing you had wanted. you to be used against him… to be—

“is he okay?”

“why him? how the hell did you get tangled up with him?”

you let your head fall forward and sighed, “is he okay?”

“he’ll be fine if he behaves.”

you shook your head, smiling slightly.

“how long? at least tell me how long…”

“i first met him eight years ago.”

“eight—“ matt ran his hand through his hair and stood to his feet, beginning to pace.

“when he was in the fbi?”

you said nothing, only stared at him, eyes locked on him with blame and something more dangerous.

“did he manipulate you?”

“what, are you, my lawyer now?”

“that’s exactly what i am right now— find me a single other lawyer that doesn’t think you’re a lost cause.”

his words stung. they hurt more than you would admit… but he wasn’t wrong. and for a moment you hated him… your gaze stayed fixed on him, he stared back— somehow too intense for a blind man— and the tension was pulled like a taught wire. it was an electrical wire— sparking and zapping, filling the room with a dangerous energy that risked combusting.

“have you given up on me? do you think i’m a lost cause…”

the question dazed him. he took a single step back as if struck. his breathing faltered— he tilted his head slightly as if he hadn’t heard you.

being mad at him would do nothing. he hadn’t killed dex. but he could have… he could have had you shot in the street rather than taken in–

but no—

he had still done this… but he was still here. he had stayed.

“i think you’re in trouble. i think you’ve gone so far past the line that you never even thought to look behind you.”

you stared down at your handcuffed hands, vision blurring slightly, “i don’t think there is a line anymore…” you glanced back at the dog tags that had been set back on the table, “i think there’s only people… people who are willing to do what it takes to stop it and people who just let it happen.”

“there are other ways—“

“people who hurt others and people who stop them.”

“you hurt people too!”

“bad people. i hurt bad people, who do much worse things to innocent people…”

“that is not your judgement—“

“judgement! the judgement of a man who wears devil horns and calls himself a man of faith? the judgement of a jury that will give a killer the death penalty when they don’t even have all the facts—“

“if you’re taking about dex—“

“don’t. dont say his name like you know him.”

“i know him plenty— i have the scars and dead friends because of him. he’s tried to kill me, he’s tried to kill you—“

“he’s never tried to kill me. if he wanted me dead he wouldn’t have missed everytime he threw things at me or shot at me.”

“so what? he’s the exception? you fall in love with the very thing you take people out for?”

“he’s not like them.”

“the things he has done—“ matt spat, “he is a murderer and he is clinically insane. he is more dangerous than even fisk— he kills people and enjoys it. he takes a beating and he laughs.”

matt said your name and you felt a tug in your stomach. he thought you needed saving… he thought you needed saving from the one person who had kept you here—

“so what? you love him? you really love him? you think you understand what the greatest mystery of the world is for someone who wouldn’t hesitate to kill me— kill you.”

you slammed your hand in the desk and matt flinched. “he didn’t.” that was the only thing you had ever known. ever been sure about— dex would never— “he won’t.”

“he killed foggy—“ matt clenched and lunged forward like he was going to attack you.

“don’t. don’t you dare bring him into this—“

“he killed foggy because she was going to kill me…”

matt had froze. you watched the circuits in his mind short circuit. you watched the way his head twitched as he scrambled to reach a rational conclusion—

“i told him not to. i begged him not to. i tried to get him to just leave. we could have just left—“ your voice shook and you shook your head as if shaking away the emotions.

“who?”

you gritted your teeth. shook your head once. he would be killed— if it ever got out— dex…

“i won’t say anything that puts it on him.”

there was a curse and matt was pacing again. you may as well have confessed to killing his best friend yourself. matt was distraught— the only relationship you had ever had and it was—

“matthew.”

he stopped to glance your direction, irritation growing, betrayal marked across his face.

“you’re a few years too late for that. this means you’ve been conspiring with him for years— you’ve known— you’re now an accessory. to everything. you need to talk. you need to talk or you will go down for all of it.”

the corner of your mouth twitched up. the camera flickered back on and you breathed deeply, closing your eyes, feeling an overwhelming sense of peace flooding over you. you glanced up into the camera and you lied through your teeth. smiling…

“everything benjamin poindexter ever did was on my request. if anyone was manipulated, it was him. he needed stability, i needed someone with more skill. after fisk, i saw an opportunity and he filled it perfectly.”

you turned to matt, jaw set in determination, eyes burning into him with a look you knew he could feel. he had never looked so defeated. he had never looked so shocked or disappointed or horrified— he looked at you like you were a stranger. he shook his head faintly, almost looking completely broken— the door opened and guards rushed in. you were pinned to the table, laughing as your hands were pulled behind your back and you were restrained too tightly to even breathe.

you were hauled to your feet, shoved and dragged forward like you were fighting it and being violent. your eyes were on matt as you were dragged away, feeling not an ounce of remorse or fear.

“thank you, councilor…“

he knew you were lying. his voice was shaking.

“you should have told me…”

he knew you were willing to go down instead of him… he could have helped— he should have known—

“you should have told me you were never really dead.”

the target was fast. surprisingly agile for his size. you glanced to the watch on your wrist. it had stopped working long ago. it had stopped working the night it’s owner died. the face was cracked, but you still saw your reflection in it’s face. shattered and broken, remarkably like yourself. but this watch brought comfort— you only brought death.

the fake daredevil knew you were following him. you had been watching him for a while. he knew that. you knew he was good. too good. military background, fbi— corrupt and deadly. just how you liked them…

“i don’t think that suit belongs to you.”

he stopped walking, head tilted slightly. it reminded you of matt. he turned, slowly. his body was tense— coursing with energy and restraint. he reminded you of a penned up wild animal. a storm cloud being held in a bottle… something feral and deadly but somehow captivating.

“you should go home. it’s dangerous for women to be out by themselves at night.”

it wasn’t a threat.

his head lifted slowly, locating you on the roof above him. there was the faintest smirk on his face. something twisted and unstable.

“lucky for me, i’m not by myself.”

“you don’t have any backup… you wouldn’t need it.”

you inclined your head; clearly he had done research, himself.

“you’re here, are you not? do you often stand by idly if a woman gets grabbed at night?”

he faltered slightly, caught off guard.

you weren’t scared of him… you weren’t even slightly unsettled.

“i—“ he pulled himself together, mind now racing to grasp onto potential tricks or strategies being set up.

“take the suit off.”

“that’s very forward. i’m not one to let a masked woman undress me in an alley.”

you had scaled down the roof and landed a few feet from him. he tensed slightly, caught off guard by your swiftness but he didn’t step back.

“take it off. daredevil is dead. there’s no need to ruin his name…”

“his name?” there was that smirk again. you were struck by the assumption that a real smile from him may be earth shattering. “you’re here for a reputation?”

you said nothing. only watched him, noting his stance— the knife held between two fingers, pressed against his palm— he could have thrown it by now and killed you, but hadn’t.

“are you planning on killing me?” he spun the knives between his fingers, still looking at you with the faintest head tilt. like he couldn’t quite hear you— or like he was deciding something, “because that may not go very well for you.”

“you haven’t killed me yet. which means you don’t see me as a threat.”

“i don’t see anyone as a threat.”

you smiled at this, realizing in horror that you quite liked him. he was remarkably like yourself– reckless and entirely too confident. “and i don’t care if i die trying. seems like we would have quite the fight…”

“tempting.”

“is it?”

“you don’t seem scared of me…”

“i’m not scared of anyone.”

he laughed like he was actually amused and then was eyeing you with that smirk again. like he knew something you didn’t. like he looked forward to proving you wrong— “and you know who i am…” it wasn’t a question. he almost sounded impressed.

you shrugged, sighing slightly, “everyone bleeds.”

this time his mouth twitched up, “only if you can hit them.”

you moved as a mirrored pair. you fired, he threw. you both dodged— the slightest brush against your shoulder had you snapping your head to the side. you had been perfectly pinned to the wall, two knives stuck against in your shirt sleeves, pinning the fabric of your shirt to the brick wall so you hands were on either side of your head. he hissed, looking down at the faintest tear in his suit and the barely bleeding cut in his side.

there was laughter as he glanced at the blood that had come off on his hand. he was smiling— really smiling. and it was just as lethal as you had imagined.

“you know… i kind of like you.”

“you are much more fun than the usual…”

he glanced at each of your outstretched arms, almost amused. as he approached you, you felt your stomach twist. he was perfectly calm. his face held no malice or anger or even that twisted look men often got when they thought they had the upper hand over you. he stopped inches from you and you met his eyes with a cool collectedness that was just as off putting as he was.

“i never miss... i can’t.”

“do you want a sticker?”

there was that laugh again. twisted and slightly off— it was almost dizzying. “if i wanted to kill you, i would have hit you.”

“i’m not going to thank you.”

“oh, i wouldn’t want you to…”

he was so close. so intense… so…consuming. almost magnetic. there was a static in the air between you. an energy that buzzed like a powerline. it was thick and heavy and filled with the promise of something looming. like the sky before a storm, hair standing up before the strike of lightning. the earth warning of a horrible collision. a dangerous mixture in the air that created a rare, lethal phenomenon…

then, as if the world tilted and threw you back on your feet right before you fell, he had his hands on both sides of you. you flinched in a way that made your heart race. his arms were outstretched to keep that minuscule space between you. he tore the knives out of the bricks that pinned you to the wall behind you. you had your gun loaded and drawn again in a second, pointed at him.

he was remarkably calm— that may have been the most terrifying thing about him. he was still smiling, looking impressed— looking like he was enjoying himself.

“take it off.”

a grin. devilish and devestating.

“you first.”

“i have the gun.”

another smirk, head tilting slightly, “so you do…”

he stepped closer, until the gun was directly against his chest. your breath caught, head spinning slightly. he was terrifying. he was insane… he held his hands up, similar to how he had had them pinned, now smirking like he was looking forward to whatever happened next. you cocked the gun but found yourself no longer wanting to pull the trigger. his mouth twitched, not moving an inch aside from the slow, relaxed rising and falling of his chest.

you reached forward and still he didn’t so much as flinch. your hand gripped the mask and you pulled it off his head. it was a gesture that seemed entirely too intimate— it should have been rough, he should have fought you—

instead he just smirked. he didn’t even move to stop you. his eyes were locked onto you in a look that almost made your knees buckle. instead of the twisted stairs you had always gotten from men, his eyes were lit with something deeper— a desire. not a hunger, not a dark intention— there was pure intensity and a startling clarity in his eyes. and they were brown. a soft brown, deep enough to get lost in.

he still smirked, hands still in the air like he had no intention— or even thought- of ever trying anything. he was dazzling. striking in a way that was almost impossible.

“you next?”

oh, he was fun…

“maybe next time, poindexter. or do you prefer bullseye?”

he stiffened just slightly. he hadn’t realized you knew who he was. you had recognized him… you knew him. you really saw him. his mouth curved up again, eyes shifting over you in a way that almost felt invasive. so much intensity…

“don’t look so excited, gorgeous. people only ever get to see my face once…”

this seemed to only excite him more. his tongue flashed over his lips just once and your stomach rolled. he was dangerous. he was lethal…

movement caught your peripheral seconds before a gun went off. you threw your arm out and tackled bullseye hard enough to knock you both into the opposite wall. you felt the bullet fly past your ear and hit directly where he had been standing. bullseye threw out his hand and a knife sailed through the air, sinking into the roof sniper’s chest and sending him tumbling onto the ground, dead. his eyes were on you, though. you didn’t think he had taken his eyes off you once— even to throw the knife.

he was transfixed.

he was bewildered.

he was obsessed…

you gritted your teeth against the so called food between your teeth. it was gritty and burnt and everything there had made you nauseous. you had grown to hate the color orange and you hated shared living spaces even more. nothing here was organized or damn near sterile and as the days passed, you began to feel yourself slip.

you had been allowed to keep the dog tags. they sat around your neck like a phantom hug. the first night here you had tried to escape. the second night here, you had attacked your guard. now, three weeks in, you were put on suicide watch. you knew it was matt’s doing. you knew he had done it as your brother, not your lawyer. you had been allowed to keep the dog tags because everyone learned you would never risk breaking them…

twice a week, matt would visit. he would talk. you would listen, each time looking less and less like yourself while a hallow and haunted expression took over. he would update you on dex. as if you hadn’t had access to news…

“you’re only held here until trial.”

“you can still take everything back…”

there would be no trial.

you had confessed fully.

“he isn’t going to be sentenced for almost a year. by then, we can—“

“matthew.”

you put a hand up and exhaled, not wanting to do this today. you were more tired than usual. you started to wonder if maybe this place would be your undoing…

it had been a month. a full month without dex. a full month without foggy… a month since you had confessed and dex had been kept in custody.

“you should have represented him.”

the look on matt’s face was thoroughly amusing. as if it had been hard for him to argue for someone who had been all but proven guilty. because he knew you cared about him— and yet he still hadn’t understood.

you let out a laugh and wondered if today would be the day you finally snapped. “murdock, face the wall.” you glanced to the door and felt an anger in your chest. they had booked you as murdock. you were called murdock or a number. not even your new name— the name you had chosen to take— the name on the marriage license, the name you carried with you like it meant everything.

“good news, miss murdock. you’re moving.”

matt had stood to his feet, clearly uninformed, “what— but she can’t go in general pop, she’s dangerous. she’s—“

“she’s going to a psych ward. between her violent tendencies and her desire to harm herself, she is too high risk here. judge just cleared it.”

“what, but—“

“mister murdock, i thought you wanted your sister kept out of prison. and this prison is surely no place to grow a baby—“

the pen you had tucked up your sleeve clattered to the ground in a sharp inhale. your own heart beat was all you felt in your head— louder and more overwhelming than the fights that broke out at night—

“what?” you didn’t recognize your own voice.

“she’s…” there was another look you had never seen from matt before. it was disgust. it was horror. it was pity… it was betrayal. “she’s with child?”

“i assumed she knew… i figured she had told you—“

your heart was beating incredibly fast and your legs suddenly couldn’t hold your weight. you stumbled forward and it was matt who caught you. you could feel his own pulse as your hand closed around his wrist. he was panicking. he had never been caught off guard so much—

“well, congratulations, miss murdock… i truly wish you the best.”

your vision blacked out and the last thing you felt was matt catching you just before you hit the ground.

“you’re smiling. who died?” foggy eyed you skeptically, the slightest smirk on his face.

you glanced at him with an incredulous smile, rolling your eyes slightly. this seemed to only encourage him more and you shifted to look at him as he continued, “the fact that you’re here at all nearly gave me a heart attack.”

“it hasn’t been that long…”

“a year. i think it was matt’s last birthday… i haven’t seen you since…..” he trailed off and your chest constricted.

well, shit.

“did i hear something about you having a date?”

you gripped the glass of wine too tightly, eyeing foggy with raised eyebrows, “sorry? no. still no time— or desire– for that. perhaps you heard karen say matt always wished i had a date. found a nice man. settled down… whatever the hell that means.” your heart ached just at saying his name. you never talked about him… you had no one to talk to him about. sometimes in the quiet of your apartment you would just say his name so you didn’t forget the feeling. so wherever he was, he knew you would never forget him— would never feel completely whole ever, now.

“still um…” foggy gestured to the city outside vaguely.

you quirked your lip up, “doing my vigilante shit?”

“off the record, of course…”

“well of course, mister nelson.”

it has always been easier with foggy. he was less intense. less skeptical, less critical… he had known you since college— while he was in law school with matt and you were causing trouble on the streets and crashing in their apartment too drunk or too high or too beat up to make it home… he was almost a friend, if someone like you could have those… deserved those…

you walked home that night with your shoulders lighter but feeling a weight in your stomach. part of you longed for something else. a normalcy. friendships that didn’t involve hiding what you did at night or hoping all the blood was scrubbed off your hands and clothes as you met for drinks. you paused at the crosswalk, feeling a shift in the evening.

you squared your shoulders and steadied your breathing, turning your head just enough to listen behind you. the footsteps stopped when you did– your hand reached for your gun as you heard the rustling of a jacket.

you turned. and you should have been more worried when you saw who stood behind you. wearing his civilian clothes and not the usual red suit you saw him in. he was staring at you like you had been following him.

“who was he?”

“if you’re going to keep following me, you could at least do it quietly.”

poindexter’s mouth twitched into that damn smirk and you watched him step closer. he was only slightly less intimidating out of the suit— you couldn’t see the curve of his muscles or how he stretched the suit out much more than matt had—

“who was your date?”

you inclined an eyebrow, smirking, “are you jealous special agent poindexter?”

“i’m actually not fbi anymore… i was a bit–” he tilted his head, “unpredictable”

your mouth twitched up into a smile. unpredictable, unstable, untrustworthy… everything you usually put down. yet somehow you seemed drawn to him. “i knew that. what happened to the suit?”

“i only wear it when i’m told to.” but his heart was pounding erratically. you kept tabs on him just as much as he did you— you knew. you had actually taken the time to find things out about him— his mind raced and to him it may as well have been a marriage proposal.

“what does wilson fisk want with daredevil?”

dex looked surprised— almost guilty— but impressed. he stuck his hands in his pockets and stepped closer, “answer my question first.” he didn’t seem threatening. you should have been on higher alert— your guard up, your weapon ready—

“it wasn’t a date… just dinner with a friend.”

“i thought you didn’t have friends.”

“i don’t… foggy is different.”

“your lawyer friend…”

“we go way back.”

“sounds like something you would say about someone you dated…”

“sounds like bullseye is jealous…”

he almost smiled.

a full month of running into him oh so casually. as if he hadn’t been keeping tabs on you. as if he didn’t follow you around in his free time and obnoxiously interrupt fights you got yourself into while the rest of the city slept.

“if you follow me home again, i might have to take a warning shot at you.”

“i truly think that would have the complete opposite effect on me that you would hope for… can’t let people know you’re into me following you home?”

your mouth twitched and you chose to ignore his first comment, though your face lit up like a tomato, “can’t let people know i have an obsessive guard dog who used to be fbi and now works for one of the most dangerous men in the city.”

this time he did smile and it still rattled your very soul, “you didn’t say obsessive like it was a bad thing… and you aren’t supposed know about that.” he almost sounded sorry.

“i don’t think i’m supposed to be anywhere near you either… and yet—“

“can i walk you home?”

“you would anyway.”

he didn’t argue.

“at least this time walk next to me, not behind me.”

dex was smiling as he joined your side, falling in perfect stride with you. he walked with a lightness that did not become someone so deadly and dangerous. he looked at you with the softness of a lover, not someone who could kill you before you even blinked.

every time he had run into you, he had no business being anywhere near you. the second time you met him you had almost shot at him. the third, you had nearly stabbed him. he hadn’t stopped you either time… the fifth time you ran into him— while he caught you from being ran over in the middle of the street, he had mentioned you would be even more lethal if people saw your face. you had never taken your mask off near him. you had never shown him your face. you asked him how long he had been following you, with his arms pinned behind his back, while he just grinned. he could have stopped you from restraining him. he could have killed you with a single flick of his wrist— but he never stopped you. he never fought back. he enjoyed every second of it…

“why didn’t you stop me? you knew i was following you for weeks… you didn’t say anything.”

you stopped outside your building, glancing up at him with a tired smile. you said nothing. dex leaned in closer, “what?”

your mouth twitched up, “if i answer that, i may sound just as insane as you.”

this intrigued him all the more.

“come sit with me.”

this nearly sent him into cardiac arrest.

“are you inviting your stalker into your home? that’s a terrible idea… probably the worst one you’ve ever had…”

you smiled and dex felt his chest constrict.

“no… i’m inviting you onto the roof.” you pulled down the fire escape ladder and he followed you without a word. without possibly thinking it was a trap, that you could be luring him to his death… he would follow you straight there regardless— with that same damn smirk.

you sat on the edge of the roof, feet dangling off the edge as if there was a net to catch you. “it’s lonely.”

dex looked at you perplexed, thinking he had misheard you.

“that’s why i don’t stop you. i like the company…”

like the sun accompanies the moon. or like a bullet accompanying a gun… backwards. like opposing magnets facing each other but not quite meeting.

“oh,” it came out quiet. softer. dex considered this for a moment. his feet swung gently back and forth and he lost himself in thought. you knew the look of overthinking well. never having anything to stop it or drown it out—

you nudged him back to reality and he breathed, “okay.” that was it. he had accepted that answer— liked the way you said it…

he came by almost every night. sometimes as himself. sometimes as bullseye. sometimes as daredevil… sometimes as an exhausted man who had never had anything remotely like what he deserved. every part of him you sat with, never looking at him differently if he carried himself a little tighter or looked more spread thin. he could be covered in blood but assure you it wasn’t his. he would have a black eye and busted lip and you would just sit with him, bringing him ice or a damp cloth. you would sit for hours— shoulder to shoulder but not quite touching. sometimes you wouldn’t talk— other times you would see just how much you could provoke him before he said something stupid…

it was nice. it was terrifying.

you liked that he had no filter. he was obsessed with everything about you. he would say something horrifying with a straight face and you wouldn’t look at him differently— you would just nod and say you saw his point. that was the final straw for him— you weren’t scared of him. you didn’t look at him like he was insane or broken… you just accepted him. you listened. you almost seemed to…like him.

“what if i was jealous? that night…” he said one night when the city was finally sleeping.

“what if i wanted you to be?”

there was that smirk again. his eyes lit up, sparkling with something intoxicating and surely a very bad idea. he just looked at you, like he was solving a case, like he was reading a file.

“i was wrong, by the way…”

you inclined your head, waiting.

“you are a threat…”

you shifted slightly, almost reaching for your gun.

dex laughed softly and you relaxed only slightly, though that should have put you even more on edge. a twisted part of you could easily fall for this man— but you still didn’t trust him. not fully. not yet. but you didn’t hate him. so far from it… and that scared you more than everything about benjamin poindexter’s past.

“oh, you’re terrifying.” his voice had dropped slightly, almost rasping now, “i think you could just about bring me to my knees without even moving a muscle.”

oh.

“and you know what—“ there was that disbelieving, amused laugh again, “i think i would let you.”

wherever you were, it was sterile. but it held no softness or warmth. it could never be your apartment or anywhere he was… it was too cold. the lights were too bright. and when you opened your eyes, matt was watching you once again. the handcuffs were gone. you still wore your orange jumpsuit, but there was pajamas folded neatly beside you.

“are you just babysitting me full time now?”

matt sat with his back against the wall and you knew he was eyeing you with a pity look, even under his glasses.

“don’t pity me.”

“i’m not.”

he was.

“is it his?”

his, as if his name was taboo. or a filthy word he couldn’t bring himself to say.

“if you mean dex…”

“you know exactly who i mean.”

you smirked despite the situation, hand resting on your stomach that held proof that you were still capable of good, “yes. it’s his… i’m not one for polygamy, matthew.”

“ah, how noble for a murderer…”

your mouth twitched, “i would bite anyone else’s head off…”

“so of course you find someone worse…”

“he’s good…”

matt snorted and you glared at him.

“you think you love him… whatever he’s-“

“matt.” you let your hand fall on your stomach and sighed, “i—“

matt sighed, shaking his head and holding his finger up in a way that had always meant you were done talking, “bringing in a baby— that just complicated everything… but it may work out for you.”

you wanted to laugh. actually you wanted to cry— with all the chaos and destruction in your life you had never once considered this a possibility. it had never crossed your mind to be even be something to ever think about— there was a sick sort of twisting in your stomach. you and dex were never what you would consider careful— even still- this seemed like a cruel joke. for him to not be here…

to not know—

to have created something purely good.

“i want to talk to him.”

you knew matt would argue. you knew he would try to talk you out of it— to convince you that he was the absolute last thing you needed and that your baby would be better off as far as possible—

“okay.”

the fight seemed to snap back into your very soul. you looked at him, blinked once. daring him to repeat himself in case you misheard him.

“i’ll get you a phone call. i can’t promise anything else…”

your stomach twisted, heart fluttering as a softness settled around you.

“matt—“

you grabbed his hand as he stood up. he looked surprised— almost startled. your grip was soft, hand shaking just slightly, “thank you…”

he nodded once, sighing.

“please keep him safe…”

“i’ll do what i can…”

“matt.” your tone was pleading and matt seemed to fight the urge to pull you in for a hug.

“i need to pay him a visit anyway.”

there were tears in your eyes now, though you weren’t completely sure why. something about the way he was still here. still looking out for you— his damned loyalty now that there was a baby involved…

“you’re going to be a damn uncle…”

you almost laughed. because really, that was the most ridiculous part about all of this. somehow… after everything. you had still been given this one thing. this gift… this flicker of some sort of normal future.

matt said nothing, but you didn’t miss the smile on his face as he turned for the door.

you knew something was wrong before you had even unlocked your door. something had broken even before you saw the broken dishes, and the usual quiet of the apartment was tainted— there was a heaviness, a darkness. you turned the light on and your eyes found him before your brain could even process the shattered plates—

“dex.”

he was somewhere else entirely. he sat on the floor, knees to his chest, wide eyed at absolutely nothing— breath ragged and labored, made evident by his shirtless form that was soaked in sweat.

“dex…” you dropped anything you had in your hand and closed the door. hard enough to maybe snap him out of it.

it didn’t.

you cursed softly, crossing the apartment in a remarkably small amount of steps. he looked so…broken. nothing like himself. your stomach twisted and you put a hand out, timidly— as if reaching for a dog with a tendency to bite.

“benjamin— dex… hey—“

your hand on his knee drew his gaze to you. you took a shaky breath, keeping your eyes locked on him. “hey…” you felt stupidly relieved that he was coherent.

dex opened his mouth to respond, but all that came out was a shaky breath. he was shaking. eyes glossy like he had been crying. his eyes were bloodshot, his expression almost void aside from the haunted look that you knew you would never forget. you had never seen him like this— not really. he had always had swings. he would overthink and spiral for hours. you knew his triggers by now— you had always been there to talk him down. to sit with him while he relived everything in silence.

“dex.”

his gaze was on the wall again— there was a hole that hadn’t been there. he looked guilty— he looked like he hated himself for it. for a brief moment you had a vision of him running. getting as far from you as he could in case he hurt you too.

“can you stand up?”

his eyes were vacant again, glossy, slowly drifting to you. you saw recollection strike him— a clarity washed over him as he looked up at you like he had just woken up from a heavy sleep that left him disoriented and lost.

“dex…” you shifted so you knelt between his legs. his expression softened slightly, realizing you were here.

“hey—“ he had tried to find that smirk. he had tried to find that tone that made everything suggestive or seductive. but his voice shook and his tone was uneven and cracked.

“i’m here… you’re okay.”

he shifted closer to you instinctively.

“look at me.”

this was a softness you had never had a use for. your voice carried further than it should have. it seemed to carry through the apartment and sink deep into dex’s own chest. he lifted his head, eyes locked onto you like you were an anchor. you didn’t move, hand still on his knee with a steady pressure that proved you were there. he had needed you there— more than you realized… he couldn’t be alone. he shouldn’t be alone…

“i’m sorry.”

you shouldn’t have just left him.

it was only supposed to be twenty four hours.

you realized just then how much he really was like yourself. you should never be alone. you were always alone… always surrounded with your too loud thoughts that carried and ricocheted around the room like bullets.

dex breathed deeply and it sounded like a shattered cry. you shifted closer, until all he could feel was you. you had never been this close to him… you had never been this close to anyone. even a hug from matt felt nothing like this level of intimacy. “eyes on me. don’t go wandering off on me…” dex tilted his head back just slightly so he was eye level with you. you felt the air rush out of your lungs and your stomach twisted uncomfortably. there was something in the space between you. the opposing magnets were now on your backs— pushing you forward. someone was on a diving board, propelling you to jump in way over your head.

“i’m sorry…”

he almost sounded like himself.

“no.”

you racked your brain for anything of help. grounding exercises, breathing patterns— things that helped with a panic attacks but of no help when dex was completely lost in his own mind.

“hey.”

you took both of his hands and he didn’t flinch. he didn’t flinch… you hadn’t touched him like this since the night you stitched him up. brushes of shoulders and occasional boosts during fights— nothing like this. nothing so electric.

“focus on me… okay? i’m right here.”

dex nodded, eyes softening, locked onto you like he would drown if he looked away. slowly, you lowered his hands onto your own shoulders and you watched his breathing deepen. his arms trembled slightly but it had nothing to do with his mind now… a clarity struck him and it was the most terrifying look you had ever seen. he looked like he wanted to swallow your soul— like he could see every inch of you suddenly. he had tears in his eyes and you said nothing. you didn’t move, your pulse hammering erratically under your ribs. his hand moved from your shoulder, sliding down your sides in a way that made your eyes close. he took your own hands, removing them from his knees and placing them on his own shoulders.

oh.

you reminded yourself to breathe. steady. even. like this was an interrogation.

every nerve in your body seemed to freeze— anticipating, on fire, frantic with the weight of the moment.

“dex…”

he wasn’t breathing. he had no idea what to do with you in his arms. he was scared to move. scared to twitch muscle— terrified he would break you. terrified you would become like the plates or the wall— like he wouldn’t be able to carefully handle you… like he would break the thing he had come to need so much…

your words were a ghost against his ear, “i can take it. it’s okay.”

he pulled you against him like a predator pounding on prey. it was sudden and all encompassing. every nerve in your body was set off— your arms wrapped around him like they had meant to be there all along. you felt his shoulders shake. you felt his face bury against your shoulder, pulling you closer desperately, even though there was no room between you. he was crying. you knew he was… his fists tightened around the fabric of your shirt like he hated himself for it. like he was restraining himself— trying to stop himself… to pull himself together.

he had never been held like this. you had never held anyone like this… like you meant it. like you were the sole thing keeping him together… his breath was hot against your neck as he breathed you in entirely. you realized like a startling splash of water that you were holding him together. he had never had this. you had never wanted this before… your fingers slid from his shoulders up the back of his neck and into his hair.

the groan that rattled through him was visceral. it had awoken something inside him that he hadn’t known was deep in slumber. your fingers raked gently through his hair and he breathed out like it hurt. he was shaking more now, head falling heavier against you as if he couldn’t physically keep it together.

“i’ve got you, dex. i can take it…”

your words seemed to shatter him completely. then rebuild him. he buried himself against you and you swore he almost purred as you twisted strands of his hair between your fingers. you gave him the faintest tug and there was another animalistic groan.

oh.

“you can let go… it’s okay.”

you didn’t mean let go of you.

there was a shaky breath as he fought to restrain himself. he was shaking, trembling like he was about to come undone. your finger shifted to the back of his head again, tracing circles through his hair. your other hand dipped between his shoulders, rubbing his back in a way that felt natural.

he shifted his head just slightly, nose brushing against your neck in a way that set you on fire. and then, just as if you imagined it, his teeth grazed the skin of your throat.

your body reacted before your mind had processed it. a tidal wave crashed through you as fire spread through your nerves. you swore you felt his smirk against you as he shifted just slightly, hot breath trailing across your neck, to your collarbone. you breathed out shakily, grip tightening on his shoulders until your nails dug in slightly. his exhale sounded like a growl and when he dropped his head again it was with more intention. his mouth closed around your throat, tongue sliding down to your collarbone, where he bit down again, harder.

he was making sure it stuck. teeth marks, marks from sucking on your skin. he was marking you… claiming you. and you didn’t stop him.

benjamin poindexter was already smirking when matt entered the room. it was like he knew something matt didn’t. it was like he always knew he had the upper hand despite being the one in handcuffs… matt was always unsettled by him. he hated him but there was something visceral in it— he never knew what he would do next. he never knew just how far he would go, absolutely unprovoked…

“good afternoon, councilor.”

“don’t bullshit me, dex.”

his mouth twitched again, “what can i do for you?” there was that tone again— matt was visibly on edge. the polite words coated with a tone void of all emotion.

“she’s going to take the fall for you.”

his posture tightened. he froze. his infuriating smirk slipped and he actually looked capable of emotion—

“she said that she did all of it. everything you did was because she ordered it. she’ll get the death penalty for this— she–“

dex’s knuckles closed around the table. his jaw was tight, his shoulders rigid. “so what… you’re a good lawyer.” his voice betrayed his act of not caring.

“there’s nothing i can do now. she confessed on camera. there’s no jury in the world that will let her walk…”

“why… why would she do that…”

“you tell me! what the he’ll do you have on her? what kind of hold—“

dex laughed, bitterly and pitifully. “i told her to run. i told her to get as far away from me as possible…” he let his head fall back and shook his head, “always so damn stubborn… god, she wouldn’t listen for a damn thing… she knew what she was doing… goddamn her. i told her from the beginning— and i always fucking protected her—“

“no one protected her from you. if i would have known—“

“it was her idea…” dex’s voice was soft– almost fond. it made matt’s hair stand up, every sense of his dialed to eleven and a heavy uneasiness settled over him.

“what was her idea— not foggy—“

“the marriage.”

dex smirked at the look of shock on matt’s face. the way his body tensed and he was thrown completely off kilter.

“what…”

dex smirked further, leaning forward with a smug expression, “she didn’t tell you… did you think we just hooked up a few times? formed some sort of sick and twisted…. well- maybe we did.”

matt’s jaw clenched, mouth twitching, fists clenching as he fought for restraint.

“you’re lying.”

“i’m not. i don’t get off on lying to people… the truth always seems so much more shocking…”

“you’re— prove it. how do i know you’re not just running some scheme? not just using her for—“

“you can go get the marriage license. i thought the words and dog tags were good enough but she wanted to be all official…”

“the dog tags—“

dex looked matt over as if gaging his next move. matt looked torn between rage and denial– debating if he should fight or flee.

“why are you here?”

“i thought you should know. thought maybe you should care that your wife is taking your sentencing.”

matt didn’t miss the rise in dex’s pulse. he didn’t miss the anxious grinding of his teeth. he was putting on a front but matt couldn’t see the way his nails dug into the palms of his hand until there was blood. his hands shook, his control slowly diminishing.

“this is on you. she begged me to save you… she demanded it, frankly. i don’t understand what she’s doing with a psychopath like you but—“

this time dex did smile— grinning like he had won a fight. this was something they agreed on. “do what you have to do. but once she sets her mind to something, there’s no changing it…”

“like picking you.”

“like when she held a loaded gun to my head because i was going to kill you.”

matt froze. dex watched the gears in his mind spin, processing—

“what?”

“she was going to shoot me in the head. protecting you… i would have let her.”

matt just stared— saying nothing, head tilted slightly as if listening for the lie.

you had—

dex’s heartbeat never changed. the only time he had ever heard it increase was when you were in the room or you were brought up. god damn him…

benjamin poindexter was his fucking brother in law.

“i can get you a phone call.” a single act of grace before he tried to put this all on him again, “she has news.”

dex’s heartbeat increased again and matt hesitated. he actually did care for you— even if he would watch the world burn just for something to do…

“is she okay?”

there was genuine concern in his voice— a softness. he would worry about you. he would sit and stew awaiting the news— he would spiral and likely do something reckless.

“she’s pregnant.”

“do you know any women you want gotten rid of?”

you stopped dead as you fried and egg and turned, slowly, taking dex in as if you had misheard him.

“good morning? sorry— what?”

dex was not fully dressed yet, which meant something was bothering him. you eyed him quizzically, removing the pan off the burner.

“i need a date. but it has to be someone i can neutralize afterward so they don’t talk.”

“i—“ you set the plate down harder than you had meant to and dex flinched, “excuse me? you need a date? you’re planning on asking some woman out?”

dex froze, realizing his grave mistake.

“oh, no— it’s not like that—“

you eyed the knife near the butter dish and glanced at dex expectantly, waiting for him to talk. your eyes promised that you were not asking.

“it’s something i don’t want you anywhere near.”

“sounds very loyal and monogamous…” your tone was sarcastic but your voice held an edge.

dex’s mouth twitched up, “you’re jealous.”

you glared at him furiously.

his smile only grew as he stood up, “you are jealous. please, sweetheart. it isn’t like i’m going to pay her any attention.”

“who the hell is her?”

his eyes flashed and you were horrified to realize he was enjoying this. he was getting off on you being jealous over him. that you actually couldn’t bare the thought of someone else on his arm or giving him eyes, even if it was completely one sided and would result in her unfortunate demise.

you wanted him. you had actually been driven slightly insane of the thought of someone else with him. he was grinning. that twisted smile that effected you in all the wrong ways.

he crossed the apartment and stopped just in front of you, leaning in slightly until your breath hitched and you were sure he could feel your pulse. you braced yourself for his body against you— the roaming hands, the heavy grip, the hunger that never seemed to be placated —

and he grabbed his coffee mug and gave you a wicked smirk as he drank from it.

you blinked once, staring at him as if he was next on your hit list. “i’m going with you.”

“i don’t want you attached to this.”

“i don’t give a fuck. i’m going.”

dex had irritated you now and that seemed to amuse him even further. he watched you cross the room— away from him- eyes still trailing your every movement.

“are you upset with me?”

he could always tell with you. with other people he guessed, trying to understand why they possibly felt the way they did— until he had met you when love and obsession mixed together to form this twisted relationship between you that wasn’t entirely healthy, but seemed to be the only thing keeping you both living.

you crossed the kitchen with a huff, glancing over your shoulder with a look of disgust. dex straightened his shoulders and followed you across the room with his eyes, “are you—“ you disappeared into your room and slammed the door. dex cursed, but he had the faintest smirk on his face as if he was very much amused by this. he stepped into your— and also his, at this point— room, not at all stopped by the slammed door or your glare.

“you’re angry with me.”

you were digging through your closet, grunting in response. all that seemed to do was encourage dex, as if you being jealous and mad at him was the greatest thing to ever happen to him. he followed you into the closet, standing behind you in silence. his chest was pressed against your back and you tensed. dex smirked again, lowering his head just slightly until his breath was on your neck, “i suppose if we’re doing the silent treatment, you won’t mind if i keep my mouth occupied elsewhere…”

you inhaled sharply, cursing the way your body reacted to him. you closed your eyes, hands pausing their sifting through your clothes. dex placed a single, open mouthed kiss against your neck, “sorry you were jealous…”

sorry you were jealous. not sorry for making you jealous. not—

you turned quickly and put your hand against his face; kiss he was about to give you hitting your open palm. dex was smirking as he pulled away, glancing at you from over your hand innocently.

“would you like to accompany me?”

you scoffed, turning your back to him again.

“do you own a dress? i think i’ve only seen you in clothes that provide adequate stretch and agility.”

he knew he was pushing you now. dex though it was fun to provoke you— make it so you gave him that irritated glare that could never fully reach anger.

“i happen to own several. just because you have never seen me in them, doesn’t mean they don’t exist.”

dex’s fingers twitched, jaw clenching slightly.

ah ha.

that had done it…

“show me.”

you smirked to yourself— no matter what, he would always be easier to get to. it took almost nothing to make him jealous or possessive or over protective.

“show me.”

there was a desperation in his voice now, an almost plead.

you turned slowly, looking him up and down, “patience, benjamin… one might think you’re desperate.”

“do you want me to beg? it’s not as if i haven’t before…”

you smirked again, adjusting the collar of his shirt. maybe you did. maybe you enjoyed that. maybe you had earned it…

“fine.” you pulled out a black dress that had proven very useful in the past. “but i expect you to look pretty too…” you patted dex’s cheek with a suggestive smirk and all dex could manage in response was a low, pathetic growl.

your hand shook as you lifted the phone to your ear. matt was watching you with an expression caught somewhere between fear and pity— he wouldn’t put it past you to say something to send dex on a murder spree or give him the motivation to break out.

“hey…” you couldn’t fight the tears in your eyes at the shaky voice on the other end. it had been months. you weren’t supposed to show emotion. you weren’t supposed to react or do anything that would make it so he would be used against you— but you couldn’t help it. you missed him. you needed him… you wanted nothing more than to see him and make sure he hadn’t completely lost control in his time away from you, trapped with his thoughts.

“are you okay?”

“i’m— i’m….” worn down, exhausted, slowly breaking… worried about the stage of this baby that didn’t deserve to be brought into any of this–

dex’s voice shook on the other end and you but your lip to stop from crying. you blamed the baby, but really, dex had always held you together. it was twisted and backwards, but he was the one who always made it bareable. liveable….

“how’s….” there was almost a disbelieving laugh there, “how’s our baby?” your heart swelled and then sank, making your stomach twist in a wave of nausea.

“she….he… it’s okay… it’s…” it’s ours.

“she? you said she first…”

“i don’t know… it isn’t just an it…”

you could almost hear him smiling.

“matt told you…”

“i might have stabbed him if he didn’t.”

this you did laugh at slightly, hand on your stomach like you could feel the baby moving. you could imagine it— part of you itched for that day. hand on your stomach, tea mug in your hand, leaning back against dex’s chest in a house far away from all of this…

“are you okay?”

“don’t worry about me.”

“dex—“

“they got me on meds… the councilor got me an insanity deal… i’m in a goddamn padded room. or it feels like it— but i’m not…. i’m not alone. they have me…bettering myself.”

“good.” you fought the urge to cry in relief. he was out of prison— he wasn’t alone… his own mind would kill him. you smiled against the phone, closing your eyes as if imagining it wasn’t between you.

“i’m not really—“

the line clicked and hummed with the tone of a dead signal.

“dex?”

the line was dead.

that hadn’t been five minutes—

“no…. no—“

matt was there, then. one hand on your forehead, pulling you in for a hug you hadn’t realized you needed. your arms wrapped around him and you cried into his stomach like you were ten years old again.

“i’m sorry…” his hand smoothed your hair, holding you tightly like he knew you were about to break apart, “i’m sorry. i’m so sorry…” matt repeated it like a prayer while you just clung to him in a desperate, futile attempt to get yourself back together.

the ledge you had talked him down from tonight had been different. this one was almost literal— as he stood with shaking hands with his hand around his own throat.

“dex.”

his tearful eyes met yours, shaking his head slightly, “i can’t…. i can’t get it out of my head— the things….. the things i did– the things i sometimes want to do…”

you had debated calling matt just for something drastic. he could take him in— he could almost beat him…

“we have both done fucked up things. we may never make up for them…” your words came without much register to what you were saying.

“no— no. you never worked for him! you never—“

“dex, you had nothing to hold on to. he gave you purpose… he put you on a pedestal and praised your every move… you were like a stray dog… attaching to the first hand that tossed you food.”

dex’s eyes were still on you, jaw clenched and hands shaking as if in a fight with himself, “you…. you knew what i did. you knew that i—“

“you needed something, dex. i saw it in you the first time i met you… you were searching. for purpose, for a reason, for anyone who would see you as something more than a weapon.”

his breath faltered and his grip around his throat loosened only slightly.

“you know something…” you fought the urge to rush towards him as his fingers twitched, “i never could bring myself to go through with it… i never miss. i can’t. yet i couldn’t fucking go through with it. it’s like i’m waiting… waiting for someone to step in. to stop me… to care enough to fucking— they never did. not once…”

you had tears in your eyes now, watching him with an expression you couldn’t hide, “dex…”

“it’s like maybe i just should, then… maybe i am irredeemable and past saving… i should just take myself off the board since no one else is strong enough or good enough to do it…”

you bit your lip to stop a sob, “no. no… don’t say that. if you’re not worth saving, then i have no chance…”

“you?” his expression softened, head tilting slightly, clarity returning momentarily, “you don’t even compare… you’re so good. too good to me… too kind to me… you’re so fucking beautiful. and i don’t see myself ever deserving you…”

“don’t you fucking leave me.” this time it came out as a sob, “my brother is dead. you are all i have!”

his eyes widened slightly, taking a step back and lowering his hands. he didn’t fully believe you yet… he still knew you would be better without him.

“i need you. please god, you can’t do this. if you go, then—“ your voice shook as more tears fell, “then i have nothing… there’s nothing tethering me to sanity or humanity… i just— i… i need you. okay? please… please don’t leave me here… please don’t take yourself away from me— i–“

when you nearly collapsed under the weight of grief, dex was there. he had stumbled forward to catch you, now shaking more than he had been. his eyes were wide, staring past you like his own mind wouldn’t let him believe it.

“your north star…” you breathed out shakily, clinging to dex like he may disappear if you loosened your hold even a little, “you said you needed it…. you said you would always look for it—“

“it’s you…” his voice was hallow, as if confessing it was condemning you to death, “it’s you. but i don’t deserve you. and you shouldn’t have to—“

“no.” your fists tightened around the collars of his shirt, “let me… let me be your north star. please… let me hold you together and tether you and— please, god- if it keeps you here… i just need you to stay here….”

dex eyed you like he had been shot— not believing it, but feeling the impact, “i’m not…. i’m not a good man. i can’t…. i can’t help you be better. i can’t…. i’m not like…” matt. he wouldn’t say his name.

“i don’t care. i don’t fucking care, dex… i don’t want good or a moral compass… i just— i want you. i need you. please let that be enough…”

dex kissed you like he was scared of you. fingers tentative and gentle, like he was defusing a bomb. like maybe he had made you up and his touch would cause you to evaporate like smoke. you didn’t disappear under his touch— you kissed him back like you had been waiting years. and dex melted into your touch, body coiled tightly beneath you, flush against you like he needed to crawl in your skin. heavy and desperate and messy… you clung to him like you had no greater need than holding him together.

“marry me…”

his tongue paused against your own, lips slowly pulling back from you, nose still crushed against your own.

“what did you just say?” his tone was like a warning– the way he would laugh before a death sentence.

“marry me. promise me you’ll stay…”

“i—“ his eyes took you in fully, wide and wild, as if now he really was hallucinating.

“i meant all of it. every fucking word…”

“i—“ the world seemed to tilt, his chest constricted as the city around him closed in like a crushed water bottle. he stared at you; horrified and disbelieving and close to spiraling.

“you’re serious.”

it could have been a prank. you could have laughed it off and pushed him off the building and he still would have loved you. he would have thanked you for the wonderful final thought before splattering on the concrete and seeing nothing again. you would have been his final thought. your smile as you mockingly laughed, you standing before him in the morning in only his unbuttoned shirt, you as his wife…

“whatever this is, it isn’t fucking casual. the first night i brought you home i knew you would never leave.”

dex couldn’t feel his legs and wondered if the air on this roof was thinner because of how high up he was—

“marry me, benjamin poindexter… before we both go down and no one remembers us. let me be everything to you. let me be your—“

dex’s lips crashed onto yours again, needier and messier and more desperate than you had ever seen. his fingers closed around the dog tags that you had worn to draw him back- that you kept always, as a reminder of who he was. and who he could be again…

“yes.” dex forced it out between kisses that turned into bites along your neck, as his hand slid down your ribs and grabbed your thigh like he was using it to keep from drowning. he loved you. his very universe rotated around you and of course he would make you a promise. he could keep that promise.

he could stay. for you…

he would stay.

for you.

a month had passed and you were never granted another phone call. matt had updated you on dex— as much as he knew— but started worrying about your mental state. because you were happy. the baby had started to show and where there had been anger, resentment and desperation, there was a peace and excitement.

matt visited almost daily— sometimes in disguise, other times only as daredevil— but a small part of him wondered if this was the new future. a restored relationship, a good, happy future for his sister…

until one visitor changed all of it.

you had stopped breathing when you noticed it was not your usual nurse. immediately, you knew something wasn’t right. you tensed, hands at your side ready to fight, as if the extra size and weight of your belly would be any sort of help—

“good evening, miss murdock— ah, mrs. poindexter. apologies… are you ready for your exam?”

“i’m— yes.”

why was there a man here? you knew his face. you knew— a badge flashed under his jacket and your heart rate leapt. task force. they had finally come for you… what about dex— was he…

no.

you had to worry about yourself. you had to get out of here… to survive—

they wouldn’t kill you. surely not with a baby…

you wanted to scream for matt- surely he would be here any minute. he always came at six pm on tuesdays—

“relax, mrs. poindexter… you’re not in any kind of danger. in fact, someone just wants to talk to you.”

if it was fisk you would kill him yourself.

if it was dex—

you stopped as the door opened. your feet were planted and you were shoved forward so hard you nearly tumbled into the desk and hit your chin. you didn’t bother cursing. you didn’t show a flicker of pain or discomfort. you stared straight ahead. eyes burning into the woman in front of you.

it was not the mayor.

it was not even your therapist—

it was the woman to blame for all of this. for everything…

vanessa fisk.

you stumbled forward with your hand already around the task force’s neck, squeezing and pulling until you heard a crack. the man slumped down, unconscious, as blood soaked your sleeves from his nose. others rushed forward but vanessa raised her hand. she was smiling. as if amused and impressed by your kill.

“impressive, mrs poindexter… truly. especially being out of practice and in your condition…”

your jaw clenched, teeth gritted together like you were holding back a storm.

“i wanted to congratulate you… and apologize.”

you lifted your eyebrows, fury never leaving your face.

“woman to woman, i’m sure you understand… we must protect that which we hold dear… we don’t have a lot of power. but when we get it, we’d best demonstrate it… yes?”

your eyes trailed her as she crossed the room. you flinched instinctively as she reached you. her hand coiled in your hair, twirling it around gently with a tight smile.

“so beautiful… to bring a child into this world.”

her hand dropped to your stomach and you fought a wave of nausea. alarm bells sounded in your head but you just watched her. coiled, tense, ready to strike. you knew you wouldn’t leave the room if you touched her. for the sake of your baby, you didn’t move.

“i’m sorry about benjamin.”

you wanted to tear her head off just for saying his name.

“things were supposed to be different, you see. daredevil wasn’t supposed to be there. he wasn’t supposed to be caught… he could be free and you could be raising your baby in peace… off the radar, name cleared…”

your heart raced, fighting against every instinct that was telling you to run or fight.

“that is why he’s getting out. i let him go… special request, you see. but the problem…is..” her eyes dropped to your swollen stomach and you stepped back, “he isn’t done yet… he isn’t supposed to be happy yet..”

“what are you—“

“so i need you to do something for me.”

you stepped back again, but a solid chest and the arms of a task force agent stopped you, “i need you to never tell him about this…”

“why would—“

her hand moved before you could. a sharp blade into your stomach, long enough to go all the way through you. deep enough to be fatal.

“i apologized.” her voice shook as she tilted the knife just enough to drop you to your knees, “i really am so sorry…” she jerked down, the knife cutting a jagged line down towards your pelvis.

you fought to take a breath, trying to gasp but finding no air. you collapsed on your hands and knees, gasping, watching your own blood pool around your hands. you reached for your stomach— trying to hold it together, keep it in one piece. you stumbled, trying to stand but throwing up instead.

blood covered the floor, your arms shook and failed to hold you up. the door closed behind you and you tried to scream. you tried to stand up. to go after her. to kill her—

you threw up again, the act causing a wave of pain all throughout you. your head spun, your vision darkened. you crawled against the wall, pulling yourself up with the little strength you had left. you glanced down, barely able to cry out at the mess that was your stomach.

there was too much blood—

there was so much blood….

you couldn’t possibly—