It was a strange thing for it now to be over. When their relationship had started, the figments of an idealized person gradually caved to reality. The aspects of Gai that Iruka claimed to be why he loved him became annoyances and embarrassments. The unstoppable beast and chivalrous partner of his dreams was unchanged. But the longer Iruka devoted his time and heart, the less this fantasy appealed to him. Gai fearlessly charging into the face of every danger meant he seldom was around to spend time together. His poetic ideals of dying for an ultimate cause struck a grim reality of how little seemed to compare to that romancing of death.
But if that had been all, Iruka would have parted ways a long time ago. For just as the empire of fantastical dreams had crumbled, what remained was the subtleties of an earnest soul that was beyond what school boy imaginations Iruka could have had. For at the root of every embarrassing public announcement was an immovable sincerity that has warmed Iruka to the core. Gai's time was never idle, and where it was not devoted to his ideation of death, every waking moment was dedicated to others. To Lee, to his team, to his eternal rival, to Iruka. He was kind. And as their relationship progressed, Iruka found himself falling in love all over, perhaps, falling for real. A little backwards, maybe, out of order, probably. But it did not change the way Iruka's gaze always softened when it came upon Gai, despite the flaws that drove him crazy.
Those flaws, however, in the both of them, led them to where they were now; apart. Iruka had sat on the park bench on his winding route home for hours now, drained, eyes puffy, chest hollow. Maybe, if Iruka had tried harder to understand how important dying for a ultimate cause was to Gai, they would still be together. He wouldn't have shouted at him. Wouldn't have cut him off, wouldn't have been so hurt as to burn the bridge to the most beautiful soul he had ever met. But deep down, Iruka knew that even if he had 'done better' it would have resulted in one of two ways; Iruka would either live with a broken heart knowing that Gai would rather die for him rather than live with him, or be alone. And there was only a matter of time before one would lead to the other.
So logical, yet such a hollow comfort to his violently shaking shoulders as dry sobs racked his body where he had no more tears to give. He still has to get to the school house and arrange for a sick day, but he simply had no strength left. This was what he wanted, right? To break it off, to free them both. It was unfair to keep butting heads and demanding the other to change their fundamental ideals, Iruka knew this. But the way his heart bled now made him wish to take everything back anyway, anything to stop the hemorrhage.
It was over. It was the only way, only shot that either of them could find happiness again. Iruka clung to this thought desperately for the little consolation it gave. Hell, maybe it was doomed from the start, living in two different worlds entirely. A shinobi of the battlefield, hardened and living with the ghosts and trauma of their daily strife versus a shinobi behind a desk whose greatest wound was long since healed with time and given new purpose in the soft confines of a little academy and children. Gai's wounds must reopen often. How could he understand him?
Maybe, someone like Kakashi had been truly beat suited all along.
The thought cut deeper than Iruka anticipated, tears springing anew from some unknown place that he didn't know he had left to give. The eternal rival... The comradery, the understanding they must share. How... Delusional, Iruka had been to even think he could compare to THE Copy Cat. Hell, Green Beast, Copy Cat... He should have gotten a clue from the fact that they both have titles honoring their deeds on the battlefield. 'Sensei'... What a pale comparison. He should have seen it, let himself see it long before. Long before he truly fell in love with Gai, before all this mess.
The evening sun passed into darkness, and Iruka was unmoved. He was drained. It was possible he had drifted asleep at some point, only for the sprinkle of morning dew to rouse him and his stiff body. The sun crested over the ridge of mountain faces all looking far beyond someone as small and insignificant as he was. Mechanically, Iruka rose; he was going to be late. He has failed to get a substitute, and frankly was too tired to think of any alternative other than marching his way to the schoolhouse and handling his duties himself. He might have tried harder to put on a brave face, but when he passed a coworker on the way to his classroom, but his command to his face to smile went entirely unanswered, his glum expression startling his fellow instructor. They asked if he was unwell. Iruka said it was nothing a shinobi couldn't handle.
Surely, heartbreak was not fatal. Even if Iruka felt every bit of vitality had drained from him, he was still alive and breathing.
....... And he supposed so long as he had the ability to breathe, there was a future yet. ..... Only.. a future without Gai hardly seemed a future worth living at all. Funny, that.
//A drabble for @lvyeshou
