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apparently i hadnt taken my shot a little too long so i just got my period :( im thinking thats why my emotions have been a little out of whack lately im feeling a little better now just still kind of down and not myself, but hopefully things will continue to improve i hope i matter to someone in my life
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i feel so guilty being the way that i am, why cant i be normal?
this neverending emptiness :(
a text I'm too afraid to send:
2:09 am: if you ever mess someone up the way you fucked with me. Shame on you. No one deserves to go through that, and you don't deserve to have the pleasure of being the one to cause it. Go fuck yourself, because no one else is ever going to want to do it for you once they see how you enjoy tormenting those that trusted you.
This needs to get out of my head I still miss you. So freaking much it's unreal. We met thirteen years ago, thirteen, we were just kids but we were so close and I miss that so much. I'm sorry I never got to say goodbye 10 years ago, it's 10 years since my first fuck up with you. I still feel horrible for it today, and what's worse is I had the chance to make it all right, but no I fucked that up too. Almost 5 years ago now, and guess who turns up as the "new girl". You're back, you're here, I can fix everything and go back to old times now huh? At that moment you stood there staring into my eyes, and I got lost in those beautiful blue eyes of yours, you recognised me, stood there and just hugged me. Perfect moment, no? No because I'm just some shy dorky 11 year old boy and so I just stand there and ruin it all. I mean seriously what does it take just to have hugged you back, why the hell did I just stand there. You then looked back up at me, obviously realising that I was doing nothing back, and that was it. You were gone. We never spoke again, not a word. I moved schools at the end of that year, you'd never guess which asshole didn't say goodbye, or even mention you were leaving. Am I seriously incapable of any kind of interaction with you? And now I sit here thinking how you see this. Do you think I don't care? Do you think I keep leaving because of you? Do you even care? Heck. All I want is to have you back, even just for one day, even if it's just to say I'm sorry and that I miss you. Because I am. And I really do miss you.
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031614@234AM
Idk man I just really fucking want to smoke. I know I shouldn't and I know I have major support systems down at second chance and a few friends and thats why I feel so damn guilty for wanting to smoke. Im gonna start looking for a job and all but im so fucked up that I already know once i get a job and the first paycheck iam GOING to use. I dont really want sobriety this time around because I likethe way I feel on it, just about life in general. Ive been hyper and stuff and act happy but its mostly to hide the sadness im really feeling and I feel so lost with my life and im going no where but I dont want to go to jail again. Idk what to do I just want to smoke and I get that my friends want to keep me clean but they don't know how hard it is. Going from using every day multiple times a day to not using at all especially. I feel pretty alone no matter how much people try to be there for me. And I feel pretty small.
You know, it really fucking annoys me when people judge me by my religion. My religion doesn't define my fucking personality, and how dare you just judge me by that.
