#varinia

Recap (2/2)

The idyllic peace is broken by the arrival of Cilician pirate envoy Tigrantes Levantus (Herbert Lom), who makes a deal with Spartacus to procure the ships for their transit and escape from Italy. Learning now that Rome is sending battalions against the army, he doesn’t have much faith in the army. However, the Romans are underestimating the slave army, and really aren’t taking the whole thing seriously. Definitely a good tactical move, there.

Spartacus agrees, and sends his troops to take out the camp, which is not surrounded by stockades, and therefore unprotected. It’s a rousing success, and the entire garrison is caught completely FUCKED! Glabrus is caught and humiliated by Spartacus, to allows him to go back to Rome and tell them that their only demands are freedom to leave the country. Goddamn, they seriously SPANK the dude.

And then...intermission. Oh. I, uh...I did not time these two parts well, huh? Well, whatever. Movie’s over halfway done at this point. Plus, gives me some time to appreciate the score. It’s composed by Alex North, who’s best known for A Streetcar Named Desire, and for my next movie this month. It’s bumping, honestly, especially during the intermission! Honestly, Imma give this music a 9/10 now, just to save the suspense.

Oh, we’re back. OK, Glabrus delivers the message to the Senate, noting their plan. Crassus also vaguely recognizes the name Spartacus, but can’t recall why. Hell, Glabrus doesn’t recognize him at all, which just shows how little the elite care at all about slaves and gladiators. He notes that they weren’t prepared for an ambush at night, or at all, because after all...they’re only slaves. Glabrus’ dumbass actions cause him to be banished from Rome entirely, and by his sponsor, Crassus! Disgraced in turn by the death of six divisions of the army (like I said, SPANKED), Crassus resigns from the Senate in shame. Humiliated by Glabrus, Spartacus, and Gracchus in a scathing rebuke, Crassus leaves to plot further from the shadows. Damn.

Meanwhile, things couldn’t be going better for Spartacus, as Varinia’s pregnant, and the army’s growing and successful. And here I am, waiting for the shoe to completely fucking DROP. ‘Cause let’s face it: when it drops, it’s gonna drop fuckin’ HARD. But for now, all shoes are...levitating? Worn? What are shoes before they’re dropped, anyway?

The Senate’s now stressed out. Rome’s stretched thin by two wars, pirates have cut off their grain supply, the people are starving, and THEN there’s fuckin’ Spartacus! After confirming that nobody Gaius as the leader of the garrison (replacing Glabrus), they decide on intercepting the rebellion at the city of Metapontum. But it’s too late, as the Rebellion appears to have taken out the city, its nobles, and the intercepting Roman Legion army, because Spartacus can’t fucking LOSE right now! I smell a end-of-second-act conflict coming on, though. Those suspicions of mine mount, as that nobody Gaius is approached by Crassus in a Roman bathhouse, who tries to woo him like the Emperor wooed Anakin.

However, Gracchus...actually, hold up a sec, I just realized something. Is Star Wars basically just Rome? Seriously, The Republic is led by a Senate, until giving way to an Empire ruled by an Emperor. It’s...IT’S FUCKING ROME HOW DID I NEVER REALIZE THIS

...AH, Gracchus, right. Gaius and Crassus go to Gracchus, who’s also in the bathhouse, and Crassus easily convinces him to relinquish command of the Roman army. Makes sense, as Spartacus is too powerful, Gaius is a newbie nobody, and Crassus is a decorated and celebrated general. Gaius gladly relinquishes command, and the victorious Crassus leaves.

However, it won’t matter much. Gracchus has actually been working WITH the pirates, and bribed them with money to safely take Spartacus and the slave army out of Italy. And Gaius...Gaius don’t like that shit. He’s from nobility, and is an honorable man who dislikes the tactics of bribery. I mean, Gaius might be a nobody, but he’s not completely without influence. Looks like Anakin’s about to betray the Republic.

Meanwhile, Spartacus is greeted by Tigrantes, who reveals that the Cilicians decided to take the fuck off, abandoning Spartacus and his army entirely. But why? Crassus. With a counter-bribe of his own, Crassus convinced the pirates to take the fuck off, leaving the rebellion behind as two Roman generals approach from the coast. That forces the rebellion to march away from the sea, and against Rome and Crassus’ army. Which is...an absolutely brilliant play, goddamn.

Now absolutely fucked, Spartacus decides to make a speech of his own. Meanwhile, in Rome, Crassus is given emergency power due to the crisis. And also meanwhile, I have to try SUPER HARD not to make fuckin’ Star Wars parallels, holy shit. Anyway, while Crassus ensures Rome that he’ll catch and kill Spartacus, Spartacus tells his own countrypeople that they march to Rome, likely towards death. And they go with him, because Spartacus rules.

As the armies march, this is a great time to point out that Kirk Douglas and Laurence Olivier are fucking FANTASTIC in this movie. I mean, no surprise that two of the greatest actors that ever lived acted greatly here, but they are seriously stellar. And hell, there’s still an hour left, but I kinda wanna give this a 9/10 already!

Crassus, hellbent to get Spartacus’ ass (and the ass of his legend), even outmaneuvers Spartacus by changing up battle plans at the last second, and by forcing the other two generals at the coast to do the same. Dude is a BRILLIANT TACTICIAN, and it really shows. But he’s not...perfect.

See, just then, Batiatus shows up, summoned by Crassus to give a description of Spartacus. To his absolute shock, he realizes exactly who Spartacus was, but doesn’t even slightly remember what he looked like. Like a proper dick. But ALSO like a proper dick, Batiatus decides to barter the information of Spartacus’ appearance for the role of salesman for the survivors from the battle. Crassus agrees, but at the cost of Batiatus’ freedom for the moment.

Spartacus looks over his people, as they set up camp for the night in preparation for the coming battle. Nervous about this, and nervous to leave his wife and child (oh, they got married, by the way), he says goodbye, and prays that his child will be free one day. Also, I gotta say, I admire Spartacus’ vulnerability here. I mean, yeah, there’s some simp energy here, but I fucking ship it. His genuine emotions really speak to how much he loves Varinia. It’s sweet.

But enough of that romantic folderol. It’s time for war, as the two armies meet on the battlefield. The Roman army shows off their famous formations, while the Rebellion is in a solid block. And something tells me that this is going to go...very badly. On the bright side, though, this sequence shows off some fantastic cinematography and direction. There's a lot more movie left, but I’m giving direction by Kubrick and cinematography by Russell Metty a 9/10, for fucking sure.

The Rebellion’s not ENTIRELY unprepared, though, as they use flaming barricades steamrollers (YES REALLY) to fend off the army. It’s...well, it’s literally fucking lit. And I will see myself out.

Well, not yet, because the battle’s raging. And yeah, it’s a battle. And HOLY SHIT, it’s bloodier than you’d think! Spartacus just, like, CHOPS OFF A DUDE’S ARM, at blink-and-you’ll-miss speed. By the end, the field is stained with blood of Romans and slaves, but definitely mostly the rebels. It’s a massacre, and an absolute disaster for Spartacus and the Rebellion. 

The survivors, Spartacus and Antoninus included, are rounded up and chained, to be returned into slavery. Their lives will be spared of crucifixion and death...but only if Spartacus’ body is found, or if he gives himself up to the Romans. And if you know anything about this movie...well...

Epic. And absolutely one of the most famous scenes in film history. And funny thing here, I always thought this was the end of the film. But not quite. With this act, all of the survivors have doomed themselves to crucifixion (which FUCKS over Batiatus). All, of course, but Varinia, who has given birth to their son. Crassus orders her and the child to come with him. He also kicks Batiatus out of camp, to be flogged on the way out.

He also sees the still alive Antoninus, and quickly condemns him to crucixion. As he stands with Spartacus, Crassus suspiciously holds their crucifixions until last. And in case you’re wondering if the rebels get out of this somehow...they don’t. And we see their crucifixions, which stretch down the entire road to Rome.

In Rome, Gracchus and Batiatus meet once again, with a newly whipped Batiatus having learned humility and dignity from his affair. Both are still hellbent on revenge against the arrogant Crassus, and plot to take Varinia away from him. Just then, that nobody Gaius shows up at Gracchus’ place, but no longer as his protege. Instead, he’s joined the side of Crassus, and has come to take Gracchus to meet with Crassus. Crassus has now taken full control on the Republic, and exiles Gracchus from the city, after he’s spoken to his followers that may turn against the state, and against Crassus. Gracchus is forced to submit, and Crassus notes that the slaves remaining alive at the end of the road will be pit against each other...as gladiators. Oh boy.

Back at his place, Varinia is primped and preened as Crassus’ new consort, slave, and prisoner. God, it’s creepy as fuck. What’s made even worse is that he’s now pining over Varinia, asking for her mutual love. Y’know, almost like she isn’t his literal property, or like he didn’t kill her husband, OR like he didn’t LITERALLY JUST threaten her and Spartacus’ child with death. Idiot. Still, Crassus doesn’t get overly abusive, and he’s mostly patient with Varinia. He instead asks what kind of man Spartacus was. She tells him truthfully, and THAT is what riles Crassus up so. Not understanding why she would love a low-born slave, murderer, and thief, he confronts her on it. And that’s when she CORRECTLY notes that he’s actually afraid of Spartacus, and only wants Varinia because he had her. Dude has a sloppy seconds fetish. OK then.

Waiting to die, Antoninus and Spartacus wonder if they could’ve won. But of course, it no longer matters. The rebellion is dead, and the war is lost. Spartacus also believes that Varinia and his child are dead as well, and it’s also then that they realize that they’re the only two slaves left of the entire rebellion. Damn.

As they wonder if they fear death, Crassus shows up to greet the two of them. He’s now realized who Spartacus is, and confronts him as such. This marks the first time the two speak to each other. Or, it would, if Spartacus was speaking. When he doesn’t reply, a frustrated Crassus slaps him, only to be spat on. Absolutely ENRAGED now, Crassus decides to make them fight NOW, with the winner set to be crucified.

Despite promising a public fight, as Gaius points out, Crassus insists upon it happening now. And so, they fight, with Antoninus determined not to let Spartacus be crucified. And this fight is tense as hell...until Spartacus kills Antoninus to spare him. They declare their love for each other, as a father and son love each other. And Antoninus dies. Holy shit, man. This fucking blows.

Crassus, savoring his victory, then gloats about the fact that Varinia is alive, and his slave. Which is definitely the smart thing to say to him right now. But Spartacus is done, and is led off to be crucified. Crassus orders his body burned, and for no one to know who he was. Because after all...he’s still afraid of Spartacus. More so even than Gaius. But why Gaius? Dude’s a nobody! Who the hell is Gaius Julius Caesar and there it is. Fuck me.

But Crassus hasn’t won yet. With Batiatus’ help, Varinia is smuggled away from Crassus, and the two head to Aquitania for safe harbor. Varinia is officially freed by Gracchus, who remains behind after paying Batiatus for his services. Varinia, grateful and tearful, kisses Gracchus goodbye. And Gracchus...Gracchus grabs a knife. I don’t like where that’s headed.

Batiatus and Varinia leave the city, and are briefly apprehended by guards. But, of course, crucified outside of the city is Spartacus, who’s still alive. The husband and wife see each other one last time, and she presents their son to him, teling him that he is free, as Spartacus had wanted. Varinia will tell their son of Spartacus, and pledges that he will die soon, so that he no longer suffers. And they leave, as Spartacus watches on, doomed to a horrible death.

And that’s it. That tragic ending is THE ending. Holy fucking shit, this movie is goddamn stellar. Real talk, it’s definitely getting in the ‘90s score wise. Like...let’s see here...

Cast and Acting: 10/10. Yeah, really, this is a perfect cast.

Plot and Writing: 8/10. This was fine, but not perfect.

Directing and Cinematography: 9/10, unsurprisingly.

Production and Art Design: 10/10, also unsurprisingly.

Music and Editing: 9/10, as promised. Goddamn.

Yeah, that’s a 92%. Because this film was absolutely stellar.

A bit long, though. Still, I’ll elaborate on my feeling in an epilogue/review. Buuuuuuut, just in case you’re wondering, or if I don’t get that post out in time...here’s the next one coming down the pike. And if I guess correctly...I think that nobody Gaius is coming back in a big way for this one.

Recap (1/2)

Spartacus (Kirk Douglas) is a rebellious slave in ancient Rome. Born to a poor mother and nobleman father in Thrace, he’s not a big fan of the whole “slave labor” thing, which he’s been in or his entire life. He fights against some of the slavers in a mining pit, biting one dude in the leg like a goddamn champion. And in response, they give him the Prometheus treatment, chaining him to a rock to serve as an example. Whoof.

Just then, the businessman, recruiter, and slave master Batiatus (Peter Ustinov) comes to inspect the slaves, doing the whole “check the teeth” thing that you always see. Dentists: the ancient world’s greatest enemy to slaves. Anyway, Spartacus biting that one guy backfires, because it means he has good teeth, and the buyer takes him.

Looks like he’s there to fight in the gladiatorial pits. And it seems pretty accurate, actually. The gladiators are to be pampered, oiled, educated in battle, etc. That’s actually what they used to do, as they were thought of in a similar way to our professional athletes today. If you told me that Michael Jordan’s never gotten an oil bath before a basketball game, I’d call you a filthy goddamn liar.

Anyway, he’s put under the purview of former-gladiator-now-trainer, Marcellus (Charles McGraw), who plans to break the rebellious Thracian. He tries to make him fight him first thing, but Spartacus doesn’t give in to the taunts, earning him some grudging respect from a couple of the other guys. But you don’t make friends as a gladiator, according to one of them. Fair point, since it’s a fight-and-die sort of deal.

Soon after, for doing good work in the pits, Batiatus and Marcellus give everybody a gift in the form of women. Because, y’know, women are objects meant only for sex, said Ancient Rome and modern day misogynistic assholes. Seriously, guys, get with the times. That shit’s old. Anyway, this is how Spartacus meets Varinia (Jean Simmons), the woman meant to end his virginity and turn him into a real chad. But Marcellus and Batiatus are keen to watch him, and Spartacus ain’t into it. He refuses, saying that he isn’t an animal. Varinia responds in kind, not realizing that women aren’t supposed to talk or have feelings.

The gladiator lessons continue, as to the flirtations at a distance between Varinia and Spartacus. However, Marcellus notices that connection, his is definitely gonna be good in the long run for sure. Sure enough, when the women are handed out again, Varinia is given to somebody else, and Spartacus is left alone to listen. I mean, Varinia probably isn’t happy about it either, but I mean, who cares about her, huh? Women, amiriOK, look. The joke is worn out. You get it, yeah? Move on? Move on.

Training continues, and the connection between Varinia and Spartacus also continues. However, this is interrupted by the arrival of Marcus Licinius Crassus (Laurence MFing Olivier), major Roman senator, and one of the richest people in the history of Rome. So, yeah, kind of a big deal. With him are Marcus and Helena Glabrus (John Dall and Nina Foch), and Marcus’ betrothed Clauia Marius (Joanna Barnes). And they’re here to see a fucking FIGHT. TO THE DEATH!

They choose a few gladiators to fight, including Crixus (John Ireland), and Draba (Woody Strode) (AKA “the big black one”...guuuuuuuh). Oh, and obviously Spartacus, duh. Where else are we gonna get that drama? And as the fight begins, even more drama happens when Crassus buys Varinia, because OF COURSE he does!

The fights happen, Crixus wins his, and then Spartacus is sent up against Draba. Draba, being a BIG fuckin’ dude, pretty easily defeats Spartacus, and is ordered to kill him. But, realizing that this whole situation is bullshit, Draba spares him, throws his trident at Crassus and crew, and heads up there to kick their asses! But, a guard stabs him, and Crassus finishes the job, killing him. Whoof. The defiant Draba’s body is left to hang and rot in the chambers, as an example to the rest. But that flicker of defiance causes tensions to rise. The next day, Marcellus tells Spartacus that Varinia was sold, to his surprise. And Marcellus whips him in the face in the most dickish way possible! And Spartacus just...he just fuckin’ SNAPS.

Yeah, this causes a fight in the kitchen, as the rest of the slaves rebel against the guards. And SPartcus, royally fucking pissed, drowns Marcellus IN SOUP! Like, HOLY SHIT! That’s an intensely shitty way to go, but it’s also kinda badass on Spartacus’ side! Damn!

Batiatus escapes with Varinia, and the gladiators officially riot, overthrowing the guards and destroying the fuckin’ place. This rules, can I just say? This fucking RULES. They take the fuck OFF, escaping into the countryside. They run riot in their escape, burning estates and gathering more slaves along the way. And eventually, of course, word of the chaos makes its way to the Roman Senate!

The Senate, led by Gracchus (Charles Laughton), decides to send some of their army to engage the slave rebellion, with Glabrus at the head of the garrison. As he goes out, Gracchus puts a new man in temporary command of the garrison in the city. It’s some nobody named Gaius (John Gavin). Whoever that is. Gaius doesn’t really want the job, but he takes it with the urging of his mentor, Gracchus, who’s also trying to separate Crassus from Glabrus, and from the power he craves.

Crassus, speaking of, is now welcoming a new slave, entertainer Antoninus (Tony Curtis). Glabrus arrives to tell him the news, which he thinks is good. However, the intelligent Crassus realizes the issue with Glabrus leaving the city with the garrison, and the loss of control of the city itself. Frustrated, he tells Glabrus that he will take his time, and eventually make Rome great again. A reference, yeah, but also something he basically says.

Spartacus, now leader of the band of self-freed slaves hiding out in Vesuvius, now pledges to stop the barbaric tradition of watching two men to fight to the death. As his fellows attempt to get drunk and force Romans to fight to the death, he tells them to rise above, and form a liberation army to free slaves throughout Italy, and flee the country by sea. To do so, they plot to hire pirates of Cilicia, enemies of Rome as they are.

As they do so, they free more slaves, including...Varinia? She escaped Batiatus, who was apparently SO FUCKING FAT that she just...fucking jumped off the cart and ran away! That’s embarrassing, goddamn. The reunion between the two is heartfelt, and you can tell that they do have a legit emotional connection. Although, they talk about how they’re free from slavery, only for her to say “TELL ME THAT I CAN NEVER LEAVE YOU”, which is meant to be sweet, but is kinda weird, given the context.

Gracchus and Batianus, meanwhile, have a discussion about how fat people are the best. I mean, we’re all about body positivity here at the 365. But in the conversation, Gracchus is shown to be a horndog, but also a pretty good senator. Batianus rightfully blames Crassus and his posse for the uprising, and wants revenge for his ruination. Gracchus clearly doesn’t love Crassus either, and agrees to help.

Meanwhile, Crassus is getting a bath from Antoninus, which is as homoerotic as it sounds. Also, Crassus asks whether or not Antoninus likes escargot. But also...confirming that he’s bisexual? Correct me it I’m wrong, but he’s DEFINITELY TALKING ABOUT SEXUALITY HERE. It’s interesting, and to see this in a film from 1960 is...wow, yeah. Pretty interesting, considering the Tumblr fandom built up around the TV series. Give this movie more attention, guys. Oysters and snails. Huh.

But right after that, Antoninus takes advantage of his soliloquizing and just...TAKES THE FUCK OFF, and runs RIGHT to Spartacus and the slave army! Damn. I mean, it’s rude, but I respect the LITERAL HUSTLE. Meanwhile, Spartacus continues to gather his slave army, with Varinia and Crixus at his side. He’s also a feminist? Like, he doesn’t forbid women from joining the war effort, which is pretty fucking progressive for the time period.

The Roman garrisons and slave army readies for the conflict, with the rebellion training hard to fight the approaching Romans. At nights, Antoninus performs Vegas-style stage magic around a campfire, entertaining the masses. After that, Spartacus and Varinia muse on war and freedom, and the future that they face together. Dude even loses his virginity! Man, this seems like a great time! Surely nothing’s going to go wrong at all at any point!